KUDHU THE MAGNIFICENT. by Ronald Micci

Transcription

1 KUDHU THE MAGNIFICENT by Ronald Micci Copyright 1999, 2000 by Ronald Micci

2 CHARACTERS THE MIGHTY KUDHU (koo-doo), all-knowing turbaned seer and carnival prophet of things to come MASTER OF CEREMONIES, at a carnival sideshow TICKET, a brazen shill, there's one in every crowd YOUNG LADY, pretty, 20s VOICES IN THE CROWD (4), who pepper his Kudhu-ness with questions SETTING A carnival sideshow in a town just like yours on a Saturday afternoon of the present.

3 --1 A carnival sideshow, with quaint little calliope music playing and a MASTER OF CEREMONIES dressed in tux and tails pacing the stage, gesticulating with a cane. Behind a curtain, THE MIGHTY KUDHU is seated on a throne, outfitted like some swami in turban and loincloth. A TICKET works the crowd. Tickets here, tickets here, get your tickets for the big show. Five bucks gets you two, don't be shy, step right up and see for yourself the mighty guru who is known as Kudhu. He's mighty, he's mysterious, he parts the veil and reveals the secrets of the universe, so get your tickets here, tickets here, tickets for the big show. Only five bucks gets you two and you're in, so step right up, don't be shy, 'cause he's there inside the big tent -- the mighty and mysterious Kudhu, all the way here from the Orient. Tickets here, tickets here. (a is blocking his way) You got a problem, lady? Your swami's nothing but a fraud. Oh lady, I don't need to hear this. My sister was here yesterday. She said he's nothing but a lot of phlooey. Step aside, lady, you're ruining my day. And I'll tell you something else -- Don't have time. Get your tickets here, tickets here, tickets for the big show. Don't listen to him. This Kudhu's nothing but a fraud. ( takes 's hand, reads her palm) You will meet a tall, dark stranger who will toss you out by your keester. Out of my way, I got tickets to sell. Tickets here, two for five beans, tickets for the big show... (He goes out. The MASTER OF CEREMONIES comes forth) MASTER OF CEREMONIES Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen -- come on, step up, step in, gather round -- there's plenty of room for everyone. No pushing and shoving there.

4 --2 MASTER OF CEREMONIES (cont'd) For a chance like this avails itself but once in a lifetime. Yes, don't be shy, step up, step in, and let all who would partake of the mysteries of time and the universe behold now the magnificence, the majesty, the outright idiocy of the one they call The Mighty Kudhu. (He gestures -- TRUMPET FANFARE or its equivalent -- curtains part and reveal KUDHU seated on his throne. He sticks out his tongue at us) Yes, the Mighty Kudhu, giant among men, Goliath among Davids, who has come to stand before us this day, a pillar of wisdom and oasis of truth in the desert of a dark and blighted age. A master seer and wise man who holds within him all of the great and overarching secrets of the universe. Behold him now, won't you -- profound, witty, rather ridiculous looking in that outfit, and yet mysterious and wise beyond his years -- (KUDHU again sticks out his tongue mischievously) -- the guardian of the gate and master of all the secrets of the universe. Powerful is he, and visionary is he, who gazes deeply into the mists of time and tide to part the veil of the mysteries. (KUDHU scratches his crotch) Yes, silly-looking is he, and sleazy-looking is he, who parades before us in preposterously frumpy rags, and yet wise is he and all-knowing, who comes before us this day to share prophecies of things to come. Yes, mighty Kudhu, it is to you we look for guidance, to you we raise up our heads and hearts in prayer, to you we send our grease-stained overalls for cleaning and pressing, as we stand precariously poised on the threshold of a new age. Fearful, trembling, fraught with frissons of fear and doubt. And yet, see how he smiles -- (big, exaggerated smile from KUDHU) -- see how he laughs and a little twinkle brightens his eye. Yes, see how he delights, for he knows, how well he knows, that we love him; he knows that we wait on his every word; he even knows that a stitch in time saves nine, but what he does not know, what he is eager to learn, is how desperate and needy we are, how hungry we are for his wise and prophetic counsel. And so I turn to you, mighty Kudhu, beg and beseech you, great and mighty one, indeed implore you on bended knee -- speak, mighty Kudhu, speak. (KUDHU merely yawns, scratches his nose) I beseech you, oh great one, from the depths of my humbleness, speak, mighty Kudhu, speak. (KUDHU rolls his eyes -- you've got to be kidding) And yet, he has traveled half way around the world, has his mightiness. So, perhaps he is a bit fatigued. Yes, see him now before you in all his wisdom. Behold him, won't you, in all his splendor. And see how he laughs -- ha -- for he is great and wise -- (KUDHU chortles) -- and we are but lowly worms arrayed before his mighty throne.

5 --3 MASTER OF CEREMONIES (cont'd) And now, after 40 long years of silence, he is about to speak again and share his insights of marvelous and mysterious things to come. And so now I appeal to you yet again, mighty sage and purveyor of wisdom, all-knowing soothsayer and keeper of the secrets of the universe. I go down on bended knee and beseech you, and begging your mighty indulgence, bid you to speak, mighty Kudhu, speak! (Once again, KUDHU merely shrugs) Oh bearer of wisdom, oh wise and mysterious keeper of the ancient truths, from the very depths of my soul I now implore you, beg and beseech you, indeed offer up my first born to you if you will only open wide your repository of knowledge and speak, mighty Kudhu, speak! (The MC's patience is growing thin, but he tries to retain his cool) Behold him now, won't you -- enigmatic, mysterious, consistently late in filing his income tax returns -- and yet wise, oh how surpassingly wise he is, in his grasp of the great and profound mysteries of the universe. (KUDHU ad-libs silliness) Ha -- he's toying with us, it's plain for anyone to see. And yet who could blame him? He, who is wise, all-knowing, and fun to throw things at, vis-a-vis we, who are just a bunch of blighted nincompoops. Oh mighty one, in whom the secrets of the eons dwell, trifle not with us, but rather open wide your vast repositories of knowledge and once again I bid you speak, mighty Kudhu, speak! END OF EXCERPT - 8-PAGE SCRIPT