Forgive, Even If You Do Not Forget

Transcription

1 Forgive, Even If You Do Not Forget Have you ever been hurt or offended; insulted or betrayed? Is there anyone anywhere who hasn t been? How does any of us react to the pain? Late one summer evening in Broken Bow, Nebraska, a weary truck driver pulled his rig into an all-night truck stop. The waitress had just served him when three tough looking, leather jacketed motorcyclists - of the Hell s Angels type - decided to give him a hard time. Not only did they verbally abuse him, one grabbed the hamburger off his plate, another took a handful of his French fries, and the third picked up his coffee and began to drink it. How would you respond? Well, this trucker did not respond as one might expect. Instead, he calmly rose, picked up his check, walked to the front of the room, put the check and his money on the cash register, and went out. The waitress followed him to put the money in the till and stood watching out the door as the big truck drove away into the night. When she returned, one of the bikers said to her, "Well, he s not much of a man, is he?" The waitress replied, "I don t know about that, but he sure ain t much of a truck driver. He just ran over three motorcycles on his way out of the parking lot." Are you the truck driver or would you be more like the woman who was bitten by a rabid dog, and it looked like she was going to die from rabies. The doctor told her to put her final affairs in order. So the woman took pen and paper, and began writing furiously. In fact she wrote and wrote and wrote. Finally the doctor said, That sure is a long will you re making. She snorted, Will, nothing! I m making a list of all the people I m going to bite! " I doubt that anyone forgets having been injured, hurt by words or deeds. The challenge that we face as human beings, as Jews, especially during the High Holidays, is not to forget, but to forgive. Not to seek revenge, either by destroying someone s property or giving them a fatal bite, but rather by forgiving and moving on.

2 Studies show that forgiveness can lower blood pressure and heart rate and reduce depression, anxiety, and anger. Oprah articulated the secret to releasing grudges when she said, Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past can be changed. Of course, when it comes to each of our lives, we all have different sensitivities, especially to what commonly would be considered small offenses, the little stuff. I know that I do not have a good singing voice, I am not particularly athletic and decades ago I had, to be kind, a rather bold variety of sports coats. If someone made comments to me along those lines, it was easy to laugh them off. But I still remember an event from my second year as the rabbi at Brith Sholom. We have a continuing tradition of a receiving line at the end of Rosh Hashanah and Kol Nidre services. Especially in the mid-1970s, many people wanted to shake hands. I was certainly cognizant that the line was long and that those at the end would appreciate everyone moving along, so mostly then, and now, I simply wish each person a shanah tovah. As you might imagine, there are at least a few people who do not attend many services between one Yom Kippur and the next Rosh Hashanah. In my second year, I did not exactly know everyone s name as yet. As the line was moving along, suddenly one older woman stopped, with people pressing behind her, she looked me in the eye and asked, what is my name? Well, I hadn t seen this woman in a year and had no clue what her name was. I could feel my face turn red, others were listening, I thought about my answer for a second, even if it felt like an hour, and told her honestly I did not know, but if she told me, I would remember the following year. Happily, I have long since forgotten who this woman was, but I still remember the episode, and wonder if this was a deliberate effort to embarrass me, or just a spur of the moment, harmless question. I also wonder how often others have tried to embarrass me, or other rabbis and cantors, in public settings and then expect us, without a word of apology, not only to forgive them, but also to forget about the incident and treat them with respect. I have great confidence that if such an event, and much worse, occurred to my colleagues, they may not forget, but I am sure they

3 forgive. After all, people who directly or indirectly offend us, criticize us harshly, or embarrass us publicly may still want or need us to visit them in the hospital or offer them support and counseling for many reasons, including life cycle events. I am not so sure about others. I could tell you, although I certainly will not, the name of the most unforgiving person I have met. This congregant has long since gone to olam habah, but I recall a couple of occasions where I knew a misunderstanding had occurred between this person and a fellow member of the Jewish community. I tried in vain to explain that there had been some confusion about someone s words or intention. It was all in vain. And then one night, we were at a shiva home of a relative and were one person short for the minyan. We called this individual, who lived not far away, and asked them to come over. Unfortunately, the deceased relative had once borrowed a tool and not returned it. So this human being declined to come. This person thought they were punishing the deceased; they were only punishing themself. Too often, we are much better at remembering an offense than we are at forgiving it. Numerous times when I have collected information for a eulogy, I run into lost relatives, siblings, parents, uncles or aunts, grandparents, who cut off, or were cut off, from the family. No doubt there was a reason. Most people could even tell you the reason, sometimes in great detail. And even in death, there is no sense of forgiveness in the face of the remembering. Many years ago, our family was on vacation in Vermont. Much to the chagrin of the rest of my family, I have a wide variety of interests. When we arrived in Barre, Vermont, I was intrigued by the presence of the Rock of Ages quarry, where tombstones are mined. I begged my family to take the tour and without much enthusiasm, they agreed. What really struck me was the pride Rock of Ages took in their granite and they gave, and according to their website still give, a Rock of Ages Perpetual Warranty [that] ensures that your monument will be protected forever. As they advertise: Granite is forever. FOREVER, wow, who doesn t want to buy an item that is guaranteed to last

4 forever, even if it is a tombstone? But what does forever really mean? According to science sites on the web, our sun is going to burn out in 5 to 6 billion years. Long before then, our descendants will doubtless have moved to another, more inviting planet than earth. But what happens to the Rock of Ages guarantee that protects your monument forever? Will Rock of Ages be paying to have all their tombstones shipped to the new planet? The sun and the earth are not forever. Why should our anger, bitterness or need for revenge last for a lifetime, or for a significant part of our lifetime, our individual forever in this world? Wouldn t any of us, or any human being, be better off forgiving, even if we remember? The past cannot change, only the present and future. No matter how severe the grievance, it will not travel into space when our descendants leave earth. Even the famous feud between the Hatfields and McCoys only lasted between 1863 and 1891, 28 years. Is any of us looking to create a new record? On the tenth anniversary of 9-11, Father Robert Barron preached: While we are justified in our anger at perpetrators of 9/11, we must ultimately move to a stance of forgiveness. Christians must always remember Christ's command to forgive always. Forgiveness is the act by which you bring the other into the matrix of love. It is very difficult but necessary. Hopefully we can do this for those who committed the grievous crimes of 9/11. This is only one Christian point of view, but it reminds me of an exchange that took place several years ago at a program of the Institute for Jewish- Christian Understanding held at Congregation Kenesth Israel. In the context of past or indirect offenses, someone asked if it was time to forgive the German people for the Holocaust. Alice Eckhardt responded that those who perpetrated the crimes would need to seek forgiveness and their victims were the only ones empowered to give it. Certainly in Judaism, forgiveness is not automatic. As Aish.com reminds us: Heavenly pardon is predicated on a condition. Before God grants forgiveness, He asks us to acknowledge that we were wrong and renounce the

5 sinful behavior. God is willing to overlook the sins of the past for the sake of an altered future. He is ready to pardon the most terrible wrongs for the price of remorse, regret and the desire for a new beginning. But the one thing God's forgiveness is unwilling to do is to condone vicious crimes by simply accepting them. An unrepentant sinner mistakes God's mercy for permission to continue his ways. To forgive such a person isn't kindness; its cruelty to all those who'll be hurt by the evil that wasn't stopped before it could do more harm. We are to emulate God, but God s mercy and forgiveness are predicated on admitting our weaknesses, sins and failure to act according to the mitzvot. It often takes inner strength to be honest with oneself and admit wrong doing. It is far easier to deny that a sin has been committed, that a wrong has been done or that we must recognize our responsibility and not blame others, past or present, for our actions. I am reminded of a poem by Jeff Moss that appeared in a 1991 book, The Other Side of the Door. I m going to say I m sorry, It s time for this quarrel to end. I know that we both didn t mean it, And each of us misses a friend, It isn t much fun being angry And arguing s just the worst, So I m going to say I m sorry Just as soon as you say it first! My colleagues, as an act of kindness, asked me to speak tonight. In part, they wanted to recognize my tenure at Brith Sholom and in the Lehigh Valley as I begin my thirty-ninth and final year as rabbi of this congregation. They also were curious what an old rabbi has learned after nearly four decades. There are more lessons than you want to hear tonight. But I have learned that the years pass very quickly, that family is crucial,

6 that there are many ways of relating Jewishly to God, that we each need to control our ego, that God and Judaism do not expect perfection, just correction, and to seek and to offer forgiveness. Neither seeking nor offering forgiveness is easy at times, but there really is no time to waste. We need to unburden our minds and souls and our forever is so much shorter than the granite from Rock of Ages. Remember Oprah s thought: Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past can be changed. We have suffered whatever we have suffered; now the best we can do is let it go. Several years ago the Peanuts comic strip had Lucy and Charlie Brown practicing football. Lucy would hold the ball for Charlie s placekicking and then Charlie would kick the ball. But every time Lucy had ever held the ball for Charlie, he would approach the ball and kick with all his might. At the precise moment of the point of no return, Lucy would pick up the ball and Charlie would kick, and his momentum unchecked by the ball, which was not there to kick, would cause him to fall flat on his back. This particular day, the strip opened with Lucy holding the ball, but Charlie Brown would not kick it. Lucy begged him to kick the ball. But Charlie Brown said, "Every time I try to kick the ball you remove it and I fall on my back." They went back and forth for the longest time and finally Lucy broke down in tears and admitted, "Charlie Brown I have been so terrible to you over the years, picking up the football like I have. I have played so many cruel tricks on you, but I ve seen the error of my ways! I ve seen the hurt look in your eyes when I ve deceived you. I ve been wrong, so wrong. Won t you give a poor penitent girl another chance?" Charlie Brown was moved by Lucy s display of grief and responded to her, "Of course, I ll give you another chance." He stepped back as she held the ball, and he ran. At the last moment, Lucy picked up the ball and Charlie Brown fell flat on his back. Lucy s last words were, "Recognizing your faults and actually changing your ways are two different things, Charlie Brown!" Changing what we need to change takes strength. As Mahatma Gandhi said,.the weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong. In Judaism,

7 forgiveness is a two way street, between those who offend and those who were hurt. Especially at this season, are we strong enough to forgive, even if we do not forget? Are we strong enough even to initiate a discussion with a former friend or relative who has hurt us and begin the two way process of repentance and forgiveness? No one pretends that it is easy or comfortable, but many contend that the results are worthwhile for those who are willing. No one is likely to forget; as Jews we are often urged to remember. But our memories should not be a stumbling block to forgiveness and what better time to engage than now? According to the Mishnah Torah, (Teshuvah 2:10): It is forbidden to be obdurate and not allow yourself to be appeased. On the contrary, one should be easily pacified and find it difficult to become angry. When asked by an offender for forgiveness, one should forgive with a sincere mind and a willing spirit. To that, we should all say: Amen. Shanah tovah.