designed for those who may be lonely or feel out of that they are open to making a new friend can quickly

Transcription

1 In the past few years, one of the new phenomena popping up in elementary schools has been the buddy bench. The buddy bench is a physical bench located where learners have recess or unstructured time, and it s designed for those who may be lonely or feel out of place. The idea is that if individuals who all self-identify that they are open to making a new friend can quickly identify others in the same situation, new friendships can blossom. Taking that first step to sit on the buddy bench, I imagine, is daunting. Looking around the playground, seeing others enjoying their free time with friends while the bench sits empty, worrying what others may think can be terrifying. But the Nachshon, the first one to take that step, or seat, as the case may be, is putting themselves out there as vulnerable. 1

2 Vulnerability can be paralyzing. The fear that others may judge us based on our weakness prevents many of us from taking risks. Just recently, a friend shared the following anecdote with me: adults in the United States were asked, If you were alone in an elevator with one other person, would you strike up a conversation? A high percentage of respondents said yes, we d be happy to talk, but many refrain from doing so because of the fear that the other party may not want to engage. The result then, as my friend tells me and many of us can attest to, is that we just pull out our phones. So what is that fear? Fear of meeting someone new? Not necessarily, based on the surveyed individuals willingness to talk. It s the fear of our advance being rejected. No one wants to feel hurt, alone, or excluded, 2

3 and it s precisely that trepidation that keeps us from taking the first step. That fear is so paralyzing that it wins out over the potential of making a new connection. We don t know what is going on in the other elevator passengers world- maybe they are someone who is feeling lost, alone, or abandoned. Maybe they need that small talk. We can t know unless we ask. This desire for interpersonal connection has roots in our tradition; as we read dedicate our learning this morning to this very lesson. In chapter twenty-one of the book of Genesis we read, יהו ה פּ ק ד א ת שׂ ר ה Adonai visited Sarah. The verb פקד can also be rendered as to attend, to muster, or even to appoint. One interpretation can also be to entrust. A few chapters earlier Abraham welcomed three visitors who foretold that Sarah would have a child. Our story opens 3

4 seemingly months later, and reminds us that God had not forgotten Sarah and that promise. The scholar Nachmanides tells us that at this point Sarah is considered one who was abandoned, which leads us to interpret that this divine act was not merely a passing how are you doing? God saw her pain and sought her out. God sat down on the buddy bench. What behooves us to sit down next to a perfect stranger? What level of commitment does it take? Now, for some, sitting down on a buddy bench with someone we don t know is going from zero to sixty incredibly quickly. Some of us want to work our way up slowly. Each day we take part in many low-stakes interactions, many of them we d consider to be contractual. I hand you, the barista, my phone with my Starbucks card on it and you hand me my grande non-fat no-water chai. With 4

5 the waiter at the restaurant or the cashier at Costco, we may exchange pleasantries as part of a greater exchange of goods and services, but it would be a stretch to say this is a divinely infused conversation. The Jewish philosopher and theologian Martin Buber would call this an I-It relationship the transitionary nature of the interaction helps me get my morning caffeine, and helps the barista earn their living. This occupies the world of the every-day, the mundane. But we as human beings are capable of more than that. His same work argues that the highest order of relationships, and those that are the most lasting, are the I-Thou relationships, in which we each recognize the other as a complete person with their own opinions, ideas, and, of course, vulnerabilities. Only through an I- Thou relationship do we have the ability to see someone 5

6 as they truly are. It is only through these interactions, Buber asserts, that the divine enters our lives. According to his theology, the way to connect with God is to create and nurture these I-Thou relationships. Making ourselves vulnerable in order to forge these intimate bonds with others is one way we experience God in our lives. Bearing our souls to another does not come easily to us as humans. We may fear being taken advantage of for our kindness like feeding the stray cat and having it return with a whole cadre of friends. Someone may use what they learn about us for their own advantage, or to undercut us as we strive for a shared goal. The flipside of these fears, though, can be the reward that that vulnerability leads us to find. When I arrived at Beth Torah last summer, I knew that I wanted this synagogue to be a place where I built strong 6

7 relationships that would last long into the future. I contacted every member of the Board last year and asked them to meet for lunch or coffee, just to get to know each other in a one-on-one environment. Now, just a year later, I feel like I can pick up the phone and talk to any one of them about the issue at hand without having to go through the awkward dance of so, where are you from? How did you come to Beth Torah? so on and so forth. Pushing through the awkwardness of waiting at Panera for someone whose name I recognize but whose face I may have not seen yet has been a wonderful way to get to know some of the many people who care so deeply about our congregation. I am grateful that each one of them accepted my invitation, which was daunting in its own right. Setting aside that time on the calendar to create a new relationship has 7

8 paid off just in the last year certainly for me, and, I hope, for those whom I ve had the chance to sit down with. For the three of you who joined the board just this year, watch your ! Now, life doesn t always hand us a list of people to contact, as I was given last year, but we never know when or where we are going to meet someone who could change our lives. Many stories of partners meeting one another begin with one partner being brave enough to make the first move. The emotional investment that partner exuded can yield a lifetime of love, friendship, and fulfillment. While Buber may not have known much of the world of musical theater, and his death predates the premiere of Les Misérables by a decade and a half, he would agree with Jean Valjean s final words: To love another person is to see the face of God. You 8

9 cannot love someone without first knowing them, but taking that first step can be incredibly daunting. If we are willing to push ourselves, though, these risks can yield amazing results. The Etz Hayyim Torah commentary notes, The birth of Isaac thus marks a new and momentous stage in biblical history. 1 No longer is Abraham afraid that this new faith will die out with him; he knows his belief in Adonai, and all that entails, will live on into the future. While our relationships with one another may not make it to the ranks of sacred literature, we can emulate God s role in the story. We can be vulnerable, expose our insecurities to others, and ultimately benefit from this holy interaction, if we are all on the same page. We do not necessarily need to be open and vulnerable all the time; that would be 1 Etz Hayyim Commentary Genesis 21:1 9

10 exhausting. Just as not every interaction can be an I- Thou interaction, we need to respect our own boundaries as well as the boundaries of those around us. Our expanding technology is making it very easy to shy away from interpersonal situations both of the mundane and the holy. From the self-checkout at Target to Amazon Fresh, you can get almost anything and everything you need without speaking to another human being. Yelp gives us the opportunity to unleash our true feelings about a restaurant or store without having to look the proprietor in the eye. Online communication allows us the luxuries of time and anonymity when composing our thoughts. We don t need to look at someone face-to-face and tell them we disagree, we type our thoughts and just hit post. We can shoot off a text message at any hour of the day and get off our chest 10

11 what we want to say. We can opt in, or out, of obligations with just a few keystrokes. Not having to call someone and hear the disappointment in their voice when we tell them that we won t make it tonight makes it a lot easier to stay home and hibernate. These feelings not only inform how we respond to invitations, but also how and if we issue them. Who can really count on the Facebook RSVPs that say maybe? There is a market taking advantage of this fear, and we as Americans are gobbling it up. It s scary to put our reputation on the line with the fear that this investment won t yield anything in return. How many times have we heard stories of rejection, loneliness, and unrequited love? The fear can be almost too much to bear sometimes. Perhaps less extreme, but equally terrifying, is the idea of showing up to an event 11

12 alone not knowing any other attendees. How often has this prevented you from going out to an event? What if I told you that we re giving each one of you a shortcut to making these connections? Each of you took a nametag as you came into the synagogue. I hope that many of you are still wearing them. Did this act make you feel vulnerable? Do you feel like you are baring your name, and by extension your reputation, to everyone here this morning? Good. That s the first step. We at Beth Torah are striving to reduce the excuses that our point-and-click culture gives us for eschewing the interpersonal. When you exit this sanctuary for lunch, you ll find the entire building filled with tables and chairs ready to be occupied for our Rosh Hashanah Luncheon. While it is tempting to sit with family and 12

13 long-time friends, I encourage you to go beyond your comfort zone and make your table a buddy bench for all who are with us this Rosh Hashanah. Do not fear forgetting someone s name, for it s displayed right on their lapel, and open yourself up to discussion based on the questions on your table. We are all in the same situation this afternoon, operating under the same directions. It may feel raw, talking about the ideas and emotions you are bringing to this lunch, but we ve taken care of the first steps. We learn from the Mishnah that the sage Yehoshua ben Perachia would say: find yourself a rabbi, acquire for yourself a friend, and give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Rabbi Cattapan and I, while both relatively new to this community, are here and honored to be your clergy. We hope that you will open yourself up during 13

14 this luncheon to making a new friend both in welcoming someone to sit with you, as well as taking that seat at a table of new faces. Let us give one another the benefit of the doubt as we embark on new friendships experiences in the coming year; Sarah had not given up on God s promise that she would have a child she gave God the benefit of the doubt. It is our hope that at Beth Torah together we put aside our fears and work to make sure no one feels alone or neglected. Each of us can take a small part in ensuring our spiritual home is also a beit kenesset, a house of gathering, where all feel welcome, appreciated, and connected to one another. Shanah tovah u mtukah. 14

15 And God sat down on the buddy bench I. Opening story about not having anyone to sit with at lunch/ buddy bench I m here and open to making new friends II. Feels vulnerable, fear of others judgement III. God saw Sarah s vulnerability visited her IV. Face-to-face convo makes all the difference V. Calling the awkwardness opens up ability to connect with others VI. Seeing someone you don t know but desire to meet them & get to know them brings shechinah into our midst Bring God into our world when we connect with one another Etz Hayyim commentary: The Hebrew stem פקד often is used to describe God s intervention in human affairs. Here it connotes making good an unfulfilled promise. The birth of Isaac thus marks a new and momentous stage in biblical history. VII. VIII. Opportunity to connect after the conclusion of our service IX. Don t sit alone at lunch My initial reaction was who would actually go sit there? Isn t that giving others fodder for teasing and bullying? but those who take advantage of this opportunity have strong selfadvocacy skills and are not afraid to articulate their needs. They just need to find someone else in the same boat! AND THE LORD VISITED SARAH It (Scripture) places וה' פקד את שרה וגו' this section after the preceding one to teach you that whoever prays for mercy on behalf of another when he himself also is in need of that very thing for which he prays on the other s behalf, will himself first receive a favorable response from God, for it is said (at end of last chapter), And Abraham prayed for Abimelech and his wife and they brought forth and immediately afterwards it states here, And the Lord remembered Sarah i. e. he had already remembered her before he healed Abimelech (Bava Kamma 92a). [Rashi] וה' פקד את שרה כאשר אמר בהריון כאשר דבר בלידה לשון רש"י ואין "פקידה" אלא לשון זכירה והשגחה על הנפקד כגון פקוד יפקוד אלהים אתכם And God remembered Sarah as God had said with pregnancy as God said in childbirth. In the words of Rashi, this isn t a check in rather a recollection of the care/concern of the one who is neglected in the way that God will remember you and watch over you [Ramban] 15

16 The JPS Torah commentary tells us that this verb connotes the direct involvement or intervention of God in human affairs. 2 While the bench may not be divine in and of itself, our presence invites God into our lives. When God enters our lives and our interpersonal relationships, we are able to open ourselves up to others in a way we haven t before. We learn from the Mishnah that, according to the sage Rabbi Chaninya ben Teradyon, when two share words of Torah, the divine presence rests among them. 3 While God may not seek us out in the same way as God sought Sarah, we are inviting God to partake our yontif meal when we share with others those very qualities that make us human, the emotion we bring to this New Year, and our shared commitment to our people and heritage. It is our hope that within the wall of Beth Torah, no one feels alone or neglected. Each of us can take a small part in ensuring our spiritual home is also a beit kenesset, a house of gathering, where all feel welcome, appreciated, and connected to one another. Shanah tovah u mtukah. 2 JPS Torah Commentary Genesis page Mishnah Avot 3:2 16