FIRST FEW STEPS TO MINDFULNESS

Transcription

1 FIRST FEW STEPS TO MINDFULNESS By SADIA SAEED

2 Preface I believe that mindfulness, in one form or the other, was taught by most spiritual, religious and philosophical traditions. Many awakened masters, from various parts of the world at various times, spoke of similar ideas and experiences. The words, the explanations and the socio-cultural contexts could have been different but the essence of what they conveyed appears to be the same. It is this essence (of mindfulness) that I wish to communicate through this book. Sometimes, I have drawn on the spiritual resources found in the Hindu and Buddhist scriptures, and poems from Sufi masters and saints. At other times, I have taken my learnings from more recent neuroscience research. This blend of old and new, hopefully, will provide you also a meaningful and relevant context within which you can understand mindfulness. I also hope that simply by going through this book and following the practice instructions provided at the end, you will be able to start your regular mindfulness practice. However, I urge you not to stop here. A lot of deepening is possible with regards to the understanding and practice of mindfulness. I have provided some links in this book for inspiration as well as for further investigation. Please go through them. One bit of guidance though: take it slow. Reading can help you intellectually open up to idea of mindfulness, but real shifts can happen only when you stop, breathe and settle in. So please regularly take some time out from your daily routine, sit in silence, and meditate with the intention of knowing your true nature. I wish and pray that all forces help you in your endeavor to be mindful. May you be happy. May you be well. I sincerely thank my team of psychologists, especially Michelle Pereira and Sindhura Tammana for their support in proofreading, editing, designing and creating the final product that you now see.

3 How To Go Through The Book The initial chapters (Chapters 2 5) explain what is mindfulness, the need for mindfulness, and with what attitude you need to approach meditation and mindfulness. Chapters 6-11 explain the main pillars of mindfulness. Fortifying these pillars will deepen your practice. Chapter 12 and 13 highlight two basic practice methods. Chapter 12 details how mindfulness can be practiced in everyday life, and Chapter 13 provides guidance and instructions for a simple breathing meditation practice that you can begin right away. Please go through the book slowly, understanding and internalizing each aspect. It is a short book and very to the point in terms of what you need to know to start your practice.

4 Contents 1. About the Author 2. Introduction 3. What is Mindfulness? How it Works 4. Relationship between Mindfulness and Meditation 5. The Right Attitude to Mindfulness 6. The 5 Pillars of Mindfulness 7. Pillar 1: Wise Attention 8. Pillar 2: Present Moment Focus 9. Pillar 3: Non-Judgment 10. Pillar 4: Equanimity 11. Pillar 5: Compassion 12. Mindfulness and Meditation Practices 13. Final Words 14. Books and Resources

5 Chapter 1 About the Author Sadia Saeed is the founder and chief psychologist of Inner Space Counseling Centre in Mumbai ( She is also the founder of Mindful Spring ( a space for learning mindfulness both offline, through individual and organizational mindfulness workshops and online through a platform dedicated to mindful living and meditation. She has been a practising psychologist for the past 17 years. She views mindfulness as a cornerstone of her psychotherapeutic practice. She is an avid practitioner of mindfulness and meditation and has been facilitating several mindfulness and meditation workshops both within and outside India. She has undergone mindfulness training from both Indian and Western perspectives. She has attended Vipassana courses and other mindfulness meditation retreats in different parts of India. She has also attended mindfulness courses to get more familiar with the neuroscientific view of mindfulness.

6 Chapter 2 Introduction Our Way of Life Most of us live our lives staying busy, finding one entertainment after another, distracting ourselves, ruminating often about our unsolved or seemingly unsolvable problems, constantly planning to do better, forever wishing to achieve more, lamenting lost moments of glory, struggling with temptations we cannot give into or fantasizing about the future. The above is what Buddha called as dukkha, loosely translated in English as suffering. Buddha said that the sheer way we live, forever wanting and needing more, wanting to avoid pain as far as possible, not accepting what life has brought to us and staying so attached to our belongings, ideas, opinions and relationships, is itself suffering. He said that when we have happy moments, we cling to them and fear that they will pass away; when we have difficult moments, we struggle to resolve them. And the moments in between, we spend in day dreaming, fantasizing, planning or simply staying restless and bored. Such a stressful way to live! So much suffering! The Demon of Dissatisfaction The fact is that you are not fully satisfied with your life as it is, right now in this moment. And this core dissatisfaction is a reality of the human life. You are conditioned to want more, to need more, and to stay dissatisfied; because that is the only way you will keep striving to survive. Often you are afraid of slowing down or doing nothing because you fear that the moment you stop entertaining and distracting yourself, your mind will bring up all the feelings of dissatisfaction and the related difficult emotions you are trying to avoid. Despite appearances (what you see on social media or how satisfied your friends look to you), all human beings struggle with some dissatisfaction or another. It could be about their jobs or health or relationships or finances or even about aging. It doesn t matter which area the dissatisfaction stems from, the fact remains that it is there, lurking close to the surface, making you afraid of looking at it, facing it.

7 That is perhaps why even you are here, reading this book, seeking, searching for something that will make your life more satisfying. Innate Potential for Joy But the picture is not all bleak. Just like the innate conditioned demon of dissatisfaction there is also a tremendous innate potential for joy. In fact at the deepest level, at the core, there is just joy which is often covered up by fears, struggles and dissatisfaction, so we can t sense it. This is the joy of simply just being! Mindfulness is the art and practice of dealing with this demon of dissatisfaction, so that we can uncover the inner joy of being. When we practice mindfulness we do not fight with our dissatisfaction, instead we peacefully observe it. We slowly change our relationship with our dissatisfaction and try to know it better, thus changing our habitual reactions to it. Hence mindfulness is about greater self-knowledge and self awareness, as a way to address our suffering and know our joy. While this is the larger goal, our practice needs to begin with small steps. You have to start first by bringing more awareness into your everyday living, engaging with life with more and more presence. When you begin to get mindful, you really begin to see the way you have been chronically dissatisfied, simply as a part of living and your decision to live in a wiser way strengthens. This book is intended to guide you to do exactly that. To help you live with more and more awareness and acceptance of your life as it is.

8 The Autopilot Mode Chapter 3 What is Mindfulness? How it Works Let s do a simple check. How many times are you present while eating your meals? How many times have you paid attention beyond the first few morsels even of your favourite dish? How many times have you driven from home to office or back being aware and present to most of the journey? How many times have you brushed your teeth knowing the entire time that you were brushing? How many times have you bathed with the awareness of the aroma of the soap or the temperature of the water? Chances are that you go about doing most mundane and everyday activities (and these occupy a lot of moments of your life) with significant lack of awareness. This means that you do most of these activities on autopilot. What then is occupying your mind while your body is performing these activities? A simple observation of yourself in these moments will tell you that you are lost in thoughts while your hands, eyes, mouth perform everyday tasks. These thoughts could be something about the past or about the future or they could even be a story about the present. For instance, while you are at a team meeting, you could have momentarily switched off from what is happening to thinking about your relationship with your boss. Research indicates that, on average, a normal human being has about 70,000 80,000 thoughts per day. So that s approximately ,300 thoughts per hour. Now you know how much you are thinking. The Default and Direct Networks Norman Farb along with his team conducted a study in a 2007 called Mindfulness meditation reveals distinct neural modes of self reference. The findings of this study indicated that people have two distinct ways of interacting with the world, engaging two different sets of neural networks - default and direct.

9 The default network is activated often when doing habitual mundane tasks, when the task is not stimulating enough to engage all our attention. It is also known as the narrative network and contains all the stories, analyses, memories, interpretations of situations and concepts. The tendency to slip into this mode is natural. Let s take the example of peeling an orange. When you are peeling the orange your default network sets off into narrative mode. Your thoughts might initially be about the person you purchased the oranges from. Then thoughts might move to be about the cost of oranges and comparison to the costs in previous season. Then, before you realize, thoughts would have jumped to be about Nagpur, the land of oranges. And, on and on, the thoughts keep jumping from one to another forming some kind of an interlinking story. This is our narrative circuitry, always creating story after story. The mind is a compulsive story teller. Farb and his team also spoke of another way in which you could engage with the world-through the direct network. Here you relate to the experience just as it is. You perceive everything for what it is. For instance if you are peeling an orange, you are completely aware of peeling it- its feel in your hands, its aroma, its texture and so on. That s the direct experience. Often the default network is active for most waking hours and operates in the autopilot mode. There's nothing wrong with this network except that: Often the experience of life and the world can get highly dominated by this default network. This excessive use of the default network leaves little space to experience reality for what it really is without the stories and interpretations. This also leaves little space for you to really live life as it unfolds in the present moment. Mindfulness: Staying Present to Life Mindfulness is a beautiful and gentle practice that helps you stay rooted to and be aware of the present. In Farb s words it helps you engage with the world through the direct network. It is a practice that helps you be completely alert to life as it is happening; using all senses. If, habitually, thoughts come up, mindfulness allows you to even stay aware of them and to let them come and go without ascribing meanings to them, or getting carried away by the story. While most research in the field of mindfulness is just a few decades old, the practice of mindfulness itself is over 4000 years old. The practice of staying

10 present with acceptance and awareness was a part of several Hindu scriptures and yogic traditions. It was brought again to the forefront in times of Buddha around 500 B.C. It has regained prominence in the last few decades as a secular practice, greatly beneficial for mental health and has become an important part of many western therapeutic approaches such as MBSR (Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction), MBCT (Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy) and ACT ( Acceptance and Commitment Therapy). A holistic definition of mindfulness has been given by Jon Kabat-Zinn (the founder of MBSR): Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way; on purpose, in the present moment, and non judgmentally. Each of these aspects has been elaborated further in the book as we visit the pillars of mindfulness.

11 Chapter 4 Relationship between Mindfulness and Meditation Often there is confusion between mindfulness and meditation. I also sometimes use the terms interchangeably. So let s clarify what really is the difference. Mindfulness is a larger concept. It is about living your whole life, your everyday life, staying aware and being present, moment to moment. Meditation is a formal practice that helps to strengthen mindfulness. It is a practice that helps to inculcate more focus, deepens awareness and helps you to live more mindfully. Neuroscience research suggests that if you meditate regularly for some time, everyday, there are helpful changes that will actually take place in the structure and function of the brain. These changes will then get generalized to everyday life. Neuroscience research today is in complete alignment with what the Buddha said a couple of thousand years ago: that you become what you incline towards. If you hold a lot of unhappy or anxious thoughts, your brain becomes slowly conditioned to be unhappy or anxious. If you hold a lot of angry thoughts, you incline yourself to be angry. Similarly if you hold mindfulness and presence for extended periods of time and during meditation, you become more mindful. Hence whatever you allow your mind to hold becomes you over a period of time and practice. Meditation is hence a regular practice to help strengthen oneself to be non-judgmental, accepting, equanimous and present. Hence, in order to live mindfully, not only do you need to bring your awareness to moments in your everyday life, but also you need to set some time aside in your day practicing meditation so that your ability to concentrate and stay rooted in the present is enhanced. There are several techniques of meditation. Let s take the example of the most common one- breathing meditation (this practice is taught at the end of this book). In this technique, you sit with your eyes fully or partially closed and completely focus on your breathing.

12 Doing this kind of meditation on a regular basis increases your capacity to be more present to life and therefore to be more mindful.

13 Chapter 5 The Right Attitude to Mindfulness Mindfulness is a gentle and peaceful practice. Hence it is important to be gentle and peaceful even in your approach to learning it. While it requires skilful effort, it is quite unlike learning any other skill. Here are some points that you could keep in mind. 1. Don t Expect an Overnight Change One common tendency is to believe that, now that you have understood mindfulness and started to meditate, everything will get resolved quickly, your anger issues will disappear, your fears will vanish and you will feel very calm. Such an attitude can frustrate you and actually take you away from mindfulness very easily. Mindfulness is not a practice to solve problems. It is a practice that teaches you to stay present and accepting towards your problems. It is a way to change your relationship with your problems. Trying to use mindfulness to resolve them is actually creating more desire and aversion and therefore more suffering. Having said that, it does not mean mindfulness will not help you. You may start feeling more grounded and may subjectively feel a sense of wellbeing quite soon, but the deep changes of conditioning take time, they take years even. As a result of your practice, when you start to stay more present to difficulties and stop clinging as much to moments of pleasure, you begin to relate to life differently, with more calmness and acceptance. 2. Remember Mindfulness is Simple but not Easy Learning mindfulness and meditation is simple. It is just a simple practice of coming back to the breath or to the present. However it is not easy. It is not easy because simply staying present to life is not what we are conditioned to do. We are conditioned to strive and struggle and make plans. So trying to

14 be present goes against very deep conditioning. That is why it is a difficult practice. It requires you to understand deeply why you are doing such a practice and it requires you to be disciplined about it. It also requires you be to self-compassionate and forgiving towards yourself, because you are simply human and it is not easy to change this conditioning that makes you suffer. 3. Don t Give Up Too Soon It is possible that you try to meditate but in your heart you believe you are too restless for this kind of a practice. You believe this practice is meant for people who are more calm and steady and not for someone as restless as you. Such a belief is an impediment to developing mindfulness. In fact, if you are restless, you need mindfulness even more. And you are not alone. You have to believe that the human mind is restless. Restlessness is simply a conditioned habit of escaping from a boring present to a juicier thought or fantasy. This is exactly the kind of habit that does not let you embrace the present. So cultivating mindfulness is actually an answer. It is definitely not easy to challenge your mental habits of years and so you are definitely going to have some difficulty initially being mindful. However as you keep at it, the habit of restlessness begins to change. Keeping at it gently and not giving up is the key. 4. Don t Try Too Hard Sometimes people who start to connect with mindfulness feel excited at receiving a new way to live and find themselves in a hurry to get peaceful. Hurry and goal orientation of this kind can take you away from simply being present and so it actually serves to weaken your mindfulness. Mindfulness does not proceed in a linear fashion. This means if yesterday you were calm in meditation it isn t necessary today will be even better. It can go well one day and not go well another day. You could be very regular and dedicated one month and then feel very restless the next month. This is ok because we are not concerned with the results, just with being present to whatever happens. We need to remember simply to accept these changes in our practice.

15 A Short Zen Story about Being in a Hurry to Get Results: A young but earnest Zen student approached his teacher, and asked the Zen Master: "If I work very hard and diligently, how long will it take for me to find Zen?" The Master thought about this, then replied, "Ten years." The student then said, "But what if I work very, very hard and really apply myself to learn fast - how long then?" Replied the Master, "Well, twenty years." "But, if I really, really work at it, how long then?" asked the student. "Thirty years," replied the Master. "But, I do not understand," said the disappointed student. "At each time that I say I will work harder, you say it will take me longer. Why do you say that?" Replied the Master," When you have one eye on the goal, you only have one eye on the path."

16 Chapter 6 The 5 Pillars of Mindfulness Imagine mindfulness as a house that is erected on five pillars. Each pillar is equally important and needs to be kept strong. The more care we take to strengthen these pillars, the more robust is the structure of mindfulness. Reinforcing one of these pillars through practice helps to strengthen the others too. The quality of mindfulness will depend upon the strength, balance and harmony of these five pillars. The 5 Pillars: -Wise Attention -Present Moment Focus -Non judgment -Equanimity -Compassion The next five chapters are dedicated to a simple and practical understanding of the 5 pillars. Even after you are done reading this book and have started your practice, do revisit these pillars often to see if your practice includes awareness of all of these.

17 A Daily Reflection I vow to remember that today is a new day Full of new beginnings and fresh moments Today, I will not cling to events of yesterday nor yesteryear But stay connected with what today brings. I will not madly pursue my desires at the expense of others Nor flee from challenging tasks. I will remain true to the unfolding process of today Without losing myself in thoughts of what was or what might be. I will treat today with awareness and sensitivity Even in the most ordinary of tasks. I will apply myself wholeheartedly to the fullness of today For I know that today holds the resource for authenticity (Source:

18 Chapter 7 Pillar 1: Wise Attention If you pay attention to your thinking, often you will find that you almost obsessively are thinking about controlling some situation in your current life (or future life), excessively reminiscing about a past distress, clinging to some past pleasures or already living in future dreams. What you are doing essentially is trying to get some sense of control and stability in a highly unpredictable, uncontrollable environment, so that you can feel safe. Let us ask some hard hitting questions. Does this kind of thinking and planning really work? Even if it seems to momentarily make you feel good, it clearly doesn t make you feel fully safe and satisfied, for if it did, you wouldn t think about it over and over again. So what really can or can t you control? In this moment, you cannot control which thought will enter your mind or which feeling will overwhelm you. You cannot control what someone around you will do or say or think. You cannot control what might suddenly occur. Very uneasily you have to face this truth that there is little in your control. And no matter how much you invest in planning for the future or avoiding unpleasant outcomes, you know all is not within your control and that makes you uneasy. Your dreams simply might not materialize. But there is one factor that you can clearly train yourself to have more control over. That factor is your attention. You can choose what you want to attend to in this moment. Mindfulness is the name of such training. When practicing mindfulness you slowly learn to train your attention to stay in the present moment. What you pay attention to or ignore, decides what the content of your mind is going to be. The mind is everything. What you think you become. Gautama Buddha

19 This is a very profound statement. It implies that you are what you are due to the inclination of your mind. Which means that a lot of your pain and suffering is also due to the inclination of your mind. You don t need to accept this right away. But as you get mindful, this statement will make more and more sense. Therefore it is important to be aware of what you are habitually choosing to attend to and to choose with wisdom. Let s take an example to further clarify: Say you are driving to work and encounter a big traffic jam. You have a meeting to attend and, due to some unexpected road work, there is a huge pile up of traffic. You begin to feel anxious and start stressing out. You keep thinking I should have left earlier; I wonder what will my colleagues say about me missing this meeting. Your mind moves to quickly interpreting and ascribing many meanings. Maybe you start imagining scenarios about what you will say and how you will explain yourself so that you are better prepared. These are natural and automatic thoughts. They simply come to you uninvited. What do you do? Often the tendency is to dwell in these thoughts, imagine outcomes that are unpleasant, feel stressed at the interference to your schedule and maybe even express frustration and anger towards the traffic jam and the people who you believe are responsible. What is described above is a common, natural situation and an equally common set of responses. And none of them is wrong! However getting carried away with the thoughts is constantly taking you away from what is actually happening in the traffic jam. You might think there is nothing to attend to in a mundane and routine traffic jam. But mindfulness alters this thinking and gives you many moments, even here, you can bring your awareness to. The fact of the matter is that all thoughts are about a future outcome but your car stuck in the traffic is what is unfolding right now. That is where you are. Accepting this lessens the suffering that your thoughts are generating. Hence it is about using attention wisely. What can you bring your attention to? You may choose to:

20 Allow the thoughts to come and go and just watch them, instead of getting involved in their story and imagining scenarios that are not in the present. Pay attention to your breath that has become dysregulated because you are stressed, and notice how the breath simply is (deep, shallow, heavy etc.). Pay attention to your body and notice how it seems to be reacting to the situation. It may feel tight, constricted in places, sweaty, heated and so on. Relax gently back into your seat and notice how the support of the car feels on your back. Simply take a look at what is happening in front of you. You may just watch the road works in operation. Observe the passers-by. All of the above are also valid aspects of the situation that can be attended to. In fact, attending to these other aspects can actually lead to a fuller and richer experience of what is really happening. It can also help to deepen your awareness of yourself, of how you feel in such situations and get you to connect better with your own body and mind. Getting carried away in thoughts, on the other hand, de-centers you and takes you away from the situation. It intensifies the fears created by the imagined scenarios and adds to the stress and uneasiness. Here is an insightful story that explains the concept of using attention wisely: A Short Story on Using Attention Wisely Two monks were making a pilgrimage to venerate the relics of a great Saint. During the course of their journey, they came to a river where they met a beautiful young woman - an apparently worldly creature, dressed in expensive finery and with her hair done up in the latest fashion. She was afraid of the current and afraid of ruining her lovely clothing, and so asked the brothers if they might carry her across the river. The younger and more exacting of the brothers was offended at the very idea and turned away with an attitude of disgust. The older brother didn't hesitate, and quickly picked the woman up on his shoulders, carried her across the river, and set her down on the other side. She thanked him and went on her way, and the brother waded back through the waters. The monks resumed their walk, the older one in perfect equanimity and

21 enjoying the beautiful countryside, while the younger one grew more and more brooding and distracted, so much so that he could keep his silence no longer and suddenly burst out, "Brother, we are taught to avoid contact with women, and there you were, not just touching a woman, but carrying her on your shoulders!" The older monk looked at the younger with a loving, pitiful smile and said, "Brother, I set her down on the other side of the river; you are still carrying her. A daily awareness practice: Beginning now, stay aware of your tendency to get carried away by your thoughts. During different times in the day, ask yourself gently where is your attention? Is it focused on something in the present or are you disconnected from the present? If you find you are habitually lost in thoughts, gently bring your attention back to the present. A very helpful way to reconnect with the present is to gently come back to your breath always. Notice just two or three breaths mindfully. Then bring your attention to any aspect of the present. Over a period of time with wisdom and gentleness as you keep bringing your attention back to the present, you begin to become more and more aligned to the present and start to find more joy and freedom staying connected to the present.

22 Chapter 8 Pillar 2: Present Moment Focus Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. -Gautam Buddha Buddhist scriptures like Vishuddhimagga (path to purification) and Vimuttimagga (path to freedom) have repeatedly emphasized that one can only know the true nature of things or be free when one is present to everything. The search for absolute truth or self-realization has been put as the most important goal in most ancient Indian texts. Realization of any truth or of the true nature of the self, is possible only when you are willing to stand in the here and now completely, taking in whatever is present and letting go of all ideas, judgments or inferences through which you interpret life. Such full awareness is what can provide very deep insights. While seeking the truth and achieving self-realization are subjects of deeper enquiry, and are not in the scope of this book, the path to realization starts with centering yourself in the here and now. Why is Being in the Present Being Free? Only the present has no baggage. It is what it is! And just knowing that and opening yourself to that idea is so relieving. In the present, you actually have a chance to feel safe with life as it is. That is why aligning to the present is a wisdom practice. Wisdom does not mean something profound, beyond the reach of mere mortals. Wisdom is about living well, living in harmony with one s inner self and with the environment. Wisdom is about living in the least harmful way, not just with others but even with yourself. And the least harmful way is aligning to what is happening at this moment in your life and accepting it.

23 This is what mindfulness is about. It s about cultivating wisdom by cultivating the quality of coming back to the present and creating acceptance. When you are in touch with what is happening and you don t squirm away from it or distract from it, you see clearly within you all the conditioned responses coming up. Maybe your beliefs or your fears or your sorrow may come up as you stay with a situation. Or maybe restlessness, that has become a subconscious part of you, comes up. In your mindfulness and meditation practice is the chance to rewire your responses to these situations. As you respond to the situations with more mindfulness and presence, you lessen the tendency to flee into thoughts and into habitual behavior patterns. Slowly with practice, you change your relationship with the situation, with the belief or the emotion and this lessens your suffering. Practice bringing mindful attention to all that is unfolding in the present. As many times in the day as possible. Notice walking, watching, sitting, moving. Bring your attention to what you usually consider simple, mundane or unimportant. Always We Hope- By Lao Tzu Always we hope Someone else has the answer Some other place will be better, Some other time it will all turn out. This is it. No one else has the answer No other place will be better, And it has already turned out. At the center of your being You have the answer, You know who you are And you know what you want. There is no need To run outside

24 For better seeing. Nor to peer from a window. Rather abide at the center of your being; For the more you leave it, the less you learn. Search your heart And see The way to do Is to be. A Zen teacher from the 9th century in China could sometimes be heard having a conversation with himself: Master Zuigan! he would call out. Yes?, he would inquire, Are you here? Yes! He responded to himself. Like him, invite yourself in kindness to the present moment and be a witness to yourself.

25 Chapter 9 Pillar 3: Non-Judgment What you consider important in your life and what you consider unimportant are judgments that you bring to your life. Consider the real nature of life for a while. Is any one animal truly more important to the universe than any other? Can one planet be more important? Or coming closer home, can you say your liver is more important than your kidney or your arm more than your leg? The universe doesn t judge. Everything has a place - every sunflower and every whale and every human! It doesn t say anyone or anything is supremely important or insignificant. Everything is needed to keep the balance. This is the real nature of the Universe. Things are as they are. They get created, they transform, they perish but everything in every form is meaningful. This law of nature, or what Buddhists call Dhamma, is what life is about. Suffering and dissatisfaction come from judgments and labels that human beings ascribe to situations, people, things and achievements. Labels of being important, unimportant, urgent, boring, interesting, stimulating etc. do not let you engage with the actual experience. Let me give you a personal example of what judgment does: I don t like the taste of olives and often I would feel somewhat displeased if it was a part of my pasta or sandwich. While I would not send the dish away, I would spend time picking them out of my dish. Then one day, it struck me (mindfulness strikes like that, with sudden epiphanies!), while eating a Subway in which some olives had made their way, that I feel annoyed with olives in my food because I know I don t like olives. What if I treated olives as something new I did not know much about and so wouldn t judge? That day I tried to simply taste each olive mindfully. Not that the taste was pleasing to me. But my annoyance at not liking the food due to olives considerably decreased. I realized I made some peace with olives even though I did not necessarily like them or choose them.

26 Better still, the learning was so powerful that my annoyance at finding olives in my food came down considerably ever after. Which means, to that extent, my suffering around finding olives in my food came down. Later on, at times I picked olives out of my food and at other times I simply ate them because they were there. Now, I m not belittling serious difficulties in life to liking or disliking olives. But I need you to realize that the sense of taste is deeply conditioned and deeply engrained. And applying mindfulness to it, helped. The point is that if such non-judgment is brought upon anything, difficult or easy, pleasant or unpleasant, the resultant reactivity decreases and therefore the suffering decreases. Situations are just there, and suffering comes from having a judgment about them. In getting mindful, if you practice attending to the present, but you do not attempt non-judgmental acceptance, you are doing a concentration exercise; you are not cultivating mindfulness. As the definition goes mindfulness is about cultivating attention, keeping it focused on the present but doing it non-judgmentally, without labeling experience. It is about looking at things afresh, anew, without previously held interpretations. Often working with the mind in this way is referred to as cultivating a Beginner s Mind. Dealing with a Judgmental Mind: Judgment comes very naturally to us. It is a conditioned mental habit. And so practicing non-judgment does not mean pushing away all judgmental thoughts or worse still, getting into a conflict with them. With regard to any kind of thoughts and especially judgmental thoughts there is a rule: What you resist, persists. Which means if you create resistance against your judgment, you give it more power. How then to deal with a mind that habitually comes up with judgment?

27 The non-surprising answer is: mindfully! You can use mindfulness even to address your judgmental thoughts. They are simply there, the reality of the moment. Just thoughts! You neither need to suppress them nor indulge them by believing in them. You neither need to justify them nor create negativity or angst towards them. You simply need to acknowledge that you are having a judgmental thought at this moment and it is what it is right now. This is the beauty of mindfulness! Nothing is out of its purview, not even what appears to go seemingly against it. You can be mindful of anything, pay attention to anything nonjudgmentally, including judgment! Finding Joy in Non-Judgment: When you can allow your mind to rest, without judging-although initially it may feel like a struggle-sooner rather than later, immense relief can come over. You no longer need words and definitions. You don t need to define exactly how you feel about someone, you simply need to experience and accept it. There is no compulsion on you to feel the correct things, think the right way, like certain things or dislike others. Simply because an emotion or feeling comes up, or a thought occurs, it becomes a part of that moment. It need not be banished nor carried on. Everything can be simply watched and acknowledged, without the compulsion to have to fix it. This is the joy that one discovers with the practice of mindfulness. If you are walking on the road, you can be mindful of the potholes because you are aware but you can also enjoy the flowers on the sidewalk. Because nothing is too important or too mundane. Being non-judgmental in this way allows you to deepen your experience of anything and everything. The moment one gives close attention to anything, even a blade of grass, it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself. - Henry Miller

28 Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing, there is a field. I'll meet you there. - Mevlana Jelaluddin Rumi (13th Century) A Story: The Power of Non-Judgment Once upon the time there was an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbours came to visit. Such bad luck, they said sympathetically. Maybe, the farmer replied. The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. How wonderful, the neighbours exclaimed. Maybe, replied the old man. The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbours again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune. Maybe, answered the farmer. The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son s leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbours congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out. Maybe, said the farmer. Thus with wisdom and non-judgment, the farmer understood that whatever happened was how it was meant to be and not necessarily good or bad.

29 Chapter 10 Pillar 4: Equanimity By definition, equanimity means calmness or maintaining of composure. It is a loose translation of the word Samata which is used in Sanskrit. Samata is often defined as maintaining evenness. Equanimity is also a rough translation of the Pali word Upekkha, which means to look over. This implies the quality of watching things without getting entangled in them. Equanimity or maintaining evenness and stability is extremely crucial to the practice of mindfulness. To explain the concept of equanimity, I will use two main causes of suffering as highlighted by Buddhist philosophy: Craving and Aversion Craving and Aversion. All suffering exists because you either want something you don t have and so you crave for it or because you don t want something that has become a part of your life and you are averse to it. Let s take an example to see how craving creates suffering. You want a promotion or you really like someone who isn t reciprocating or you want a house or a car. You struggle to get it, you work hard and spend hours in contemplation of how to get it. You miss out on life while you ponder over it. Life doesn t seem as enjoyable without this need being fulfilled. In extreme situations, you don t enjoy your meals or movies because the desire keeps coming to mind, reminding you not be too content because you don t have something that is too important to you. Sometimes you physically ache out of longing because you don t have something you want so bad. Sounds like suffering doesn t it? The reverse is equally true. You are unhappy with your relationship, or your boss or job or your mother-in-law or your weight. You keep thinking of ways to fix things to make them better. You feel suffocated, trapped, frustrated. The situation does not cease and while it exists you can barely feel ok. You

30 feel angry, resentful and sometimes deeply depressed. You blame yourself or hold others responsible. Why aren t things better? Why me? In this resentment and sadness, you don t enjoy the company of friends as much, you don t eat your meals or bathe or drive without thinking of ways to get out of this situation. You think of the same thing a hundred times maybe even a thousand times. Life slowly becomes about eliminating this condition because unless it is eliminated you can t be happy. This is how you suffer relentlessly. You know all this. This isn t news to you. But you feel helpless. You can t stop craving or feeling repulsed. You can t stop thinking about these things. In essence, you can t stop suffering. I can agree that simply trying to think your way out of these cravings and aversions is a herculean task. But mindfulness helps to create gradual freedom from exactly this kind of craving and aversion. With mindfulness, equanimity can get solidified. The pull and push of craving and aversion can get reduced. When you are mindful, observing one breath after another, trying to create less judgment, allowing for boredom or unease or restlessness to simply exist in the moment, you realize that intensity of things is not always the same. Intensity comes up, peaks and passes away. Equanimity and the Realization of Impermanence As you practice mindfulness, you begin to realize the transitory nature of everything- every emotion, sensation, feeling, thought and situation. Everything arises and passes away. This is not just the theoretical understanding that everything changes but the actual physical experience of everything coming and passing away as you make a skilful attempt to just stay with it, without reactivity and judgment. For instance, you stop worrying why your work feels like a burden one day and feels interesting the next. Why you feel like resigning one day and you find it tolerable the next day. You consciously accept this changing mood and feeling, knowing it s a product of various factors related to your work and your inner environment.

31 You don t try to decide how you should feel about it or what you should do about it, but simply realize it s going to keep fluctuating and someday when it occurs to you to let it go, you just will. Decisions become easier, simpler and less anxiety-evoking, and you cultivate the patience to wait for them. This is the essence of equanimity and it slowly gets cultivated as you practice mindfulness. Neuroplasticity: How the Brain Learns to be Equanimous Neuroscience research over the past few decades has explained how the brain has a quality of neuroplasticity. This means that your brain changes as you change your mental habits. The mental habits of craving and aversion and suffering actually reinforce the neural pathways that are involved in this kind of activity, making these habits only more accessible and available. From a neuroscience perspective this means, the more you suffer the more your brain learns to suffer, and thus you suffer even more. Conversely, if mindful attention is paid to these mental habits when they arise, you are doing something completely different. You are nonjudgmentally watching both craving and aversion arise, without reacting. Slowly the neural pathways too start to change accordingly. The more you attempt to stay in equanimity, the more the brain learns and more equanimity becomes available to you. How to Stay Equanimous When It Is Too Difficult? This is a very valid question. Do you need to start your mindfulness practice trying to work with the most intense cravings and aversions of your life? The answer is No. In fact, trying to be mindful when it s too difficult often demotivates people and makes them feel that mindfulness isn t for them. Equanimity, like all other pillars needs to be cultivated gently and slowly. The idea is that you stick to your simple daily practices to start with, such as paying attention to the present, reducing your tendency to do things on autopilot, becoming aware of judgmental thoughts and setting aside some meditation time every day.

32 Your simple day to day practice has to and will gradually generalize to thoughts and difficult situations that make you suffer intensely. Over a period of time the intensity of that suffering will come down and you will know it. Remember your brain is learning a different way of being as you continue your practice! We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, But the truth is that things don t really get solved They come together and they fall apart Then they come together again and fall apart again...the healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery for joy... -Pema Chodron

33 Chapter 11 Pillar 5: Compassion Compassion is the most beautiful aspect and outcome of mindfulness and meditation. Its quality is soft, gentle, open and unobstructed. Compassion for me means really feeling for the whole creation, which includes oneself. It also means deeply realizing how connected and interdependent we all are in our struggle for survival. This can lead to feeling an immense sense of love for all creatures, and all aspects of nature. Meditation and mindfulness are not ways to become aloof, detached and unfeeling as they are often made out to be. On the contrary, they are practices that make you feel a much deeper connection with the whole of the Universe. Compassion May Take Time You may not immediately feel compassion once you start your practice. On the contrary, sometimes intense and even difficult emotions may come into awareness. It is not always the case but sometimes you may feel more in touch with your anger, irritability or sadness. This is perfectly normal as mindfulness lets you deeply see what is within. Hence years of suppressed or repressed emotions may become accessible. The way ahead then is to see with compassion even these feelings; to maintain equanimity and to not judge yourself for feeling this way. As far as possible, try to create less aversion towards these emotions. Try to embrace and accept them as another passing phase. Of course this is easier said than done, but it can be done. Over a period of time you will see the intensity of these emotions decrease. Compassion is achieved slowly through mindful practice. When you start to realize the true nature of the mind, the transience of thoughts and feelings, the weak foundations of judgment, the deep conditioning that makes people suffer, you soften up to the world and to yourself. As your practice deepens, you stop being the narrow centre of your universe and that s when your suffering reduces. Your heart opens up to all the

34 others who suffer alongside you and you see yourself not very different from them-just having different situations but the same kind of struggles. Instead of judging people for their pain and keeping yourself and your loved ones safe, you feel love for all beings and you wish that their pain reduces too. Starting with Self-Compassion Compassion is not only an outcome of mindfulness practice but is part of the practice itself and is in fact an indispensable pillar of the practice. Initially you may find it difficult to feel compassionate towards others, especially when you feel they are not being particularly compassionate towards you. Therefore a good place to start practicing compassion is with yourself. Your relationship with yourself determines to great degree your relationship with others. It is difficult to be compassionate to others if you find it hard to be compassionate to yourself. Let us however, at the outset, distinguish between compassion and indulgence (comfort seeking). The line between the two is sometimes not well-defined and can be subjective. Let us understand with an example using mindfulness practice: You are new to mindfulness. You read this book and decide to sit for meditation everyday for 20 minutes. You find you can t sit for more than 10 minutes, you feel too restless and distracted. You give up and get up from your seat. Now is the above behaviour indulgent or compassionate? It can be either, depending on your inner process. If it is indulgent, in my understanding, getting up will leave you with a not so good feeling. You would have given up too soon, not tried enough, you will make excuses to justify your behaviour or you may even blame yourself. However, if you approached this with self-compassion, you would have tried to stay with restlessness for a while, tried to be present with it, not judging yourself, with the understanding that this is not easy for you. You would have tried as much as you could and then decided maybe you need to start

35 sitting from tomorrow for 12 or 15 minutes just extending those 10 minutes by a bit but not by too long. Thus you have put in skilful effort with a lot of gentleness and understanding towards yourself. There isn t a clear formula to decide whether you are being indulgent or compassionate, because the mind is capable of bringing up justification over justification and reasoning over reasoning. Only you would learn to internally know, over a period of time. So instead of trying too hard to figure what you are really doing, a few guidelines for compassion would be helpful: Know that meditating isn t too easy and conditioned responses run deep. Don t expect miraculous changes from yourself such as I should stop getting angry or jealous now that I am practicing mindfulness. Stay compassionate to your anger and jealousy. Don t see yourself as wrong or bad simply because these feelings come up in you. Show yourself some love. Eat food with a feeling of taking care of yourself. When you come back to your breath during the day, see your breath as nourishing you, rejuvenating you. Remember, just as all other living beings in the world deserve care and compassion, you do too! You are no different in needing love, even your own. Forgive yourself for being harsh to someone or for making excuses and not meditating last month. Let the negatives go and always start afresh with a good intentions. Simply set a clear intention to keep time aside for your practice. Put in skilful effort during the practice and don t bother with judging your practice or progress. The beauty in accepting this way of functioning is that you stay soft on yourself. There is no space for harshness, just for continuous and gentle effort. And surprisingly that leaves more energy to actually face a difficult situation, or to take a challenging step or to put in skilful effort to meditate. Compassion isn t some kind of self-improvement project or ideal that we re trying to live up to. Having compassion starts and ends with having compassion for all those unwanted parts of ourselves, all those imperfections that we don't even want to look at. -Pema Chodron