Santa s Christmas Carol

Transcription

1 Santa s Christmas Carol A comedy in one act Written by Claire Scott Spotlight Publications

2 COPYRIGHT CLAIRE SCOTT 2007 Published by Spotlight Publications All rights are reserved including performances on stage, radio and television. No part of this publication may be copied by whatever means without the prior permission of the copyright owner. It is an infringement of the copyright to give any performance or public reading of the play before a licence has been issued. Drama groups must obtain a full acting set of scripts (a minimum of one script per speaking part plus one for the director) before a performing licence can be issued. The name of the author shall be stated on all publicity including posters and programmes. Programme credits shall state "script provided by Spotlight Publications". All enquiries to: Spotlight Publications, 259 The Moorings, Dalgety Bay, Fife, KY11 9GX Tel enquiries@spotlightpublications.com Website: ISBN Santa s Christmas Carol CAST (in order of appearance) Carol Allbright, a woman in her mid thirties, aka Santa Alison Watson, a housewife in her forties Setting - Glasgow Time - the present, Christmas Eve, midnight

3 The scene is the sitting room of a house in an upmarket suburb. The room is warmly and comfortably furnished and is traditionally decorated for the festive season. Cards are neatly arranged on the mantelpiece, upon which sits a clock which shows that it is midnight. There is a telephone in the room. A comfortable armchair sits to one side of the fireplace, and a colour co-ordinated Christmas tree stands at the other, fairy lights twinkling. Beside the chair there is a small table upon which there is a glass of sherry, a mince pie and a plate of carrots. A pouffe sits near the Christmas tree. In one wall there is a wooden door. A pale shaft of moonlight falls across the floor from the window The clock on the mantelpiece pings midnight On the last ping there is a scuffling sound and some muffled muttering that might be swearing, and Carol Allbright appears inelegantly from up the chimney. She is dressed in black, figure-hugging clothes, complete with woollen hat, which in deference to the season has a sprig of holly attached. Her face is streaked with coal dust and she has with her a sack, which contains a few objects Carol (getting to her feet) There must be an easier way of earning a living. She looks around the room Oh, this is nice! Very cosy! Very Christmassy! She takes the sherry and drinks it Cheers! Mmmm! Not bad! She lifts the carrots He s a red-nosed reindeer, you know, not a rabbit. She puts the carrots down and takes in the Christmas tree Talk about your work of art! Somebody has way too much time on their hands. And just a hint of obsessive compulsive disorder! (Puts on a mock American accent) Who lives in a house like this? David, it s over to you! She lifts a card from the mantelpiece and reads it From Auntie Vera with regards! (Looks at the picture on the front) Well, Auntie Vera doesn t think much of you. Cats on a Christmas card are a sure sign the sender hates you, I always say. She puts the card back and wipes the mantelpiece with a fingertip Hmmm! Alison (offstage) Hello? Carol Oh shit! She looks around for somewhere to hide Alison (offstage) Who s there? Carol frantically tries to decide where to hide Carol Shit! Alison (offstage) I have a massive rottweiler. (She growls loudly) Brutus! Brutus! Stay! Stay! Whoever you are, I think you should know I don t think I can hold him. And he hasn t had any dinner! Grrrrr!

4 Carol dives behind the armchair. She realises she has left her sack lying in front of the fireplace. She starts to crawl out, but the door opens and she ducks back Carol (sotto voce) Shit! Shit! Shit! Alison pokes her head round the door. She is carrying an umbrella like a club, and is wearing a warm, floor-length nightie and carpet slippers Alison Grrrrrr! No! Brutus! No! Alison comes into the room, umbrella at the ready. She turns the light on and looks around nervously, peeking quickly behind the Christmas tree and checking behind her I m trained in karate, you know. And and pilates! I could kill you with my pinkie. She spots the sack, and prods it gingerly with her umbrella I know you re in here! The police are on their way. (She pauses) Brutus is a trained sniffer dog, you know. Go on, Brutus! Good dog! Sniff that sack and do your thing! Grrrr! (She makes loud sniffing noises and barks) Carol stands up and emerges with her hands up Carol Oh, for heaven s sake! Enough with the dog thing! Seriously, it s embarrassing! Alison raises her umbrella It s okay! I m not going to hurt you. Alison I don t believe you. You have no reason to let me live. I ve seen your face. You know I could identify you from a mug shot. You have to get rid of me to keep your secret! I ll be this year s Christmas tragedy. (She gasps). Oh my God! I ll be on the front page of the Daily Record! Carol You watch way too much TV! Alison grabs the phone Wait! What are you doing? Alison What does it look like? Carol Please! Don t call the police. She moves towards Alison Alison Stay back! I m warning you! Alison brandishes the umbrella Carol But Alison I won t tell you again! Carol I m not going to hurt you. Alison Damn right you aren t! Carol Look Alison (raising the umbrella even further) I ll do it! I will! Carol (sits in the armchair) No you won t! She lifts the mince pie and examines it, then waves it at Alison

5 And it s always bloody mince pies! What is it with mince pies? Never a biscuit or a nice slice of Madeira cake! Or a sandwich! A bacon sandwich! Would it bloody hurt once in a while? Oh, put the umbrella away, for pity s sake. You look like you re hailing a taxi! Alison (lowering the umbrella tentatively) Is it money you want? Or the video? You can have the video! I m getting a DVD player (She slaps her hand over her mouth) But I haven t got it yet. There isn t a DVD player in the house. Carol If there was, would it be a trained sniffer DVD player? There is a pause Alison I did have a rottweiler once, you know. It died. Carol I m sorry! Alison Another dog killed it. Carol Savaged, eh? Alison Not exactly. It choked on a Chihuahua. Carol Bummer! Alison Yes. We had to use the salad tongs to get it out. They were never the same after that. It was dead, of course, by the time we got it, the Chihuahua, I mean. All wet and straggly! Looked like a bit of chewed up steak. But, then, it always did to me! Auntie Vera was devastated. Carol It was her Chihuahua? Alison (nods) Butterfly Sapphire Empress of the Storm Tossed Serengeti the Third! Bubbles for short! Carol That explains the card at least. Alison What? Carol Oh, nothing! So, no chance of a bacon sarnie then? Alison Look, I don t mean to be rude but who are you and what are you doing in my house? Carol Well Alison I mean, I know what you re doing. It s pretty obvious what you re doing. (She indicates the sack) I don t even know why I m standing here talking to you. Carol Neither do I. You seem to be able to have this conversation all by yourself. Alison I mean I don t know why I m not already phoning the police. She lifts the phone again. Carol takes it from her gently Carol No point! I d be gone before they got here. And it s Christmas Eve. You know as well as I do they ve got better things to do tonight. Alison Better than arrest a burglar caught in the act? Carol A burglar? Is that what you think I am? A burglar? I m insulted! Alison Well, what would you call someone who breaks into people s houses and steals their DVD players? Carol Hold on a minute! I didn t break in. And you haven t got a DVD player, remember. And anyway, aren t the police supposed to be on their way already? Alison That s not the point. Carol It kind of is. You can t go around accusing people of stealing stuff you don t even have. And I didn t break in! I can t stress that strongly enough! Alison Well, you got in somehow. She crosses to the window and checks it Did you come in the back door? Did I leave it unlocked again? She heads for the door I ll be right back. Don t touch anything! I know where everything is! Carol Will you relax? I didn t come in the back door. Or the front door, or the cat flap or any of your windows. Alison Then how? Carol (sighs) If you must know I came down the chimney.

6 Alison The chimney? Carol The very same. Alison You ll be telling me next you re Santa Claus. Carol I am Santa Claus. Alison You re Santa Claus? Well, if that s true then this must be your sack of presents? Carol Yes it is! Alison And I suppose you were just going to fill my stocking with chocolate money and satsumas and the Broons annual and lots of other lovely goodies and leave, eh? Carol That was the plan. Alison And am I right in thinking that, even as we speak, there is a sleigh and eight flying reindeer up on my roof? Carol Yes! Well, no, not exactly. Alison Yes? No? Carol More no! I have one reindeer, and it s parked outside. Alison goes to the window and looks out Alison There s nothing there. Carol What are you talking about? He s right outside by the kerb. Alison Well I can t see anything. Carol I m telling you, he s there. Carol goes to the window and looks out Alison Oh, wait! Is it an invisible reindeer and sleigh? Carol Of course not. That would be ridiculous. Alison Oh! An invisible reindeer is a ridiculous notion. A flying reindeer, though, is perfectly reasonable. Carol Absolutely! (Peering out) Where is the bloody thing? Alison How can you say that? Carol Eh? Alison How can you say a reindeer can fly but not be invisible? Carol Because I ve seen a flying reindeer, but I ve never seen an invisible one. Duh! Alison Well of course you haven t. How could you see an invisible reindeer? Duh! Carol You know what I mean. Damn it, I must have left the bloody brake off again. He s probably halfway to Uddingston by now. Alison Or maybe he s off to the second star on the right? Carol More likely Uddingston. Santa s Christmas Carol (Formerly Every Single Day But One ) Prize-winning comedy by Claire Scott for two women. Plot Summary Housewife Alison is unexpectedly visited at Christmas by a (female) Santa Claus. Wonderfully inventive nonsense follows as the two women are drawn closer in mutual understanding and sympathy. A lighthearted twist on the seasonal theme, pacy, funny and with two strongly written complimentary parts - Scene ISBN