Speak Truthfully (Ephesians 4:25-5:2) (Wildwood Mennonite Church. May 14, 2017)

Transcription

1 Speak Truthfully (Ephesians 4:25-5:2) (Wildwood Mennonite Church. May 14, 2017) I first met James, the person who became my best friend, in Grade 11 at RJC. Admittedly, my first impression was not very favourable. At the time, I was a quiet kid from rural Saskatchewan, and he was a quiet kid from Edmonton. But whereas I was happy to just be in a group, James did strange things to bring attention to himself. Most notably, he would run and crash into a wall full speed to the amusement of other guys in the dorm. It was really weird. But as the Grade 11 year progressed, I started hanging out with a extremely extroverted person names Dirk, and then James and another guy named Terry joined our group. And both James and I came out of our shells. By the time James and I graduated from Grade 12, we were very good friends and we spend the next four years together in Winnipeg attending CMBC. Our friendship was such that we were not inseparable. For the most part, James and I had completely separate lives. Our friendship manifested itself in two types of activities; extremely silly and juvenile acts and long, intense discussions on theology or philosophy. All the other stuff didn t matter. James completed his Theology degree in three years and went on to the University of Manitoba. But I still had one final year at CMBC because I was studying both Church Music and Theology. So we found a house off campus, and that is where I met Ramon, the second person who has been my best friend over all these years. Again, my first impression was decidedly negative. During the first months we lived together, Ramon slept sometimes up to 16 hours a day, and when I would see him out and about in the house, he would lie on the floor in front of the TV in our Rec Room close enough so that he could change channels with his toes. Yes, young people, these were the days before remote controls. But over the year, Ramon came out of his shell, and turned out to be equally silly and serious. And so Ramon has been the third part of my friendship Trifecta ever since. It has now been thirty years, and our friendship has not wavered. Again, we are friends, but you would never know it. We have no dependence on each other, and happily live our separate lives. We never . We rarely text or phone each other. But when we get together, with very little preamble, it is like we have never been apart. And to this day, our relationship is still a strange combination of extremely juvenile behaviour interspersed with long, intense conversations about religious or philosophical ideas. 1

2 So what makes my conversation with James and Ramon so different than with others? I know many people who have been in my life far longer or for more regularly than James and Ramon, so it can t be familiarity. And I know many other people who have a similar background in theology and philosophy, so it can t be the fact that we share a common university background. So why are my conversations with two people that I meet maybe once a year so different than with anyone else? Well, I m a cloud consultant, so let s turn to Google. A quick search of Google for what makes a good conversation brings up a wikihow page with three main sections; how to start a good conversation, how to be an active participant in a good conversation and how to benefit from a good conversation. To start a good conversation, the article recommends that I: Perfect my timing Comment on my surroundings Remember people Offer a compliment Ironically, the one thing the article does not bother to list is the reason for having a conversation in the first place. Is any dialogue between two or more persons a conversation? So would ordering a Big Mac at McDonalds rank equally with debating with James and Ramon on the need to boycott the human rights museum? Or do these steps somehow elevate a simple exchange between me and someone else into a good conversation? Surely not every type of communication qualifies as a potential conversation. Mark Twain once said: Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation. MARK TWAIN I like this quote. Sometimes we need to stop talking in order to start having a conversation. Too often I will attend a conference or meetings where I talk for hours, but come home feeling like I have said nothing. I have communicated with people, but I have not conversed. As opposed to when I come away from time with James and Ramon where I am energized by all the great things we have discussed. Conversation is more than simply communicating with another person. It is an informal exchange of ideas by spoken word. So if I want to start a good conversation, I need to be willing to share more than whether I want a meal with my Big Mac or not. If I am not willing to share my 2

3 ideas, I can t expect much of a conversation regardless of how many compliments I give, or how observant I am about the surroundings. Conversation needs to be about something. The second part of the wikihow page lists what I need to do in order to be an active participant in a good conversation. I must: Ask good questions Practice being an active listener Be genuine Find common ground Stay current on the news Monitor body language Avoid over-sharing Again, the most striking thing about this list is what is excluded. Yes, it is important to be engaged in the conversation, but none of this will matter if you are talking with someone who has no interest in your conversation. Can an exchange between two people be a good conversation if only one participant is trying to make it a conversation? Truman Capote, the American novelist, once wrote: A conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue. That's why there are so few good conversations: due to scarcity, two intelligent talkers seldom meet. TRUMAN CAPOTE Just as it takes two to tango, it takes at least two persons to converse. When James and Ramon and I get together, there is no question as to whether or not we are going to open ourselves up for a good conversation. It is implicit in our relationship. If only one of us was to share ideas, it would be a lecture, and not a conversation. To be an active participant, the first thing you need before anything else is another active participant. Otherwise, you can ask as many questions as you want. If the other person is not responding, there is no conversation. So you might as well be speaking with a lamppost or your pet. What is more important, there is no agenda to our conversations. Neither James, Ramon nor I have any idea what we are going to talk about. It develops organically out of what we say to each other. Oscar Wilde wrote: Conversation should touch everything, but should concentrate itself on nothing. OSCAR WILDE A sailboat does not determine the direction of the wind. The wind blows the sails, and the sailors have to react to whatever the wind is doing. Likewise, in a good conversation, it is the 3

4 conversation that steers the course, and not the participants. So be an active participant in a good conversation, one must be ready to react to whatever direction the conversation leads. The last section in the wikihow page say that to benefit from a good conversation I must: Strengthen my personal relationships Improve my work relationships Feel happier I don t even know where to start with this. It just feels wrong. When I think of all the good conversations I have had, it has been the conversations themselves from which I have benefitted. I did not have to feel happier in order. In fact, some very good conversations made me feel a lot worse, because my beliefs or ideas had been taken to task. And some good conversations have temporarily weakened my personal relationships, because the conversation got us past whatever constructs we had made for each other and revealed something about our core being to each other. So if the point of a good conversation is to not make yourself feel better or improve your relationships, what is? The scripture passage from the Book of Ephesians is not specifically about how to have a good conversation, but it does offer us hints as to what constitutes a good relationship which, to my thinking, is necessary for a good conversation. Paul ministered to the church in Ephesus at the end of his second missionary journey and during his third missionary journey, but he wrote this letter while imprisoned in Rome. What makes this letter different from more personal letters like Galatians or Corinthians is that the letter to the Ephesians is less chatty and more about ideas. So like my conversation with James and Ramon, Paul skips the small talk and deals with topics that are at the very core of what it means to be a Christian, both in faith and in practice. And so rather than provide a specific solution to a specific problem, Paul offers a wide range of moral and ethical behaviours designed to help the church in Ephesus regardless of any problem that might be occurring in the community. After reviewing the dimensions of God s eternal purpose and grace, and imploring his readers to no longer live as the Gentiles live, Paul explains how to live new lives. 25 So then, putting away falsehood, let all of us speak the truth to our neighbours, for we are members of one another. So step one, be honest. Easy to say, but not easy to do. James and Ramon and I are very honest with each other, but we know that about each other. So when Ramon calls me out on something, I don t take offence to it because I know there is no agenda with what he has said. 4

5 Ramon is calling me out on my idea, and is not insulting me personally. And so because I know exactly where I stand with Ramon, I know that what he is saying probably has truth to it and needs to be addressed. But I do not know most of you this well. So how can I be truly honest with anyone at Wildwood, or you with me, without all of us being offended, hurt or made angry? Good conversation implies right relationship, and right relationship requires honesty, but how do we get from here to there without all of us storming out and making our own churches where no one offends us? Paul does not tell us how to prevent making each other angry. Instead he say. 26 Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and do not make room for the devil. Anger is not evil. Anger is a human emotion and yes, we will get angry with each other if we are honest with each other. So if good conversation requires honesty, we cannot be surprised if it sometimes makes us angry. Fran Lebowitz write: Polite conversation is rarely either. FRAN LEBOWITZ Just remember that if you are honest with someone, you have to be willing to let them be honest with you. It goes both ways. You can t be honest with someone else and expect them to tiptoe around you emotions. I still remember one of the first times Angela forayed into a conversation with James and I. I should explain first that ideas discussed between James, Ramon and I are like raw meat being thrown to rabid dogs. Once an idea is offered, it is a no holds bar debate. We don t take turns listening politely, nodding in gentle agreement. We interrupt each other. We yell. We scoff. We mock. We laugh. We get offended. And we move on. What is more important, James, Raman and I believe that there is a right answer to every question. We don t assume that any one of us will have the right answer, but we assume that there is a right answer. And to get ourselves closer to that answer, we will assume that the other person is wrong unless they can offer up an argument to justify their idea. Angela and her friends were different. They went for coffee every night and would talk share ideas. But no one was ever challenged. Every idea was considered equally. Every person would have as much time as they wanted to speak while the others listened politely. And everyone was happy. Now picture a young Angela getting into a car with James, Ramon and I and hearing us debate for the first time. As we argued amongst ourselves, Angela decided to join the 5

6 conversation and offered up an idea. At which point all three of us turned on her demanding her to defend her idea. Why did she think this? Where did she read it? Angela had inadvertently wandered into a junk yard with rabid dogs and had become the newest piece of raw met. Angela was completely take aback and I remember she got mad at us for making her feel bad. But that is what we did. Good, honest conversation opens us up to real emotion including anger. And anger is healthy as long as we deal with that emotion. But how do we do that before the sun goes down? Paul continues: 28 Thieves must give up stealing; rather let them labor and work honestly with their own hands, so as to have something to share with the needy. People must not only be honest in word. They must be honest in deed. Meaning that whatever ideals a person proclaims to another person in conversation should be manifest in the day to day actions of that person. This is a sermon for another time, so I will move ahead. 29 Let no evil talk come out of your mouths, but only what is useful for building up, as there is need, so that your words may give grace to those who hear. Like I said before, my conversations with James and Ramon are not polite exchanges. If one of us offers up some crazy, unfounded idea, it is like a tennis opponent making a bad return on a serve. If we see the tennis ball softly floating towards us, we have no hesitation in crushing it completely. But again, the point is not to hurt our friend, or to manipulate him somehow. It is to try and arrive at some sort of truth so that all three of us come out with a better appreciation of whatever ideas we hold near and dear. As the recipient of the crushed tennis ball, it feels terrible to have your thought ripped apart. But another aspect of our honesty with each other is that we know from the get-go that we might be wrong. Andre Maurois wrote: Conversation would be vastly improved by the constant use of four simple words: I do not know. ANDRE MAUROIS There have been only on one or two occasions that I can ever remember James, Ramon and I leaving a conversation mad at each other. Why? If we were, pardon the pun, hellbent on preserving our individual ideas at all costs, we would never have had a conservation in the first place. We would immediately be at loggerheads, and would go home mad at each other. But we enter the conversation knowing that we might be completely wrong, and if we cannot justify our 6

7 idea sufficiently, we learn from each other and move on. Honesty, combined with humility, has meant that the sun has rarely gone down on our anger. And it makes us stronger in our beliefs. So too Paul writes that the people of Ephesus should only speak words that improve the moral lives of the people who hear the words. Good conversation should not necessarily make people feel happy, but it should affect them somehow at some level for the better. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with which you were marked with a seal for the day of redemption. 31 Put away from you all bitterness and wrath and anger and wrangling and slander, together with all malice, 32 and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you. Paul writes that the church of Ephesus must not begrudge the Holy Spirit, but to instead begin treating each other with kindness and tenderness, and forgiving each other as Christ Jesus forgave them. Like a good conversation, the gift of the Holy Spirit is not a one-way transaction. The gift requires an active participant on both sides of the transaction, and the new life being offered requires a new way of being in relationship and conversation with each other. 5 1Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children, 2 and live in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. Paul tells the Ephesians that they must live in love as Christ loved them. Paul tells his readers that spiritual growth occurs within a community. To be a community, people need to be able to have good conversations that build each other up. This includes being honest with each other, allowing for and resolving anger, and treating each other with kindness and forgiveness. The natural extension of this new way of living is that it leads to a more consistent witness to the working of God in the lives of believers. And it helps prevent petty differences and annoyances from tearing apart the community. Good, healthy communities create good, healthy relationships which, in turn, creates the possibility for good, healthy conversations. 7