Anna Turzyniecka HOLMESIAN DEDUCTION (an excercise in writing dialogue) Holmes Watson Student 1 Student 2 Student 3 Is this some sort of a joke? Nope. Oh come on, you ve got to be kidding me. How would it even work? I kid you not, and I actually asked. The explanation had me lost somewhere at traversing parallel universes. Are you not by any chance attending a course called Parallel Universes? Why yes, and it has all to do with the relationship between the development of exact sciences and the changes in culture. Not much is being said about, you know, cutting-edge physics. Cutting edge? I thought it was pure science fiction. Yeah, so did I, and I keep an eye on scientific news most of the time. Geek. You re one to talk. Anyway, are we trying to get into this course? Is that a rhetorical question? Yep. I mean, and alternate, more or less modern version of Sherlock Holmes. With a Watson in tow. Here, to teach us the basics of criminal investigation. It might be a problem. If he gets too bored with us too quickly, the course s going to flop. And spectacularly. Well, I should be fine, but people like you to be frank, m dear, you read too much philosophy and too little things with actual plot twists. 1
Oh ha ha ha. Hilarious. You think Agatha Christie is going to save you from being considered a moron? I speak not of Agatha Christie, but of my deep, abiding love of Philip K. Dick. And Dashiell Hammett. Must not forget Dashiell Hammett. And I m the obsessed one? Indeed you are. Care to back this up with some solid evidence, miss investigator-to-be? Well, there was that time with the sequins and an admittedly impressive castle made of beer coasters Shall I go on? No need, the point has been well made. And I shall have vengeance sometime for the execution. But for now - temporary truce? Fine with me. You want some more wine? Huh. Depends. Do you still have that bottle of Brunello di Montalcino? It should be somewhere in the cupboard. Behind the Marzemino, I think. Well? Why are you just sitting there? You want the wine, you go and get it. I m done drinking and too lazy to move. Has anyone told you that sloth is an unattractive vice? You know what? What now? Quit distracting me. I m trying to open the bottle, damn it. And you keep missing. Give it here Okay. Now, you know what? What is it already? When you started going on about vices I have no idea how much of the literary verse we know translates to the alternate, apparently existing one, but the Sherlock Holmes I ve read about took drugs. I think. I mean, it was a long time ago. I should brush up on my Conan-Doyle, clearly. But that aside You think he still uses? Or smokes, like, three packets a day? Or drinks far too much? Nah. I bet he s addicted to starting online flame wars, or something embarassing like that. Oh, good Lord. This exclamation sums it up quite nicely, I think. But what are they doing? 2
That, my dear Watson, is quite obvious when one applies a watchful eye to the situation. Although the execution is quite unusual. Is it even legal? Excellent question, my friend. I dare say we should go past them, quickly, and promptly investigate. It is quite an intriquing conundrum, after all. Oh God, are they waving at us? Stop complaining and walk faster. Wonder who that was? COG I and COG II. Now be careful and don t drop me. I dread to ask, bu COG? Stands for Creepy Old Guy. I know you like them young, but they can t be that old even by your standards. They are not. But I m perilously balanced here, and instead of giving me your full moral and physical support you are distracted by people who will probably turn out to be guest lecturers here to settle in. Alright, alright, you have my full attention now. Why, how kind of you to finally start Ow! Seriously, steady with the damned ladder! Sorry, sorry. I ll be more careful from now on. You had better, or I m dragging you out this Tuesday, and there goes your genetics essay. How exactly is the perspective of a pleasant outing supposed to be a threat? Did I mention the fact that I would invite other friends along by the truckload and you would never ever get any quiet that evening? You re so on. What? If you ship people anywhere by the truckload, you might get arrested for human trafficking. Or at least detained. If the proper authorities got a kindly, anonymous tip, that is. And voila! Peace and quiet. Call me in and die. Ow! 3
Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to intruduce: Professor Holmes, here to impart the rudiments of criminal investigation. I am Dr Waton, acting as his- Lovely assistant? This is not the time for Apollo Justice. Just no. -ahem. Acting as his assistant. As an introduction to the course, since the Professor has decided that a practical demonstration would be better that a dry speech, he will gauge both the levels of interest of his students in this course and estimate the levels of closeness between the students themselves. Ah, yes, mister -? Sir, how did you manage to say all of this on one exhale? Most of you are here because you have heard of the method known as Holmesian deduction and are interested in seeing it work, possibly in adapting some of its characteristics to your own thought processes. As an aside, I would like to mention that such a strategy of incorporation is be unlikely to work unless you have quite a lot of talent to begin with. Some of you are also probably after an easy course: easy both in the sense of ease of participation and ease of earning a high final grade. It is a common misconception after all, what is there to be graded on, other than some formal logic perhaps? Unfortunately for prospective layabouts, the workload or should I say caseload is going to be rather heavy. You will receive a full set of case files each week, pertaining to one of my old cases, and you will be expected to familiarize yourselves with them thoroughly before each lesson. I also expect every student to have a working hypothesis of just what happened, in addition to being able to explain how they will have arrived at their conclusion. Are there any questions? Well, sir, I would like to summarize your words. Just to confirm that I ve understood correctly, of course. By all means go ahead. You expect not only logic, but also hard work, deep insights, and eloquence. In relation to cases which, presumably, were brought to your attention probably because they had been too hard for normal police to solve. This seems to be a fair summation, yes. My friends are going to die. Now, ladies and gentlemen, observe. This is what proper information gathering should look like. 4
Have your friends convinced you to take this course, then? Why yes. Well, one friend did, the self-serving twit. Come on, it will be fun., she said. Or at least something to that effect. Is this young woman present here, then? This is hardly a difficult conclusion to come up with, but she is. You consider her a close friend. Considering the fact that I let her talk me into taking a course which centers on criminal investgation of all things, I would say so. Are you best friends, then? Not quite. I consider her a close friend, but my best friend is not present here. Thank God. She would be laughing at me so much right now. Don t worry, I ll make sure she doesn t miss such a prime opportunity. Not you again. What? I don t know your bestest friend forever all that well, but hilarity should be shared. And I might just get to be owed a favour out of this. I hate your guts and will make sure that they are spread in a very pretty and complicated pattern on a very vast space once I m finished with you. You re so adorable sometimes! Am I the only one who finds this conversation highly disturbing? Not at all, dear Watson. I have reached the conclusion that cultural differences must be at work, ones concerning the definition of friendship. Am I the only one tempted to use the awful pun of No shit, Sherlock.? Well then, before I proceed with the demonstration I should probably make sure I am using definitions you would understand. A person you would call a friend is? A friend is basically someone you can insult and have it taken as constructive criticism. And it works both ways. And there s a mutual trust thing going on. Usually. Where exactly do threats of messy dismemberment fit into the idea of constructive criticism? Oh, they don t. That s just friedly banter. 5
Right. What about best friends? You generally have only one of those, and that s where threats of messy dismemberment towards people other than said best friend come in. Outside of the context of friendly banter, that is. And your, you know, everyday friends? The kind with whom you go out to have some fun and there are no death threats involved? Oh, most people here would not call these friends. Not in the meaning of przyjaciele, since it would indicate too much closeness. Acquaintances znajomi is closer to what you are looking for, but I suppose it s not a word often used in English? Ah, no. Not often at all. Or, if we re talking professional relationships, or more distant classmates, or actually any relatively close relationship among the youngest generation which does not fall into the category of friedship, I suppose koledzy would do as well. In this case, most of you would be koledzy, but you can also refer to each other as znajomi. There may be a few friends in the room two of them at least, aside from Watson and myself but most of you are not close enough to refer to each other as such. Correct? Very much so, Professor. Shall we proceed, then? 6