PARSHAT BEHA ALOTECHA

PARSHAT BEHA ALOTECHA Welcome to the Aleph Beta Study Guide to Parshat Beha alotecha! If you haven t yet read our guide to Parshat Naso, now s the time to take a look. The material in this guide builds upon it. Calling All Parents Parents and children, listen up! In last week s guide to Naso, we made an exciting claim: that the Bible contains a sort of guide to parenting -- a set of verses that expresses the kinds of love a child needs from his parents. Those verses are Birkat Kohanim, the Priestly Blessing, and they are found in Parshat Naso: Numbers 6:24-26 24 May God bless you and guard over you. 25 May God cause His face to shine to you and favor you. 26 May God pick up His face toward you and grant you peace. במדבר ו:כד כו כד י ב ר כ ך י קו ה ו י ש מ ר ך. כה י א ר י קו ה פ נ יו א ל יך ו יח נ ך. כו י ש א י קו ה פ נ יו א ל יך ו י ש ם ל ך ש לו ם. But the story doesn t end in Naso. We will see that these verses, and the parenting lessons contained within, actually connect with this week s parsha, Beha alotecha. To see that, let s finish our exploration of the verses - and then we ll be in a position to see the link. A Good Start In Naso, we had shown that the first verse of Birkat Kohanim describes a particular kind of love that a parent should have for her child: rachamim (compassion). Rachamim is expressed in everything that a parent does both to increase her child s strength (physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual), and to safeguard him. Rachamim is a good start, but it s not the only obligation that a parent has. Rachamim opens the door for a new way that a parent can bestow love upon her child. What is that second kind of love? Let s read the second verse: ALEPH BETA STUDY GUIDE ON PARSHAT BEHA ALOTECHA - PAGE 1

INSTRUCTIONS There are a lot of divrei Torah on the parsha. How is this different? At Aleph Beta, we believe that the Torah is a guidebook that answers life s biggest questions, offering profound insights about how we should live our lives. Moreover, we believe that Jewish tradition has always recognized the right of all readers, in every generation, to look at the text themselves and try to decide what they think it means. That means you. That s why you are the most important author of this quest through the sources. We think that this guide offers a fun, stimulating and relevant path through the sources, but if you get wrapped up in a stimulating discussion and never make it past page 2, we ll consider that a success! Is this guide for self-study or should I study it with others? Either works! You can gather a small group of friends to explore it together, share it with a chevruta (learning partner), or go through it by yourself. Do I need to prepare anything or can I just jump in? Just jump in! Even if you re planning to use this for a group discussion, just open up to page 1 and get going. (If you read it in advance, it will spoil the fun!) The only thing you should do in advance is print out copies of the Source Sheet for the other participants, so everyone can follow along and engage with the sources. About the Author Most of the material within although not the particular language contained in this guide - was first developed and taught by Rabbi David Fohrman, founder and CEO of Aleph Beta, and is presented in his video, Parshat Beha alotecha: Accepting Our Children (available for viewing at ). This guide was written by Beth Lesch, edited by Rivky Stern, and arranged by Laura Schembre. Step Two Numbers 6:25 י א ר י קו ה פ נ יו א ל יך, ו יח נ ך May God cause His face to shine to you and favor you We ve offered an English translation of this second verse of Birkat Kohanim, but let s complicate it a little bit - since these words aren t so easily translated. The verse says that God is illuminating something - but what is He illuminating? What s the direct object of the verb????? ו יח נ ך א ל יך, פ נ יו י הו ה י א ר The standard way to read the verse is that the direct object is א ל יך or you. In other words, Let God shine His face upon you. May God light you up! ALEPH BETA STUDY GUIDE ON PARSHAT BEHA ALOTECHA - PAGE 2

PONDER THIS But there s another possibility. Can you come up with a second way to read the verse? What if the direct object of the verb isn t you but is נ יו,פ God s face? If you read the verse this way, then it means: Let God illuminate His own face - towards you. In other words, may God s face light up when He sees you. When He sees you, He should be filled with such joy, that His whole face lights up. This is precisely how Rashi understands the verse: Rashi on Numbers 6:25 May God cause His face to shine to you: May He show you a pleasant, radiant disposition. and favor you: May He grant you favor רש י על במדבר ו:כה יאר ה פניו אליך: יראה לך פנים שוחקות, פנים צהובות: ויחנך: יתן לך חן: Apparently this is what it means to show someone chen (grace). But what is chen, exactly? From Compassion To Grace PONDER THIS Here s a hint: the Hebrew word chen comes from the root ח נ ן which is related to חנם ( chinam ) which means for free. What is the connection between chen and free? Chen is love which is given for free. It is completely undeserved. It s what we might call unconditional love. So now we ve got two kinds of love before us: rachamim and chen. How are they different? Rachamim is conditional. It is love that I bestow in order to reach a goal: I am trying to build you up. Theoretically, if a parent would see that her child has absolutely no potential, that it is impossible to build anything with the child, then there would be no room for a rachamimkind of love. We mentioned in Parshat Naso that the womb is the paradigmatic example of rachamim. And indeed a womb is very discerning about the rachamim that it bestows. It sounds harsh, but a womb only nurtures the child s every need if it perceives potential. If it does not perceive potential, the womb won t continue to give. As difficult as it is to talk about, that s what happens with a miscarriage. But chen is unconditional. It is love for its own sake: simply because you are my child, and I can t help but smile when I look at you. It s the kind of love that every father and mother knows. And what is the paradigmatic moment of chen? It s the moment after birth, the moment when a parent holds her child, looks down, meets his eyes - and can t help but smile. ALEPH BETA STUDY GUIDE ON PARSHAT BEHA ALOTECHA - PAGE 3

That unconditional love, that meeting of the eyes, is the greatest nourishment that a child s soul can ever get. Ironically, it is this kind of love that truly fuels a child s growth. It is what a child lives on. PONDER THIS Chen may be unconditional, but it doesn t come from nowhere. Where does it come from? What makes a parent smile in those precious moments, when her eyes meet those of her child? A parent feels chen because of what she has put into her child. Whether it s a mother who physically safeguarded her child in the womb, a father who spent months lovingly serenading his baby-to-be, or the surrogate or adoptive parents who gave to their baby in their own way, expending effort on endless procedures and paperwork, hopeful with anticipation - by the time the baby is born, all of that giving gives way to chen: Now here you are - and I can t help but smile. Chen is an outgrowth of rachamim. These three verses are a progression, and the first step leads to the second. Making Eye Contact Now, it s true that a child always needs rachamim and chen from his parents - but we started to suggest that each of these kinds of love is associated with a particular phase in the child s life. We showed that the paradigmatic example of rachamim is when the child is in the mother s womb. And the moment of birth - that s the moment of chen. In fact, the verses themselves hint at this idea. Take a look at the second verse, the verse of chen: Numbers 6:25 י א ר י קו ה פ נ יו א ל יך ו יח נ ך May God cause His face to shine to you and favor you Notice this language of נ יו פ or face. It s at that moment of birth when parent and child first see one another, face to face. The whole time that the child was in the womb, he couldn t see the face of his mother, and she couldn t see his. 1 But when a parent holds her newborn child in her arms for the first time, she can finally look into his eyes - and when she sees him, her face lights up. The love that she feels is unconditional. That s chen. Rachamim (Compassion) Chen (Grace) 1 That s why we don t find any mention of נ יו פ or face in the first verse. ALEPH BETA STUDY GUIDE ON PARSHAT BEHA ALOTECHA - PAGE 4

But this moment just after birth when chen is strongest - yes, the parent is meeting her child s gaze, but she s doing so in a very particular kind of way. It s a top-down kind of love, in which the parent is above and the child is below. The child is defenseless; he has done nothing to deserve or not to deserve this love. It comes completely from the parent. There s Another Way But there s another kind of way to meet the gaze of your child. It s not when you look down at him, but when you look across. And that s the phase of relationship which is being described in the third verse of Birkat Kohanim: Numbers 6:26 י ש א י קו ה פ נ יו א ל יך, ו י ש ם ל ך ש לו ם May God pick up His face toward you and grant you peace A Third Kind Of Love This happens later in life, after the child has become someone that you can look across at, someone who is horizontally equal to you. The child has become someone who can make his own decisions. He s no longer living in the shadow of his parents. And a new possibility emerges: he might choose differently than his parents expected. Perhaps he ll decide to go to culinary school, when his parents had wanted him to get his medical degree from Harvard. Maybe he ll make religious choices which are different from those of his family. Perhaps he ll elope, when the parents had their sights set on a big wedding. When that happens, in such moments, a parent has a choice to make: how will you react? Will you avert your eyes? Or will you meet your child s gaze? If the child tries to reconcile with you, to reason with you, to explain themselves and their choice - what if you never meet their gaze? If you never raise up your face, if you keep your eyes downcast? Then, what are you really doing? In your own mind, you re disappointed, you re mourning - so you can t bear to look your child in the eye right now. But from the child s perspective, it s cruel. You re seeding guilt. You re playing with him, keeping him tethered to you. Don t do that, Birkat Kohanim says. Pick up your face. Meet his gaze. Give him peace. That s the third kind of love. 2 2 Indeed, this is how Rashi understands the third verse of Birkat Kohanim. See Rashi on 6:26, which we ve quoted on the Source Sheet. ALEPH BETA STUDY GUIDE ON PARSHAT BEHA ALOTECHA - PAGE 5

Easier Said Than Done This third kind of love - shalom, peace - is the most difficult love of all. Because it is one thing to look down at a child and meet his gaze, but it is quite another to look across. What gives you the strength to accept your child s separateness, to bestow shalom? The answer is the past. You think back to the rachamim that you spent years bestowing upon your child, the education that you offered him, your best efforts to build him up and prepare him to make his own decisions - and you draw strength from that. You recall the chen that you showered upon him, those smiles of delight which nurtured your child s soul in the deepest of ways. All of that created within you deep wellsprings of love to draw from. And so, when the time comes, you are able to give your child one last gift: the gift of shalom. You respect his decisions, you accept who he has become. This third kind of love is built upon the first two. And it is the greatest gift that a parent can give. 1 2 3 Rachamim (Compassion) Chen (Grace) Shalom (Peace) The importance of shalom - just as this applies to our relationship with our kids, so too it applies to our relationship with God. Because sometimes, we disappoint God. We make choices that are not ones that God wanted us to make. In those cases, we pray that God will pick up His face toward us, to look us in the eye, to allow us the chance to truly reconcile - not to keep us in a state of guilt forever. We hope that our Heavenly Parent will accept us, will grant us the peace we seek. The Lesson Of The Menorah In the end, Birkat Kohanim and all of its lessons are a feature of last week s parsha - but we want to suggest that if Naso is about the theory of Birkat Kohanim, the beginning of Beha alotecha is about its practice. Because how does our parsha begin? With the command of the priests to attend to the menorah in the Temple: to ensure that it stays lit all night long. In our guide to Parshat Terumah and Parshat Tetzaveh, we introduced the provocative idea that the Mishkan is an embodiment, as it were, of God s face. 3 We suggested that the Mishkan is the way that God comes to express Himself in the world, the same way that a human being expresses himself through his face. So what our parsha is really painting for us is an image of God s face being illuminated. From there, God shines His light towards us. It s the light of grace, God s unconditional love, emanating from the Mishkan. It s the second verse of Birkat Kohanim. 3 This isn t just a metaphor, not merely nice poetic language. We showed that if you look at a bird s eye view of the Mishkan, with all of its ritual objects inside, it really does resemble a face. Check out that guide to see it for yourself, and to read about all of the implications of this discovery. It turns out to shed a fascinating light on the question, Where is a transcendent God in a physical world? ALEPH BETA STUDY GUIDE ON PARSHAT BEHA ALOTECHA - PAGE 6

And so it comes as no surprise that the children of Aaron first recited Birkat Kohanim upon the completion of the Mishkan, the completion of God s face in the world. Once the Mishkan was complete, the blessing of Aaron s children was that God s love should continue forever, to radiate into our lives. We want to end with a short kind of personal suggestion. If you don t bless your children regularly - on Friday nights or any other time - consider doing so, and consider using these words of Birkat Kohanim. You will find that your children are delighted to be blessed by their parents. And as your child comes to you, use those moments to think about these three kinds of parental love - rachamim, chen and shalom - and ask: At this stage in my child s life, which one of those kinds of love could this child use? Does he need to be built up? Does she need to be guarded? Maybe he just needs a smile that says that I am so delighted with him. Or she needs me to pick up her chin, to look her in the eye and assure her that we can go forward, lovingly, even though she has chosen differently than I have. We hope you find as much meaning in it as we have. Love the guide? Then SHARE and SUPPORT! Think of friends and family who will love it as much as you did - and share it with them! And when you do, please remember to support Aleph Beta. Nothing makes us happier than bringing eye-opening, soul-heartening, life-changing Torah directly to you but it all costs money. Like the cost of the writing, editing, design and circulation of the guide that you re reading. So until we win the lottery, we need your support. Encourage your friends to subscribe to Aleph Beta, so they can get the guides sent directly to them! Or if you shared it with a friend and it was an awesome experience for both of you, consider making a small donation to show your love. Thanks for understanding - we love you guys, too. ALEPH BETA STUDY GUIDE ON PARSHAT BEHA ALOTECHA - PAGE 7

Source Sheet Numbers 6:24-26 24 May God bless you and guard over you. 25 May God cause His face to shine to you and favor you. 26 May God pick up His face toward you and grant you peace. במדבר ו:כד כו כד י ב ר כ ך י קו ה ו י ש מ ר ך. כה י א ר י קו ה פ נ יו א ל יך ו יח נ ך. כו י ש א י קו ה פ נ יו א ל יך ו י ש ם ל ך ש לו ם. Rashi on Numbers 6:25 May God cause His face to shine to you: May He show you a pleasant, radiant disposition. and favor you: May He grant you favor רש י על במדבר ו:כה יאר ה פניו אליך: יראה לך פנים שוחקות, פנים צהובות: ויחנך: יתן לך חן: Rashi on Numbers 6:26 May God pick up His face toward you: by suppressing his anger. רש י על במדבר ו:כו ישא ה פניו אליך: יכבוש כעסו: ALEPH BETA STUDY GUIDE ON PARSHAT BEHA ALOTECHA - PAGE 8