THE PIETY VARIETY GOSPEL SHOW By Scott Icenhower (Excerpts may be used royalty free for auditions.) AUDITION -- for 2m, 1w In this scene, Shelia and Shelby interview a guest. SHELBY: Shelia, I see Parks Wilson. Will you prep him before we re back on the air? (Exits.) SHELIA: Mr. Wilson, good to see you again. Did your rehearsal go well this morning? PARKS: It did. I felt like a professional singing with your band and quartet. I felt like I was on the Gene Autry Show, except without the horses. You have no idea how a horse could mess up a stage if you don t watch it. SHELIA: Oh, we have a small idea. We ll be back on the air in 30 seconds. Dad will lead you into your song and your testimony. (Starts to exit.) PARKS: How much of my testimony should I give? SHELIA: (Coming back to him.) Whatever the Lord leads is fine. (Starts to exit again.) PARKS: Then I want to mention my cross-dressing. SHELIA: (Running back and noticing her watch.) What? No!... No time. We re SHELBY: (Coming over to be with Parks in time for the show to start again.) We re back, and we can t wait to talk to Parks Wilson - can we, Shelia? (SHELIA just weakly smiles.) PARKS: Thank you, Brother Shelby. It s nice to meet you and your daughter. You should be real proud of her. She s pretty and smart and a nice dresser, too. SHELIA: Great, we have the same taste in clothes. (Exiting as she speaks under her breath to SHELBY.) He s a cross-dresser, be careful. SHELBY: Thank you, Parks. I am proud of my family.
PARKS: I ve been watching your ministry on the television, but I believe I am one of the few who used to listen to you on the radio. SHELBY: Oh my, my, my, that brings back some memories, it does. But Parks, did you live around here, then? How did you hear me on the radio? PARKS: I had a sales job that included this area, and whenever I was in the neighborhood I would tune you in. SHELBY: What did you sell? PARKS: Well, Brother Shelby, I was a pew salesman. Church pews and accessories you know, candlesticks, offering plates and such. I had five pews loaded in the back of my pickup, and I would travel around the state visiting churches. I had this down to a science. SHELBY: Do tell. PARKS: Well, the trick was to find out which church was having their homecoming service. I d go there and afterwards they d invite to stay for their dinner on the grounds as they used to call it. Food, fellowship, and gossip, that s how I got my sales leads. SHELBY: Sounds like a good career with a free meal plan. PARKS: I was blessed. But in 1929, when the Depression hit, it was harder to get blessed than it had been. Even though the Depression caused more folks to get back in church, the churches didn t have much money. Oh, I d sell a pew or two, just enough to have my daily bread, but no dessert, if you know what I mean. SHELBY: I remember days like that. Now, it was during those days I heard that you started making offering plates. Tell us about that. PARKS: One day, on my way to a sales call, I hit a pothole the size of a fishpond. Ruined my tire, mangled my hubcap, spilled my bottle of pop. Anyway, I just had to sit there by the side of the road and wait for a tow truck. I got so mad I started taking it out on that mangled hubcap. I was beating that thing for all I was worth. Then all of a sudden, this Bible verse came to my mind. This is the day the Lord has made
PARKS: (Cont d.) Now why He wanted to make a day like that one, I had no idea, but it made me stop and ponder. And when I looked down at that beat up hubcap the thought came to me: offering plate. SHELBY: So, instead of beating swords into ploughshares, you d be beating hubcaps into offering plates. That seems biblical. PARKS: Yep. The Lord gave me that idea, and by the time the wrecker got there, I had my first offering plate. SHELBY: Do you have an extra hubcap we could use? I think taking up a love offering is going to be a good idea around here in the future. PARKS: You got to be careful with money, Brother Shelby. It made me do something I was ashamed of. SHELBY: What do you mean? PARKS: Since these churches were hurting back in the Depression, I decided to let some of them pay on credit. I d swing by once a month and collect my payment. It seemed to be working out pretty good. SHELBY: Sounds like you were on to something. PARKS: You d think. But I started looking at money and not the Maker. I changed, Brother Shelby. One church couldn t make their payments for a couple or three months, so me and some fellows from the office broke into that church one Saturday night and repossessed all the pews I d sold them. Filled up three pickup trucks and drove off into the night. SHELBY: My word, what happened to the church? PARKS: Well, that Sunday morning it was standing room only, if you know what I mean? It was in the contract and I had a right to do it, but I after a while, I started to feel awful. I mean these were good folks and times were hard. SHELBY: So what did you do? PARKS: I had to turn over some tables. SHELBY: I don t follow you. PARKS: You know that part in the Bible where Jesus was in the temple with the moneychangers? He said, You ve turned God s house into a den of thieves. Then He turned over their tables and left. That s what I did.
SHELBY: You walked away? PARKS: Yes, sir, I quit my job. And I went back to that church and asked them to forgive me. I gave them my sample pews and told them if they d have me, I d join their congregation and work for them doing maintenance or whatever for free. SHELBY: What did they say? PARKS: They forgave me. And for the past twenty-eight years now I ve been a church member and custodian there. But you know, Brother Shelby, there s one duty I have over there that s special. It touches my heart and lets me know God and church don t hold any grudges. SHELBY: What is that, Brother Parks? PARKS: On Easter, I place a cross in the churchyard and drape a purple cloth over it. And that makes me think about what He done for me. Three days later I take that down and put a white cloth over the cross and that makes me think about what He s going to do for me. SHELBY: So, that makes you BOTH: A cross dresser. SHELBY: Amen. PARKS: Amen. SHELBY: Brother Parks, would you sing one for us? (PARKS sings Church in the Wildwood with QUARTET backup, then exits. Optional: Parks could get mixed up, and instead of singing the line The little brown church... he could sing The little brown jug... and correct himself.) SHELBY: Brother Parks Wilson, everyone. Folks, it s time for the Piety Variety News and Weather. (Pause.) Shelia? SHELIA: Thanks, Dad. The weather is brought to you by God. The weather report is brought to you by our Christian business of the week, The Hearing Center. He who hath ears to hear, should get them checked annually. They re located next to Sears. Some folks just call them Sears Ears. Anyway, I looked out of the window. The sun was shining and not a cloud in the sky. That s it for the weather. And if you didn t hear me (Speaks louder.)
SHELIA: (Cont d.) Go to The Hearing Center next to Sears. And now for the news. Milford Rollins, 87, became the oldest seminary graduate in the state. The school said he was now ready to be turned out to pastor. So if you know of any churches needing a senior pastor give us a call here at the station. A memorial service for Mrs. Sarah Branch will be held this coming Sunday at Grover s Baptist Church. Mrs. Branch, a music major from the local community college, played the E, E flat, F and G notes for the Grover s Baptist handbell choir. Before she joined, many people said the handbell choir sounded like an ice cream truck running off the road and hitting a tree. After the service the handbell choir will hold auditions to replace the dead ringer. (Tries to suppress her laughter.) On a lighter note (SHELIA loses control laughing. SHELBY steps in and motions the QUARTET to prepare to sing.) SHELBY: (Trying to regain the proper atmosphere.) Oh my, my, my, let s try and calm down now. It s prayer request time on the broadcast. Shelia, would you bring out the prayer bucket? SHELIA: (Still snickering.) All right. (Exits.) SHELBY: As a former pastor, I still visit folks. A lot of times they will ask me to pray with them. I do, but I ask them if I could also share their request with our television family. If they agree, I ll put it in the prayer bucket. And that s what Shelia is bringing out now. (QUARTET begins to sing Sweet Hour of Prayer and continues humming during the next section.) From: The Piety Variety Gospel Show- By Scott Icenhower Published by: Eldridge Publishing Co. http://www.95church.com/playdetails.asp?pid=2580