All Rights Reserved 2016 IT S ONLY A GAME

Transcription

1 All Rights Reserved 2016 IT S ONLY A GAME A coach, asked after a loss, what he thought of the refs said: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." A running back was asked about his goal for the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first." The night before a big game, two opposing players were being interviewed. One of the players said, "I'd run over my own mother to win this game!" Whereupon the opposing player said, "To win, I'd run over his mom too." A famous player turned announcer said, "Nobody in football should be called a genius... A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." A gruff head coach, when asked why he takes his wife on all the team road trips, responded, Because she s too ugly to kiss goodbye." At the start of his senior year in college, a quarterback was asked if he would finish his education or go pro was quoted as saying, "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Disgusted with his poor performance, the coach asked his star player, "What s wrong with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' The player responded, Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' PUBLISHED AND DISTRIBUTED WEEKLY BY PASSTIMES OF ARIZONA, LLC - PASSTIMESAZ@LIVE.COM

2 SOMETIMES THAT LITTLE DEVIL ON MY SHOULDER LOOKS AT ME AND SAYS, SERIOUSLY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!! JESUS - YOUR GET OUT OF HELL FREE CARD

3 BEING DEFEATED IS OFTEN A TEMPORARY CONDITION GIVING UP IS WHAT MAKES IT PERMANENT The Deal A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. They hired a lovely young girl for the job. She worked out fine and kept the house neat. One day, after about six months, she said she would have to quit. "But why?" asked the disappointed wife. She said, "Well on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow, got married, and well, I'm going to have a child." The wife said, "Look, my husband and I don't have children, but your child can live here with us while you and your husband get on your feet. We'll treat your baby as our own, if you will only stay." The maid agreed and all went well. After a year passed, the maid again said that she had to quit. The wife found out that she was having another child and the same deal was struck, and life went on. A few months later, it happened again. They made the same offer and took in a third baby. The maid worked for a week or two, but then said, "I am definitely leaving this time." "Don't tell me...!" exclaimed the lady of the house. "No," she said, "It s just that I can't handle all these darn kids." THE CHAINS ON MY MOOD SWING JUST SNAPPED

4 I M NOT ARGUING; I M SIMPLY EXPLAINING WHY I M RIGHT MY MOM VOICE IS SO LOUD EVEN THE NEIGHBORS CLEAN THEIR ROOMS AND WASH THEIR HANDS * On Sept. 22, 1598, famed playwright Ben Jonson is indicted for manslaughter after a duel. His ability to read and write saved him, and he claimed "benefit of clergy," which allowed him to be sentenced by the lenient ecclesiastical courts. * On Sept. 24, 1890, faced with the eminent destruction of their church and way of life, Mormon leaders reluctantly issue the "Mormon Manifesto" in which they command all Latter-day Saints to uphold the anti-polygamy laws of the nation. * On Sept. 23, 1933, American Standard Oil geologists land in Saudi Arabia and begin their search for oil. The next year the Arabian American Oil Company (a joint venture with the Saudi government) exported its first tanker-load of petroleum. In 1980 the Saudis won control of the company. * On Sept. 19, 1959, in one of the Cold

5 WHAT IF ONE DAY GOOGLE WAS DELETED AND WE COULDN T GOOGLE GOOGLE TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED? War's more surreal moments, Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev enjoys lunch with Frank Sinatra and photo ops with Shirley MacLaine, and then explodes with childish anger when he learns that he cannot visit Disneyland. Authorities feared that the crowds would pose a safety hazard. * On Sept. 20, 1973, in a highly publicized "Battle of the Sexes" tennis match, top women's player Billie Jean King, 30, beats 55-year-old Bobby Riggs, former No. 1 ranked men's player, 6-4, 6-3, 6-3. Riggs had boasted that women were inferior. * On Sept. 21, 1866, H.G. Wells, pioneer of science fiction, is born in Bromley, England. Wells worked as a draper's apprentice and bookkeeper before becoming a freelance writer. In 1895, he published "The Time Machine," about a man who journeys to the future. * On Sept. 25, 1789, the first Congress of the United States approves 12 (of an original 17) amendments to the U.S. Constitution. Only 10, known as the Bill of Rights, were initially ratified by the states. (c) 2016 King Features Synd., Inc.

6 DIET STANDS FOR DID I EAT THAT? IT'S BETTER TO HAVE LOVED AND LOST THAN TO DO FORTY POUNDS OF LAUNDRY A WEEK I CALL IN SICK TO PLACES I DON T EVEN WORK AT

7 COMPLAINING ABOUT A PROBLEM WITHOUT OFFERING A SOLUTION IS CALLED WHINING TEDDY ROOSEVELT CAN T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG? As I went up to the car, I saw the cop writing the parking ticket. I said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a name. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. I called him another name. This went on for about 10 minutes. The more I verbally abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. TAIL TALE The couple were working on their yard. The woman was planting flowers and the man was working with the weed whacker. Suddenly, their cat ran in front of the man and the poor animal s tail was cut off. Quick, shouted the man to his wife, get the car. We ll take him to the vet. Calmly, his wife replied, "The vet s all the way across town. Just get the cat, and the tail, and we'll take them both down to the mall." The mall, said the man incredulously. "How could that possibly help?". "Well," his wife replied, "everyone knows they have the world's largest retailer there." GOD IS NOT SERVED BY HUMAN HANDS, AS IF HE NEEDED ANYTHING

8 DO NOT TOUCH HAS TO BE ONE OF THE SCARIEST THINGS YOU CAN READ IN BRAILLE THERE IS NO ANGRY WAY TO SAY BUBBLES YOU KNOW THAT AWKWARD MOMENT WHEN A ZOMBIE OUT PROWLING FOR BRAINS TO EAT WALKS RIGHT BY YOU...

9 SOMETIMES GOD DOES THINGS SO THAT WE SEEK HIM, REMINDING US THAT HE IS NOT FAR FROM EACH ONE OF US WORSHIP THE LORD IN THE SPLENDOR OF HIS HOLINESS; TREMBLE BEFORE HIM, ALL THE EARTH PSALM 96:9 Thoughts When we pray, "Thy kingdom come," we are praying for the success of the gospel, its sway and power; we are praying for the conversion of men and women; we are praying that the kingdom of God may come... everywhere in the world.... It means that we should be anticipating the day when all sin and evil and wrong and everything that is opposed to God shall finally have been vanquished... that the name of God may be glorious and magnified over all. Do what God has told you to do. Live the Christian life. Pray, and meditate upon Him. Spend time with Him and ask Him to show Himself to you. And as long as you do that you can leave the rest to Him. He will give you strength. There was a famous preacher, years ago in the state of Georgia, who had many very unusual expressions. One of them was this, "When a man prays for a corn crop, God expects him to say Amen with a hoe." You can't just stay on your knees all the time and pray for a corn crop. That's pious nonsense. But to pray for the corn crop and then go to work is the thing our Lord is talking about in days when men's hearts are failing them. "Men ought always to pray, and not to faint." Why Do We Pray in the Name of Christ? Sin has set us at a distance from God, and has bolted the door of our access to him. God s Holiness rejects the unclean creature, unless there be an acceptable person to go between Him and us. "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me."John 14:6 SEEKING GOD WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY NEVER PUT THE KEY TO YOUR HAPPINESS IN SOMEONE ELSE S POCKET

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11 WITHOUT WOOD A FIRE GOES OUT; WITHOUT GOSSIP A QUARREL DIES DOWN PROVERBS 26:20 LAZINESS BRINGS ON DEEP SLEEP, AND THE SHIFTLESS MAN GOES HUNGRY PROVERBS 19:15

12 THEY SAY REVENGE IS SWEET AND A DISH BEST SERVED COLD; SO BASICALLY REVENGE IS ICE CREAM I MUST STOP MONDAY FROM COMING...BUT HOW? YOU SHOULD HEAR THE OPINIONS I KEEP TO MYSELF... * It was Colombian novelist, short-story writer, screenwriter and journalist Gabriel Garcia Marquez who made the following sage observation: "Words are not created by academics in universities and suchlike; rather it is the man in the street who does so. Dictionary compilers almost always recognize them too late and embalm them in alphabetical order, in many cases when they have lost their original meaning." * Those who study such things say that when faced with a crisis situation, the average woman tends to remain calmer than the average man. * You might be surprised to learn that the first printing press in North America was not anywhere within the presentday boundaries of the United States. The very first one was set up in Mexico City, back in * In the Talmud, a central text of Rabbinic Judaism, sneezing is called "pleasure sent from God." * The largest single dormitory in the world is at the United States Naval Academy in Annapolis, Maryland. With 4.8 miles of corridors and providing 33 acres of floor space, Bancroft Hall provides a home for the school's entire brigade of 4,000 midshipmen. * Many people harbor a fear of snakes (which, incidentally, is known as ophidiophobia), but venomous bites and constricting squeezes aren't the only ways a snake can kill. For instance, in the 1990s a man in Iran, while trying to capture a snake, placed the butt of his shotgun against the snake's neck behind its head. In attempting to escape, the snake wrapped the length of its body around the gun, pulling the trigger in the process -- and killing its would-be captor. * According to historians, Native Americans who lived on the Pacific coast often weaned their babies on caviar. Thought for the Day: "Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes." -- Henry David Thoreau (c) 2016 King Features Synd., Inc.