TEMPLER REFLECTIONS F O R G I V E N E S S A N D L E T T I N G G O J u n e I s s u e 7 7 8

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1 TEMPLER REFLECTIONS FORGIVENESS AND LETTING GO June 2018 Issue 778

2 OUR MOTTO Set your mind on God s kingdom and his justice before everything else and all the rest will come to you as well (Matt 6:33)

3 Templer Reflections formerly Templer Record June 2018 Issue 778 The Temple Society Australia is an independent faith community, free of fixed statements of belief. Jesus core message to love God and to love your neighbour as yourself underpins our religious purpose and the individual s spiritual journey, guided by their conscience. The Temple Society Australia is based on shared aims and ideals, valuing compassion, cooperation and diversity. Trust, acceptance and respect are the cornerstones of our community.

4 Forgiveness and Letting Go EDITORS Jessica Blackwell, Mark Herrmann and Theo Richter Published by Temple Society Australia, 152 Tucker Road, Bentleigh Vic 3204 This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Non Commercial-No Derivatives 4.0 International License 2018 Temple Society Australia. The information, views and opinions expressed in Templer Reflections are those of the respective authors and contributors and are not necessarily shared by the publisher or its staff.

5 Contents From the Editors Jessica Blackwell, Mark Herrmann and Theo Richter From the Regional Head Mark Herrmann Erika Herrmann The Redfern Speech Theo Richter Always Over-Apologising for Everything? Katherine Hurst Ways to Say You re Truly Sorry Jen Kim The Stolen Generations Kevin Rudd. Ed. Mark Herrmann How to Develop Self-Compassion in Just About Anyone Jessica Blackwell Forgiveness in Different Religions Posts by Nexusnovel The Cycle of Forgiveness Essay from the Meaningful Life Center The Ancient Heart of Forgiveness Jack Kornfield Heritage Pages Doris Frank

6 From the Editors JESSICA BLACKWELL, MARK HERRMANN AND THEO RICHTER You get the reason for the elephant on the cover, don t you? According to an online dictionary, the word forgiveness is defined as ceasing to feel resentment against an offender. But to be able to control and direct your feelings can often be a challenging thing. Whether you are the forgiver or the forgiven, everyone has their own way of seeking forgiveness. Religions, cultures and generations have different approaches to this there are even books and self-help guides with principles and strategies to add to the mix! In this issue, we explore forgiveness in various forms, and some ways people can work to forgive others and to forgive themselves. Politically, we have included opinions on Paul Keating s Redfern speech and Kevin Rudd s apology to the Stolen Generations. There is a how-to article on 4

7 self-compassion and Erika Herrmann suggests there might be less need for forgiveness and letting go depending on how we live. A note on whether or not saying sorry too much could undermine our self-worth gets your mind thinking outside the box, and a true story of deep down forgiveness really homes in on the feelings. The Prayer of St Francis (Make me a channel of your peace) says it is in pardoning that we are pardoned and Nelson Mandela, South Africa s first black president and an example surely of one of the most forgiving people of our time, pointed the way forward for a divided country to become united. Having spent 27 years in prison for trying to end white minority rule through violence, Mandela became an emblem of peace by reconciling individuals who had been the instruments of oppression during his captivity: If there are dreams about a beautiful South Africa, there are also roads that lead to their goal. Two of these roads could be named Goodness and Forgiveness. Doris Frank s Heritage Pages give readers news about the Drisco Hotel in Jaffa, the Jerusalem Templer Inn and the Kaiser-Terrasse on Mt Carmel, Haifa. Werner Ehmann reflects briefly on his youth and visits to Saffuriyeh. We hope you find items of interest in this issue of Templer Reflections. 5

8 From the Regional Head MARK HERRMANN Why, when we can t remember particular details or matters of significance, can we not forget other (often less important) moments that have saddened or distressed us? I think it s because emotions kick in and we find it difficult to deal with the situation dispassionately. Most psychologists recommend mustering up genuine compassion for those who have wronged us and moving on from the past, instead of allowing bitterness and anger to eat away at us. Equally, and perhaps more important, is learning to acknowledge our own mistakes and to forgive ourselves. Self-forgiveness is often the first step toward a more loving and positive relationship with yourself and, therefore, with others. 1 The English poet William Blake ( ) wrote, It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend

9 When we feel personally attacked, it hurts. In considering the theme for this issue of Templer Reflections, one of the first things that came into my head was the title of an Elton John song: Sorry seems to be the hardest word. An atypical collaboration with Bernie Taupin (from the 1976 album Blue Moves), Elton s melody line inspired a lyric, as opposed to their routine of the lyrics always coming first. S-o-r-r-y: five small letters but sometimes oh so difficult to say Why? Another thought that came to mind was from a good many years ago, when Christine Ruff organised a family service under the theme of God, God s word, the power and importance of words. Part of her service was devoted to nominating one word of personal significance and then explaining why you chose it. Each of the young (and not quite so young) in attendance thoughtfully selected their word. Love, hello, attitude, eternity, yes, friends were a few shared among the group. It made me recall the graffiti of Arthur Stace. From 1932 to his death in 1967, Stace walked the streets of Sydney at night, writing the single word Eternity in chalk on walls and footpaths in his unmistakable copperplate handwriting. It is said he wrote the word over 500,000 times, for it to be washed away in the next rain. How ironic. After his death, the Eternity signature lived on, most notably on the Sydney Harbour Bridge as part of the fireworks to herald in New Year s Day of the year I remember also thinking about my choice of an appropriate word. After much deliberation, I came up with two that need to go together and, in combination, form part of my life philosophy: thanks and sorry were the words I chose. For a subsequent Sydney service, I elaborated: My basic thinking, and hopefully conduct, revolves around looking out for the other guy and treating him or her as you yourself would like and expect to be 7

10 treated. As part of our Community and that of wider society, if we are ready and prepared to help and care about other members, my two words can come into play through such interactions. We can appreciate something done for us (thanks) and, after making a mistake, can express regret for something we did to someone else (sorry). But I shouldn t do something simply in expectation of gratitude, and neither should I feel aggrieved if an unpleasant deed I suffer isn t accompanied by a request for forgiveness. I control and hence use the words for my actions, trusting that others who think like me will do likewise. Used sincerely and appropriately, I like to think that these two words offer hope for a harmonious future for us all our families, our neighbourhood, our community, our country, our planet. Dr Wayne Dyer ( ), an internationally renowned author and speaker in the fields of self-development and spiritual growth, wrote about learning to let go and be like water Picture yourself as having the same qualities as water. Allow your soft, weak, yielding, fluid self to enter places where you previously were excluded because of your inclination to be solid and hard. Flow everywhere there s an opening. Flow softly into the lives of those with whom you feel conflicted. Picture yourself entering their private inner selves, seeing perhaps for the first time what they re experiencing. Keep this image of yourself as gently coursing water, and watch how your relationships change. 2 I believe another reason we find it hard to say sorry is because of shame in admitting a mistake, thereby revealing a flaw in our character; this, coupled with the perception that admitting an error, would be admitting weakness. Yet, if done correctly, an apology is a sign of strength, capable of healing humiliation and generating forgiveness

11 Martin Luther King Jr ( ) got it right when he said, We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies. 9

12 Forgiveness and Letting Go ERIKA HERRMANN C ertainly from an evolutionary point of view it makes no sense at all to forgive and let go or move on! To do this, we could expose ourselves to repeated attacks or insults from others. Surely retribution pays off. The rule of survival must be to smite your enemy, decimate your foe and make sure your opponent is beaten into surrender. Religions and nation states are built on this belief. If I am right, then in opposing me you are wrong, and that legitimises my oppressing and abusing you. And if you, in turn, are abused, given the chance, you will smite down your abuser. Isn t this how the world works? Does history not prove this to be the case? Many of the conflicts we see today are based on age-old hatred or mistrust acted out time and again by subsequent generations. The philosopher John Gray believes we humans delude ourselves if we think that we are 10

13 moral creatures. He suggests that how we act comes down to habit and circumstance and the good luck or otherwise of our situation. He believes that, rather than moral beings, we are merely instinctive or opportunistic. So perhaps forgiveness is only given when and if it feels right to do so, and when it benefits the giver. So why, as humans, do we fight the overwhelming evidence of our animal natures? Do we believe that we can be otherwise? Do we hold out hope that we can be better? Throughout history there are examples of great and generous individuals who forgave their oppressors, believing that we humans could do better. Gandhi, Mandela and Martin Luther King, with their belief in mankind s capacity for forgiveness and empathy, entreated people to do better, to address past wrongs and let go, to move on to better things. Perhaps forgiveness has something to do with the ability to imagine a better possibility; a better way of behaving in the future. If you can believe this, then you can forgive and let go of past wrongs. Forgiving the past, but not forgetting it, may prevent the same mistake being repeated. But what about the individual (us and our ordinary lives) in all this? As many a philosopher has said: Let s begin with ourselves. If we can forgive ourselves, then why not forgive others? Forgiveness can be liberating, both for the forgiver and the forgiven. According to Peter Singer, we live in a tit-for-tat world, where altruism is one of our strongest survival tactics. Altruism depends on good behaviour reciprocated, as well as other positive behaviours like sharing and caring. The case could be made for forgiveness being one of the behaviours that should fall into this same category. Forgiving ourselves for an action not 11

14 taken, a kindness denied, inattention, hubris or insensitivity may liberate us to move on and treat others and the world with a lighter touch. One of the main concepts of Buddhism is that all things are linked, interdependent. One could then ask: How much are the outcomes we blame others for linked to our own actions and perceptions? So who should be forgiven? Is the responsibility for every outcome only a matter of degree? If the Buddhist believes in the oneness of all things, then your pain is my pain, your blame is my blame and only in sharing this responsibility can we move on together. A Buddhist meditation goes thus: I breathe in I am alive I breathe out I am alive What else is there If we could live a slower, calmer and more considered life, perhaps there would be less perception of wrong-doing, less blame and less need for forgiveness and letting go. And could we translate this into the life of nations and the planet? Would we bring a better world into existence? I do not know. What do you think? 12

15 The Redfern Speech THEO RICHTER On December 10, 1992, Australian Prime Minister Paul Keating attended a celebration to mark the start of the International Year of the World s Indigenous People. His speech, delivered at Redfern Park in Sydney, has become a landmark in the slow, exorable progress of reconciliation in this country. The site of the speech was particularly poignant, as it is very close to where the First Fleet landed in The speech addressed the injustices suffered by Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples in the previous 200 years and, in so doing, managed to capture some harsh truths about Australian history and sought to use them as a basis for building trust in the government s motives among Indigenous Australians. 13

16 Today, it is regarded as a turning point in the process of reconciliation, but there is still a long way to go. At the time of the speech, social justice and reconciliation were high priorities for the Australian government. The High Court had brought down its ruling on Mabo vs Queensland its determination was only six months old. In a similar vein, the final report of the Royal Commission into Aboriginal Deaths in Custody had been signed less than two years previously and the subsequent Council for Aboriginal Reconciliation had been in operation for just one year. Expectations were high that the prime minister would deliver a landmark speech to advance reconciliation. And he did! In his words: It will be a year of great significance for Australia. It comes at a time when we have committed ourselves to succeeding in the test which so far we ve always failed. Because, in truth, we cannot confidently say that we ve succeeded if we have not managed to extend opportunity and care, dignity and hope to the Indigenous people of Australia the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people. This is a fundamental test of our social goals and our national will our ability to say to ourselves and to the rest of the world that Australia is a first-rate social democracy, that we are what we should be, truly the land of a fair go and a better chance. There is no more basic test, I think, of how seriously we mean these things. It s a test of our self-knowledge. Of how well we know the land we live in. How well we know our history. How well we recognise the fact that, complex as our contemporary identity is, it cannot be separated from Aboriginal Australia. How well we know what Aboriginal Australians know about Australia. Redfern is a good place to contemplate these things. Just a mile or two from this place, where the first European settlers landed, in too many ways it tells us that the failure to bring much more than devastation 14

17 and demoralisation to Aboriginal Australia continues to be our failure. More I think than most Australians recognise, the plight of Aboriginal Australians affects us all. There followed a long discourse on how Indigenous Australians had always been left out of Australian history and, in every case, that this history had been written by the non-indigenous occupants of Australia in a manner that coloured the truth of their treatment with justifications of why certain actions had been taken. Keating discounted those justifications. He drew on the moral and ethical dilemma this created for Australia both internally, through the continued disadvantage and social injustice that was meted out to the Indigenous peoples, and externally, through the world view that Australia had a legal culpability, and thus a moral duty, to find a path to reconciliation. He summed it up with his view: That is perhaps the point of this Year of the World s Indigenous People to bring the dispossessed out of the shadows, to recognise that they are part of us, that we cannot give Indigenous Australians up without giving up many of our own deeply held values, much of our identity and indeed our own humanity. His closing remarks were particularly poignant: We are beginning to learn that the Indigenous people have known for many thousands of years how to live with our physical environment. Ever so gradually, we are learning to see Australia through Aboriginal eyes, beginning to recognise the wisdom contained in their epic story We cannot imagine that the descendants of people whose genius and resilience maintained a culture here through 50,000 years or more, through cataclysmic changes to the climate and the environment, and who then survived two centuries of dispossession and abuse, will be denied their place in the modern Australian nation. We can t imagine that. We cannot imagine that we will fail. And with the spirit that is here today, I am confident that we won t fail. I am confident we will succeed in this decade. 15

18 It took almost another 16 years before, on February 13, 2008, Prime Minister Kevin Rudd s formal Sorry speech acknowledged the suffering caused by decades of mistreatment of Indigenous Australians. And today, 230 years after the First Fleet sailed into Botany Bay, Australia still does not recognise its Indigenous people in its Constitution and determinedly remains the only Commonwealth country to have never signed a treaty with its Indigenous people. Sometimes, it s really hard to understand why such a small act is so difficult to do. Image of a grieving mother Source: 16

19 Always overapologising for everything? KATHERINE HURST 3 I m sorry! Stop saying sorry. Okay... sorry. Are you the sort of person who blurts sorry! when someone collides with you in the street? Even when it s entirely their fault? Do you apologise for making a perfectly reasonable request at a restaurant? Or seek forgiveness for unpleasant circumstances beyond your control? If those scenarios sound uncomfortably familiar to you, you re not alone. Saying sorry too much is a common problem (especially among women). However, over-apologising all the time could mean you re essentially saying

20 sorry for your existence. Over time, this not only undermines your self-worth, but also your capacity to manifest an abundant life. Common traits of people saying sorry too much While sorry syndrome is a pervasive issue that is experienced by all sorts of people, there are certain common traits that overlap with this tendency. In particular: Compassion. People who care a lot about the feelings and preferences of others often find themselves over-apologising when they ve done nothing wrong. Submissiveness in relationships. Those who are prone to saying sorry too much in a relationship often give their partner the message that they feel it s wrong to have their own personal boundaries or needs. Agreeability. If you care a lot about keeping the peace and preventing conflict, you re likely to say sorry more than is necessary. After all, you d rather give an unneeded apology than end up in a fight. Lack of faith in one s own judgment. When you re never quite confident that what you re doing or saying is right, you can be quick to apologise and simply assume you re in the wrong. Strict background. Whether you were raised in a strict schooling environment or by particularly authoritarian parents, spending your childhood in fear of discipline can make you trigger-happy with apologies. Anxiety. Living with an underlying sense of impending doom can lead you to be ultra-sensitive to the idea of situations or relationships going awry, which in turn can spark a disproportionate amount of apologies. 18

21 What is the psychology behind apologising too much? Apologising too much (or over-apologising disorder ) can have a wide variety of background explanations. Some of them are indicated in the personality traits as discussed above. For example, a difficult upbringing, a past of emotional abuse and a naturally high level of compassion for others can all lead to constantly saying sorry. However, regardless of the nuances of your personal life, studies show that there s likely a root cause of excessively over-apologising. Research conducted at Harvard Business School indicates that we make superfluous apologies with the goal of building or maintain trust. This study does indeed establish that we trust people (even strangers) more if they make unnecessary apologies when they approach us, so there is an adaptive reason for the behaviour. In fact, less than 10% of participants gave a stranger their phone when asked without a superfluous apology, while closer to 50% let the stranger borrow their phone if the request was prefaced with the comment I m really sorry about this rain! While apologising can be a powerful tool for building trust and improving social cohesion, it s vital to be able to assert yourself and view yourself as having the right to make your way in the world. If you re constantly apologising, you send signals that you are meek, unsure and undeserving. An unnecessary sorry has huge potential to undermine your manifestation power. Therefore, it pays to cut back. But how can you do this? 19

22 Five ways to stop saying sorry too much Pause before apologising Before saying sorry, stop and ask yourself this: Have I actually done anything wrong here? If the answer is no, don t apologise! The urge can be easier to resist if you ask this follow-up question: If I didn t do something wrong, do I really want people to think I believe that I did? Express compassion differently If you worry about sharing difficult emotions, note that there are other ways to show compassion and empathy. Instead of constantly apologising in a relationship, say something like I know that s tough to hear or You can always tell me when you re upset. Know your triggers Do a quick brainstorming session and write down ten things that make you want to apologise (for example, bumping into a stranger, asking someone to do something for you). For each item, think of something you could say instead. Spend a week focusing on just one, trying to entirely eliminate sorry from that context. Phrase questions carefully There s no need to over-apologise when you need clarification, so don t say sorry when you ask. Instead, experiment with questions like Could you please say a bit more about that for me? or Can you please help me understand this better, maybe by using an example? 20

23 Turn apologies into gratitude The next time you feel an apology rising up inside you, think of a way to rephrase it into a statement of gratitude. For example, I m sorry you had to run that errand can easily become I m so grateful you did me this favour! Not only is this more pleasing to the hearer, but it focuses your mind on positivity and abundance helping you attract more of the same. 21

24 Ways to truly say you re sorry JEN KIM 4 A FORMER PSYCHOLOGY TODAY INTERN AND A GRADUATE OF NORTHWESTERN UNIVERSITY Apologising doesn t come easily or naturally for most people. We often get too wrapped up in our own lives and needs to consider how we might be hurting others, whether intentionally or unintentionally. In many of these instances, a genuine apology is not only necessary, but perhaps the only thing that can repair an otherwise broken relationship. As someone who has always struggled with making heartfelt apologies to loved ones, I turned to experts for advice on how to be better at saying I m sorry

25 The person who made the mistake should acknowledge and demonstrate their understanding of why they hurt the other person. The reason for this is that an offer of Sorry! without communicating that you ve understood why the words or actions were hurtful results in less of an impact to the hearer. We live in a culture where superficial and qualified non-apologies are the norm for politicians and public figures. Often they will say something like I m sorry if I hurt you or I m sorry but. A sincere and humble apology doesn t attempt to justify wrongdoing. Instead, it shows that you recognise your hurtful actions, accept responsibility and are willing to change. When you ask for forgiveness, you give the other person a chance to react and respond. Give them time. Even if they never come around, this is an important gesture that puts the ball back in their court. It gives them the opportunity to either take it or leave it. Don t think of an apology as winning or losing. Saying the words I m sorry when you have crossed a line isn t the same as saying You re completely right in this situation. Instead, an apology simply means that you value the relationship more than your ego. Not blaming is the most challenging hurdle to overcome, as we are usually all too eager to point out how someone provoked us into acting a certain way. Saying I wouldn t have if you hadn t done this first sends a message that you are not taking responsibility for your actions. In other words, blaming them pretty much invalidates your apology. 23

26 Sometimes one sorry just isn t enough. To show genuine contrition it is recommended repeatedly asking for forgiveness and offering reassurance to loved ones, especially for serious errors. To apologise and expect life to return to normal because you said sorry is unrealistic. This contrition will help reduce the anger that the other may be feeling and help rebuild the trust. Most of us can agree that an apology is meaningless if nothing changes afterward. This is why it is so important to follow up with how you plan to change your behaviour to avoid this problem in the future. Most importantly, you must follow through with the change. It is the only way that the other person will know that you are truly sorry. But what if they don t forgive you? This is the hardest part. Sometimes, no matter what you do or say, it won t be enough. If your apology is not accepted, try to assess the reason why. If the recipient says they need more time, you might respond with, I understand and am willing to give you more time. I d like to call you next week does that sound all right? Sometimes people may hesitate in granting forgiveness because the offered restoration isn t enough. In that case, you might respond with, I d like to know what I can do to make this right. Can we brainstorm together? This shows that you are willing to do whatever it takes to make amends. Finally, there may be times when people flat-out refuse your apology, no matter how well-intentioned or heartfelt. In such cases, you can only respond by stating your desire to maintain your relationship. You could say, I understand that you want nothing to do with me, and I regret that my mistake has led us to this place. I do not want to end our friendship and 24

27 can only say that if you change your mind, I would be willing to continue our relationship. But afterward, you should leave them alone. Apologies will never be easy, but hopefully these tips will make them better. One forgives to the degree that one loves. - Francois de La Rochefoucauld 25

28 The Stolen Generations KEVIN RUDD APOLOGY TO THE STOLEN GENERATIONS (CANBERRA) ED. MARK HERRMANN The first order of business for the Labor government led by Prime Minister Kevin Rudd was to offer an apology for the mistreatment of the Stolen Generations, those children of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander descent who were removed from their families pursuant to official government policy. Rudd made the apology in a silent House of Representatives on February 13, 2008, in the presence of many Indigenous elders and most (although not all) living former prime ministers. The apology was broadcast on large screens erected in cities around Australia including at a community centre in Redfern, just up the road from the site of Paul Keating s famous speech (see article from Theo on pp 13-16). An edited transcript of Mr Rudd s speech follows: 26

29 [Mr Rudd] I move that today we honour the Indigenous peoples of this land, the oldest continuing cultures in human history. We reflect on the past mistreatment of those who were Stolen Generations this blemished chapter in our nation s history. We apologise for the laws and policies of successive parliaments and governments that have inflicted profound grief, suffering and loss. We apologise especially for the removal of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander children from their families, their communities and their country. For the pain, suffering and hurt of these Stolen Generations, their descendants and for their families left behind, we say sorry. To the mothers and the fathers, the brothers and the sisters, for the breaking up of families and communities, we say sorry. And for the indignity, the degradation and the humiliation thus inflicted on a proud people and a proud culture, we say sorry. [Mark] Sorry is a powerful word, yet it took over one-and-a-half decades from when Paul Keating delivered his Redfern speech for this formal apology to occur. Successive (Liberal) governments under John Howard did not do so during eleven years in power. Even after the apology was made, Mr Howard defended his decision by saying he didn t believe, as a matter of principle, that one generation can accept responsibility for the acts of an earlier generation. He warned that an apology also ran the risk of people thinking they had now ticked the box on action to redress the problems of Indigenous Australia. Mr Howard indicated his view was shared by Noel Pearson, a man he regarded as the voice of contemporary Indigenous Australia. And, indeed, on the eve of the apology, Mr Pearson wrote in The Australian newspaper of many different angles, some of them contradictory, which 27

30 could be taken on the matter. From a philosophical angle, he asked which is more sincere: to say that we will not apologise to the Stolen Generations and we won t pay compensation, or that we will apologise but we won t pay compensation. That reminded me of the referendum question (of 1999 and without the intense human element) on whether Australia should become a republic many in favour still voted in the negative because they couldn t support the particular model of a republic proposed. It all depends on what the question is and how it is put. Mr Pearson acknowledged, however, that the majority of Australians black and white, progressive and conservative, young and old believed the apology to be the right thing to do. [Mr Rudd] We, the parliament of Australia, respectfully request that this apology be received in the spirit in which it is offered as part of the healing of the nation. For the future we take heart; resolving that this new page in the history of our great continent can now be written. We take this first step by acknowledging the past and laying claim to a future that embraces all Australians. A future where this parliament resolves that the injustices of the past must never, never happen again. A future where we harness the determination of all Australians, Indigenous and non-indigenous, to close the gap that lies between us in life expectancy, educational achievement and economic opportunity. A future where we embrace the possibility of new solutions to enduring problems where old approaches have failed. A future based on mutual respect, mutual resolve and mutual responsibility. A future where all Australians, whatever their origins, are truly equal partners, with equal opportunities and with an equal stake in shaping the next chapter in our history. 28

31 [Mark] In seeking forgiveness, Mr Rudd clearly accepted responsibility for past actions, but stated this to be a first step towards a new future of equal life prospects for all. In the decade following the apology, what other steps to redress the imbalances between Indigenous and non-indigenous Australians have been taken? They appear not to be particularly evident. We still do not recognise our Indigenous people in our nation s Constitution equal partners, equal opportunities, equal stake? I wonder. [Mr Rudd] Some have asked, Why apologise? Let me begin by relating a little of one person s story. Nanna Nungala Fejo remembers the love, warmth and kinship of her earliest childhood days, living with family and community in a bush camp just outside Tennant Creek. But then, sometime around 1932, when she was about four, she remembers the coming of the welfare men. The kids were herded and piled onto the back of a truck. Tears flowing, her mum tried clinging to the truck as her children were taken away, all in the name of protection. A few years later, government policy changed. Now the children would be handed over to the missions to be cared for by the churches. But which church would care for them? The kids were simply told to line up in three lines; those on the left became Catholics, those in the middle Methodists and those on the right Church of England. It was as crude as that. Nanna Fejo and her sister were sent to a Methodist mission, where she stayed until after the war, when she was allowed to leave, at 16, for a prearranged job as a domestic. Nanna Fejo never saw her mum again. After she left the mission, her brother (who as a Catholic had worked at a cattle station elsewhere) let her know that their mother had died years before, a broken woman fretting for the children that had been ripped away. 29

32 There are thousands, tens of thousands of such stories of forced separation of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander children from their mums and dads over the better part of a century. There is something terribly primal about these first-hand accounts. The pain is searing. The hurt, the humiliation, the degradation and the sheer brutality is a deep assault on our senses and on our most elemental humanity. These stories cry out to be heard; they cry out for an apology. Instead, from the nation s parliament there has been a stony, stubborn and deafening silence for more than a decade; a view that somehow we should suspend our most basic instincts of what is right and what is wrong. The Stolen Generations are human beings who have been damaged deeply by the decisions of governments. But, as of today, the time for denial, the time for delay, has come to an end. [Mark] It is said that before you can forgive, you have to grieve. When trying to contemplate the pain, hurt, suffering and loss experienced by the likes of Nanna Fejo s family then, surely, one equates that with grief. It is also said that forgiveness is the resolution of grief. But only the victim can begin to search for that resolution. I doubt whether we can properly sympathise with another s pain; loss is so personal and the grieving process not truly respected in our society. The experience of grief is not something a person ever recovers from completely, although it is commonly reported that time (typically) tempers its intensity. In 1969, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross identified five linear stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. She originally developed the model to illustrate the process of grief associated with death, but eventually adapted it to account for any type of grief. Kübler-Ross noted that everyone experiences at least two of the five stages of grief, and she acknowledged 30

33 that some people may revisit certain stages over many years or throughout life. [Mr Rudd] But should there still be doubts as to why we must now act, let us reflect on the following facts: that, between 1910 and 1970, up to 50,000 Indigenous children were forcibly taken from their families; that this was the product of the deliberate, calculated policies of the state as reflected in the explicit powers given to them under statute; that this policy was taken to such extremes by some in authority that the forced extractions of children of so-called mixed lineage were seen as part of a broader policy of dealing with the problem of the Aboriginal population. These are unpleasant and profoundly disturbing things to reveal. But we must acknowledge them if we are to deal with the argument that the policy of generic forced separation was somehow well motivated, justified by its historical context and, as a result, unworthy of any apology today. Then we come to the argument of intergenerational responsibility. But let us remember that the forced removal of Aboriginal children was happening as late as the early 1970s. That is well within the adult memory span of many of us. The uncomfortable truth is that the parliaments of the nation, individually and collectively, enacted statutes and delegated authority that made the forced removal of children on racial grounds fully lawful. There is a further reason for an apology: that reconciliation is an expression of a fair go for all. There is a deep and abiding belief in the Australian community that, for the Stolen Generations, there was no fair go. It is for these reasons, quite apart from concerns of fundamental human decency, that the governments and parliaments of this nation must make this apology. [Mark] If it is true that we do not forgive for the other person, but rather for ourselves, I can understand this from the perspective of the injured party. 31

34 However, one would sincerely hope it isn t the motivation for the other party, since that dilutes the apology markedly. It smacks of the oft-heard apology : I m sorry if I hurt you. Hardly sincere or humble. [Mr Rudd] As has been said of settler societies elsewhere, we are the bearers of many blessings from our ancestors; therefore we must also be the bearer of their burdens. Therefore the course of action is clear: that is, to deal now with what has become one of the darkest chapters in our history. Until we fully confront this issue, there will always be a shadow hanging over us as a fully united and fully reconciled people. To the Stolen Generations, as Prime Minister, I am sorry. On behalf of the government and parliament of Australia, I am sorry. I offer this apology without qualification. I know there is nothing I can say today that can take away the pain you have suffered. I cannot undo that. Words alone are not that powerful; grief is a very personal thing. Today s apology, however inadequate, is aimed at righting past wrongs and at building a bridge between Indigenous and non-indigenous Australians a bridge based on a real respect rather than a thinly veiled contempt. [Mark] Does an apology need to be accepted for it to become effective? Below are certain responses to the apology, deliberately chosen, all bar one coming from Indigenous Australians. Nobody else in the country wanted to touch the apology, but Kevin Rudd decided to step up and to lead by example. It wasn t just a brave thing, it was the right thing. - Archie Roach, singer and songwriter The apology will help to heal the scars but it will never heal my pain and hurt. - Mary Farrell-Hooker, member of the Stolen Generations 32

35 I am inspired by this apology as an act of true reconciliation towards Indigenous Australia. - Mick Dodson, co-chairman of Reconciliation Australia For my family, it allows some kind of healing and forgiveness to take place where there is less anger and bitterness in the hearts of people. - Cathy Freeman, athlete It was a mistake for us not to apologise to Aboriginal people - Tony Abbott, opposition spokesperson on Indigenous Affairs, about the Howard government It s an apology not just for me, but for my mother and for my father and for my children who carry the burden and carry the weight of what happened to us stolen kids. - Archie Roach, singer and songwriter Blackfellas will get the words, the whitefellas will keep the money. - Noel Pearson, Aboriginal elder [Mr Rudd] Our challenge for the future is to cross that bridge and, in so doing, to embrace a new partnership between Indigenous and non- Indigenous Australians to embrace critical services to help the Stolen Generations to trace their families if at all possible and to provide dignity to their lives. This new partnership will set concrete targets for the future: within a decade to halve the widening gap in literacy, numeracy and employment outcomes, within a decade to halve the appalling gap in infant mortality rates and, within a generation, to close the equally appalling 17-year gap in overall life expectancy. We need a new beginning with sufficient flexibility not to insist on a onesize-fits-all approach for each of the hundreds of Indigenous communities 33

36 across the country but instead allowing tailored, local approaches to achieve commonly-agreed national objectives. [Mark] There were words, many of them, but were there subsequent actions? Targets were set, but what about any goals and objectives and strategies? After this ensuing decade have the metrics been calculated? If not, why not? Does it now make the words seem hollow? [Mr Rudd] Let us allow this day of national reconciliation to become one of those rare moments in which we might just be able to transform the way in which the nation thinks about itself, whereby the injustice administered to the Stolen Generations causes all of us to reappraise, at the deepest level of our beliefs, the real possibility of reconciliation: reconciliation across the entire history of the often bloody encounter between those who emerged from the Dreamtime a thousand generations ago and those who, like me, came across the seas only yesterday; reconciliation which opens up whole new possibilities for the future. We embrace with pride, admiration and awe these great and ancient cultures we are truly blessed to have among us cultures that provide a unique, uninterrupted human thread linking our Australian continent to the most ancient prehistory of our planet. Growing from this new respect, we see our Indigenous brothers and sisters with fresh eyes, and we have our minds wide open as to how we might together tackle the great practical challenges that Indigenous Australia faces in the future. Let us turn this page and write this new chapter in our nation s story together. I commend the motion to the House. [End Mr Rudd] [Mark] In researching this subject, my mind kept coming back to Eberhard Frank s call (in a Templer Talk article, June 2017, p22, entitled Seeking 34

37 Justice) for an apology from the Australian government for the wrongful incarceration of members of the Temple Society and others, first in Palestine, then forcibly deported to Australia for a further six years incarceration. At the time, Eberhard wrote, What I am seeking is a statement of support for the action of an apology to be taken. I am not pursuing the matter for compensation, although this would be quite in order. His intention was to work together with his Federal Member of Parliament to pursue the matter at parliamentary level. However, I note that Rebekha Sharkie has resigned from the House of Representatives as a result of the dual citizenship controversy, but is seeking re-election with a date for the Mayo by-election yet to be set. In visiting and revisiting this matter, I felt confronted and kept asking myself if writing about Mr Rudd s apology in this way was contradictory to telling Eberhard that Regional Council wouldn t provide him with an official statement of support, preferring to leave it to individual TSA members directly impacted by the actions of the British (and Australian) government to first ascertain the level of interest. As seen above, Mr Rudd made the apology despite his government not being directly responsible. Does it work the same way with respect to direct impact? Although not directly impacted, should I stand up for those who were, those past and present? The Templers situation took place during, and because of, a war that didn t apply to the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people. Does this change anything from a justice standpoint? Yet, both circumstances involved actions being taken against innocent, law-abiding civilians (at least the Indigenous were considered that from 1967). I have little doubt that the internees, too, endured loss and suffered hurt, uncertainty and anguish in other words, grief. But was there humiliation, degradation, brutality or 35

38 inhumanity? Still, I questioned whether I was compromised and so sought out the counsel of my fellow editors. Theo offered that, in his opinion, the Templers were well treated once their period of internment ended. They were allowed to assimilate into society (in fact, it was a condition of their release), could buy homes, get well-paid jobs and become naturalised. But these are opportunities made available after internment, while Eberhard s cause relates to the circumstances that led to the Templers arrival in this country. Of course, our children were not removed from their parents, although families were sometimes split. Returning to Nanna Fejo and her story, Mr Rudd asked her what she would have him say in parliament about her past. She said that he should say that all mothers are important and keeping families together is very important. Theo argues that the British may actually have done the Templers a service. He states, I m not sure how the post-war reality of the newly proclaimed State of Israel would have treated a few pockets of Germans in their midst. Obviously, we ll never know. The seventieth anniversary of Israel s statehood (on May 14 and, by the Hebrew calendar on April 19) has just passed. And towards the end of this year, it will be 150 years since the Templers arrived in the Holy Land. In the case of the Stolen Generations, I am glad that Mr Rudd delivered the apology, although I wonder just how far we ve progressed from that first step. For the Templers and, in Eberhard s words, the injustices perpetrated on them during and after World War II, I still feel somewhat conflicted. 36

39 How to develop selfcompassion in just about anyone JESSICA BLACKWELL As far as forgiveness goes, forgiving yourself could quite possibly be one of the hardest things to do. You are your harshest critic, and sometimes letting go or giving yourself a break is seen as a weakness. But ultimately, to move forward through life and to learn from previous mistakes, occasionally forgiving ourselves and showing a bit of self-love is essential. Below is an article written by Dr Russ Harris on how to develop selfcompassion as used in the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) model of counselling. What is self-compassion? As the great R.E.M. song goes, Everybody hurts sometimes. Life dishes up pain for all of us. We all get to repeatedly experience disappointment, 37

40 frustration, failure, rejection, illness, injury, conflict, hostility, grief, fear, anxiety, anger, sadness, guilt, loss, loneliness, health issues, financial issues, work issues, relationship issues, and so on. Unfortunately, when we experience great pain, we often don t treat ourselves very well. Self-compassion involves acknowledging your own suffering and responding kindly. In other words, treating yourself with the same warmth, caring and kindness that you d extend to someone you love if they were in similar pain. The six building blocks of self-compassion Many people have little or no experience of self-compassion, and some may find it threatening or overwhelming or just too hard. Luckily, though, we can build self-compassion through baby steps, so it doesn t become a negative thing. We can start with any one of the six basic building blocks of self-compassion ideally, whichever one we find easiest and we can work on that for a while. Then once we ve made some progress with that element, we can start experimenting with another. In this way, we can build our self-compassion skills over time. As we develop more building blocks, we can learn how to stack them on top of each other, to build taller and more stable towers. Acknowledging pain This process plays an essential first step in self-compassion: we consciously and intentionally notice and acknowledge our own pain. We notice, with openness and curiosity, the painful thoughts, feelings, emotions, images, sensations, urges, memories etc. that are present within us in this moment. This is very different from our default mode of turning away from our pain as fast as possible trying to suppress it, avoid it, deny it, escape it or distract from it. Often it s useful to express what we have noticed (in non-judgmental language). For example, we may say, I m noticing painful 38

41 feelings of rejection or I m noticing thoughts about being a loser or I m noticing sadness and anxiety. Defusion from self-judgment Another core process is defusion i.e. learning to separate/unhook/detach from our thoughts and beliefs and seeing them for what they are: nothing more or less than strings of words and pictures. Most of us know all too well just how quick our minds are to judge and criticise ourselves. Our minds seem to relish any opportunity to pull out a big stick and give us a hiding; to point out our flaws and failures; to label us as not good enough in a hundred different ways. An essential aspect of self-compassion is learning how to defuse from all that harsh self-talk. We can t magically train our minds to stop speaking to us that way. Sure, you can learn to think more positively, and practise non-judgmental awareness but that won t stop your mind from judging and criticising you. But we can learn to defuse from those harsh self-judgments and not good enough stories. We can notice, name and unhook from those cognitions. We can learn how to see them as nothing more or less than words and pictures, without getting into debates about whether they are true or false. And we can let them come and stay and go in their own good time, without getting caught up in them or pushed around by them. Acting with kindness Values are our hearts deepest desires for how we want to behave on an ongoing basis; how we want to treat ourselves, others and the world around us. Committed action means skilful flexible action, guided by our core values. 39

42 The value that forms the foundation of self-compassion is kindness. All types of self-compassion practice wherever they may have originated from revolve around this powerful core value. Indeed, we can think of kindness as the glue that holds together all the other elements of selfcompassion. For example, when we consciously acknowledge our pain, this is an act of kindness. And when we defuse from harsh self-criticism, this too is an act of kindness. So once we acknowledge our pain, the aim is to treat ourselves with kindness. And fortunately there are many, many ways in which we can act kindly towards ourselves. We can use kind self-talk, such as reminding ourselves that we are human, that we are fallible, that everyone makes mistakes, that no one is perfect. We can talk to ourselves in a caring and gentle and understanding way, much as we would speak to a loved one in similar pain. And we can do kind deeds, such as self-soothing rituals, or self-care activities, or spending quality time with people who treat us well. Acceptance Acceptance refers to accepting our thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, urges and sensations. Acceptance means we open up and make room for our thoughts and feelings; we allow them to flow through us, without fighting them, running from them or being controlled by them. All too often, when pain shows up in our lives, we try to escape it through activities that tend to make our lives worse in the long term. For example, we may turn to alcohol, junk food, drugs, cigarettes, mindless consumerism, zoning out in front of the TV, dropping out of important activities, social isolation or even self-harm. These are not kind ways to treat ourselves. 40

43 When we practise accepting our painful thoughts, feelings, memories and sensations (instead of doing self-defeating or life-draining things to avoid them) this is an act of kindness in itself. Validation Often, when we are in great pain, we invalidate our own emotional experience. We don t acknowledge our pain as a valid experience as a normal and natural part of being human. Our minds tell us that we shouldn t feel like this, we shouldn t react like this; we should be able to handle it better, we shouldn t have these thoughts and feelings. Often, our minds belittle us tell us that we are overreacting, or we re weak, or we have nothing to complain about because there are starving kids in Africa, and ours are merely first world problems. Our minds may even tell us to toughen up, suck it up, stop being a cry-baby, or be a real man. Obviously, this type of harsh, critical, invalidating attitude is the very opposite of kindness. One aspect of validating our experience is defusion. Even though we can t stop them from arising, we can learn to defuse (unhook, detach) from these harsh self-judgments, unrealistic expectations and unkind comparisons to others. The other aspect is to actively validate our experience though self-talk. We can remind ourselves (in a warm, caring inner voice) that it is normal and natural for humans to have painful thoughts and feelings when life is difficult, when we make mistakes, when we get rejected or when we experience any kind of reality gap. And when our minds compare our emotional reactions unfavourably to those of others, we can remind ourselves that we are unique. 41

44 Connectedness When we are in great pain, our minds generate thoughts along the lines of I am the only one going through this, I m the only one who feels this way, No one else knows what this is like, No one cares and so on. Thoughts like these are commonplace, and completely natural. Most of us have experienced such thoughts at times, and there s no known way to stop our minds from saying them. However, the problem is not having such thoughts. The problem is fusing with them. If we fuse with these thoughts get all caught up in them, buy into them then this creates a sense of disconnection. We feel cut off, disconnected from others; we are on our own, the odd one out, no longer part of the group. And our pain is all the more difficult, because we are suffering alone. If, on the other hand, we develop a sense of connectedness with others, this can help us with our pain. One way to help develop such connectedness is to actively defuse from thoughts such as those above. A second way is to spend time with people who care about you and treat you kindly, actively engaging with them, being fully present with them. Often it s useful to let these people know that you are in pain and to accept their kindness. A third way is to actively think about how your pain is something you have in common with all human beings. Your pain tells you that you have a heart; that you care deeply; that some things really matter to you. Pain is what every living, caring human being feels, whenever they meet a reality gap. And the bigger that reality gap, the greater the pain that arises. So your pain is not a sign of weakness or defectiveness or mental illness; it s a sign you are one of those living, caring human beings. 42

45 So as you can see, self-compassion is a construct of various elements. As I said at the beginning, there isn t one agreed definition of what it is, or formula for developing it. We can use a vast range of processes, practices, tools, techniques and exercises to develop any or all of the six elements above from modern super-fast defusion techniques to ancient loving kindness meditations. The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. - Mahatma Gandhi 43

46 Forgiveness in Different Religions POSTS BY NEXUSNOVEL 5 Most world religions include teachings on forgiveness, which provide guidance for the practice of forgiveness. Here are some examples of forgiveness understood from different traditions: BUDDHISM Forgiveness is a practice for removing unhealthy emotions that would otherwise cause harm to our mental well-being. Hatred leaves a lasting effect on our karma ( actions ) and forgiveness creates emotions with a wholesome effect. Buddhism questions the reality of passions that give rise to anger through meditation and insight. After examination, we realise that anger is only an impermanent emotion that we can fully experience and then release

47 The basic problem in Buddhist psychology is that emotions like anger and hatred are based on projections and ignorance, not on wisdom and awareness. The elimination of anger is a lengthy process, but through mindfulness, Buddhism is confident that an individual will realise anger is only temporal like many other mental states. Here are three Buddhist quotes on the folly of anger: Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else but you are the one who gets burned The Buddha You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger The Buddha It is natural for the immature to harm others. Getting angry with them is like resenting a fire for burning Shantideva SIKHISM Forgiveness is viewed as the remedy to anger. You forgive an offender when aroused by compassion. Compassion generates peace, tranquillity, humility and cooperation in human interactions. The act of forgiveness is considered a divine gift, not the work of human agency. Otherwise, pride would increase when we take personal credit, which would impede our spiritual progress. Anger is often considered the result of unfulfilled desire. If a person fulfils our desires and wants, we feel love for them, but when they impede our desires, anger can well up. The ego can easily feel slighted, embarrassed, belittled or in some other way be offended. As we learn to discipline our mind through meditation on the Word, our ego and anger naturally turn to compassion and forgiveness. Since anger and forgiveness are considered opposites, the human mind can only contain one of them at a given time. 45

48 Here are some verses from the Guru Granth Sahib, the Sikh scriptures, which capture the essence of forgiveness: To practise forgiveness is fasting, good conduct and contentment Guru Arjan Dev Where there is forgiveness, there God resides Kabir Dispelled is anger as forgiveness is grasped Guru Amar Das While Eastern religions take a more psychological view of forgiveness, Abrahamic religions share a distinctly moral view that varies from idealism of Christianity to relative pragmatism of Islam and Judaism: JUDAISM Ideally a person who has caused harm, needs to sincerely apologise, then the wronged person is religiously bound to forgive. However, even without an apology, forgiveness is considered a pious act. Teshuva (literally returning ) is a way of atoning, which requires cessation of harmful act, regret over act, confession and repentance. Yom Kippur is the Day of Atonement when Jews particularly strive to perform teshuva. Two relevant Jewish quotes on forgiveness: It is forbidden to be obdurate and not allow yourself to be appeased. On the contrary, one should be easily pacified and find it difficult to become angry. When asked by an offender for forgiveness, one should forgive with a sincere mind and a willing spirit Mishneh Torah, Teshuvah 2:10 Who takes vengeance or bears a grudge acts like one who, having cut one hand while handling a knife, avenges himself by stabbing the other hand Jerusalem Talmud, Nedarim

49 CHRISTIANITY In Christian teachings forgiveness of others plays an important role in spiritual life. The Lord s Prayer best exemplifies this attitude, notably in these words: And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us (Matthew 6:9-13). The final words uttered by Christ during his suffering reinforce the importance of forgiveness: Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do (Luke 23:34). We also find instruction to love your enemies and turn the other cheek (Matthew 5:9 and Luke 6:27-31). Another beautiful expression of forgiveness and understanding is St Francis of Assisi s prayer: Oh Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console. To be understood as to understand. To be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive. It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. ISLAM The word Islam is derived from the Semitic word salem meaning peace and forgiveness is a prerequisite for genuine peace. The Qur an makes some allowance for violence but only to defend faith, property or life. Still, forgiveness is held as the better course of action whenever possible: They avoid gross sins and vice, and when angered they forgive (Qur an 42:37). In terms of clemency, we find this passage: Although the just penalty for an injustice is an equivalent retribution, those who pardon and maintain righteousness are rewarded by God. He does not love the unjust (Qur an 42:40). 47

50 The Cycle of Forgiveness ESSAY FROM THE MEANINGFUL LIFE CENTER 6 Your birth is G-d saying that You Matter, that you have an indispensable contribution to make to the world. Since your contribution is essential, no problem can impede you from achieving the purpose for which you were created. G-d gives you the resources to overcome every pain and obstacle, to heal from every hurt or abuse. The ability to forgive is one of the resources that G-d has given you. But it is up to you to use it. Forgiveness in Hebrew is mechilah, which connects to the root of the word mochul, meaning a circle. Life is meant to be a circle encompassing all our experiences and relationships in one harmonious, seamless whole. When someone hurts us the circle is broken. Forgiveness is the way we mend the fracture

51 Forgiveness means not merely forgiving the person who hurt us, but forgiving ourselves, forgiving G-d, forgiving even life itself with all its bizarre and often cruel twists and turns. Forgiveness is letting go and building the confidence necessary to experience healthy and positive growth. It is declaring that you will no longer remain locked in the past as a victim of circumstances; that you will no longer perpetuate negative life-patterns through blame and anger; that you will instead access the strength and love that G-d gives you day by day, moment by moment in order to fulfil the unique and singular purpose for which you and only you were created. Forgiveness requires work. But, most importantly, it requires a connection to G-d, the Giver of life. When you remember that your birth is G-d s way of saying You Matter, that you are vital and important, irreplaceable and essential to the perfection of G-d s world, then you can rise above the pain others have caused you and find the love and strength to forgive both them and yourself. When you forgive, the circle is again complete and you find yourself encompassed by the whole of G-d s creation and feel yourself to be an integral part. When you forgive, you have taken control of your life, rather than being a victim of it. 49

52 The Ancient Heart of Forgiveness JACK KORNFIELD 7 On the train from Washington to Philadelphia, while on my way to my father s memorial funeral service, I sat down next to an interesting fellow who worked with young boys, particularly those in jail and prison, as part of an inner-city project in Washington, DC. He told me this story. A 14-year-old wanted to get into a gang. In order to prove himself, as an initiation rite, he shot this kid he didn t know. He was apprehended, brought to trial and convicted. Just before he is taken away in handcuffs, the mother of the boy who was shot stands up, looks him in the eye and says, I m going to kill you, and then sits down

53 After being in prison for a year or so, the boy is visited by that mother, and he s somewhat frightened. She says, I ve just got to talk with you. They have a little bit of conversation, and as she leaves him she says, Do you need anything? Cigarettes? and leaves him some money. She starts to visit him. She goes every few months, and over the course of three or four years, she starts visiting him more regularly, talking to him. When he s about to get out at the age of 17 or 18, she asks, What are you going to do? and he says, I have no idea. I got no family, no nothing. And she says, Well I ve got a friend who has a factory maybe I can help you get a job. So she arranges that with the parole officer. Then she asks, Where are you going to stay? and he says, I don t know where I m going to go. And she says, Well I have a spare room where you can stay with me. So he comes and stays in the spare room, takes this job and, after about six months, she says, Sit down, I really need to talk with you come into the living room. She looks at him and says, Remember that day in court when you were convicted of murdering my son for no reason at all, to get into your gang, and I stood up and said, I m going to kill you? Yes ma am, I ll never forget that day, he says. And she looks back and says, Well, I have. You see, I didn t want a boy who could kill in cold blood like that to continue to exist in this world. So I set about visiting you, bringing you presents, bringing you things and taking care of you. And now I let you come into my house and got you a job and a place to live because I don t have anybody anymore. My son is gone and he was the only person that I was living with. I set about changing you, and you re not that same person anymore. But I don t have anybody, and I want to know if you d stay here. I m in need of a son, and I want to know if I can adopt you. 51

54 And he said yes and she did. What is forgiveness? What is this human capacity for forgiveness? What is the human capacity for dignity no matter what the circumstances of life? Forgiveness is not just about the other. It s really for the beauty of your soul. It s for your own capacity to fulfil your life. Forgiveness is, in particular, the capacity to let go, to release the suffering, the sorrows, the burdens of the pains and betrayals of the past, and instead to choose the mystery of love. Forgiveness shifts us from the small separate sense of ourselves to a capacity to renew, to let go, to live in love. With forgiveness we are unwilling to attack or wish harm on anyone, including ourselves. And without forgiveness, life would be unbearable. It s hard to imagine a world without forgiveness, because we would be chained to the suffering of the past and have only to repeat it over and over again. There would be no release. It s not easy. Love and forgiveness is not for the faint-hearted, wrote [the Indian mystic] Meher Baba. But someone has to stand up and say, It stops with me. I will not pass on to my children this sorrow. Whether it s in Ireland or Israel, someone has to say, I will accept the betrayal and the suffering, and I will bear it, but I will not retaliate. I will not pass this on to the next generation and to endless generations of grandchildren. As Elie Wiesel, the Nobel Peace Prize Laureate, writes: Suffering confers neither privileges nor rights. It all depends on how you use it. If you use it to increase the anguish of yourself or others, you are degrading, even betraying it. Yet the day will come when we shall understand that suffering can also elevate human beings. God help us to bear our suffering well. 52

55 The principles of forgiveness There are twelve Buddhist principles connected with the process of forgiveness. One: Understand what forgiveness is and what it is not. It s not condoning, it s not a papering over, it s not for the other person, it s not sentimental. Two: Sense the suffering in yourself, of still holding onto this lack of forgiveness for yourself or for another. Start to feel that it s not compassionate, that it s not in your own best interest. So you actually sense the weight of not forgiving. Three: Reflect on the benefits of a loving heart. [Buddhist texts say]: People will welcome you everywhere when you are forgiving and loving. Your thoughts become pleasant. Four: Discover that it is not necessary to be loyal to your suffering. This is a big one. We focus on the trauma and the betrayal of what happened to me. OK, it was horrible. But is that what defines you? Live in joy, says the Buddha. Look at the Dalai Lama, who bears the weight of the oppression in Tibet and the loss of his culture, and yet he s also a very happy and joyful person. He says, They have taken so much. They have destroyed temples, burned our texts, disrobed our monks and nuns, limited our culture and destroyed it in so many ways. Why should I also let them take my joy and peace of mind? Five: Understand that forgiveness is a process. It s a training, layer by layer that is how the body and the psyche work. Six: Set your intention. There is a whole complex and profound teaching in Buddhist psychology about the power of both short-term and long-term intention. It sets the compass of your heart and your psyche. By having that 53

56 intention, you make obstacles become surmountable because you know where you are going, whether it is in business, a relationship, a love affair, a creative activity or in the work of the heart. Seven: Learn the inner and outer forms of forgiveness. There are meditation practices for the inner forms, but for the outer forms, there are also certain kinds of confessions and making amends. Eight: Start the easiest way, with whatever opens your heart. Think of the thing or person that you most love and can forgive. Then you bring in someone who is a little more difficult to forgive. Only when the heart is all the way open do you take on something difficult. Nine: Be willing to grieve. And grief, as Elisabeth Kübler-Ross has spelled out, consists of bargaining, loss, fear and anger. You have to be willing to go through this process in some honourable way, as I m sure Nelson Mandela did. Indeed, he has described how [before he could forgive his captors] he was outraged and angry and hurt and all the things that anyone would feel. So be willing to grieve, and then to let go. Ten: Forgiveness includes all the dimensions of our life. Forgiveness is work of the body. It s work of the emotions. It s work of the mind. And it s interpersonal work done through our relationships. Eleven: Forgiveness involves a shift of identity. There is in us an undying capacity for love and freedom that is untouched by what happens to you. To come back to this true nature is the work of forgiveness. Twelve: Forgiveness involves perspective. Life is so much bigger than our little stories. When we can open this perspective, we see it is not just your hurt, but the hurt of humanity. Everyone who loves is hurt in some way. The loss is not just your pain, it is the pain of being alive. Then you feel connected to everyone in this vastness. 54

57 Heritage Pages DORIS FRANK NEWS FROM JAFFA, JERUSALEM AND HAIFA The Drisco Hotel Jaffa I n the former German colony, now sometimes called American colony, or Amelikan, this hotel was previously known as the Hotel Jerusalem. After extensive restoration work, it recently opened its doors as the Drisco Hotel (2018), so named after the brothers John (*1834) and George Drisco (*1831). The name Hotel Jerusalem has confused many, as it was located in Jaffa (not in Jerusalem) and commonly known as the Hardegg Hotel in Templer circles. The Drisco brothers came to Jaffa in 1866 as part of the George Adams group (New England Church of the Messiah) from Maine, USA. The Adams group s attempts at settling in Palestine were unsuccessful, and most of 55

58 them returned to their home state of Maine eighteen months after having sold their pre-fabricated wooden houses to the German Templers settling in Jaffa. The Drisco brothers built a three-storey house the only one of stone in the settlement. In 1869, Immanuel Breisch ( ) purchased and operated it as a hotel on behalf of the Temple Society. After a year this house, together with its garden, was bought by Ernst Hardegg Snr ( ) for 31,700 francs. Three storeys high in front and only two at the back, it had nineteen rooms, complete with beds and furniture. Eventually, it was expanded to 57 rooms and occupied 1899 square metres. It flourished and served both pilgrims and dignitaries who came to visit Palestine. In his time, Mark Twain was a guest here, as was Thomas Cook, the travel agent, who seized the chance for a special deal with the hotel to accommodate his clients. The visitors book lists quite a number of prominent names. The Hotel Jerusalem, located on Auerbach Street, next to Baron von Ustinov s Hotel du Parc, became the first ever luxury hotel in Jaffa and was operated by the Hardegg family from 1870 until the outbreak of WW II. It is these decades of Hardegg ownership and control which formed the basis of its significance. This beautiful picture was found by Martin Higgins in the London War Museum in It was in the hotel s visitor book taken (but not returned) by the British during WW I. Martin was 56

59 able to scan a number of pages from the book for Shay Farkash, who was heavily involved in the restoration process. The Templer Inn Jerusalem This house was the Messerle family home until Although not previously an inn or a hotel, it is now called the Templer Inn and operated as a Bed and Breakfast by Alon Eran in Jerusalem. Christian Messerle ( ) died during internment in Wilhelma, and his surviving children (eleven of eighteen) ended up in either Germany or Australia. Messerle family home, Jerusalem Alon has researched the history of the house and the Messerle family extensively and was engaged in lively correspondence with the TGD and TSA Archives. At times he was even drawing parallels between his own and the Messerle families, such as his grandmother and Christian Messerle sharing the same birthday. You may have already seen pictures of his family 57

60 wall in the January 2018 edition of the Warte. A small group of TGD visitors called in while in Israel on Templer cemetery business in November last year. The Kaiser-Terrasse Haifa Eli Liran in Haifa has written a paper about The Kaiser-Terrasse on Haifa s Mt Carmel, which he would like to share with members of the Temple Society. He is a member of the Haifa Historical Society and researches events related to the history of Haifa, where his family founded the Mount Carmel Omnibus Transportation Line in The results of his research are presented in lectures, conferences and activities within the framework of the Haifa Historical Society. In the abstract to his paper, he says: Kaiser Wilhelm II s visit to the Holy Land in October 1898 was a landmark event in the life of the Haifa Templer community. The Kaiser s convoy stopped on its way from Mt Carmel to allow the Kaiser to view the German Colony in Haifa. After the Kaiser s visit, the Templers decided to commemorate the occasion and set up a monument at the site on Mt Carmel from where the Kaiser viewed the German colony. The place was designated to be a park called Kaiser-Terrasse, and was designed by Dr Gottlieb Schumacher in The Kaiser-Terrasse Park and its subsequent forms is the subject of Eli s article. Further details of its situation on Mt Carmel are: The 17-dunam (appr. 1.7ha) park was supposed to extend between Carmel Strasse and the northern slopes of Mt Carmel, with a path in the middle, an entrance plaza at the southern end, and a wide circular space at its northern end, which is the Kaiser Observation Point, where the monument was supposed to stand, and will be called the Kaiserplatz. 58

61 The area on which the park was planned (hereinafter: Plot 1) belonged to the German Vice Consul, Friedrich Keller, who in January 1901 donated the plot to the German Templer community of Haifa. The plot lies between the plot of Dr Schroeder, the German Consul, to the west, and the plot of Ernst Hardegg to the east. Should you wish to read it, the whole paper (KaiserTerrasse 3.pdf, 12 pages) is available from the TSA Archive, or by contacting Doris Frank. If anyone has pictures or memories of the Café Froeschle and surrounding area of that period, please contact us. SAFFURIYEH The town of Saffuriyeh In his youth, Werner Ehmann, as a former resident of the Templer settlement of Betlehem (Beit Lehem ha-glilit) and together with his cousin Ewald Wagner, rode on horseback to the old Crusader fortress at Saffuriyeh. 59