SHAME, GUILT AND REGRET AND RE-FRAMING THEM

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1 SHAME, GUILT AND REGRET AND RE-FRAMING THEM It feels important to say firstly that, for me at least, there are two types of guilt or shame. When we were young, many of us were parented in a way that allowed us to feel that what we did was not good enough, or even that we ourselves were not good enough, or smart enough, or were not in some way how our parents and others wanted us to be. This can lead to long-lasting shame and guilt, and tends to leave us with low self-esteem and feelings of low self-worth. If this is what interests you most, it is probably most helpful to see the section on self-esteem. Regret This section deals with the type of feelings we have when we have made a decision we regret, or said something we do not feel good about afterwards, or we have behaved in a way or done something that we feel ashamed about when we look back on it. Even though it may not be important in the grand scheme of our whole life, we find that we hang onto this event, and find ourselves revisiting it from time to time without wanting to. It is like having unwanted flashbacks, and they are uncomfortable or even painful. In this sense this is a different type of guilt or shame from that mentioned above, because it is something that we feel we should or ought to have done differently, or we feel we perhaps should have known better. In other words it is something for which we take responsibility. In this sense it is us, not living up to our own standards, whereas the example above was about not living up to someone else s standards or expectations. (Perhaps it is worth noting here that most of our values and beliefs come from our upbringing, and so our standards are often someone else s that have been part of our conditioning. However the point I am making is that in the first instance we feel we have let someone else down, and in the second, we feel we have not lived up to our own standards, regardless of where they came from originally. Guilt and shame tend to have very negative connotations for us normally, and this is usually because we have a feeling of responsibility, or that we are somehow to blame for something. Sometimes however this is not rational. Or to put it another way, we do something, perhaps with a good intent, and it goes wrong, or someone misunderstands our action or purpose, or perhaps there is a result which we did not foresee or expect. In this case we move to feeling guilty without much analysis, and we do not feel good. However in these circumstances, regret, is a much healthier option. We have not set out to damage or harm anyone, nor have we had any bad intent. We may have made a mistake, or failed to see the consequences of our actions. In this case we can feel sorry and we can say we are sorry, either as an apology, or as a way of saying we genuinely feel sorry about what happened. But we are not apologizing for the intent, as that needs no apology, and hence regret is a more appropriate response on our part. This is because it allows us to acknowledge to ourselves that it was an accidental result, and we are not to blame for setting out to cause harm on purpose. In this case it is important to differentiate between the actual action and the intent. Before continuing with this idea, it is appropriate here to say a few words about apologies.

2 Apologies It is perhaps a good opportunity here to discuss apologies, because many people have trouble with apologies. What I mean by this is, we find ourselves in a position where we are in the wrong, and we find ourselves mumbling excuses, rather than accepting responsibility and saying we are sorry. Why do we do this? One reason for this is that in many families, as we are growing up we do not see disputes being resolved, or people achieving resolution after an argument. Also when someone does have the good grace to apologise, often the other person involved sees this as admittance by this individual that they were wrong or have changed their mind, and they launch another attack with the intent of winning the original argument. If this is our experience growing up, it is no wonder we are reluctant to apologise. Why would we voluntarily open ourselves up to such an attack? Also there is a difference between finding out we were wrong in an argument and saying we are sorry we were wrong, and having an argument in which the other person feels upset, and saying we are sorry they felt upset. There are two distinctly different issues here. One is a change of position and recognition of error, or being mistaken, and the other is showing concern about someone else s feelings and how they reacted to the argument. Whether we have changed our mind about how we feel, or even if we are maintaining our position in an argument, we may still wish to express our concern about how the other person felt if they became upset. It is important to remember however that we are not responsible for the feelings of another. I am responsible for my own feelings, and no one else is responsible for my feelings. If my children misbehave, I can be angry or I can laugh. So who decides what I do? Well I do, of course. So the next question is. Is this decision a conscious one? Well partly it is and partly it is not. I am affected by a whole range of issues such as, how well did I sleep last night, or am I tired? Have I had a stressful day? What else is going on in my life that concerns me? Did my sons do something to endanger themselves, and was I afraid for them? All these things affect my reaction, in addition to my consciously deciding what reaction is appropriate. If I am being rational, I will think about what my goal is in talking with them and how best to achieve that, but as parents, we often simply respond with our reaction to what has happened. However, whatever else is going on, I am still responsible for my own behaviour and my emotional reaction, and no one else is. I cannot say: You made me feel like this. I could, but it would not be honest. I could say more accurately: When you did this, I felt this way. This is me owning my own reaction. (Clearly the closer we are to another person the more their words and behaviour can impact our lives and how we feel, but only we are each responsible for how we feel in any moment and situation). So if we argue with someone and they become upset, it is important to recognise it is their upset, and it is appropriate to say we feel sorry that they feel upset, but we are not saying I am sorry I upset you. We are not taking responsibility for their feelings. We may say: I am sorry you felt upset when we argued. Also we are not in this situation changing our view or position in the argument. If this is a new or strange idea for you, or you would like to know more about this, have a look at the article on Codependence.

3 One final point on apologies is the question of what to do if we recognise that we would like to apologise, but we don t want to, because the other person will see it as an opportunity to win the argument. As with all communication it is important to establish your goal. What are you seeking to achieve with the conversation? If you are trying to smooth things out so you can continue a harmonious life under the same roof, then how much the other person understands about your intent may not be important. So you may choose to say; I am sorry you were upset in our argument. At this the other person may mistakenly think you are stepping down from your position. Is this important to you? If it is, you may choose to say that you are not agreeing with their position, but agreeing to differ, and that is fine, you do not have to agree, but that you are sorry they felt so upset. Either way the key to success is preparation. Think through what is likely to happen so that you are ready for it. If you know that your apology will be met by a personal attack, recognise that that will happen, and be prepared for it. If you are, you will make your apology, and then wait calmly for the attack. When it comes you will not be in it and get caught up, but because you are expecting it, you will think calmly to yourself, and maybe a little smugly Ah yes. This is just what I expected. Do not engage in the argument, but just let the other person continue until they are finished. Then when they have, allow a slight pause and then you can say I have decided not to continue arguing about this, as I can see we do not agree. I came in today to say I am sorry you were upset, and I have done that, so I feel okay. You are obviously allowed to react to that however you wish. If you want to make it stronger you could say I am disappointed you want to continue this argument, but I do not see anything will be gained by that, so I have decided not to do that. The important thing is not to let yourself be drawn into another argument, or a continuation of the first, and the secret of that is to expect and be ready for their reaction, and to observe the conversation you are having rather than being in it. This may sound a strange idea, but as we know all animals are aware. All animals are aware of who is around them, of their surroundings, and so on. But humans are aware that they are aware. So what does this mean? In practice in means we can have a conversation with someone, and hear and observe it at the same time as being in it. We can have thoughts and feelings, and we can observe ourselves having them. We can watch our own reactions to other people, what they do, and external events. This is a wonderful tool for us. If we practice this, we can begin to see our own reaction to situations, other people and their emotions, and we can see how we react and feel. This is the quickest route to personal growth on the planet. It can also stop us getting drawn into pointless arguments and the games that other people are playing to manipulate us. If you are interested in reading more about this, go to the article on personal growth. To do this easily, click on this link. Shame and Guilt There is another way of looking at these two emotions, which shows that they are really quite positive, because of what they signify. In other words they are only negative if we fail to see what they mean. If we grasp their meaning, we can see them as positive, let go of the negative action or event, and move on. So let s have a look at how this works.

4 Shame and guilt are often seen as negative emotions because we become stuck at the point where we experience them. In other words we think of a way in which we have behaved in the past and we feel ashamed of our behaviour. However this shows that we do not understand the role of guilt and shame. They are to show us that we have evolved and grown in our awareness and consciousness. So how do they do that? Sometimes clients say to me, in my life I just go round in circles, repeating the same old patterns. I do not agree with that because every single day we have new experiences and change our perception of the world in small ways that we do not ourselves perceive, because it is a slow and very gradual process. So rather than a circle, I prefer to see life more like a spiral. Imagine climbing a tall spiral staircase. At the bottom you look around you and see your surroundings from the point of view of someone in them, because you are in them. As you climb the staircase, you see in different directions, until you come to the place on the staircase which is immediately above the first step. As you look down you see those same surroundings, but you are no longer in them, you see a more elevated view, so your context has changed and you have a better perspective. If you continue on up, you will again reach this place over the first step, but your view will once more have changed, and once again with it, your context and perspective have changed. For me life is more like this. We do find ourselves in similar situations, but our experience is greater, our context and perspective have changed and so we can evolve over time different responses. So how is this connected to shame and guilt? Think back of a situation in the past in which you wish you had behaved differently. Think about the circumstances and more importantly the feelings and reasoning that led you to behave the way you did. Now consider that if you feel ashamed of the way you chose to behave, ask yourself, would I do the same again now? If the answer is yes then think of the reasons why, and ask yourself why you feel guilty or ashamed. However if the answer is a resounding no, I would not behave like that now, then recognise that you have grown. You have evolved and changed the level of awareness with which you are judging this situation. This means you have grown or learnt something from it. Recognise that this is the purpose of such feelings. The guilt or shame is to show us that we would do it differently now. Whatever it is. This means that we have changed our perception of the situation, and that has led us to change the way we would respond. This is positive. This is growth. This shame or guilt has led us to see we have changed, and we can be thankful, and we can let go of this memory now because it has served its purpose. We are not supposed to hang on to shame and guilt as a penance for past wrongs. That is not their purpose and if we do they become toxic and poison our lives. They stop us moving forward. Their role is to show us our own evolution and allow, and encourage us, to move on. As a final note on this, if as a result of reconsidering a past event, we decide we wish to apologise to someone, then it may be helpful to revisit the section on apologies, and plan your approach. Remember also that you are doing this for you. You are not apologizing so that the aggrieved person will like you or forgive you. That would be setting yourself up. You are apologising because you believe it is the noble or gracious or humble or right thing to do. It is because you feel you would like to, and would feel better having done it. It is important to remember that the person receiving the apology may have any number of reactions. They may forgive you, and they may not. They may reopen an argument with you, or they may criticise you, your behaviour, or the time taken to come and apologise. They are allowed to have their reaction, and it is important not to

5 engage in any negative argument. Your intent is to apologise, so stick with that, and if they are able to accept it they will, and if they cannot they will not. It is their reaction and not your responsibility. You are simply doing what you believe is right for you. Again this concept of responsibility and not reacting to the reactions of others may be new or confusing to you. If this is so, and you would like to know more, you might like to read the article on codependence.