The Bull and the Leopard: Teacher Authority and Student Personal Space

Transcription

1 Chapter 1 The Bull and the Leopard: Teacher Authority and Student Personal Space Joyce Lixiang ONG Want to cane me, cane now! Stop wasting my time! I want to go back to class for lessons! said Ryan to the Principal rudely. This was his fourth session in the Principal s office. Sitting in the Principal s office with his fists clenched, Ryan appeared to be agitated and tired. Ryan s parents and aunt arrived in the school once again because of his discipline case. It was clear that Ryan s parents and aunt wanted to end the emotional misery for their son/nephew. Sitting beside Ryan, I felt helpless. I looked at him. In my eyes, he had not changed much since I first knew him in Secondary Two. Flashbacks of past years encounters began to blur my eyes. The Bull Ryan was a Secondary Four Express student who had a reputation for being rude towards teachers whom he disrespected. Two days ago, he had gotten himself into trouble again by being openly 9

2 10 J. L. Ong defiant towards a National Institute of Education (NIE) trainee who had relieved his class during Physics lessons. Recalling the time when he was in Secondary One, I had heard many instances of him behaving rudely towards his subject teachers, often causing them to complain about him in the staffroom. Every time his name was mentioned, groups of teachers would either exclaim That Ryan again! or shake their heads and sigh aloud. Many colleagues who had taught Ryan would have rather not taught him if they had a choice. Some kept minimal contact with him, for fear of getting into disputes or anger management issues. Most of the teachers were convinced that this boy was prone to getting himself into discipline cases and had a big anger management problem. He was also labelled the bull, someone who was not only stubborn but also considered a handful, by some of the teachers. My Fears Ryan was banded into the strongest Secondary Two Chinese Language class because of his proficiency in the Chinese language, and I became his Chinese Language teacher. Having heard so much about him from the other teachers in the staffroom, I was apprehensive about teaching him at first. As a beginning teacher, I was scared. I feared that I would be incapable and not equipped with the classroom management strategies needed to deal with him! On the first day of lessons, although I specifically told myself not to be unduly worried, I still could not help feeling a sense of uncertainty about teaching this boy. As I walked along the corridor towards the classroom, ideas and strategies of how to avoid and manage confrontation, disputes, and upfront defiance crossed my mind. Till today, I still remember his nonchalant face as he sat in the front row of the class, getting ready for lessons to begin. The coldness and awkward meeting made me feel uneasy. Throughout that first lesson, he stared at me with a blank face, as if he was analysing and reading my words, sentences and actions. I felt uneasy. I felt like I was being monitored and scrutinised closely. I did not enjoy my lessons with this class. In fact, I dreaded going into class and I often

3 The Bull and the Leopard: Teacher Authority and Student Personal Space 11 asked myself, Why am I so unlucky to have to teach this class? Each time the bell rang for class dismissal, I felt a great sense of relief. Slowly, it dawned on me that I should not be overly worried about his presence in class. I had to look into the needs of the other students as well. Being affected by Ryan s cold stares would only cause me to lose focus in my teaching and adversely impact the other students learning. Subsequently, I learnt to look at his cold face with an open mind. I began to enjoy my lessons. Look Beyond It did not take me long to realise that Ryan was in fact a bright boy who had so much potential academically. In class, I observed that he was always the first student to finish the assignments and the tasks I assigned, after which he would take the initiative to complete other work given by his subject teachers. Although I was walking around the classroom, checking and answering questions posed by other students, I was often curious about what he was doing. Occasionally, he would also tutor his classmates when they had doubts. Our very first conversation started two weeks into the semester. I recall him finishing his work earlier than the rest, and working on a mathematics question on algebra. He looked frustrated after a while. I walked over, wanting to find out what was actually wrong, for fear that it might balloon into an anger management issue. I spotted a careless mistake that he had made but I was hesitant to point it out to him immediately. I merely asked him to redo that particular question. Eventually, that indirectly allowed him to spot his own mistake and solve the mathematics question. And to my pleasant surprise, he actually looked up and said, Thank you! with a boyish smile. Instantly, I felt good. I sensed the goodness in him. Somehow, I felt he was different from what the teachers had made him out to be. Subsequently, Ryan and I started engaging in small conversations in class while waiting for the other students to finish their assignments. Every chitchat session with him was enjoyable and I got to see him in a different light. As he rattled on about being an

4 12 J. L. Ong entrepreneur or a businessman when he grew up, his eyes lit with such great hope and drive! He was in fact a teenager with his own thoughts and ideals. Concerned Colleagues It was interesting how some teachers who had issues with Ryan would drop by my desk to check if he was already creating any problems in my class. Initially, I thought it was nice of them to be concerned and perhaps they had some good advice to offer, but I slowly realised that they were not genuine about it. Whenever I heard teachers complaining about him, I would go forward and share my good experiences with them, suggesting to them to give him more time to change. These teachers stared at me in disbelief when they heard me speaking up for him. It was as if I was spouting nonsense. Some even mentioned I had not seen his true colours and there would come a time where I would complain about him to them. I was dumbfounded. I knew at once I had to move myself away from these colleagues. I had to battle forward alone, and I felt a growing sense of ownership and responsibility for Ryan. I wanted to shield him from all this prejudice. Shelter of Refuge (For Both Teachers and Student) When Ryan got into trouble, I would call him the next day to find out his side of the story and try to rationalise with him about the possible consequences for his actions. As a result, Ryan often looked to me for advice and help whenever he had issues with his teachers. Soon, word spread across the staffroom that I was the one to look for whenever there were matters pertaining to Ryan. Some colleagues looked surprised when they heard that. I was, after all, neither his form teacher nor his co-form teacher. Some were simply glad there was someone to handle their cases. Others questioned why I even bothered for such a student. I knew that explaining myself to them was fruitless, so I chose to smile it off; but in my heart, I exclaimed, If you do not care, allow me to take care of Ryan!

5 The Bull and the Leopard: Teacher Authority and Student Personal Space 13 Foundation of Trust In the following year, Ryan was again banded into the strongest class for Chinese Language. I, on the other hand, was no longer teaching that band. My new class consisted of students who had a much lower proficiency level as compared to Ryan. His aunt, whom I had also heard much about previously, called my then Subject Head to request for either a change of teacher for the strongest band or the possibility of transferring Ryan into my Chinese Language class. To be honest, it came to me as a surprise and I was truly flattered by her actions. It was also a huge sense of relief for the other teacher (teaching the strongest band) who had sighed at the first instance when she thought she would be Ryan s teacher for the year. I gladly agreed to the arrangement of having him transferred to my class, but nonetheless, I was also worried that this might affect his progress in the language. Ryan was in high spirits when he stepped into my class. I had a chat with him after class to convey my concerns. Don t worry, I will make sure I improve even further! he said brimming with full confidence. At that moment, I was speechless. I did not really know how to react to this boy s firm belief in himself. I thought to myself, Here I have a student who has so much belief in himself and in me. And yet, as a teacher, I have doubts about my own capacity and will to help him scale greater heights in the language. Even till today, that conversation keeps me motivated. I want to be the best teacher I can be for my students. Trusting myself and believing in my students empowers me to contribute more to their learning. The Agony of being Aunt Agony In Secondary Three, Ryan continued to be involved in minor discipline cases and I became his and other teachers shelter of refuge. After class, teachers would come to me and complain about Ryan. They indirectly asked me to punish him on their behalf or hoped to

6 14 J. L. Ong ruin the good relationship I had with Ryan. Some pressed me for answers and solutions to their problems. I felt myself suffocating under their eagle eyes. On the other hand, Ryan would come to me for time-out sessions, where I would hear his frustrations about how teachers were impatient and insensitive towards his feelings. Every word from him sounded so real, with no intent of pretence. Often I found myself asking Was it a time-out session for Ryan or a welcome relief for me to catch a breather from the tense atmosphere in the staffroom? Needless to say, I was constantly entangled between some of the teachers and Ryan. I had to double up as Aunt Agony for both parties, providing suggestions and making sure that the relationship between them would not be strained. It was frustrating for me. I had to be politically right to my colleagues, and at the same time be a nurturing and understanding figure to Ryan. I felt as if I had a split personality! I became frustrated at myself for being useless, for being unable to pacify both parties, for getting myself involved in their problems. I often questioned, Why did I get myself into this? Why didn t I choose to just teach like everyone else? It took some time before I felt that my commitment to Ryan became worthwhile when I noticed that Ryan and his teachers began to view their problems from different perspectives. I had made that happen for them! In the process, though frustrating, the experience had moulded me into a more understanding and patient teacher. I realised that everyone learns in his or her own time some are faster than others, and we should never give up. Giving up is never an option for us. Can a Leopard Change its Spots? When Ryan progressed to Secondary Four, teachers seldom complained about him. I figured he had either matured over the years or was simply tired of getting himself into constant trouble. I still recall asking him jokingly after one lesson, What happened to you? What happened to all the nonsense you often got yourself into for the past years? And to my amazement, this boy

7 The Bull and the Leopard: Teacher Authority and Student Personal Space 15 replied with a shy smile, No lah, ma am. This year is my O -Level year leh Must study hard. Cannot get into trouble like previous years lah. I laughed at his innocent response but was pleased with his truthful answer. When he walked past me and headed towards the canteen for his recess, I was still thinking about that short casual conversation. I then realised that this boy, whom I had known since Secondary Two, had matured over the years. While many teachers figured that it would not be long before Ryan got himself into trouble again, I remained optimistic that he had truly changed for the better. However, the peace was short-lived. Just as some subject teachers started singing praises about how focussed he was in preparing for the O -Levels, I received news one morning that a student named Ryan had gotten himself into serious trouble with a trainee teacher from NIE. My heart sank. I asked, Which Ryan? Ryan from Class 4G? The answer broke me. In the staffroom, teachers were talking and discussing about the incident loudly with one another. Soon, everyone had heard about it in many different variations. I was standing, in the midst of them all, observing and listening to the different variations and assumptions made. I could hear my heart beating faster and my mind asking only one question, What exactly happened? I knew that I had to hear from him. I walked briskly out of the staffroom, wanting to find him for clarification, hoping he would tell me that all I had heard were rumours and that none of that had happened. I found him in his class and requested to talk to him. He was not surprised to see me. In fact, he knew I would come and look for him. I looked at him and asked in a low tone, Tell me exactly what happened. He let out a sigh and went on to narrate, Today we had our Physics test. Our Physics teacher did not come. An NIE teacher came in instead. I finished my test, and it was two more minutes to the end of paper. While waiting, I took out my small mirror to check myself. The teacher came forward and snatched my mirror away without any warning. I stood up and asked him to return my mirror.

8 16 J. L. Ong He refused and accused me of wanting to use the mirror to cheat on the test. At this point, Ryan had his fists clenched. He continued the rest of his story in an agitated manner. I defended myself and explained why I was using the mirror but he did not accept my explanation at all. I shouted, Teacher, so what? That does not mean you can simply snatch away my things. He still refused to return my mirror and rebutted What can you do about it? Than he walked away. Out of anger, I went forward and spat on his shoes. My classmates came forward and pulled me back to my seat for fear I would get into a fight with the teacher. After hearing him out, I rationalised with Ryan and laid out the implications and consequences for using a mirror during a test, and asked if the whole incident could have been avoided. Ryan admitted that it was wrong and stupid of him to use the mirror before the end of the test. At this point, I thought to myself, My chance has come. Now that he admitted it was his fault, persuade him to apologise to the teacher. Following my plan, I went on to persuade Ryan to apologise to the teacher for being disrespectful. But he refused! He was insistent that it was the teacher who had provoked him by not returning his mirror and had challenged him. Standing firm in his belief that the teacher should not have simply snatched his mirror away without his permission, he said in an angry tone, Why should I apologise to him? He is a teacher, so what? He did not respect me first! By then, his face had already turned red. I tried explaining to him repeatedly that there was no need to flare up into a rage over this matter. Ryan remained adamant. This was the first time I felt helpless handling him. It seemed that nothing I said could change his mind. There was absolutely no way in getting this boy to apologise to the teacher. It was obvious that our conversation was going in circles. We were getting nowhere. Visibly tired and disappointed, I asked him, Why are you so stubborn? Why can t you just apologise? He remained silent. I walked away. I walked straight into the nearest toilet. I needed a quiet place to think; I needed to be away from everyone. I felt helpless. I could

9 The Bull and the Leopard: Teacher Authority and Student Personal Space 17 feel my face burning and my sight blurring. My mind was frantically searching for the answers needed. I did not know how else to help him. All I knew was that he stood a high chance of being suspended or caned. And all the teachers in the staffroom would probably laugh their heads off and drown me in their sarcasm. I could imagine them saying, Ryan will never change! A leopard can never change its spots! Give up! Ultimately, I regained my composure and decided to approach the trainee teacher to hear his side of the story, hoping to find a way to solve the case amicably. The NIE trainee looked surprised to see me and was a bit puzzled about my interest in the case. As he narrated his side of the story, I could not help but disagree with the way he had dealt with the situation. But I did not speak a word. I thanked him for sharing. Before walking off, I took another look at the trainee and wondered, How would he have felt if the roles had been switched? Now, I was more convinced that Ryan was not entirely to be blamed for the whole incident. It was an intrusion of personal space and he had the rights to flare up to defend himself. I finally understood why he was so reluctant to apologise to the teacher. If it were me, I might not apologise as well. It was frustrating to me because the teacher was also wrong but he was let off because he was merely disciplining the student. On the other hand, the poor child had his mirror snatched away from him, provoked, and was left to defend himself. As a teacher myself, I could not openly stand on Ryan s side. I had the obligation to uphold values and support my own colleagues. I needed to be politically right. I felt small in comparison to Ryan s bravery in standing up to his beliefs. The thought of escaping from the case crossed my mind. Perhaps being ignorant (not getting involved) would make me a happier person? I did not know. Long Tussle It was an emotionally stressful week for Ryan, his parents, his aunt and myself. My Principal was kind enough to grant me two days to persuade Ryan to apologise for his actions. I was optimistic about

10 18 J. L. Ong the task at first. I tried speaking to Ryan repeatedly, persuading him to consider apologising for his actions (and not to the teacher) so that the case could be closed as soon as possible. But time after time, I was disappointed. However, I was also aware that every disappointment I felt at the end of each conversation magnified Ryan s strong beliefs, which he held so dearly to himself. Sighing in resignation, I went to the Principal s office, and handed the case back to the Principal. Ryan s aunt and parents thanked me for my time and patience. I smiled out of courtesy. There was no sense of relief. My heart was heavy. In the end, Ryan was still adamant about not apologising to the teacher. He was later given the choice of either to be caned or home suspended. Even when Ryan chose to be caned, he made a commotion in the Principal s office. I will never forget his words just before the caning was administered in the Principal s office. Want to cane me, cane now! Stop wasting my time! I want to go back to class for lessons! The door closed. And three strokes of the cane were heard shortly after. In my heart, I applaud Ryan for standing firm in his beliefs and I say this with mixed feelings. To be frank, in his case, setting aside his anger management problems, were his principles misplaced? Did I do the right thing in getting him to apologise for his actions (but not to the trainee teacher)? Constantly, I find myself seeing teachers using their authoritative power to legitimately step into students personal space without permission. For Ryan, I say with conviction, I did my best for him. From him, not only have I learnt to see things from the students perspectives, but also find myself frequently challenging and questioning my personal values and beliefs. Moving on to my fourth year of teaching, I am now certainly more confident when handling students, more mature in my thoughts and more careful with my words. Frankly, I await the next Ryan-like student to come my way. And I want to be that positive figure in his or her life. Students today yearn to be heard. They wish to be understood. And they are crying out for the need to be respected silently!