Life Hacks How to avoid manipulation Matt. 22:15-22

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1 Life Hacks How to avoid manipulation Matt. 22:15-22 T.Yacomeni 19 th February 2017 Today is the penultimate in our sermon series Life Hacks. It s been a fascinating series hasn t it? We ve discussed all sorts of things over the last few weeks including money, sex, work, social media, overcoming rejection, not to mention lots of top tips including how to remove stains with milk and how to using your cling film correctly(!). But as we ve look deeper we find that the Bible has plenty of wisdom and advice about the actual challenges that face us on a daily basis in the 21 st century. Last week John Lewindon spoke about dealing with shame and this week I want to look at a problem which can affect us all at different times of our lives and that is how to deal with manipulative behaviour. 20 years ago when Mims and I were first married we started getting involved in the leadership of Trinity Church in Cheltenham. It was a really exciting time of growth as the Alpha Course was just exploding round the world, there was a spirit of revival in the air because of the Toronto blessing and there was also a renewed interest in the Holy Spirit and worship overflowing from the Vineyard movement in the UK. Our vicar Mark Bailey was doing a great job of encouraging growth and bringing much needed change to the services and structures of the church locally. But I will always remember one particular day when a lady from the congregation came up to Mark whilst we were chatting after the morning service and barked Listen, if you carry on like this, you ll soon discover who pays the bills round here! Mark remained calm and I m sure he put it more graciously than this, but his reply was fairly short and to the point: The Lord will provide... so Goodbye! Well the Church did continue to grow, the finances were fine and we saw many people come to know the Lord. But manipulative behaviour is as old as humanity itself. The Serpent in the garden of Eden didn t simply say to Eve: Go on, defy God and eat the apple so that I can dominate you!, instead he manipulated Eve s thinking by speaking half truths and raising doubts about God s trustworthiness until she capitulated and ate the forbidden fruit. Down the centuries people have coerced, tricked and manipulated one another in order to get their own way. Apparently Hitler insisted on holding his negotiations with Neville Chamberlain in a Castle that did not allow smoking so that Chamberlain s will power would break down once he started craving nicotine. It s likely that Kim Jong Un s half brother Kim Jong-Nam was poisoned earlier this week in Malaysia because he was somewhat critical of the dictator s leadership regime and the lack of free speech in North Korea. In our own country this week people have publicised, scrutinised and criticised every word and phrase spoken at the Church of England s debate on sexuality at general Synod. What a tough job it must be to be Archbishop in today s climate. I pray a lot for Justin Welby and for wisdom to handle the media as he does his best to avoid creating unnecessary controversy. Because there are those who would love to trap him with his own words just as the Pharisees and Chief Priests wanted to trap Jesus in his day. Today we are going to read a classic story of just such an occasion when Jesus was faced with people saying one thing and meaning another. It was over the question of paying taxes from Matthew 22: Like Hacks - Avoiding Maipulation - TY /02/17

Matthew 22: Paying Taxes to Caesar 15 Then the Pharisees went out and laid plans to trap him in his words. 16 They sent their disciples to him along with the Herodians.

2 Matthew 22: Paying Taxes to Caesar 15 Then the Pharisees went out and laid plans to trap him in his words. 16 They sent their disciples to him along with the Herodians. "Teacher," they said, "we know you are a man of integrity and that you teach the way of God in accordance with the truth. You aren't swayed by men, because you pay no attention to who they are. 17 Tell us then, what is your opinion? Is it right to pay taxes to Caesar or not?" 18 But Jesus, knowing their evil intent, said, "You hypocrites, why are you trying to trap me? 19 Show me the coin used for paying the tax." They brought him a denarius, 20 and he asked them, "Whose portrait is this? And whose inscription?" 21 "Caesar's," they replied. Then he said to them, "Give to Caesar what is Caesar's, and to God what is God's." 22 When they heard this, they were amazed. So they left him and went away. In a week where we have seen the US national security adviser Mike Flynn forced to resign because his words were proved to be misleading, history shows us that a wrong word spoken at the wrong time can have devastating consequences. The Pharisees knew this and they were out to force Jesus into a corner by questioning him over the most divisive political issue of the time. Jerusalem was an occupied city under the domination of the Romans and the Jewish people were forced to pay taxes to Caesar. If Jesus said it was wrong to pay taxes, he could be executed by the Romans for sedition. If he said it was right, he would be rejected by the people for siding with the occupying regime. It was like handing him a live grenade and asking which hand he would rather hold it in. Why did the Pharisees want to trap Jesus? Because he challenged the system, their religious way of life and their established power structures. At this point in the story the crowds loved Jesus and since he never overtly challenged the Roman occupiers, the Pharisees had resort to devious manipulation in order to try to get Jesus to put his foot in it. Really a lot of human behaviour is about control. Control of our circumstances, control of our future and control of external threats or challenges. From a very young age we learn to manipulate people in order to control them. But the way Jesus dealt with it is a Master class in how to avoid manipulation. First verse 18 says that Jesus knew their intent. So the first thing we need to do to avoid manipulation is to be aware what is going on and to recognise it for what it is- sometimes it s pretty easy to recognise just watch this clip from the comedy series Rev. Like Hacks - Avoiding Maipulation - TY /02/17

helping. Some manipulative behaviour might be obvious yet we can still be drawn in because we feel sorry for a person and want to rescue them, when actually we might be perpetuating the situation.

that I woke up to the fact that my so-called help was more about easing my conscience than about really One thing that has really helped me understand and recognise some manipulative behaviours more

It s called the drama triangle and was developed by Stephen Karpman in the 60s and it maps the type of destructive behaviours that can occur between people in conflict.

3 helping. Some manipulative behaviour might be obvious yet we can still be drawn in because we feel sorry for a person and want to rescue them, when actually we might be perpetuating the situation. There was a time when I gave an addict money regularly if he asked for it because I wanted to help him. It was only when someone told me directly Stop doing that Tom You re killing him! that I woke up to the fact that my so-called help was more about easing my conscience than about really One thing that has really helped me understand and recognise some manipulative behaviours more clearly is some teaching I received from Western Counselling, an addiction recovery centre that works closely with St Paul s and the Lighthouse at Weston charity. It s called the drama triangle and was developed by Stephen Karpman in the 60s and it maps the type of destructive behaviours that can occur between people in conflict. The drama triangle is brilliant because it maps some of the psychological games that people often play unconsciously. At its roots are dysfunctional patterns of behavior learnt in childhood as well as influences from our culture and society. All of us can end up slipping into these roles, particularly when we are under pressure or feel threatened. So in our clip Mick was playing the Victim, claiming that his mum was in hospital or that his car had run out of fuel, just so he could get some money. Then when he was told he couldn t have any money Mick switched into persecutor saying You ve got to! There s a sign on the house saying you will! Persecutors are aggressive and try to actively force or bully the situation. Then there is the rescuer who feels guilty and will do anything to keep the peace but actually can keep the cycle going, forming an unhealthy co-dependency. The interesting thing is that people can change from one role to another without realising it and you wonder why you end up feeling emotionally drained. Jennifer Le Claire posted a helpful list of 9 sure signs you are being emotionally manipulated: Often these are symptoms of being drawn into the drama triangle. So what did Jesus do after he became aware of the Pharisee s trick question? Like Hacks - Avoiding Maipulation - TY /02/17

Well as well as questioning their motives, Jesus strategy was to sidestep and not be drawn into the trap. He asked for a coin and got the manipulators to focus on it rather than him.

Caesar s they replied knowing that Caesar referred to himself as Son of God and Priest most high something any orthodox Jew would find abhorrent.

4 Well as well as questioning their motives, Jesus strategy was to sidestep and not be drawn into the trap. He asked for a coin and got the manipulators to focus on it rather than him. He drew their gaze away from the game and asked them to focus on something else instead. Who s image is it on the coin? Caesar s they replied knowing that Caesar referred to himself as Son of God and Priest most high something any orthodox Jew would find abhorrent. Whilst Jesus clearly didn t keep the coins himself, he showed that he was culturally aware but nevertheless refused to play their game. But then came Jesus masterstroke: so Give to Caesar what is Caesar's, and to God what is God's. He answered their question with a smarter question, forcing the manipulators to think for themselves: What is rightly Ceasar s and what is rightly God s? In other words he batted the question back to them for them to wrestle with according to their conscience framed by a different paradigm or way of thinking. Everything belongs to God, but within his Kingdom, we have to respect the rule of Law too. It s a tension another issue to wrestle with as a disciple and a student of Jesus. Often life as a follower of Jesus involves living with tension. It cannot simply be Either Or, black or white. Sometimes the best theological answer is a Both-And. After the verdict at the general Synod debate this week on human sexuality is it possible for the Church of England to hold together under the increasing tension between Biblical orthodoxy and pastoral inclusivity? It s difficult but I do know that with God all things are possible. Jesus wouldn t allow himself to be manipulated into a corner by challenging the Pharisees with a new question. In the same way, instead of the toxic behaviours of the drama triangle, it is possible to respond with an alternative approach. Paddy Beresford and I did a seminar together at New Wine a few years ago and he outlined some ways we can escape the drama triangle: To avoid manipulative behaviour we can instead challenge, enable and inspire creativity. Instead of being based on guilt, healthy relationships require behaviour based on love and patience. Like Hacks - Avoiding Maipulation - TY /02/17

5 Perhaps the easiest role to adapt is that of persecutor. Instead of getting angry and trying to control through domination, we can instead challenge, suggest and motivate. When a Samaritan village rejected Jesus, the disciples James and John said shall we call down fire from heaven to destroy them? but Jesus rebuked them. Instead of domination and persecution, our job is to challenge and inspire change. It starts with challenging ourselves about the way we reject, punish, or persecute others, and acknowledging we may have even damaged them through using a loud voice, angry stare and cold shoulder. It means giving up the need to always be right, self-righteous and superior to others. Catch and interrupt yourself when you increase the volume to get your way. When others disagree with you, ask yourself, Am I really being threatened or is it just a difference of opinion? Monitor anger and take time-out by walking away before you become verbally or physically abusive. Apologize to those you have harmed. Now where a victim has genuinely experienced abuse or trauma, then of course they will need help and this must be taken seriously. People can feel frightened to ask for help or even describe what has happened. In that case do ask for help because it is important to address and release traumatic memories. But when we find we play the role of victim in order to get what we want, we are actually using guilt to draw others into the drama triangle. Instead we need to stop expecting other people to solve every problem for, but rather to take responsibility for their feelings, thoughts and actions. It can mean listening to ourselves and the sort of phrases we are using. Think for yourself. Be creative in your thoughts and actions Learn to handle confrontation and deal with other people s anger. Challenge those beliefs or thoughts that say you are unworthy and can t take care of yourself. Start nurturing yourself, to bolster your ability to take care of your own needs. Surround yourself with new, positive friends and define yourself as an independent person who can handle life s problems. The rescuer needs to become an enabler or a coach rather than basing self-esteem on helping others or controlling situations. A good question to ask is am I really helping this person or just trying to ease my conscience? What can I do to enable the victim to help themselves? Address your own problems, shortcomings and negative emotions instead of focusing on other peoples. Set limits and boundaries about solving other s problems. Refuse to let guilt and manipulation to pull you into the Drama Triangle. In recovery circles, the Serenity prayer has been said as a way into helpful reflection about what God is actually calling us to do and how he wants us to respond to a situation. Like Hacks - Avoiding Maipulation - TY /02/17

6 God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. Jesus challenged his persecutors, leaving them amazed at his answer. He refused to be drawn into their manipulative games. When it comes to manipulation, I believe God can give us the wisdom we need in order to avoid playing at all. Like Hacks - Avoiding Maipulation - TY /02/17

How can I learn to love myself when I have been told by mom, dad, grandparents and teachers that I am worthless?

How can I learn to love myself when I have been told by mom, dad, grandparents and teachers that I am worthless? There are some very common questions that I receive through comments on the website, the contact form, on the Emerging from Broken Facebook page and through my private coaching practice. Because these