A lack of worth Presenter: Susanne Gibson

Transcription

1 A lack of self-worth: first person A lack of worth Presenter: Susanne Gibson I'm not worth anything, you know, I'm damaged goods. Every negative that you can think of, I will have felt it about myself at some point A lack of self-worth: significant other A lack of meaning: first person He felt he had, instead of a heart, he had this black, disgusting withered thing, and that he would never be worthy of being loved Who would want him, who would care about him? That I think, is part of the illness feelings of lack of self-worth, self-esteem You just don't have any, there's nothing worthwhile. You just really are on a treadmill doing things A lack of meaning: significant other we live in a very nice part of the country and we were up on the cliffs walking and there's lovely weather, walking the dog, and it was spring, lambs around the place, beautiful scenery, it's all joyous, and she said 'I know it's lovely, but I can't feel anything from it Suicide and a lack of worth How is a lack of worth experienced and responded to? Role and/or purpose Setting high standards Hiding problems and the hidden self Avoiding responsibilities Becoming a burden Loss of meaning Contingent and non-contingent worth 1

2 Having a role or purpose Having a role or purpose I do feel, even when I'm well that that's my role: to look after everybody. I think that's a mother isn't it, to look after everybody but myself, and it's very difficult because I feel as if, if I admit to anybody that I'm not coping, then it's almost as if I'm failing I think her downward transition started when her daughter went to university and she thought she didn't need her anymore. She said in her suicide notes that she'd contemplated suicide many times in her life, and it was me and her daughter that had stopped her. But now that her daughter didn't need her she felt she could go Setting high standards Setting high standards Helping others made me feel like I m still useful. I might be disabled, but I can still offer something to these young people and children in my house. Someone needs this Disability Living Allowance pack done, or someone needs help with this letter. I have to do that, and if I end up in hospital I know I ve done what I needed to do He was quite determined, and he always used to have this expression about 'Plan A', that he wanted to do Plan A and he didn't want to do Plan B, and he thought lots of people lived Plan B because they didn't pursue Plan A at whatever expense Hiding difficulties Hiding difficulties I was very good at coping with things on my own and sorting things out for myself and never asking for help or support from anybody. Because, I'm, you know, it's Laura, she can sort it. I'm independent. But you're not, that's the thing. And yeah, I would say nobody knew about any of it, any part of it, anything. Nobody knew anything at all, because it was not what I was known to be I've read about other creative people, when their public persona is something different to how they are at home and he was definitely like that. I would be out and people would just say: He's amazing, or, I've never met anyone else like him. And I would find it hard sometimes because I would think: Well you know he's not always like this. It was hard, it was really hard to keep him afloat all the time, because I suppose, he was full of self-loathing 2

3 Avoiding responsibilities Avoiding responsibilities I took the puppy for a walk in the hills and I thought: What do I do, how do I look after her when I go back home? I thought: I'll let her off the lead, she'll run off and then I'll say I lost her. I measure how long ago the suicide attempt was by how old she is now It was all really irregular work that he did. It was all stuff where he didn't have to commit completely to anybody. He didn't want any responsibility, I think. He didn't ever want to push himself or challenge himself. He wanted to stay in a real safe bubble Becoming a burden I ve found that it gets to a stage when I feel that I am a burden. I never ever think I want to get out for me. It always gets to a stage where I think it s not fair on the people I love. So it always feels in my addled brain like I m doing it for them. Becoming a burden She definitely was afraid of being a burden to us as well. She would quite often say to me: 'Would you rather have me whatever state I'm in? Or not at all?' And I mean obviously I would rather have her whatever state. But she never wanted to be a burden Loss of meaning Winning the lottery or a bereavement would have felt exactly the same, with no emotions whatsoever. And I suppose that's why you don't think, I can't do this because I've a family, because you're probably thinking they're thinking the same way anyway. They're not, you know, there's nothing Loss of meaning She had a moral system going, things she would do and she wouldn t do. You know, she cared about things, it was important and this is how she was. But whatever she was and had been for these 28 years, she wasn t that any more. 3

4 Contingent worth Non-contingent worth Something has contingent worth when it is valued for the sake of something else. The amount of worth that I have in my various roles depends on the standard to which I perform them Deci & Ryan (1995): Distinguish contingent and true self-esteem Non-contingent worth is just there People have non-contingent worth because we are able to value our own lives and find purpose in them. Allows us to get on with our lives without constantly questioning whether we are good enough, or whether what we are engaged in is worth doing, even if these questions arise from time to time. Non-contingent worth and suicide Contingent worth and vulnerability For people who are suicidal, this background of non-contingent worth appears to be diminished or even absent (temporarily or as a more permanent experience) A man who feels like a good and worth person only when he has just accomplished a profitable business transaction would have contingent self-esteem. If her were very successful, frequently negotiating such deals, he would have a continuing high level of self-esteem; yet that high level would be tenuous, always requiring that he continue to pass the tests of life, always requiring he match some controlling standard Deci & Ryan (1995) Human agency: the basis for true self-esteem. CW & NCW CW only NCW only Loss of worth 4

5 Recovering a sense of worth Is it possible to recover a sense of noncontingent worth? A story about baking and gardening So I then started to cook. And I started baking. And the process of following a recipe I found really relaxing. There'd be a start, a middle, and an outcome. Because I couldn't watch TV, I couldn't read, I couldn't do anything. But that I could do. And it s something that I find easy to do as well. I don't have to think about it too much. It's like gardening. Always brought up on gardens and gardening and allotments and things like that. But since I moved in here it s taken off a bit more. Because it's outside, it's fresh air and you know, I'm not an expert and things can die as much as live, but it's something I can do and I don't have to think about it. Because I can over-think. From start to finish and then start again. And get a different result when I've finished, all on the same subject matter. But gardening and baking can settle me. I can be outside in the garden and not realise hours have gone and thoroughly enjoy it. And then come in and feel better. I don't know if it's the endorphins or the hormones that are released but having a simple task helps. It's easy, everybody has something that comes easy to them, and I think that's what comes easy to me. And I enjoy it. I might not achieve much, but I enjoy it. I could spend hours just moving pots around, because they don't look right. Or building something like a set of shelves or whatever, to put pots on in a corner. And, you know, it doesn't look like I've done much. But I'll have been out there hours and I'll be as happy as Larry coming in afterwards. And like I said with the baking, I enjoy that process. Because my job, at the moment, really, we have to look in a lot of grey areas and you just have to always think outside of the box. And sometimes it's just nice to be in a box and work through a process that's just easy and has an outcome to it. 5