CAN I GET A WITNESS? OBVIOUSLY KISS IT GOODBYE. Vol. 16 Issue 15 All Rights Reserved 2018

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Vol. 16 Issue 15 All Rights Reserved 2018 CAN I GET

A young man came running into the store and said to

was? The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but

' OBVIOUSLY A business traveler was passing through

His progress was stalled when he came upon a huge

The casket was being followed, slowly, by a great

procession of ancients, "but we think it's the one

" KISS IT GOODBYE "Dad," a teenaged girl says,

1 Vol. 16 Issue 15 All Rights Reserved 2018 CAN I GET A WITNESS? A young man came running into the store and said to his buddy, Somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!' Alarmed, his friend yelled, 'Did you see who it was? The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got the license number.' OBVIOUSLY A business traveler was passing through a small town. His progress was stalled when he came upon a huge funeral procession. The casket was being followed, slowly, by a great many, very old, mourners on foot. "Who died?" the man asked one of the mourners. "We re not sure," replied an old man watching the procession of ancients, "but we think it's the one in the coffin." KISS IT GOODBYE "Dad," a teenaged girl says, running into her father's den, "I'd like to kiss you good-bye before I go to school!" "You're too late, Honey. Your mother just did that two minutes ago, and I don't have any cash left on me." PUBLISHED AND DISTRIBUTED WEEKLY BY PASSTIMES OF ARIZONA, LLC - PASSTIMESAZ@LIVE.COM

HAVING A PLAN IS A GOOD IDEA UNTIL YOU HAVE TO GET DRESSED AND GO SOMEWHERE GUARANTEED!

transport their ship was towing. They were seated in a cramped room full of green scopes and crackling radios.

because nothing can approach within 2000 yards of us without our being aware of it at once.

STINGS A LITTLE The young military wife was sent to the lab to have blood drawn.

2 HAVING A PLAN IS A GOOD IDEA UNTIL YOU HAVE TO GET DRESSED AND GO SOMEWHERE GUARANTEED! The ensign was instructing a group of enlisted reserves on the potential for information about an attack transport their ship was towing. They were seated in a cramped room full of green scopes and crackling radios. The end of the lecture was concluded with these words: "Thus you can tell that there is no possible danger because nothing can approach within 2000 yards of us without our being aware of it at once." Just then the towed ship bumped into the vessel where the lecture was held and all were thrown off their feet. STINGS A LITTLE The young military wife was sent to the lab to have blood drawn. The technician there was friendly and mentioned that his mood improved every day because he was due to leave the service in two months. As he applied the tourniquet on her arm, he told her that taking the blood wouldn't hurt much. Then, noticing her Air Force T-shirt he asked her what her husband did. When she replied that he was a recruiter, the technician smiled slyly and said, "This might hurt a little more than I thought."

4 I WISH THEY WOULD STOP PUTTING SIRENS IN MUSIC. LAST WEEK I PULLED MYSELF OVER THREE TIMES WHEN YOU HAVE NOTHING LEFT BUT GOD, THAT IS WHEN YOU SEE THAT GOD IS ALL YOU NEED

5 LIFE S JOURNEY IS NOT TO ARRIVE AT THE GRAVE SAFELY, BUT TO SKID IN, TOTALLY EXHAUSTED SHOUTING, WOW, WHAT A RIDE! EASTER ISN T ABOUT THE BUNNY. IT S ABOUT THE LAMB

6 I M JUST PRETENDING TO BE HERE EASTER EGG HUNTS ARE PROOF THAT YOUR CHILD CAN FIND THINGS WHEN THEY WANT TO I MIGHT BE CRAZY...OR MAYBE I JUST NEED CARBS...I DON T KNOW

ANSWERS 1. One-eighth fluid ounce 2. Yellow dwarf 3. "Winnie-the-Pooh" 4.

"Hogan's Heroes" 8. Marine One 9. Krungthep 10. Nine (c) 2018 King Features Synd., Inc.

LIMITED EDITION? MAN, I REALLY HAD MY HEART SET ON WAKING UP RICH TODAY 1.

ASTRONOMY: What kind of star is our sun? 3.

GEOGRAPHY: Where is the island nation of Cape Verde located? 5.

MOVIES: Who was the lead actor in the 1968 movie "Planet of the Apes"? 7.

8 ANSWERS 1. One-eighth fluid ounce 2. Yellow dwarf 3. "Winnie-the-Pooh" 4. Off the western coast of north Africa 5. XX (1,000 divided by 50) 6. Charlton Heston 7. "Hogan's Heroes" 8. Marine One 9. Krungthep 10. Nine (c) 2018 King Features Synd., Inc. GOD IS DEBTOR TO NO MAN SINCE THERE S ONLY ONE OF ME DOES THAT MAKE ME ENDANGERED OR A LIMITED EDITION? MAN, I REALLY HAD MY HEART SET ON WAKING UP RICH TODAY 1. MEASUREMENTS: How much is a dram in U.S. measurements? 2. ASTRONOMY: What kind of star is our sun? 3. LITERATURE: What children's book features the characters Tigger, Eeyore and Piglet? 4. GEOGRAPHY: Where is the island nation of Cape Verde located? 5. MATH: What is M divided by L in Roman numerals? 6. MOVIES: Who was the lead actor in the 1968 movie "Planet of the Apes"? 7. TELEVISION: What 1960s show featured POWs by the name of Newkirk, LeBeau and Kinchloe? 8. U.S. PRESIDENTS: What is the call sign of the helicopter that carries the president? 9. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: What is the name of Bangkok in native Thailand? 10. RELIGION: How many candles does a Hanukkah menorah have?

I VE BEEN HIDING FROM EXERCISE; I M IN THE FITNESS PROTECTION

18, 1775, as British troops march out of Boston on a mission to

patriots Paul Revere and William Dawes set out on horseback to

Early on the morning of April 19, a British patrol captured

* On April 16, 1789, newly elected President George Washington

to be sworn in as the first American president.

10 I VE BEEN HIDING FROM EXERCISE; I M IN THE FITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM EASTER - THE DAY THAT SAVED THE WHOLE WORLD * On April 18, 1775, as British troops march out of Boston on a mission to confiscate the American arsenal at Concord, Massachusetts, patriots Paul Revere and William Dawes set out on horseback to sound the alarm. Early on the morning of April 19, a British patrol captured Revere and briefly questioned him. * On April 16, 1789, newly elected President George Washington leaves his Mount Vernon, Virginia, home and heads for New York, to be sworn in as the first American president. Washington had admitted that he would have preferred to stay in retirement. * On April 22, 1889, at precisely high noon, some 50,000 to 60,000 would-be settlers make a mad dash into the newly opened Oklahoma Territory to claim cheap land. Towns like Norman, Oklahoma City, Kingfisher and Guthrie sprang up almost overnight.

DEJA VU WHEN YOU THINK YOU'VE DONE SOMETHING DONE BEFORE, IT'S BECAUSE GOD THOUGHT IT WAS SO FUNNY, HE HAD REWIND *

As a result, thousands of books were ordered removed from USIS libraries.

* On April 20, 1978, Soviet aircraft force a Korean Air Lines passenger jet to land on a frozen lake after the jet

* On April 19, 1993, at Mount Carmel in Waco, Texas, the FBI launches a tear-gas assault on the Branch Davidian

The compound was burned to the ground, and some 80 Branch Davidians perished in the inferno.

11 DEJA VU WHEN YOU THINK YOU'VE DONE SOMETHING DONE BEFORE, IT'S BECAUSE GOD THOUGHT IT WAS SO FUNNY, HE HAD REWIND * On April 21, 1953, two of Sen. Joseph McCarthy's chief aides return to the U.S. after a controversial investigation of United States Information Service posts in Europe. As a result, thousands of books were ordered removed from USIS libraries. Authors targeted included Dashiell Hammett, W.E.B. Du Bois, Herman Melville, John Steinbeck and Henry Thoreau. * On April 20, 1978, Soviet aircraft force a Korean Air Lines passenger jet to land on a frozen lake after the jet veers into Russian airspace. A civilian American aircraft later retrieved the survivors. * On April 19, 1993, at Mount Carmel in Waco, Texas, the FBI launches a tear-gas assault on the Branch Davidian compound, ending a tense 51-day standoff with the religious cult. The compound was burned to the ground, and some 80 Branch Davidians perished in the inferno. * On April 17, 2002, ABC airs the 10,000th episode of the daytime drama "General Hospital," the network's longest-running soap opera. The show premiered on April 1, (c) 2018 Hearst Communications, Inc. All Rights Reserved

12 NOTHING BRINGS PEOPLE TOGETHER MORE THAN SOMETHING THAT IS NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS GOD IS THE BEST LISTENER

14 WHY CALL IT SOCIAL MEDIA WHEN MOST PEOPLE WHO PARTICIPATE ARE ALONE? I NO LONGER WANT TO BE AN ADULT. IF YOU WANT ME I WILL BE IN MY BLANKET FORT... COLORING YOU ARE ALIVE FOR A REASON

15 ABOUT A MONTH BEFORE HE DIED, MY UNCLE HAD HIS BACK COVERED IN LARD. AFTER THAT, HE WENT DOWN HILL FAST WHEN I WAS A KID I...WAIT, I STILL DO THAT!

16 WHEN THE POLICEMAN WALKED UP TO MY CAR AND SAID PAPERS. I SAID SCISSORS, I WIN AND DROVE OFF. HE S STILL FOLLOWING ME... STOP KILLING ALIGATERS TO MAKE GATORAIDE FOR ATHLEETS IN A WORLD WHERE YOU CAN BE ANYTHING, BE KIND

CAN I GET A WITNESS? OBVIOUSLY KISS IT GOODBYE. Vol. 16 Issue 15 All Rights Reserved 2018

CAN I GET A WITNESS? OBVIOUSLY KISS IT GOODBYE. Vol. 16 Issue 15 All Rights Reserved 2018 Vol. 16 Issue 15 All Rights Reserved 2018 CAN I GET A WITNESS? A young man came running into the store and said to his buddy, Somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!' Alarmed, his friend