Thriving Through Crisis

Transcription

1 Thriving Through Crisis Bill O Hanlon, M.S., LMFT Possibilities 223 N. Guadalupe #278 Santa Fe, NM USA WriteBill@BIllOHanlon.com

2 Thriving Through Crisis For a free copy of these PowerPoint slides, visit my website: The slides will be on the home page as a PDF download The slides will be up on my site for a month after this presentation, so please visit soon You may share these slides with others if you would like

3 Myths and misconceptions about trauma and treatment 1. All people who suffer trauma develop PTSD 2. People who develop PTSD only resolve it through therapy 3. There are only negative effects from trauma

4 What helps people turn post-traumatic stress into post-traumatic success 1. Connection 2. Compassion 3. Contribution 4. Changing the trauma into creativity or career direction 5. Connect with a future with meaning and possibility

5 Thriving Through Crisis Connection

6 Pathways to Connection Soul/spirit/deep self Body Another being Community/groups Nature Art God/universe/higher power

7 Connective Rituals Regularly repeated activities Reconnect one to self, others or something beyond Give one a sense of continuity Restoring previous rituals Creating new rituals

8 Undifferentiated/Un-boundaried Un-socialized Self Undifferentiated self

9 Typical development process leading to integrated self story Undifferentiated self

10 Intrusion, Devaluation and Shame Shaming/devaluing Sexual/physical intrusion Undifferentiated self Attribution of experience

11 Intrusion, Devaluation and Shame Shaming/devaluing Sexual/physical intrusion Undifferentiated self Leads to 3-D effect Attribution of experience

12 Dissociated/Disowned/Devalued Aspects Unowned/ bad feelings, thoughts, sensations, memories, fantasies, desires, aspects of self Aspects of experience with which the person identifies

13 Thriving Through Crisis Inclusive Therapy: Connection And Compassion

14 Inhibition or Intrusion Devalued aspect is either inhibited, suppressed and numbed or becomes intrusive, dominant or compulsive

15 Discovering Inclusive Therapy Ø Including obsessions Ø Handily escaping a bind Ø Protected vulnerability

16 Inclusion Level 1 Permission #1 To You can It s okay You re okay if

17 Inclusion Level 1 Permission #2 Not to have to You don t have to It s okay if you don t You re okay if you don t

18 Inclusion Level 2 Inclusion of seeming opposites You can and not Opposite polarities Previously incompatible experiences/traits

19 Inclusion Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself. I am large, I contain multitudes. Walt Whitman

20 Inclusion Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative. Oscar Wilde

21 Inclusion The only completely consistent people are the dead. Aldous Huxley

22 I Am Not I (Jiménez) I am not I. I am this one walking beside me whom I do not see, whom at times I manage to visit, and whom at other times I forget; who remains calm and silent while I talk, and forgives, gently, when I hate, who walks where I am not, who will remain standing when I die.

23 Bitch (Meredith Brooks) I hate the world today, You re so good to me, I know but I can t change; Tried to tell you but you look at me like maybe I m an angel underneath Innocent and sweet; Yesterday I cried, You must have been relieved to see the softer side; I can understand how you d be so confused, I don t envy you I m a little bit of everything all rolled into one I m a bitch, I m a lover; I m a child, I m a mother I m a sinner, I m a saint; I do not feel ashamed I m your Hell, I m your dream; I m nothin in between You know you wouldn t want it any other way So take me as I am; This may mean you have to be a stronger man Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous and I m going to extremes; Tomorrow I will change and today won t mean a thing Just when you think you got me figured out, the season s already changin ; I think it s cool you do what you do and don t try to save me I m a bitch, I m a tease, I m a goddess on my knees When you hurt, when you suffer, I m your angel undercover I ve been numbed, I m revived can t say I m not alive You know, I wouldn t want it any other way

24 Cruel, Crazy, Beautiful World (Clegg) You got to wash with the crocodile in the river; You got to swim with the sharks in the sea You got to live with the crooked politician; Trust those things that you can never see Ayeye ayeye Jesse mfana (Jesse boy) ayeye ayeye You got to trust your lover when you go away; Keep on believing tomorrow brings a better day Sometimes you smile while you re crying inside; Just once you'll turn away while the truth is shining bright; Ayeye ayeye Jesse mfana (jesse boy) ayeye aye; It s a cruel, crazy, beautiful world; Every day you wake up I hope it s (under) a blue sky; It s a cruel, crazy, beautiful world One day when you wake up I will/won't have to say good-bye; Good-by it s your world so live in it Beyond the door, strange cruel beautiful years lie waiting for you It kills me to know you won t escape loneliness; maybe you ll lose hope too When I feel your small body close to mine; I feel weak and strong at the same time So few years to give you wings to fly; Show you stars to guide your ship by

25 I Don t Have Time (Yehuda Amichai) I don t have time to have time for everything. I don t have seasons enough to have a season for every purpose. Ecclesiastes was wrong about that. I need to love and to hate at the same moment, to laugh and cry with the same eyes, with the same hands to cast away stones and to gather them, to make love in war and war in love. And to hate and forgive and remember and forget, to set in order and confuse, to eat and to digest what history takes years and years to do. I don t have time. When I lose I seek, when I find I forget, what I forget I love, when I love I begin to forget. And my soul is experienced. My soul is very professional. Only a body remains forever an amateur. It tries and it misses, drunk and blind in its pleasures and its pain.

26 Inclusion Level 3 Exceptions That s the way it is, except when it s not Moments of exception Including the opposite possibility Recognizing complexity

27 Inclusion/Exceptions Nothing is as dangerous as an idea when it is the only one you have. Emile Chartier

28 The Inclusive Self Spirituality Nature Future selves Resources Alternative Stories Previous solutions Devalued aspects Alien voices (Disidentified Self) (society s/others) Identified Self (Identity Story) Exceptions Community Polarities (Non-identified self)

29 Levels of Inclusion 3 Levels of Inclusion Permission To Not to have to Inclusion of (seeming) opposites Exceptions

30 Thriving Through Crisis Self-Compassion

31 The Guest House (Rumi) This being human is a guest-house Every morning a new arrival A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, Still, treat each guest honorably, He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, for each has been sent as a guide from beyond.

32 W.H. Auden We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don t know.

33 That I Would Be Good (Alanis Morissette) that I would be good even if I did nothing that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down that I would be good if I got and stayed sick that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth that I would be great if I was no longer queen that I would be grand if I was not all knowing that I would be loved even when I numb myself that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed that I would be loved even when I was fuming that I would be good even if I was clingy that I would be good even if I lost sanity that I would be good whether with or without you

34 Weathering (Fleur Adcock) My face catches the wind off the snowline And flushes with a flush that will never wholly settle Well, that was a Metropolitan vanity Wanting to look young forever, to pass I was never a pre-raphaelite beauty And only pretty enough to be seen with men Who wanted to be seen with passable women But now that I am in love with a place that doesn t care how I look or if I am happy, Happy is how I look and that s all. My hair will grow gray in any case; My waist will thicken, my nails chip and flake and the years work all their usual changes. If my face is to be weatherbeaten as well, it s little enough lost for a year among lakes and fells where simply to look out of the window at the high pass makes me indifferent to mirrors and to what my soul may wear over its new complexion.

35 Self-Compassion Bumper Sticker: I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

36 Finding more self-compassion 1. Is there any area in which you are critical or non-accepting of yourself? 2. What do you think is your most unacceptable aspect or part of your body? 3. What is one step you could take toward valuing or at least moving towards accepting that aspect? 4. If that trait or aspect was one of your best friend's, how would you assure them it is okay?

37 Thriving Through Crisis Contribution

38 Contribution/Service Mitzvah therapy The African Violet Queen Sol Gordon s Abuse Victim

39 Ghandi The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.

40 Albert Schweitzer You must give something to your fellow men. Even if it is a little thing, do something for those who have need of help, something for which you get no pay but the privilege of giving... The only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve.

41 Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Life's most persistent and urgent question is: What are you doing for others?

42 The Talmud The highest form of wisdom is kindness.

43 Contribution Ø Ø Ø Ø Ø Ø Is there anywhere your client could be of service or make a contribution that would help them make amends or heal wounds? Where do they give of themselves? If they had to name their most significant contribution to helping another person or people, what would they say? If they had to name the cause that they feel most passionate about, what would it be? Become aware of some social injustice or victim situation that moves or touches you. Every time you experience some recurrent problem, do one thing to contribute to the relief of the victim s suffering or to righting some social injustice. It may be writing a letter, making a donation of money or time to some charitable group, praying, or some other action you are moved to.

44 W.H. Auden We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don t know.

45 Future Pull Now that you have identified your soul s calling, it s time to connect to the future that includes that calling

46 Future Pull The future enters into us, in order to transform itself into us, long before it happens. Rainer Maria Rilke

47 Future Pull "You have to go fetch the future. It's not coming towards you, it's running away." Zulu proverb

48 Future Pull Interventions Problems into goals Rephrase from what is unwanted to what is desired Redirect from the past to the future Mention the presence of something rather than the absence of something Suggest small increments rather than big leaps

49 Future Pull Interventions Expectancy talk Yet, so far From if/would to when/will After How quickly?

50 Elspeth McAdam... A young girl I was working with had experienced abuse. She walked into my office as a very large girl with shaved hair, tattoos on her head, and I don't think she had showered in a week. I had been asked to see her because she was so angry. She clearly didn't want to come and see an expletive expletive shrink. She was very angry at being there. I just said to her, 'You've talked to everybody about your past. Let's talk about your dreams for the future.' And her whole face just lit up when she said her dream was to become a princess. In my mind I could not think of two more opposite visions but I took her very seriously. I asked he about what the concept of princess meant for her.

51 Elspeth McAdam She started talking about being a people's princess who would do things for other people, who would be caring and generous and a beautiful ambassador. She described a princess who was slender and well dressed. Over the next few months, we started talking about what this princess would be doing. I discovered that, while this girl was 14 and hadn't been attending school for a long time, the princess was a social worker. I said, 'Okay it is now ten year's time and you have trained as a social worker. What university did you go to?' She mentioned one in the north of England. I asked, 'What did you read [study] there?' She said, 'I don't know, psychology and sociology and a few other things like that.' Then I said, 'Do you remember when you were 14? You'd been out of school for two or three years. Do you remember how you got back in school?'

52 Elspeth McAdam She said, 'I had this psychiatrist who helped me.' I said, 'How did she help you?' And she started talking about how we made a phone call to the school. I said, "Who spoke? Did you or her?' She replied, 'The psychiatrist spoke but she arranged a meeting for us to go to the school.' I said, 'Do you remember how you shook hands with the head teacher when you went in? Do you remember what you wore?' We went into these minute details about what that particular meeting was like looking from the future back. And she was able to describe the conversations we had had, how confident she had been, how well she had spoken, and the subjects she had talked about. I didn't say any more about it.

53 Elspeth McAdam About a month after this conversation she said to me, 'I think it's about time we went to the school, don't you? Can you ring and make an appointment?' I asked if she needed to talk about it any more and she said no, she knew how to behave. When we went into the school she was just brilliant. I first met that girl ten years ago. Now she is a qualified social worker. She fulfilled her dream although she didn't go to the university she mentioned.

54 Letter From Your Future Write a letter from your future self to your current self From five years from now Describe where you are, what you are doing, what you have gone through to get there, and so on Tell yourself the crucial things you realized or did to get there Give yourself some sage and compassionate advice from the future

55 Crystal Ball Method What is your sense of a future you would prefer (vs. problem-determined or problem-continued future)? What would you do or focus on or think in the near future if you were committed to or moving toward that future?

56 The Miracle Question Imagine that you went to sleep tonight and while you were sleeping, a miracle occurred and the problem that brought you to therapy was resolved. Make certain that the person is experientially involved in the scenario. When you first open your eyes, what the first thing you will notice that will let you know that this miracle has occurred? How would other people know the miracle had occurred? What would they notice that is different about you or what you are doing? Keep tracking the changes through the day, the week, the month and so on.

57 Future Pull The best thing about the future is that comes only one day at a time. Abraham Lincoln

58 Future Pull Interventions Scaling Get the person to give a number on a scale of about where they are now and where they would like to be Ask what they could do to increase their current rating a small, realistic amount

59 Future Pull Interventions Scaling Get the person to predict how many days they will stay at the current number and how many days will be a higher number in between sessions Percentages might be more helpful to some people

60 Thriving Through Crisis This Powerpoint presentation was created by Bill O Hanlon You have my permission to use it for noncommercial purposes (like sharing it with your colleagues or studying it yourself). If you want to use it in any commercial (money-making) activities, please contact me for permission and discussion.