FORGIVING OTHERS. The Lord s Expectation

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1 FORGIVING OTHERS There is a balm in Gilead To make the wounded whole There is a balm in Gilead To heal the sin-sick soul (from There is a Balm in Gilead, African-American Spiritual) Anciently in Israel, from the region of Gilead, a soothing ointment was manufactured from a particular variety of balsam trees. This balm was reputed to have healing properties bordering on the miraculous that were known throughout the world. The Ishmaelite company that carried Joseph to slavery in Egypt was carrying this valuable commodity from Gilead to Egypt. The prophet Jeremiah referred to it when he asked Is there no balm in Gilead; is there no physician there? Why then is not the health of the daughter of my people recovered? (Jer. 8:22) In our own day, our lives and our hearts are beset by wrongs and offences, both perceived and real, great and small. Acts of others, both intentional and unintentional, wound us, sometimes causing small scrapes, sometimes causing deep wounds. But even the smallest scratch can become infected if not properly treated, endangering our very lives. We need a balm from Gilead, an ointment with miraculous properties, which can heal the hurt from the smallest snub to the most outrageous offence. The Lord has given us such a balm, to be applied liberally in our lives. It is called forgiveness. Addressing such a broad topic is a bit difficult, for there is a wide range of both offences and responses by the offended. Some feel justified in feeling anger and bitterness towards an unrepentant offender, while others who desire to forgive feel unable to cleanse their hearts of anger and resentment. Some have been offended by a few angry words, while others have been violated physically or emotionally in horrendous ways. Some pass through the process of forgiving on their own, while others require guidance and counseling from church leaders or professional therapists. The path to the peace that comes from forgiving another is different for each person; however, there are common principles upon which all forgiving is based. Wherever you fit in these classifications, I pray that the spirit may identify and carry into your hearts the principles that apply to your situation that will help you to apply the healing balm of forgiveness to your heart. The Lord s Expectation Let us briefly review the Lord s expectations. They are familiar to most of us. Thou shalt not hate thy brother in thine heart thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. (Leviticus 19:17-18). And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ s sake hath forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:32) I, the Lord will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men. (D&C 64:10). Yes, the Lord not only expects, but requires us to forgive all who have offended us. 1

2 Not only does he require us to forgive, but he has made our forgiving others a condition of receiving forgiveness of our sins from him. For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. (Matt 6:14-15). Each of us has need to come to the Lord, carrying as it were a bag full or our sins, all the ugly things we are ashamed of having done. We lay it at his feet, humbly seeking his forgiveness, for we know he has promised to take that burden from us. As you lay your sins at his feet, can you imagine the Lord asking you just one question - Are you willing to forgive everyone, everything they have done that has caused you hurt, heartache, or sorrow? If you are not willing to forgive, if you would rather hold on to the anger, resentment, and bitterness felt towards another, then can you also imagine him gently nudging the bag back towards you and saying, I m sorry, I can t take them. I am willing to forgive them, why aren t you? I believe the words willing to forgive are very important, for they indicate, not that we have already forgiven everyone, but that forgiving others is the desire of our hearts. If we work each day to be a little more forgiving towards those who offend us, we do not need to be discouraged when feelings of anger, bitterness, and resentment may occasionally linger in our hearts. Forgiving others can be very difficult, and our imperfect attempts to remove these feelings are acceptable to him. The Lord does not require perfection; instead he says, I the Lord, require the hearts of the children of men. (D&C 64:22) We must develop a heart that is willing to forgive; this is what the Lord expects of us. What Does It Really Mean to Forgive Another? Reconciling with one who acknowledges and has sorrow for the offence caused can sometimes be difficult, but how much more difficult it can be to forgive those who may not realize they have hurt us, those who have no sorrow for the hurt they have done, or those who would continue to hurt us if they were allowed. To understand how we can forgive all who offend us and before we talk about specific steps to forgiving, we must briefly consider what it really means to forgive another. There is so much that could be said about this, but let me just put it simply and briefly: forgiving another person is repenting of the sin that is within us. It is repenting of the sin of harboring feelings of bitterness, anger, and resentment towards another one of God s children, the sin of being judgmental, the sin of claiming for ourselves God s right to decide who merits forgiveness by withholding it from others. The Lord has said, he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses there remaineth in him the greater sin. (D&C 64:9) When we repent of this sin, when we have cleansed these evil feelings from our hearts, we will have forgiven another. Forgiving another has everything to do with our hearts, and nothing to do with theirs. And so as we consider the question of how we can forgive another, let us do so with the understanding that the focus of forgiving another must really be on changing ourselves. 2

3 How Can We Forgive? What are the steps that allow us to forgive? To remove resentment and anger from our hearts? I will discuss some of the steps that I have found in the words of prophets, professionals, and persons who have found peace from forgiving great wrongs committed by others. There are likely others steps, or different forms of these same steps, but here are a few that seemed to appear in their words again and again. Recognize your need to forgive. Sometimes we may harbor little grudges that don t seem like that big a deal. We may not feel anger or bitterness, but it affects how we feel towards a person and our relationship with them. At a family reunion many years ago, a family member of a woman I know said some things that were mean-spirited and rude. It was not over anything of great importance, and did not cause lasting feelings of anger. A few years later, my friend was remembering many enjoyable times she had had with this family member before the offence had taken place. She recognized that the memory of those words spoken years before had kept her from wanting to be around this person. Having recognized this, my friend decided that the relationship was more important than the offence, and she was able to begin doing more things and find enjoyment in the company of this person once again At the other end of the spectrum, we may sometimes feel justified in withholding forgiveness. Sadly, this may at times be due to our pettiness and misguided sense of justice, holding grudges over even minor offences. Other times it may be due to the terrible nature of the offence, when we may feel the deed is too vile, the pain too great, the individual too unrepentant to ever merit forgiveness. But we have already discussed the Lord s expectations. We are required to forgive, no matter how great the offence. At these times, we must sometimes move forward on faith alone. Recognizing the Lord s expectations, we can just begin with a small desire to forgive, possibly for no other reason than to obey the commandment. Having faith that the Lord will help us, this desire, like Alma s seed, will sprout, take root, and if properly nourished, grow into a full measure of forgiveness. Seek help according to the seriousness of the offence and its impact on you. An unkind word from a spouse or friend, a thoughtless action by a family member, or even an intentional barb from an adversary can often be forgiven by taking the matter to the Lord, who helps you remove ill feelings towards another from your heart. Indeed, in all instances, we must seek the help of the Lord, but sometimes the struggle to forgive is more than can be worked out between us and the Lord alone. At times we may need to follow the scriptural injunction, if thy brother or sister offend thee, thou shalt take him between him and thee alone: and if he confess thou shalt be reconciled. (D&C 42:88) Many times grudges are held and relationships damaged by misunderstandings that could be resolved through honest and loving communication. Note that the offence is to be discussed with the offender alone, not taken to friends or family in a way that joins them to you in railing against the wrongs and in reviling the offender. This is not to say we should not take advantage of the experience and wise counsel that friends and family may offer, but that such discussions should be focused on moving forward from the hurt, not looking back at it. Remember, we are looking to remove the resentment, not revel in it. 3

4 Other times offences may be so grievous or long-lasting and cause a hurt so deep that help must be sought from qualified persons, including church leaders or professional counselors, to guide us through the process of forgiving. Such offences might include physical or emotional abuse, unfaithfulness, or criminal activities that cause us or a loved one great harm. These offences can cause emotional wounds so severe that they must first be treated before a person can even be able to begin to forgive. Regardless of the cause of the offence, if you find yourself unable to forgive, seek guidance from others who are called or qualified to help you. Recognize the need to mourn. The Lord does not expect us to cheerfully accept all offences, all wrongs, and all injustices that come to us. The Preacher said, To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven: a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance. (Eccl. 3: 1, 4) Forgiving must often be done in the face of great personal loss, and a period of mourning for that which is lost, even perhaps a little anger, may be necessary before we can move forward and begin the healing process of truly forgiving. An experience related by Dr. John Lund exemplifies this process. A young man abruptly discovered his wife had been unfaithful, and when confronted, she showed no desire to repent and wanted out of their temple marriage. This young man came to Dr. Lund for counseling to help him through this terrible experience. Among the first counsel from Dr. Lund was the suggestion to take some time to mourn, and once the man felt ready to forgive, they would continue on. After some time and several visits, the man arrived at a point where he felt he was ready to forgive. Dr. Lund then asked him to write a letter to his wife describing all the feelings he had felt, the betrayal, the loss, the pain, the mourning for all the dreams that might have been but now would never be, at least with her. The letter was not to be given to her, but to be read aloud to an empty chair. The young man accepted the challenge and wrote a letter Dr. Lund describes as being full of a tender spirit and forgiveness. He was then able to continue on through the process of forgiveness. The pain and the loss when we are offended is very real, and taking the time to mourn acknowledges the pain and can help lead us to a greater acceptance of the loss. Continuing with the story of this young man leads into another step in the process of forgiving others. After reading the letter to an empty chair, as if his wife were sitting there, the young man declared his forgiveness for all that he had written in his letter. Dr. Lund then told him it was time to bury the hatchet. In some Native American tribes, there was a tradition that before peace was made between warring peoples, the two leaders met together, made their mark on the handle of a tomahawk, and buried it next to a prominent landmark, not to be forgotten, but to be remembered as a symbol that they had made peace and put aside their differences. So this young man took a hatchet handle and wrote his name, the name of his wife, and the date on it. He picked a place important to him, his mission field in Peru, and returned there to bury the hatchet. Climbing high in the mountains, he read the letter one more time, then tore it into pieces and let the wind carry it away. He lodged the hatchet in a crevice in the rock, and returned home. 4

5 His words to Dr. Lund upon returning home are what are most instructive. I forgave and remembered that I forgave, and whenever I have occasion to think about it, or her, or the hurt, heartache and sorrow, I remember that I turned that burden over to the Lord on February 4, 1994, and I don t have to carry it any more. (From Dr. John L. Lund, For All Eternity, talks on CD, Disk 5) This most important step is to let it go. The principle of letting it go, of turning the offence and all its hurt, heartache and sorrow over to the Lord, appeared over and over in nearly every experience that I read. It is found in the Lord s admonition, ye ought to say in your hearts, let God judge between me and thee, and reward thee according to thy deeds (D&C 64:11). It is echoed in the words of a song, there s so much of life that can t be lived when you re still holding on to hate and anger deep inside, let it go ( Let It Go, Michael McLean and John Batdorf, in You ve Always Been There for Me) A blind woman in Southern California, speaking at a high school assembly on overcoming adversity, told her story of being stalked, kidnapped, violated, shot and left for dead. In the assault, she lost both her eyes, and after a long recovery, was left by her husband who was unable to deal with the experience. She was left a single mother of two children to deal with all the aftermath of this terrible crime. The man who committed the crime was found, tried, sent to prison, and after serving seven years for his crime was released. She told of raising her two grown daughters who were with her that day. At the end of her talk, she gave the youth a chance to ask questions. The first question was along the lines of how much time does she spend thinking about that man, that he is free while she has to live the rest of her life dealing with the results of his crime. She responded that she gets that question nearly every time she speaks, almost as if people want her to be mourning over the terrible injustice done to her. Then she said that she didn t ever think about him. I ve given him all of me he is ever going to have. I m not going to give him my todays and I m not going to give him my tomorrows. (From Dr. John L. Lund, For All Eternity, talks on CD, Disk 5) What happened yesterday is past, and nothing we can do can change what has happened. We can choose to either move forward and forgive, or to relive the past and experience the hurt and heartache over and over again. If we choose to live in the past, mourning what might have been, we will sacrifice what could be, both today and tomorrow. Letting go allows us to move forward out of the night of resentment and regret and into the morning of hope and love. In the words of the Psalmist, Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. (Psalms 30:5) Not only must we must let go of our pain, anger, and regrets, but we must also let go of our judgment of the offender. Withholding judgment is part of letting go and is another vital step in forgiving others. This doesn t mean we just forget the offence or that we let people off from responsibility. It does not mean that we have to trust a person who has wronged us, nor that we must try to restore the same relationship and association that we had before the wrong. It means that we turn responsibility for judging over to those who are responsible for such judgment and let go of all the feelings of bitterness and vindictiveness we may have in our hearts. For the church, this responsibility rests with the bishop and the stake president. For the law of the land, it resides with the justice system. For all offences, judgment belongs to the Lord. 5

6 In an Ensign article several years ago, a woman who had struggled for years to forgive the unfaithfulness of her husband said it well. When we are unforgiving, we are judging the guilty person and we are anxious and concerned about justice being done and about being repaid for our losses. But when we ve forgiven, we no longer judge or expect repayment. We give up our tiresome wrestle with the issue and decide to walk away and do something else with our time and energy. In a figurative sense, we wrap up all our frenzied emotions, confusion, anger, and sadness and drop that burden at the feet of the Savior, at his request in fact, at his command. We trust him completely to handle the whole thing in his perfect wisdom. We cease to be victims of someone s sin or error, and we go on with other duties and joys of life, not looking back, not concerned anymore. This is what happened to me. (My Journey to Forgiving, Ensign, Feb. 1997, 40) Even after we let go of our hurt and our judgment, we often must wait for the peace of forgiveness. Sometimes we must wait a long time before we fully feel that peace. Years ago Elder Boyd K. Packer related a story in general conference of an older gentleman he knew and respected greatly, who had served in many responsible church callings, whose life had been a life of service both in the church and the community. Once as they were driving together, this man shared a story from his life that taught a great lesson. In the words of Elder Packer: He grew up in a little community. Somehow in his youth he had a desire to make something of himself and struggled successfully to get an education. He married a lovely young woman, and presently everything in his life was just right. He was well employed, with a bright future. They were deeply in love, and she was expecting their first child. The night the baby was to be born there were complications. The only doctor was somewhere in the countryside tending to the sick. They were not able to find him. After many hours of labor the condition of the mother-to-be became desperate. Finally the doctor arrived. He sensed the emergency, acted quickly, and soon had things in order. The baby was born and the crisis, it appeared, was over. Some days later the young mother died from the very infection that the doctor had been treating at the other home that night. My friend s world was shattered. Everything was not right now; everything was all wrong. He had lost his wife, his sweetheart. He had no way to take care of a tiny baby and at once tend to his work. As the weeks wore on his grief festered. That doctor should not be allowed to practice, he would say. He brought that infection to my wife; if he had been careful she would be alive today. He thought of little else, and in his bitterness he became threatening. Then one night a knock came at his door. A little youngster said, simply, Daddy wants you to come over. He wants to talk to you. Daddy was the stake president. A grieving, heartbroken young man went to see his spiritual leader. This spiritual shepherd had been watching his flock and had something to say to him. The counsel from this wise servant was simply: John, leave it alone. Nothing you do about it will bring her back. Anything you do will make it worse. John, leave it alone. 6

7 My friend told me then that this had been his trial, his Gethsemane. How could he leave it alone? Right was right! A terrible wrong had been committed, and somebody must pay for it. He struggled in agony to get hold of himself. It did not happen at once. Finally he determined that whatever else the issues were, he should be obedient He determined to follow the counsel of that wise spiritual leader. He would leave it alone. Then he told me, I was an old man before I finally understood. It was not until I was an old man that I could finally see a poor country doctor overworked, underpaid, run ragged from patient to patient, with little proper medicine, no hospital, few instruments. He struggled to save lives, and succeeded for the most part. He had come in a moment of crisis when two lives hung in the balance and had acted without delay. I was an old man, he repeated, before finally I understood. (Elder Boyd K. Packer, The Balm of Gilead, Ensign, Nov 1977, p. 59) Sometimes forgiveness begins with nothing more than a desire to obey. We leave our mourning behind; we let go of judgment and vindictiveness. We live lives of faithfulness. And we wait, sometimes until we are old, until we can truly understand and see others as our Savior does. In a recent Ensign article, one woman wrote, I immediately set about trying to forgive [my husband]. I knew it was what I needed to do, and I wanted to do it, but somehow I seemed incompetent to do [it]. I felt competent in many areas, but forgiving seemed impossible. I could not make my heart change. I felt helpless and desperate As I look back, I realize that it was during those long, prayerful moments that I tapped into a life-giving source of comfort from my loving Heavenly Father. I sense that he was not standing by glaring at me for not having accomplished forgiveness yet; rather he was sorrowing with me as I wept For me, forgiving is a miracle we cannot create for ourselves. It is a gift of God to the injured party as well as to the sinner. What sweet relief when the spirit of forgiveness comes. It finally came to me. After a long period of struggle with help and comfort from Heavenly Father, the full richness of being able to completely forgive [my husband] came into my heart. (My Journey to Forgiving, Ensign, Feb. 1997, 40) Sometimes we must keep a place open in our heart for forgiveness, so when it finally comes we may welcome it in. Finally, in order to forgive we must pray for the gift of charity. Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him (Moro. 7:48) When we are blessed with the gift of his love, we begin to see people as he sees them and we are able to respond to them as he would. In the book The Hiding Place, Corrie Ten Boom tells of her terrible experiences in a Nazi concentration camp after being caught hiding Jews. We can only imagine the terrible inhumanity and injustice suffered by those in the camps. She survived the camps, and shortly after the war, began to travel the country to teach people of love and forgiveness. In her words, It was at a church service in Munich that I saw him, the former S. S. man who had stood guard at the shower room door in the processing center at Ravensbruck. He was the first of our actual 7

8 jailers that I had seen since that time. And suddenly it was all there the roomful of mocking men, the heaps of our clothing, Betsie s pain-blanched face. He came up to me as the church was emptying, beaming and bowing. How grateful I am for your message, Fraulein, he said. To think that, as you say, He washed my sins away! His hand was thrust out to shake mine. And I, who had preached so often to the people in Bloemendaal the need to forgive, kept my hand at my side. Even as the angry, vengeful thoughts boiled through me, I saw the sin of them. Jesus Christ had died for this man; was I going to ask for more? Lord Jesus, I prayed, forgive me and help me to forgive him. I tried to smile. I struggled to raise my hand. I could not. I felt nothing, not the slightest spark of warmth or charity. And so again I breathed a silent prayer. Jesus, I cannot forgive him. Give me your forgiveness. As I took his hand the most incredible thing happened. From my shoulder along my arm and through my hand a current seemed to pass from me to him, while into my heart sprang a love for this stranger that almost overwhelmed me. And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world s healing hinges, but on His. When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself. (New York: Bantam Books, 1974, p. 238.) This I believe, is the key to developing a forgiving heart, a heart that is able to readily forgive offences against us, a heart that harbors love rather than hate, a heart like His. This is how we lay up a store of the Balm of Gilead to heal and bring peace to our wounded hearts. With desire, with faith, pray that this gift of His love may be bestowed upon you, that it may fill your heart. Make room for His love by removing resentment and letting it go. Withhold judgment and pray that you may see others as He does. Be willing to forgive others because you know that He is willing to forgive both them and you. May we walk each day with love in our hearts, for where love is, anger and resentment cannot be. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen. Rick Merrill Meadow Springs Ward Sunday, January 14,