You are Cordially Invited Attending Non-Jewish Social Gatherings and Holiday Parties

Transcription

1 1 You are Cordially Invited Attending Non-Jewish Social Gatherings and Holiday Parties I was employed by a marketing company with a few other Jews on the staff. Every year they would hold a generic holiday party at an event hall without ascribing it specifically to the non-jewish holidays presumably, the Jewish employees were welcome to view it as a Hanukah party. The company s general counsel (in other words, me) was able to establish that there would be no alcohol served, to avoid safety issues driving back from the party. This did not solve the problems of socializing and non-kosher refreshments. I would have been happy to find a way out of attending, but I was not eager to offend my employer and coworkers. In addition, bonus checks were given out at this affair, and showing up was the way to get the check. I consulted Rav Gershon Bess, 1 who said that I could attend and collect my check, on the condition that I not get too comfortable or stay for too long. In fact, he advised that I remain standing the entire time, rather than sitting down and settling in. Are we permitted to attend non-jewish social gatherings, whether personal or business related, as long as we stay away from alcohol? 2 What about company holiday parties? Can we go, and can we eat at such affairs if there is kosher food available? 3 Idolatry in Purity Many of the halachos related to attending and eating at non-jewish parties and other social events are derived from the prohibition against eating and drinking at non- Jewish weddings discussed in the Gemara. Rabbi Yishmael says, The Jews outside of Eretz Yisrael are idolaters in purity. Rashi explains that in purity means without intent they do not realize what they are doing. The Gemara continues, How so? An idolater makes a [wedding] celebration for his son and invites all the Jews in town. Even if they are eating their own [food] and drinking their own [beverages], and their own waiter serves them, the Torah considers them to be eating idolatrous sacrifices, as it says, And he will call you, and you will eat from his sacrifices (Shmos 34:15). Chazal raise a question: maybe the prohibition refers to actually eating from non- Jewish sacrifices, and not to simply going to the wedding and eating one s own [kosher] food there? Rava answers that if that were the case, the Torah would have only said, and you will eat from his sacrifices. Instead, we see that the passuk specifies, and he will call you. The prohibition begins with the invitation (Avodah Zarah 8a,b). Rashi explains 1 Rav Gershon Bess, a prominent posek in the United States, is the rav of Congregation Kehilas Yaakov in Los Angeles and an officer of the Rabbinical Council of California. 2 See Chapter 14, Nothing for Me, Thanks: Drinking with Non-Jews. 3 This chapter relates only to the question of eating kosher food at non-jewish social events. Any foods or beverages of questionable kashrus are forbidden in any case.

2 2 that if we were invited to a non-jewish wedding, anything we eat there is considered an idolatrous sacrifice. Based on the continuation of the Gemara, the Meiri comments, At any meal celebrating the wedding, the idolater will be worshipping his god. Even if he is not [actually] offering a sacrifice to it, he will at least thank his god. Participating in the celebration reinforces the idolater s gratitude to his deity. We learn from here that any celebration related to the wedding festivities for example, an engagement party, bridal shower, and the like would be included in the prohibition. 4 Severity of the Prohibition According to some opinions, the prohibition against eating and drinking at non-jewish weddings is Torah ordained (d Oriesa), for two reasons idolatry and intermarriage (chasnus). The Ritva 5 writes that the prohibition is Torah ordained, because of the concern for idolatry (Chiddushei HaRitva, Avodah Zarah 8a).The Taz 6 also rules that it is Torah ordained, although for a different reason the concern for intermarriage (Yoreh Deah 152:1). In Nekudos HaKesef 7 (ibid. 1), the Shach disagrees with the Taz and rules that the prohibition is of rabbinic origin (d rabbanan). He writes that the passuk and you will eat from his sacrifices is only an asmachta. It is not the actual source of the prohibition, but rather, support derived by Chazal from a passuk. However, the very fact that according to some opinions, the prohibition is d Oriesa should be enough to indicate its severity. Joey, a former talmid, was back home after learning in yeshivah in Jerusalem. Some time after his return to Toronto he ed me an interesting question. I ve been invited, along with my family, to a non-jewish family friend s country wedding on Saturday, August 25, beginning at 4:30 pm. The wedding is taking place outdoors at a tree farm, which is an hour and a half drive from my house. I didn t ask, but we can assume the wedding will be performed by an Anglican pastor, although the family is not religious. My family will probably be the only Jews there, with the majority being Anglicans (mainly non-religious). The wedding chuppah will be followed by a typical secular country wedding reception (dinner, live band, mixed dancing, beverages), and will probably go until midnight. My question, obviously, is: Can I go to this wedding [without violating Shabbos]? 4 See Avodah Zarah 8b and Shulchan Aruch Yoreh Deah 152:1 for detailed information on how long before and after the wedding the prohibition applies. 5 Major commentary on the Talmud by Rav Yom Tov ben Avraham of Seville ( ), a prominent Rishon. 6 Classic commentary on the entire Shulchan Aruch by Rav David HaLevi Segal ( ), rav, posek and rosh yeshivah in Poland. 7 A super-commentary on the Taz by Rav Shabse ben Meir HaKohen ( ), a leading halachic authority known by the name of his classic work Sifsei Kohen ( the Shach ), a super-commentary on Shulchan Aruch.

3 3 Joey then asked my opinion of various options for getting to the wedding without traveling or otherwise transgressing the laws of Shabbos. What he did not realize was that there was another problem which essentially made the Shabbos question academic: was he allowed to attend at all? I wrote back, From what I saw in this sugya, in this situation, you really should avoid going altogether (even leaving aside the Shabbos issues, which are not simple). 8 Double Trouble In a famous Shakespearean play written in the late 1590 s, a Jewish character named Shylock is invited to a non-jewish social dinner. Despite his extensive business contacts with non-jews he declines, saying, I will buy with you, sell with you, talk with you, walk with you, and so following, but I will not eat with you, drink with you, nor pray with you ( The Merchant of Venice I, iii, 35-37). Idolatry The Rambam explains that the reason for the prohibition against eating at a non- Jewish wedding is due to the concern for idolatry (Hilchos Avodah Zarah 9:15): If an idolater makes a celebration for his son or daughter, it is forbidden to benefit from his meal. Even for the Jew to eat and drink his own [food or beverage] is forbidden, because this would still be eating and drinking at a non-jewish party. This is also the ruling of the Shulchan Aruch: it is forbidden for a Jew to eat at a non-jewish wedding, even if he is eating his own food, served by his own waiter (Yoreh Deah 152:1). The Rambam goes on to explain the reason for these precautions, explicitly designed to establish a distance from non-jews. It is because of idolatrous services, as it says, And he will call you and you will eat from his sacrifices, and you will take his daughters for your sons, and his daughters will stray [after their gods, and they will cause your sons to stray after their gods] (Shmos 34:16). In other words, the Rambam tells us that socializing at non-jewish parties is not only a kashrus issue it is forbidden to eat even our own kosher food at this type of affair. The primary concern is for activities related to idol worship which may take place at the party. The Torah Temimah 9 (Shmos 34:15, note 19) writes that apparently, the reason behind the prohibition is that the closeness engendered by eating and drinking together with non-jews can bring us close to idolatry. He cites Parashas Balak: And the nation ate, and bowed to their gods (Bamidbar 25:2). 10 Because of this danger, the Torah forbade us to eat and drink at such events, as a way of putting increased distance between Jews and non-jews. 8 Additional problems include being present for the religious rituals practiced by the Anglican pastor, maris ayin (see Chapter 4, How Will It Look? Business Meetings in Non-Kosher Restaurants), mixed dancing, and for a man, listening to a female vocalist at the event. There are poskim who rule that the dancing alone is reason enough to forbid attending; this is certainly true of a female vocalist (see below, Attending Office Holiday Parties ). 9 Commentary on Chumash and the Megillos which quotes and explains the Gemara and Midrash on the pessukim, by Rav Baruch HaLevi Epstein ( ). 10 And Israel dwelled in Shittim, and the nation began to behave immorally with the daughters of Moav. And they invited the nation to the sacrifices of their gods, and the nation ate and bowed to their gods. And Israel attached themselves to Baal Pe or, and Hashem s wrath flared against Israel (Bamidbar 25:1-3).

4 4 Eating and drinking together with non-jews establishes a certain camaraderie we are part of the crowd, engaged in an enjoyable shared activity. We may not know where or how to draw the line, so the Torah draws it for us: if we cannot join them for refreshments, we cannot become part of the social circle. Intermarriage Some poskim give another reason for the prohibition against eating and drinking at non-jewish weddings the risk of becoming involved with non-jewish women in this type of social setting. In his commentary on the Shulchan Aruch, the Taz writes that the primary reason for the prohibition against eating at these affairs is to prevent us from developing affectionate relationships with them (Yoreh Deah 152:1). Chazal forbade consumption of non-jewish bread and oil as safeguards against socializing with non-jews: They instituted a prohibition against non-jewish bread and oil because of their wine; against their wine because of their daughters; and against their daughters because of idolatry (Shabbos 17b, Rashi). 11 While intermarriage is an explicit and very serious prohibition on its own, 12 the hazards of intermarriage and idolatry are very closely linked, as we learn from the passuk which is the source of the prohibition: Lest you make a covenant with those who dwell in the land, and stray after their gods, and offer sacrifices to their gods, and he will invite you, and you will eat from his sacrifices, and you will take from his daughters for your sons, and his daughters will stray after their gods, and cause your sons to stray after their gods (Shmos 34:15-16). We should not make a covenant with a non-jew because it will lead us straight into trouble. At first it will seem innocent enough we will only be having a bite together. Once we are there and part of the group, we will be influenced by their views and behavior. From there, the road to relationships with non-jewish women and ultimately, idolatry, is wide open. As Rashi writes, Do you think there is no punishment in eating? I consider [eating to be] as if you acknowledge his deity, which will lead you to take his daughters. Apparently these were not exclusively Jewish concerns. The Catholic Church instituted a few safeguards of its own to impose a distance between Christians and Jews, with rather severe penalties. The Synod of Elvira 13 held in Elvira, Spain, ca , issued eighty-one canons for members of their faith. Canon no. 16 was a prohibition against intermarriage with Jews, and canon no. 50 forbade eating together with Jews! 14 A number of Achronim, among them Rav Avraham Azulai 15 in Chesed L Avraham, discuss whether the prohibition of eating at a non-jewish wedding applies to the 11 Some poskim rule that the prohibition does not apply to bread from a commercial bakery, only to bread baked at home (Yoreh Deah 112:1-2). The prohibition against non-jewish oil was not widely accepted, and was later abolished (Avodah Zarah 35b, Rashi). 12 Do not intermarry with them (Devarim 7:3). 13 A synod is a council of church and lay leaders convened to determine church doctrine or policy. The Synod of Elvira was attended by nineteen bishops and many other clergymen and laymen. 14 There have been a number of similar ordinances legislated both by the church and secular governments over the centuries. 15 Rav Avraham Azulai ( ), a distinguished rav and mekubal who lived in Morocco and Eretz Yisrael, was the author of numerous works of Torah and Kabbalah.

5 5 weddings of both idolaters and non-idolaters. If the only concern was idolatry, it is likely that the prohibition would only include idolaters. Chesed L Avraham rules that because of the additional concern for intermarriage, it applies to all non-jews, idolaters and non-idolaters alike (Responsa Chesed L Avrahom, Yoreh Deah 26; see also Responsa Chaim B Yad 29). Mishum Eivah Maintaining Cordial Relations A coworker, or even the boss, is getting married or marrying off a child. We would clearly prefer not to attend, but our business associate will not be pleased if we do not participate. In some cases, Chazal are lenient concerning rabbinical decrees mishum eivah, in order to prevent animosity in our dealings with non-jews. If we do attend the event, can we apply this leniency to permit eating at the wedding, in order to avoid ill-feeling? The Jerusalem Talmud (Gittin 5:9) asks a related question about interactions with non-jews on their holidays: may we do business with them (Korban HaEidah), or visit them socially (Pnei Moshe) on these days? 16 Chazal rule that even for the sake of darkei shalom (to maintain peaceful relationships), we are forbidden to do so. As we see, darkei shalom and mishum eivah are not blanket permits. In addition, as we said, according to the Ritva the prohibition against eating at a non- Jewish wedding is Torah ordained. It is akin to partaking of idolatrous sacrifices, and the fact that this prohibition is d Oriesa overrides any possible repercussions of eivah. He writes that even in our times [when most non-jews are not likely to be pagans], the prohibition still stands. The Taz quotes the ruling of the Shulchan Aruch: It is forbidden to eat there [at a non-jewish wedding]. He writes that the Drishah 17 was unsure if there is room for leniency on this issue because of the concern for eivah. The Taz is surprised that so distinguished a talmid chacham as the Drishah could have any doubts the Torah specifically commands that there be eivah between Jews and non-jews, as a deterrent to intermarriage. How, then, can we permit it mishum eivah? He points out that there is no leniency mishum eivah even for a rabbinically ordained prohibition like bishul akum, 18 instituted to keep us at a distance because of the concern for intermarriage. The same would certainly be true of a Torah ordained prohibition. Even so, the Chazon Ish, 19 based on the opinion of the Ran, 20 clearly rules that we are permitted to be lenient in order to prevent animosity from non-jews. He explains that Rabbi Yishmael s statement, The Jews outside of Eretz Yisrael are idolaters in 16 See Chapter 16, Out of Season: Holiday Gifts and Greetings. 17 Commentary on the Tur by Rabbi Yehoshua HaKohen Falk ( ), one of the great Polish Achronim, author of Sefer Me iras Einayim, a major commentary on Shulchan Aruch Choshen Mishpat known as the Sema. 18 Eating food cooked by a non-jew. 19 Rav Avraham Yeshayahu Karelitz of Bnei Brak ( ), known by the title of his halachic works as the Chazon Ish, was an outstanding halachic authority and Torah leader whose influence is still felt decades after his passing. 20 Rabbenu Nissim ben Reuven of Gerona ( ), a Spanish Rishon, was the great halachic authority of his times and the author of a commentary on the Rif and part of the Talmud.

6 6 purity, and the discussion which follows in the Gemara, relate to a situation where a Jew eats at a non-jewish wedding, even when he could have refrained without causing ill feeling. This behavior is considered serving idols in purity. However, if there is no other way to prevent animosity, it would be permitted to eat at the wedding (Chazon Ish, Hilchos Avodas Kochavim 62:12). The Scope of the Prohibition What is the scope of this prohibition? Does it only include wedding festivities per se, or other gatherings and events as well? From the Gemara, Rambam, and Shulchan Aruch, it appears that the main issue is non-jewish wedding celebrations. The Levush writes that Chazal forbade eating and drinking at a non-jew s celebration, such as the wedding of his son or daughter, implying that the prohibition is broader than just weddings. However, continues the Levush, eating and drinking kosher food at other types of meals for the purpose of darkei shalom is permitted. Apparently, according to the Levush, if there is a legitimate reason for us to attend events other than weddings and related gatherings, and certainly in order to maintain good relations with non-jews, it would be permitted to eat and drink there. A stricter opinion in the Tanna Dve Eliyahu 21 extends the prohibition to eating with non-jews under any circumstances: One should always be careful not to eat with a non-jew at the same table, for one who eats at the table with a non-jew is severely punished, and is eating from idolatrous sacrifices. In proof, the Tanna Dve Eliyahu cites the case of Chizkiyahu, the king of Judea, who was punished harshly for eating at the table together with a non-jew (Tanna Dve Eliyahu, Eliyahu Rabbah, Chapter 8, quoted in Bereishis Rabbasi, Parashas Miketz, p. 206). In 1975, a questioner in the United States asked Rav Menashe Klein, author of Responsa Mishneh Halachos, if it is permitted to eat and drink kosher food at a non- Jewish party. In his response, Rav Klein cites the strict view of the Tanna Dve Eliyahu and explains, This means that it is forbidden to eat with a non-jew at one table even in one s own home, and not only at a non-jew s home. The Mishneh Halachos also cites the Levush, who rules that it is forbidden to eat and drink at a non-jewish wedding as an invited guest, but does permit eating and drinking at a gathering which promotes darkei shalom. He questions the Levush s lenient ruling which permits eating kosher food at meals other than weddings; as we see, the Tanna Dve Eliyahu writes that it is forbidden in general to eat with non-jews, without differentiating between wedding celebrations and other meals. Practically speaking, the Mishneh Halachos divides non-jewish gatherings into three categories. One is non-jewish weddings, where we should follow the ruling of the Taz: a Jew is forbidden to eat there, even at the expense of darkei shalom. If possible, we should not attend at all. The second is eating with non-jews at gatherings unrelated to wedding festivities, which would be permitted for the sake of fostering good relationships. 21 A midrash which is attributed to Eliyahu HaNavi.

7 7 The third is socializing for no purpose other than enjoyment, where there is no concrete gain in terms of darkei shalom. This is forbidden. As we learn from the Tanna Dve Eliyahu, a Jew may not eat at the same table as a non-jew even in the Jew s own home, and certainly not in a public dining room. While the Levush permits eating with non-jews for darkei shalom, the Mishneh Halachos writes that the Tanna Dve Eliyahu is not speaking about gatherings for the purpose of darkei shalom it refers to this third category, aimless socializing. To go and eat at a non-jewish party and celebrate with them of one s own free will is certainly forbidden Do not rejoice, Israel, do not be happy like the nations (Hoshea 9:1). He concludes with a very common issue which can be a major pitfall: It is very unfortunate that factories, offices and other workplaces hold holiday parties, with turkey and alcohol, attended by Jews and non-jews; there can be no greater cause of intermarriage. In particular, he mentions parties held before the Christian winter holidays. No Jew should ever attend these parties at all, and they have felled many victims in this country [the United States] (Mishneh Halachos, vol. VII, 118). It can often be difficult to distinguish between an event which falls into the second category (darkei shalom), where we would be permitted to eat, and one which is in the third category (strictly social), where we are forbidden to eat. In the workplace, an event may have elements of both darkei shalom, and casual socializing. In some cases non-attendance may not be that significant, but in others, it may affect our relationships with employers and coworkers, with potential repercussions on our job and prospects for promotion. I recently came across the following statement by an Orthodox Jew employed by a large company in New York: For some people, missing a holiday [party] has no career impact. For others, it might. I once had a senior executive (my boss boss) personally ask me whether my wife and I were attending the holiday party, and when I said No, he told me, Wrong answer. Norms, expectations, and the nature of events can vary widely in different industries, companies, and even in different branches or departments of the same firm. When I worked at a major international law firm in New York, company events, including the holiday party, were large, formal productions, held in event halls, rather than on company premises. Attendance bordered on mandatory, and the parties were not very social. As such, it is likely that they were in the second category, darkei shalom. I went in order to maintain positive relationships with my coworkers, and also to prevent stereotyping of Orthodox Jews as anti-social recluses. In contrast, holiday parties at the much smaller Los Angeles branch of the same firm were held at the partners homes, and they were considerably more personal and informal. It is possible that they were closer to the third category, casual socializing, due to the setting and the more relaxed atmosphere. The ruling of the Chochmas Adam 22 can help us determine when we may or may not eat at a given social event with non-jews. He writes that if the party is a seudas simchah, usually defined as an actual party, we are forbidden to eat there. If the 22 Summary of the halachos in Yoreh Deah by Rav Avraham Danzig ( ), author of Chayei Adam on Orach Chaim and Zichru Toras Moshe on hilchos Shabbos. Rav Danzig, a businessman for many years, eventually became a dayan in Vilna.

8 8 gathering is not a party per se, eating would be permitted (Chochmas Adam, Shaar Issur V Heter, Klal 87:12). Based on this, if the gathering is strictly social and not business, we would not be permitted to eat there. However, unless there is a problem of maris ayin, we can eat kosher food at business meetings, lunches and dinners, or at a restaurant with a client in order to attract or keep his business, because these are not parties. Separate Seating Let us say that we need to attend a non-jewish wedding (category number one) or a social event with no benefit in terms of darkei shalom (category number three). Eating and drinking there is not permitted. However, what if we are seated at a table only with other Jews would we be allowed to eat? The Beis Yosef 23 cites the Rambam, who implies that it would be permitted for Jews to eat their own kosher food at a non-jewish wedding if they are seated separately from the non-jews, effectively at their own separate gathering. The Beis Yosef disagrees. He writes that even under these circumstances, the Jew is still present at a non-jewish party, even if he is not actually sitting together with the non-jewish participants. Therefore, concludes the Beis Yosef, we cannot be lenient [about eating there] (Yoreh Deah 152). The New York law firm where I was employed held a very non-jewish holiday party, but made a special effort to be considerate of the Orthodox Jews on the staff. They kindly arranged for a separate kosher table at the party, where we were served labeled, wrapped kosher meals. Assuming that this was a social event with no practical benefits in terms of darkei shalom (category number three), was our separate table a mitigating factor enabling us to eat our kosher meals? According to the Rambam, apparently it was permitted; according to the Beis Yosef, probably not. Attending Office Holiday Parties At times it may be forbidden for us to attend an event or gathering altogether, even without eating there. For one, various circumstances, among them an inappropriate venue like the bar of a Las Vegas casino, may give rise to concerns of maris ayin and chashad, a prohibition on its own. 24 In addition, there will often be activities on the program which are prohibited by halachah, for example, mixed dancing. We obviously cannot participate, and according to some halachic opinions, we cannot even be present in the room, even if we personally are not dancing. 25 It is also forbidden for a Jewish man to be in the 23 An exhaustive commentary on the Tur written by Rav Yosef Karo ( ); the precursor of his definitive Shulchan Aruch. 24 See Chapter 4, How Will It Look? Business Meetings in Non-Kosher Restaurants. 25 Halichos Bas Yisrael (Chapter 7, footnote 35) cites the pesak of Rav Ben Tzion Abba Shaul regarding women attending Jewish weddings with mixed dancing. They can be lenient and remain in the room while the dancing is going on, unless it is likely that they will be pressured to join in. Even so, it is still preferable even for women to stay only for the chuppah or sheva brachos, where there is no dancing.

9 9 room or within hearing range of a female vocalist, because of the prohibition of kol ishah. 26 Third, if the party explicitly celebrates a non-jewish holiday, we are forbidden to attend. Rav Doniel Neustadt 27 elaborates on the question of whether or not a Jewish employee is permitted to attend a company party held for a non-jewish holiday. He writes that it depends on the type of party the company is having. Many times, a company s holiday party has nothing to do with the celebration of the holiday. It may instead be an employee appreciation party, which happens to be held during the non-jewish holiday season; in that case, there is no halachic objection to attending. But if the intention of the party is to celebrate the actual non-jewish holiday, it would be forbidden for a Jew to attend. However, Rav Neustadt points out that even if the party is not intended to celebrate a non-jewish holiday, non-jewish office parties are hardly the place for an observant Jew to be. 28 The mode of dress, the type of language and the loose behavior at such affairs is completely alien and contrary to everything that Yiddishkeit stands for. He concludes that we should only attend if there is no other choice and leave as quickly as possible, because lingering in such an environment can lead to serious transgression of many Torah laws (Rav Doniel Neustadt, Attending Holiday Parties ). My wife was not at all the typical employee at the small financial evaluations firm where she worked in Los Angeles. The other eight or nine employees were all non- Jewish. Most of them had no acquaintance with Jews at all, and certainly not with any who were Orthodox. Winter arrived, and she was invited to the company holiday party. On the program were non-kosher food and drinks, including alcoholic beverages, and an exchange of gifts, with each employee bringing a gift to a specified coworker. All this would take place under the decorated tree in the lobby of the offices, during work hours. On the one hand, the party would be held on company premises and on company time, and in essence, was mandatory. In such a small firm, her absence would be immediately, glaringly apparent. On the other, the halachic problems were so obvious and so numerous that it seemed impossible for her to attend. We consulted with a rav, who told us that she could not attend. This was not a generic holiday party it was a party for a very specific non-jewish holiday, with all the trimmings. The scheduled activities, including the exchange of gifts and festivities under the tree, were forbidden as chukas hagoyim. 29 My wife s solution was to make a doctor s appointment, an acceptable excuse for her to absent herself from the 26 A Jewish man is not permitted to listen to a woman sing. See Hegyonei HaParashah, Shmos, Kuntres on Kol Ishah, for a detailed treatment of this prohibition. 27 Rav Neustadt, a rav and educator in the United States, is the chairman of the Vaad HaRabbanim of Detroit, Michigan, and the author of several works on halachic topics in English. 28 Thanksgiving, a national holiday in the United States, is usually a vacation day which is not celebrated in the workplace. The propriety of celebrating this day is beyond the scope of this chapter. 29 Literally, the traditions of the non-jewish nations. The Torah forbids us to adopt non-jewish activities, dress, customs, and behavior (Vayikra 18:3). A discussion of the specifics of this prohibition based on the rulings of the Rishonim and Achronim is beyond the scope of this chapter (see Otzar HaKippah, Shaar Rishon, Chapter 11).

10 10 premises during the party. She left a gift on her assigned coworker s desk nowhere near the tree. 30 Expect the Unexpected When it comes to holiday parties and other workplace events, we should be prepared for any eventuality. As a friend discovered very early in his career, office parties can be a less than enjoyable experience for an Orthodox Jew. Harry recalls, I had just started working at my first job in a big Manhattan law firm, following a year learning in Israel after law school. I was at the firm s holiday party (where they were kind enough to order kosher food for me). During the party, one of the partners, who happened to be Jewish, walked over to me and asked me to hold his plate of food so that he could go to the men s room. I took a look at the plate and saw that it was filled with shrimp. I explained that I couldn t hold his plate because it had shrimp on it. He loudly exclaimed, Harry, I m not asking you to eat it. I m only asking you to hold it! I was forced to explain the concept of maris ayin to him. He rolled his eyes and found someone else to hold his plate. 30 See Chapter 16, Out of Season - Holiday Gifts and Greetings for a detailed discussion of when we may and may not give holiday gifts to non-jews.