Coping with Loss Practical Advice

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2 Loss: Similar experiences of grief and loss can occur for a wide range of events, whether personal or of someone close to you: unemployment serious illness personal offence a loved one hurt marriage failure death of a loved one miscarriage ecclesial dispute rebellious child

3 Kübler-Ross stated that these steps do not necessarily come in the order noted above, nor are all steps experienced by all people, though she stated a person will always experience at least two. Often, people will experience several stages in a roller coaster" effect switching between two or more stages, returning to one or more several times before working through them.

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5 What to do: If you are grieving, some things you can do to help yourself include: Allow your emotions to be fully expressed. Seek solace in our community. Seek comforting rituals funeral, memorial service. Read and learn about death-related grief responses. Attend a support group. Seek therapy with a trained counsellor/psychologist. Write down your thoughts and feelings. Eat well. Exercise. Get plenty of rest. Avoid major changes in residence or job status.

6 The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassions, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross One thing we know and are assured of is that the loss you suffer is felt by our heavenly Father, for Alison was His daughter also. Likewise our Lord Jesus Christ who had compassion on those he healed in the days of his pilgrimage will have the same compassion towards his brethren and sisters now." A Brother to Dianne and I after our daughter s death

7 The Grief Process: It is an unchartered trip a zigzag or a circle, not straightforward. It is a series of firsts. There is no timetable, it is a time consuming process, take one day at a time - Matt. 6:34. It takes 1½ to 2 years before emotions change. It takes from 1 to 3 years to become stable again if grief is resolved or uncomplicated. There are good and bad ways to grieve. You do not honour the dead by dying with them. Time alone does not heal. You choose to heal, it takes hard work, a great deal of effort. Grieving mends the spirit and heals the heart. Let your emotions out, let them run their course, don't fight them. Not letting them out hinders the healing process, it leads to bitterness if unresolved. We are overcoming when we stop focusing exclusively on our own hurt.

8 Grief I had my own notion of grief. I thought it was the sad time That followed the death of someone you love. And you had to push through it To get to the other side. But I'm learning there is no other side. There is no pushing through. But rather, There is absorption. Adjustment. Acceptance. And grief is not something you complete, But rather, you endure. Grief is not a task to finish And move on, But an element of yourself- An alteration of your being. A new way of seeing. A new definition of self. by Gwen Flowers

9 Tears: Gen. 23:2 - Abraham for Sarah. Gen. 37:35 - Jacob for lost Joseph. Gen. 50:1 - Joseph for Jacob. Deut. 34:8 - Israel for Moses. 2 Sam. 1:12 - David & men for Saul & Jonathan. 2 Sam. 3:32 - David for Abner. 2 Sam. 12:21 - David for Bathsheba's son. 2 Sam. 13:36 - David & men for Amnon. 2 Sam. 18:33 - David for Absalom. Matt. 2: 18 - women for children. Acts 9:39 - women for Dorcas. 1 Thess. 4:13 grieve, not as others It is OK to grieve. Don't say I'm fine" when you are not. Grief is not inconsistent with faith. Mixed emotions can exist - laugh/sad, believe/doubt, joy/pain.

10 What to do to Help: Visit the bereaved - Job 2:11; John 11:19; attend the funeral. Your presence says more than words, avoid avoiding the bereaved, don't be put off if you are not wanted, try and try again. You won't feel good about going, but go. The bereaved needs company, they gain comfort from your presence, your acceptance of them, your consolation, they need warm affection and encouragement. Demonstrate that you do want to share their burden. Don't be ashamed of tears, they are a healthy release of emotion, weep with them that do weep - Rom. 12:15.

11 Say: I care" and God cares." what the dead meant to you, mention their name, reminisce, this gives the bereaved permission" to talk if they want to. What help can I be?", How are you going?" No clichés such as:- He had a good life." He is out of pain." She would not want you to grieve." You must keep up for the children's sake." You are young, you will find another partner if you pray about it." You don't need to say anything special. You don't know how they feel. Listen. Learn how to be a good listener.

12 What to do to Help: Encourage the bereaved to talk, it helps them to clarify their own feelings, to release emotion and receive reassurance. Be warm and friendly in good times so that your help will be more readily received in bad times. Be patient and understanding, do not judge. You can't make them feel better, there is no comfort. Send messages - cards and letters - 2 Sam. 10:1-2, write of your love and respect, of your memories of the one who has died, by name. Telephone or write at later times, especially anniversaries and birthdays. Give food they are not able to think about cooking and shopping at this time. Bring flowers to brighten and beautify. Go for walks with the bereaved. Pray for them, and tell them you have.

13 Learning from Grief and Loss: 1. Expectations Job 2:10 receive good and evil. God doesn't owe us anything, no promise of a life free from pain and disappointment. John 11:35 - Jesus wept. Crisis inevitable - Job 5:7 (trouble); Gen. 3:19. Expect the unexpected unsettling, irritating, confusing experiences. Don't expect to be an exception. 2. God s Care God is totally in control, He is never disinterested. We are ever in God's vision, God is with us - 1 Pet. 5:7. He promises we will not be alone - Psa. 23:4. He helps in our time of need Heb. 4:16.

14 Learning from Grief and Loss: 3. Trial of Faith (James 1:3; 1 Peter 1:7) Faith is our life raft, we have nothing else. God will never do anything to undermine our faith, to destroy the need for faith. Faith is not unchallenged for long. God tests our faith because faith is His first priority - Heb. 11:6. Opportunities for faith to grow are many, so use these experiences to grow in faith. We have proven that faith is sound at other times - Psa. 77:11. God permits us to experience struggle - James 1:2-3; Rom. 5:3-4. He permits difficulties to occur. Trial has a purpose, not a cause Job 2:3; Heb. 12: We should be exercised thereby. God will not intervene to take away our freedom of choice do good or evil.

15 1 Cor. 10:13 there is no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able. Refers to temptation to idolatry/demons (:7, 14, 19-21, 28), not trials of faith. The rest of the verse shows this but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. Wherefore, my dearly beloved, flee from idolatry. There is no escape from the trials of our faith. Life can be too much to bear (Num. 11:14-15; Deut. 1:9, 12). Not being able to cope is not therefore a sign of weakness of faith, or lack of faith. Telling someone who is not coping that they should be, makes them feel even worse.

16 Learning from Grief and Loss: 4. God s Sovereignty Accept Him as the unchanging God. Learn to trust Him - Phil. 4:4-7; John 20:29; Psa. 34:18. He works though a chaotic history (eg Israel in OT). God never makes mistakes, so be content, never give up your basic faith - Job 42:7-8; 2:10. There is no theology of a helpless God. 5. Preparation We are now in training for the rest of our lives and for the Kingdom. Difficulties are to be worked through not avoided. God won't let you down, or let you off! Study the subject of Providence, have a worldview" that has God in every part.

17 Learning from Grief and Loss: 6. Future Scars never disappear, loss is always there, private cries of grief continue. We are forever changed, we are different people, we will never be the same person as we were. The resurrection becomes more significant. Rev. 7:17 - no tears. Rev. 21:4 - no tears, no death, no sorrow, no crying, no pain.

18 Preparation for the Kingdom: Consider the first days after Christ and his Bride appear to the world. Catastrophic world-wide earthquake. World War 3. Essential services cut off water, power, sanitation. Death, severe injuries, disease, hunger, thirst, grief.

19 Chile 2010

20 Port-au-Prince 2010

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22 Psalm 72 :2 He will judge your people in righteousness, your afflicted ones with justice. :4 He will defend the afflicted among the people and save the children of the needy. :12-14 For he will deliver the needy who cry out, the afflicted who have no one to help. He will take pity on the weak and the needy and save the needy from death. He will rescue them from oppression and violence, for precious is their blood in his sight. The everlasting gospel (Rev. 14:6) must be accompanied by healing and feeding just like Jesus did 2,000 years ago!

23 Preparing for the Kingdom: Forgiveness requires people to sin against us. Patience requires irritating circumstances. Longsuffering requires long-term problems. Integrity requires promises that are difficult to keep. Prudence requires opportunities to be indiscreet. Compassion requires exposure to the problems of others.

24 Preparing for the Kingdom: In that great picture of the judgment seat, presented to us by the Lord Jesus Christ, the righteous are commended for their positive virtues, and the wicked are condemned for their sins of omission. We are shown what is required by many shining examples. Men who manifested their faith by their works, and who took their place in the world of action. They could rejoice or sorrow, they could abound or be abased, they could hold the reins of temporal power or be driven to ignominy and death, and in all their experience find some exercise to prepare them for the life which is to come. We are exhorted to work, not as men pleasers, but as in the sight of God, doing all things heartily as unto Him. This is a most helpful thought, supplying us as it does with an eternal object, even in the ordinary experiences of every day, and drawing us close to God even while we are engaged in temporal pursuits. Brother Islip Collyer, The Christadelphian, 1909, page 266

25 We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. (Rom. 8:22-23 NIV)