Thoughtful Comments from Various Zen Students

Transcription

1 Thoughtful Comments from Various Zen Students On Paying Attention [Student #1] I was talking with Mitra Roshi shortly before the sun crested the mountain ridge, just east of the monastery. I had left the lights in the zendo on that evening. That is what prompted the conversation. I broke my routine, leaving the zendo because of a chore. In so doing I neglected a healthy habit turning the lights off. Inattention can accompany the comfort of a routine, even a good one. Living and practicing at Mountain Gate full-time, paying attention is becoming a progressively more subtle act. Distractions are equally coming up in more and more subtle ways, different iterations of who I think I need to be. When they do, I generally do not at first realize it. Usually there is some kind of fear there: fear of who I might be; fear of not being who I think I need to be. I was abused as a young child and being the right person became a way to navigate life-or-death situations. Being the right person meant having to contrive assumptions about life and myself instead of directly experiencing them. I have been recently recovering buried memories of these episodes. They had been holding hostage my experiences of joy in being alive and they robbed me of an ability to be present for much of my life. Coming from these experiences and moving into adulthood has been a practice and something I have had to work with in my Zen practice. Not all situations are life and death in the same sense and not every person I encounter is abusive. Emotions are an inherent part of our experience as humans, and emotional confusion seems to be an almost ubiquitous challenge for people. Zen to me means an ability to do something inherently human: meet people wherever they are. In order for me to do this I have to be open to others and to the challenges they are undergoing in a naked way. In order to be vulnerable to others, I have to be vulnerable to myself and look at all the things holding me hostage. I no longer see vulnerability as something separate from my Zen practice. Roshi says from time to time that, bodhisattvas leave no traces. When we leave remnants of activity for others to attend to, other have to pick up our slack; also, the state of mind with which we undertake a task is left behind for others to deal with. But here we get to interact and support one another. Zen allows us to have a state of mind that truly supports others. Paying attention gives us the benefit of being able to let go of things that cause us suffering. We aren t present because we think we need to keep ourselves separate from the world around us; we edit, pamper, censor, and adorn this contrived self out of habit. But just being in touch with the way things actually are is in and of itself inherently more joyful and natural. Learning there is nothing to actually protect is our Zen practice. I can use attention and awareness practice to allow conditioning to have something to hit up against. My attention can then become like a spotlight. When I notice something trying to pull me away from the present and attend to it, entropy naturally takes place; the contrived parts of who I think I need to be naturally decay and leave trustworthy experience. The Denial of Death [Student #2] I m...wondering what you think of Ernest Beck- Oak Tree in the Garden March-April 2018 page 1

2 er s work The Denial of Death. It feels viscerally enlightening (in the small e sense) to me. Hard to swallow in many ways. But the notion that fear of death and meaninglessness is the core of all human anxiety seems right on. The Great Matter is put on the table. Maybe I and many others look to Zen to soothe our dread of death and meaninglessness, which our developed brains aren t stupid enough not to notice, in order to explain those things away when in fact they cannot be explained away. Of course there are all sorts of attending circumstances parents, cultures, traumas but basically it is every human s dilemma to know that death of this body is inevitable and there is no easily understood meaning or purpose to it. Thus for those of us who mightily fight against the reality of death and loss, tinnitus or loss or trauma has us scrambling desperately to either rid ourselves of these clues to what we dread or to give them some New Agey meaning. So what? Well, for me this is an opening to giving up and letting go, though I can detect my habits of denial are pretty firmly rooted. Becker talks about transference as a means of seeking immortality and meaning, giving people and constructs a protective godly role. Scrambling anxious humans. Just sitting with this seems like a formidable task! This is a long, conceptual bunch of words, but I believe I ve uncorked some sulphur smelling part of my (and all humans ) deepest fears and resistance to reality. It seems obvious to me and I think I ve come around to this several times in my life, but then quickly flitted to something more comforting. Onward to the cushion and teaching. Practice Under Stress [Student #3, who was doing a Term Intensive at the time while also working a full time job] Day 12 was a gigantic whirlwind with phone calls coming in at 1130pm the night before and fires to put out right at 530am and through the entire day. I had no time to do zazen that day a sprint and filled with intensity. But I did the breaths and sutra and found pockets to re-center which helped Day 13 completed with zazen and breaths and thankfully much less intensity Day 14 (today) another whirlwind of craziness but zazen will be complete before I go to bed. The advice of going straight into the dragon s den is helping immensely as my body opens to new or old rather sensations that I have been protecting myself from for years. Allowing those feelings to be a natural part of my breathing and my life... Onward Roshi s comments: When you have those days of hyper-intensity where all you can do is a breath or two but no traditional zazen, your practice is to become absolutely One with the moment just-as-it-is i.e., total focus, total presence (including whatever especially funky sensations are rumbling through your body/ mind). When this is done properly there is no one doing it, just the phone call being responded to, the fires being put out from a place of total presence. It becomes exhilarating and no problem at all despite the incredible hours and the intensity of it. Thanks Mitra Roshi; Days 8-10 (Friday to Sunday) complete and day 11 (Monday) almost complete. The days have been very busy and somewhat overwhelming but your advice to go directly into the painful uncomfortable scary feelings have been useful. I ve been doing just that as I ve confronted the challenges that the days brought. As I do that it feels as though frozen spots in my head melt just a little bit. We saw the President speak today which was an experience. On to bed and another day tomorrow! [And later, from the same student:] Hello Mitra Roshi! Happy new year. It s hard to believe it s already been over a full month into It s been a nice Oak Tree in the Garden March-April 2018 page 2

3 slow start to 2018 for all of us. [My wife s] health is improving drastically. We re all eating better and exercising more and and spending more time together as a family. On March 14 I transition into a new position at work, which means longer hours and greater responsibility but I m looking forward to the challenge! And I m also a little terrified at the same time. ;-) I m wondering if you have any advice for me as far as deepening my practice? My day to day routine is already the same as the TI s that I did last year and that s wonderful but I m looking for an added push, a reminder that this is indeed life on the line work. Another TI may be the right way to do it because of the formal commitment element, but I m already stretched rather thin for time with my regular practice schedule so adding more practice may not be the wise approach. Do you have any ideas? from Roshi: Greetings! I m so glad to hear that [your wife s] health is improving and that you re all doing more as a family! This is important for all of you; nurturing each other, having fun together, and all the good things that can come forth through that including increased awareness of the best parts of everyone and with it, a focus on increased compassion; this will enrich all of you and help the boys grow up in healthy, happy ways! As for your Zen practice, keep up the zazen you re doing now and because you can t do more at this time, make it really count. Focus more completely, dare to move deeper into the innermost unknown, allow yourself to embrace whatever energies arise and be curious about them. Off the cushion, focus ever more clearly, developing that habit of increasing presence including awareness of whenever sticky energy comes up. Increase awareness of any reactivity that may show up in your behavior, speech or thought. Deepening your practice in this way is truly part of the 360-Degree Practice that is so vital! And congratulations on your new position! That should offer you lots of opportunities for deepening practice!!! The following writing is by Sozui-sensei: Cultivating the mental state of loving kindness and compassion Metta meditation, or often loving-kindness meditation, is the practice concerned with the cultivation of Metta, i.e. benevolence, kindness and amity. The practice generally consists of silent repetitions of phrases like may I/you be happy or may I/you be free from suffering. Focusing on compassion we wish ourselves/a being to be free from suffering; focusing on loving-kindness we are wishing ourselves/a being happiness. Modern psychology recognizes both, the importance to down-regulate negative emotion and to up-regulate positive emotion. Metta meditation is frequently recommended to the Buddha s followers in the Pali canon. The canon generally advises radiating metta in each of the six directions, to whatever beings there may be. Traditionally the practice gradually increases in difficulty with respect to the targets that receive the practitioners compassion or loving-kindness. At first the practitioner is targeting oneself, then loved ones, neutral ones, difficult ones and finally all beings. However given the fact that we are, at bottom, not separate from each other it makes sense to simplify the practice to offering intentions of loving kindness towards ourselves, which ultimately includes all beings. When practicing loving-kindness meditation, we gently repeat intentions of loving kindness, directing a positive energy of feeling, called Metta, towards others, as well as ourselves. Metta refers to a mental state of unselfish and unconditional kindness to all beings. The phrases are not used as a mantra that loses its meaning with repetition. Rather, the [intentions of loving kindness] phrases are intended to keep one s attentional focus. The phrases are used mindfully each time, bringing one s full awareness to the phrases, their meaning, and the feelings they bring up. In the process we may experience pleasant, unpleasant or neutral feelings and sensations. I.e. When we experience resistance or unpleasant sensations it is important not to suppress these, but rather we allow ourselves to experience the felt-sense of the resistance in our body. Is there tension? Where in our body is it? Are there sensations of heat or cold page 3 Oak Tree in the Garden March-April 2018

4 etc...? What other sensations come up? Maybe there are warm and pleasant sensations as well. How do those feel? Repeating intentions of loving kindness towards ourselves and others, we get in touch with, cultivate and deepen a bodily feltsense, releasing tension and ultimately cultivating well being. Gradually our practice will effect our everyday life actions, the choices we make and how we perceive and respond when we interact with others. Compassion in action informed by wisdom There is a huge difference between pity and compassion. Kindness without wisdom tends to turn into pity. Without being aware of it we may take on a stance in which we are not equal to, but above the other person. We then will have a sense that I am doing something good and we might feel entitled to gratitude and will be frustrated when gratitude is not being expressed. True loving-kindness is unselfish and unconditional. This is one of the huge challenges e.g. caregivers face. Learned concepts of what it means to be a good person can get in the way of truly connecting with another human beings and the world around us. Timing is critical and we need to be aware that other people have different past experiences and thus different present interpretations of what we might consider kind and helpful. There is really no way to judge from the outside, in our heads, what is compassionate and kind at a given moment. The best we can do is getting in touch with our own deepest wisdom of the moment and respond from our own felt-sense and deepest wisdom, now. WHAT I KNOW: What do I know, but that in my life damage has been done-- by anger carried out in words and deeds, by unkindness flowing from my own self-hatred, involuted and thrown back on others; by my unwillingness to look and see how my hurt turns to abuse of other beings -- and how my ego grows to great self-righteousness by knowing I am right and others are so wrong; then wonder in the dark of night at pain that racks my body, mind and soul. These are the things I know, and in the incompleteness of my knowing -- can only grieve for what I do, for what we all do, holding up ourselves by standing on the necks of those who are our brothers. --Richard Wehrman Participants of a medical study on the effects of loving-kindness meditation share: - I find that I benefited from it just from the sheer fact of being aware, of paying attention to my moods and my feelings. So I could step back and be aware of them. I felt a little more in control, whereas before, anger just flares up. But now I have a little voice, recognizing that it s still there, but there will be a little version of myself stepping back and looking at this anger and maybe questioning it. - I really liked the philosophy about being compassionate, like an expanding compassion radiating from yourself to others; and when everyone does that then all feel sort of enlightened. I m literally more peaceful with myself and a little less harsh. - Everyone is sort of on the same wave length. If they are feeling really calm, it s like a contagious calm, and I start to feel that way [as well]. - I am very happy that I am able to be aware. In another way than before, and this gives me strength and energy I also discovered self-care, to give myself something good, to enjoy, and to integrate into daily life. One participant summarized his experience as follows: To practice meditation, particularly loving-kindness meditation, is a constructive way of coping with one s world of feelings, in contrast to simply enduring [it] in a passive way. Evidence-Based Complementary and Alternative Medicine, Volume 2015 (2015), Article ID Oak Tree in the Garden March-April 2018 page 4

5 Teisho, Day 6, January 2018 The weather station here at Mountain Gate says it is raining right now. And yet if you look out the window, you see blue sky with a few wispy high clouds. That blue sky shines clear and bright. Our true mind is like that blue sky, utterly clear, always. Clouds come and go, storms come and go, feelings come and go, thoughts come and go. But our conditioning, creating habit patterns, conjures up a false sense of self just like that weather station misreading the current weather conditions in Ojo Sarco. That false sense of self then misinterprets what happens in our lives and gets caught in pain and pleasure, chasing after happiness, assuming that happiness is a permanent thing that we can have if only other people or circumstances would allow us to to do so. Other people are not creating our mind states. Those mind states and our reactions bred of them are in response to our interpretation of what appears to be, filtered through the self image born of conditioning. We get embarrassed. Our assumptions about how people appear to feel about us can upset us. We get angry, we get sad, assuming that self image is who we really are. The antidote is attention, awareness, mindfulness. When a person is assigned to taking the trash containers up to the road on trash day, placing them as required, and then without having to be asked, is attentive enough to bring them back down after they have been emptied, this is practicing awareness; this is attention in action. On the other hand, when we work in an environment and leave traces lights on, water running unnecessarily, items taken out to use and then left for others to deal with it s clearly expressing a lack of attention. And when we skim over the surface of life in that way we miss something most precious: the joy of truly living in this very moment. Attention is how we discover where we are caught in that self image, and from there we are increasingly able to let go and be caught in suffering. Kathleen Dowling Singh, who wrote The Grace in Dying and The Grace in Aging has written her final book, Unbinding the Grace Beyond Self, She died just a few months ago in this past year. Ms. Singh was both a psychotherapist and a person of deep spiritual practice. She uses the term grace in her books to avoid the trappings of terms such as God, Buddha-nature, etc. Here, in the chapter titled What Is Going On Here she speaks of samsara. Samsara is the realm of greed and delusion. The realm of illusion. Samsara...a product of conditioning and conditioned dynamics, all impersonal, should remind us to look closely at what is happening beneath the surface of appearances and assumptions. When we are feeling out of sorts or, if we are committed to Zen practice, anytime, no matter what we are feeling if we tune in and search deeply, and wordlessly, for what is beneath this feeling, what is beneath this supposed experience, we are well on our way to becoming free of samsara. She continues. We can recognize any level of dissatisfaction as an indication that our attention is trapped in ignorance. That ignorance is operating and churning out illusions. If we do not pay attention, we are not going to find a way out of this. We will keep cycling through old assumptions, old conditioning and reinforce that false self-image. Through this self-image we may identify as a victim, or as insufficient, someone not good enough; conversely, we may identify as someone really important or especially talented. Attention then becomes a doorway, a Dharma gate offering insight and liberation. If we pay close attention to what is going on, not analyzing intellectually but tuning into our body, feeling the energy of that discomfort, and diving beneath it as if you were diving beneath the waves in the ocean, the churning of emotion is at the top of the wave and we are able to reach into the calm beneath it. There is another aspect of this reaching deep within, beneath the level of assumed mind state, and that is curiosity. Where is this feeling coming from? Who is it that is feeling this? Attention to what is going on is the first and most important step, but then to bring forth a curiosity about this mind state, explore it not intellectually. We cannot solve this problem of suffering intellectually. We can get a good idea about it but we cannot become free of it. We have to allow ourselves to become aware of it and to search its source. As well, to search the source of the one who seems to be feeling this way. page 5 Oak Tree in the Garden March-April 2018

6 It is helpful to train ourselves to remember that when stress and unease arise, curiosity is one the most beneficial responses. The kindest and wisest thing we can do for ourselves is to ask, What is really going on here? It s vital to stay out of the story because the story is just going to recycle the stress, the anxiety, the suffering. But when we ask ourselves wordlessly what is really going on here, we are stepping out of the story and through this we have the possibility of opening to what actually is and the freedom that can come through recognizing that. That curiosity is not something where, as the breath goes out we say again and again, What is this, What is this, What is this, What is this. The search is beyond words: What is really going on here? Feel your way into the dark in search of the true answer. Drop deep into the stillness, beneath the suffering, and search, not like you are searching through an encyclopedia, but as if you re lost in the woods in the dark and you need to intuit your way home. What may come forth is insight, though it may not seem directly related to the search. And through insight after insight comes increasing freedom from suffering. Of course discomfort comes in many different forms, driven by habit patterns of mind. We assume things about ourselves and others and we have all kinds of reactions to this. Feeling insulted, feeling embarrassed, feeling put upon, feeling not good enough all these are figments of our imagination, conditioned by our habit patterns of assumptions, driven by our deep investment in a self-image born of those assumptions. Things happen. People say and do things and we draw conclusions about ourselves as a result. The biggest conclusion is that I exist. But the truth is that who we really are is a changing landscape of experience. There is no fixed self. It is difficult to become free of that false, seemingly permanent self. However, as you engage that curiosity, as you bring about that attention really focusing in each moment, you will move into a deeper and deeper ability to gain insight into what really is. Kathleen continues, Our willingness to see the hidden dynamics that have brought our lives up close and personal, can pop us out of entrapment in endless mindless circularity. Inquiry is a creative act in that it introduces a new factor to that conditioned system. It disrupts the cogs... throwing a monkey wrench into our usual assumptions. And that can allow us to sit up and take notice: Maybe it is not how I assume it is! Engaging true attention every moment of the day and inquiry into what is going on, can indeed pop us out of entrapment. When we are engaged in a task, the attention to the task is foremost. But if there is a pause or we find ourself caught in a mind state distant from the task at hand, then it is most helpful to pause and search wordlessly for the source of that mind state. Who is it that is feeling that way? We don t do both at the same time; it s either full attention to the task or full attention to the outbreath and the wordless search. In the zendo attention to the outbreath as a vehicle for the curiosity and openness to possibility is foremost. That is the path toward awakening. Attention and curiosity, as Ms. Singh writes, disrupts the cogs. With that, our automatic conditioning cannot operate as usual at least temporarily and right there is a Dharma gate. Enter into possibility and see what is really going on. In seeing through to what is really going on, we begin to free ourselves from those automatic assumptions that drive us and we begin to step towards the innate freedom that is our birthright. Eleventh century mystic Hildegard Von Bingen noted, An interpreted world is not home. Peace Pilgrim was a contemporary woman who walked back and forth across the United States, demonstrating not demonstarting for, but embodying peace. In one of her earliest experiences, she was working at a dime store; there were several cash registers in her cashier station at the store. At one point she did not have enough change to complete a sale so she went to the cash register behind her one not assigned to her and pulled out the change. The floor worker saw this and hauled her in for interrogation. Her supervisor became exceedingly defensive when Peace said she had not been told not to do so, and the relationship immediately soured. The woman was quite angry and negative toward her. But Peace decided that she needed Oak Tree in the Garden March-April 2018 page 6

7 to do something to help the woman feel better. Noticing that there was a vase of wilted flowers in the woman s office, the next morning Peace came with flowers out of her garden and quietly put them in the vase while the woman was out of her office. In all interactions she clearly honored the woman. Gradually over time they became good friends. She didn t make these gestures as a calculation, but because she honestly felt like honoring everyone. She saw that her superviser was unhappy and honestly wanted to help relieve that unhappiness. Peace had had some level of enlightenment early in her life which would eventually inspired her to walk for the rest of her life to bring peace to the degree that she could through simply being peace and honoring everyone she met. You can learn more about her life if you Google Peace Pilgrim. Peace Pilgrim is not the only person to step out of herself; that potential is ours as well. Our life changes when we let go. It makes a huge difference. Many, many years ago when I was in a checkout line at a grocery store where the clerk was in a really negative mind state. She was clearly irritated and I suddenly realized it was not about me. She was just having a difficult time that night. It was the first moment of freedom from my self-image of being a victim and there was such inherent freedom in that insight. It would not have been possible without years of the zazen, increasing attention, and a certain amount of psychotherapy. Continuing with Kathleen Dowling Singh, With growing wisdom [which comes forth from attention and curiosity] we come to recognize without a doubt that the cycle of suffering is allowed and determined in conceptual mind. When conceptual mind is allowed to operate unconsciously without mindful attention, it allows the condition of dependent arising to proceed and proliferate. The ensuing cycle produces the complex mistaken mental image of a separate self. Right there is the recipe for suffering. We feel we have to protect that separate self. We have to defend that separate self. We see through the distorted lens of that separate self and interpret things through it. The result is challenge, difficulty, pain, and suffering. Attention and curiosity. Attention and curiosity: This is our ticket to liberation. Occasional attention, periodic curiosity is insufficient. If we really want to be free, we need to attend with every fiber of our body. We need to pay attention all the time. We attend to our surroundings when we re out and about. And when we are on the cushion we attend by extending the outbreath, letting the curiosity ride on that outbreath seeking the source. Radical responsibility for our own suffering, seeing it which we do through our attention and curiosity owning it which is our choice once we see it releasing our attention from identification with ego another choice is a sign of our maturing depth as practitioners. We perceive as inappropriate our dysfunctional behavior; in seeing it and with the remorse that comes up around it, the awareness of the artificiality of it, we reach a point where we can easily choose to not engage it again. With this our life begins to shift in positive directions. Such responsibility or accountability...rests upon a clear recognition. Seeing this suffering, which is the first Noble Truth, is the first step in cultivating compassion for ourselves and for our suffering world, a world saturated and permeated by the universal egoistic capacity for destructive hate and exploitive greed. It is in every significant and meaningful sense our responsibility to awaken and offer awakened presence. Vesak the celebration of the Buddha s Birthday, Enlightenment, and Passing Away is traditionally celebrated in Buddhist centers throughout the world, particularly in Asia. We celebrate as well at Hidden Valley Zen Center, and those celebrations are a time of joy and sharing with friends and family. More details will be available closer to the time, but please do note that family and friends are invited, Buddhist or not, to join us for the ceremonies and the potluck meal that follow, as well as for Temple Night, a very special time offering informal, personal devotions in a zendo transformed for the occasion. page 7 Oak Tree in the Garden March-April 2018

8 Calendar March 4 All-Day Sitting led by Sozui-sensei March Day Sesshin at Turtleback Zendo; application deadline is March 1. March 9 Monk ordination of Serita Scott at Turtleback Zendo. Family and friends as well as Sangha members are invited to attend. This will take place the opening night of sesshin, an optimal time for such a practice-affirming event. For more about ordination, please see the July-August 2017 Oak Tree in the Garden. Vesak [Buddha s Birthday] Ceremonies: Friday evening, March 30, Temple Night Saturday, March 31, Buddha s Birthday Ceremonies followed by Communal Meal with Sangha, Families and Friends. Sunday, April 1, Mitra-roshi will give teisho during the regular Sunday morning sitting Mitra-roshi expects to be at HVZC March 27 to April 3. More information will be forthcoming closer to the time. April 8 Benefit Concert for HVZC by international concert pianist Peter Gach April Day Sesshin at Mountain Gate; deadline for applications is April 10. April Weekend Sesshin led by Sozuisensei; deadline for signing up is April 10 April 28 - All-Day Sitting led by Sozui-sensei May 6 - All-Day Sitting led by Sozui-sensei Please NOTE: There will also be as yet unscheduled Zazenkai [All-Day Sittings] at Mountain Gate in the coming months. May 30 - June 3 Regaining Balance Retreat for Women Veterans with PTSD; this is a special retreat free and nonsectarian for women veterans suffering from post-traumatic stress. For more information: RegainingBalance.org June Day Sesshin; deadline for applications is June 3. This is the only 7-day sesshin held at HVZC this year. June 27 - July 1 Regaining Balance Retreat for Women Veterans with PTSD; this is a special retreat free and nonsectarian for women veterans suffering from post-traumatic stress. For more information: RegainingBalance.org July Day Sesshin at Mountain Gate; application deadline is July 3. August 3-5 Regaining Balance Retreat for Wives and Female Partners of Veterans with PTSD; like the Regaining Balance Retreats for Women Veterans with PTSD this is a special retreat also free and nonsectarian. September Regaining Balance Retreat for Women Veterans with PTSD; this is a special retreat free and nonsectarian for women veterans suffering from post-traumatic stress. For more information: RegainingBalance.org October Day Sesshin at Mountain Gate; deadline for applications: October 2. nnnnnnn Deep Zen practice affords us the opportunity to see clearly who we really are, and with that seeing, wisdom and compassion naturally arise. When we see a need, we naturally move to meet it. The practice of dana the paramita [perfection] of generosity, is a way to express that wisdom and compassion by offering support to our places of practice and to our teachers, who guide us through all the pitfalls of practice and help us to reach depths we never knew existed. Without dana, neither our Zen centers nor our teachers would be available to us or to future generations. Although Zen teachers and centers are sometimes supported by larger institutions in places like Japan and China, they are not usually supported in this way in the U.S. Offering support to our places of spiritual practice and to our teachers is a vital component of our practice as Zen students, because it affords us not only an opportunity to express compassion and gratitude, but it also ensures the continuity of Zen itself. Where would we be without a place to practice and a teacher to guide us? The Oak Tree in the Garden, a bimonthly publication of Hidden Valley Zen Center, is available as a free pdf download via and also, by paid subscription, as a hard copy for $20 per year within the United States or $35 per year internationally. To download a subscription form for either pdf or hard copy, please visit www. hvzc.org