TGC 2016 Workshop Ellen Mary Dykas Displacing Relational Idols

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1 1 TGC 2016 Workshop Ellen Mary Dykas Displacing Relational Idols Emotional and Sexual Wholeness: Cultivating Christ s Love, Displacing Relational Idols We all desire the security of feeling loved and we all are tempted to find that security not in God our Creator but in unhealthy relationships with people around us. In what ways do we tend to practice idolatry, with people (and our experiences with them) as the object of our worship? How do messy and enslaving relational patterns form? Most important, in Christ, how can we grow from unholy dependency on people, into women who live out 1 Pet 1:22: having a sincere and deep-hearted love for others that is free and whole? INTRODUCE self: I serve as the Women s Ministry Coordinator for Harvest USA, a national ministry focused on equipping the body of Christ to think biblically and to minister graciously when it comes to topics of sexuality, gender, sexual sin and the hope of the gospel. We have an info table in the exhibit all, Anna Carini and I will be there a lot this weekend. Also we put out a magazine 2x a year that was on your seats. If you d like to receive that free of charge as a hard copy or PDF, just sign up on these. There is a box if you d like to receive if via PDF. So before we get started, I wanted to let you know that a resource sheet with an outline of this talk, and recommended resources is available on our website. Just go to harvestusa.org and click on LEARN, then EXPLORE RESOURCES. INTRO 1. Listen to these lyrics from 2 secular songs, and see what common themes you hear: 1) 1990s - How Do I Live Without You? By Leann Rimes - You're my world, my heart, my soul, If you ever leave, Baby you would take away everything good in my life, And tell me now How do I live without you? I want to know, How do I breathe without you? If you ever go, How do I ever, ever survive? 2) Current - H.O.L.Y. by Florida Georgia Line - Tell me you're never leaving, Cause you're the first thing I know I can believe in, You're holy, holy, holy, holy, I'm high on loving you. You're the healing hands where it used to hurt, You're my saving grace, you're my kind of church, You're holy. All around us in entertainment, books, songs and movies we have stories people craving and searching for a love, a deep connection and experience that can only truly and in a healthy way be met by Jesus. a. Our desire for unfailing love, for being deeply known and knowing, for rich community, for the joy of sexual oneness with someone all are beautiful aspects of being image bearers of God, who loves us deeply, knows us completely AND who exists Himself in a holy relational Trinity. b. But, every detail of our image bearing capability, has been distorted by sin. Our desires have all become disordered so that what is natural to us is what rises from our SELF, our sinful heart.

2 2 c. Our relationships and our sexuality have also been disordered by sin s power and presence. This is so important for us to have in mind when we come to our topic for this workshop. Though created for wholeness, ALL of us struggle in one way or another in our relationships. d. Relational idolatry is when we replace our Savior with His gifts of people. Years ago 1 Peter 1:22 struck me about relationships. IT SAYS: Now that you have purified yourselves by obedience to the truth, so that you have sincere love for others, love one another deeply from the heart. I want the deep hearted, fervent, affectionate love, but I ve not always wanted what must precede it: obedience to Jesus in all areas! That obedience leads to a sincere love, which then can bear out in deep hearted affectionate love that is whole, not broken; in relationships which spur us on in loving Jesus and living for Him, rather than being an entangling distraction. 2. Let me share briefly about how I ve seen this at work in my own life, and in my ministry 5 minutes 1) MINISTRY via Harvest USA i. Women with other women 1. Besties and mentoring relationships, ministry colleagues women whose friendships have gone beyond godly friendship and grown into something all consuming, obsessive, jealousy-filled, a growing and desperate need for constant connection even when Jesus is somehow still a part of the dynamic. These women pray together, discuss Scripture together, perhaps even serve together but there is an unholy energy which keeps the women attached. Relational idolatry. This was ME. 2. Sometimes, with couplets of women the intense emotional connection takes on a romantic feel hugs become more lingering and then physical affection grows into sexual sin. 3. Carli B Pastors wife in a tough marriage: husband dabbled in porn, their relationship had been emotionally divorced for some time. Then she met Hannah, a woman 15 years younger, through their church s mentoring program. Hannah had been in sexual relationships with women before and so she and Carli combined for a toxic relational recipe. Two year affair, even when this younger woman moved several states away, they were able to spend time together every 2 months or so. I asked, How were you able to keep this going, and stay off the radar screen with everyone?! Oh Ellen, she replied, Everyone just thought we were the best of friends! When Carli reached out to me for help, she was beginning the process we ll be talking about today.

3 3 ii. Women and Men 1. Marriage the common struggle to expect, desire, demand that a husband be what only Jesus can be: lover to the depths of your soul, a never-failing source of strength, the one who knows you perfectly, ceaseless source of spiritual encouragement, never missing a cue, always knowing when to take you out on a date, not to mention never, ever leaving a mess in the kitchen! We can expect a husband to rescue us from insecurity and internal angst, to heal us from shame and a brokenheart. And a godly husband can be an instrument of the Lord for profound impact. But it was never God s plan that a human spouse replace Him! 2. Dating a boyfriend basically must show potential to complete the list I just mentioned. Someone who, would hear you sing Leann Rimes song and say, You won t ever have to live, breathe or survive without me baby... I ll never leave your side, never let you down, never look away from your darling, beautiful face! Like Tom Cruise said as the character Jerry Maguire in the movie of the same name You complete me! iii. Women and their children: if he/she is ok, I m ok. My identity is MY CHILD. Sometimes a sense of an emotional surrogate spouse. 2) Any relationship can struggle with these things. THIS workshop will touch on the heart dynamics common to all of these, but I m going to spend a bit more time on how women get into messes with each other. WHY? This is not being talked about as much but is a HUGE are of struggle. THREE POINTS LIST AND SUMMARIZE: Define it biblically, Why do we struggle with it, and finally, What is the way OUT into wholeness. 3. Define it biblically: Where do we find the idea of people idolatry in the bible? Lots of scriptures we might go to that speak to the idea of idolatry. Let me share 4 and share some thoughts on how these relate to relational idolatry. 1) Exodus 20:2-3 I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery. 3 You shall have no other gods before [a] me. Worship God alone, he is to have no rivals or replacements in our lives, hearts, and affections. Often, relationships with people, can intrude upon our intimacy with God, our hearts devotion is easily hijacked by the human element that people, a good gift, offer to us.

4 4 2) Jer. 2: Has a nation changed its gods, even though they are no gods? But my people have changed their glory for that which does not profit. 12 Be appalled, O heavens, at this; be shocked, be utterly desolate, declares the LORD, 13 for my people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and dug out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water. We turn from him and seek, cultivate and feed other sources as our living water, and people are probably the most common God-replacement in our lives! 3) Romans 1:25 they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Exchange the Creator with a created thing: we take a good gift and make it a god. 4) Galatians 5:13- For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. Needing/craving something from someone, rather than loving. When our motivation is to feel something, get something, experience something RATHER than loving and serving. 5) Tim Keller describes idolatry in his book Counterfeit Gods: Anything more important to us than God, anything that absorbs our heart and imagination, anything we seek to give us only what God can give, is a counterfeit god! (p.xix) When your meaning in life is to fix someone else s life, or to have your life be fixed, your heart healed, an empty heart made whole through a person, often this is called codependency but it s really idolatry, a counterfeit god is at work in your life! It s humbling to consider these things but know that our bent towards allowing people to be elevated in our hearts and minds as more important that God, IS a temptation common to all of us! And God knows this, is committed to rescuing us, and keeping Himself as our focus, as our ultimate source of life, joy and identity not because He is narcissistic but because this is what we have been created for! It brings Him glory, and allows us to live in freedom, wholeness and to have relationships that are filled with sincere love. 4. WHY do we struggle with it? 1) Lots of secular reasons for why we struggle with it. i. Much of the cultural wisdom will place the problem as outside of us and the answer inside of us. ii. American Psychiatric Association Offers this explanation in their professional diagnostic manual Dependent Personality Disorder- is a

5 5 diagnosis assigned to individuals who meet this one main criteria: An excessive and pervasive need to be taken care of; exhibits submissive, clinging, needy behavior due to fear of abandonment. NO effective treatment options known! iii. Biblically, as seen already, it is a form of idolatry, a sin that is common to ALL! Basically we replace the Creator, our one true Savior who loves us and wants to have an exclusive, loving, committed marriage with us, with a person OR the relational dynamic we experience with a person. God calls all sin adultery. The human relationship of husband and wife, who share a lifelong, exclusive relationship of oneness, is designed to help us understand how God sees us: our faithful eternal Spouse our Husband. Spiritual adultery, like that which can happen in human marriage, is stepping out of that covenantal relationship in thought or behavior, when what rightfully belongs to one (our spouse) is given/shared with another. When we don t understand, or believe, that our Loving Savior, is our Faithful Husband, we WILL be prone to turn to people for what only He can give. iv. Here s how John Flavel said it, "The soul is so constituted that it craves fulfillment from things outside itself and will embrace earthly joys for satisfaction when it cannot reach spiritual ones. The believer is in spiritual danger if he allows himself to go for any length of time without tasting the love of Christ and savoring the felt comforts of a Savior's presence. When Christ ceases to fill the heart with satisfaction, our souls will go in silent search of other lovers. v. So at the core heart level, why do we struggle? We commit spiritual adultery and expect a person to be for us what only God can be. Jesus is not in His rightful place someone else is. vi. Also, another reason we struggle is we DON T KNOW anything else Phil. 1:9, It s all they know go by your feelings and follow your heart! W.F.O.D. RULES! vii. Here s the thing! Husbands, close friends, boyfriends, sons/daughters, all can be WONDERFUL husbands, close friends, children but they make really miserable Jesus replacements! Sexual sin involving another person generally is a fruit of these kinds of relational idols: with someone you are not married to, seeking to please or appease your husband at ALL COSTS in sexual activity that goes against your conscience and/or is not lined up with God s design for sexual love between husbands and wives. When two women become emotionally entangled and dependent upon one another: FELT SO RIGHT! I ve heard this so many times! I d

6 6 encourage you to check out our women s discipleship workbook, SEXUAL SANITY FOR WOMEN, to explore the heart issues which fuel sexual sin. It provides practical biblical counsel and encouragement to overcome sexual sin. 5. The Way Out: Growing into Wholeness - I have 8 things to share with you here, you might consider them to be 8 stones on a path into freedom. 1) Choose & Remember who will be first, who you belong to, whose love will be your pursuit. Stake in the ground. Index card with Jesus name, and this other person s name: ONLY ONE can be on the right side up! But also, Remember! Idolatry is forgetting God. What is true, the gospel of Jesus! What you will hear taught in all of the plenary sessions. Psalm 106 forgetting the Lord, His ways, His love. 2) Identify your relational idols. Grow in your awareness of how you live in ANTI 1 Peter ways: i. Are you seeking your LIVING HOPE in a person? Read 1 Peter 1: Our living hope is our identity in Jesus: secure, beloved, daughters of God. An inheritance of riches that will never fade or become polluted. 2. We re off track when we need a person to feel ok, alive, valuable, secure, when we feel empty b/c connection to a person diminishes or is intruded upon by another person. The only relationship in which there is actually a holy expression of this is the marriage covenant: when something/someone is intruding upon the oneness between that couple, the holy woven threesome which God has designed that marriage would be. ii. Are you seeking your FUTURE HOPE right now in a person? - Read 1 Peter 1:13 1. All made right in him, in her, in US? Time together, his/her need of me, our connection can you live without? 2. We refuse or resist participating in the sufferings of Christ, to go through our own Garden of Gethsemane when it comes to a person/relationship. A time IS coming when all pain and disappointment will be gone, but it isn t now. And it def will not be found in a person. 3) Admit your relational sin and flee into the loving arms of JESUS 1 Cor. 10:13-14 Which means you must leave where you are, throw off sin and hindrances. 4) Expect a season of pain and grief that can lead you to God s deep comfort. Letting go will be anguishing it will get more painful before it gets better. This is the point at which many turn back because of the pain. My surgery story

7 7 i. Painful and extended healing recovery but worth it, radiation is causing some tenderness and pain. Healing pain, rather than cancerous pain. You can have healing pain, rather than enslaving pain. ii. Need to let the gospel touch, cut and heal the deeper issues of your heart (unbelief, fear, insecurity, anger, trauma, pain etc.) To refuse this will lead to God stepping in to remove the idol and force us to face our need for Him. He IS faithful to complete the work He s started in us! iii. Dana and Claudia s story iv. Separation, or space, will need to happen from the person. Connecting, time together, Marriage and dependent children this is different of course. This WILL lead to Grief, because LOSS is happening. BUT, the Comfort of God will become a bottomless well for you if you will stay the course and not turn back. v. GOSPEL promise: New life WILL come from this death. "He wounds in order to heal. That he might make us alive. He casts down, when He designs to raise us up. He brings a death upon our; feelings, wishes and prospects- When he's about to give us the Desires of our hearts" John Newton 5) Pursue biblical discipleship regarding i. Underlying heart issues Jesus said, You shall know the truth and the truth will set you free! John 8:32, Psalm 107:20 God sent forth his word and brought healing and deliverance from our pits! ii. Healthy relationships B family example. Salt on watermelon. When He is in his rightful place, people will be in theirs: not more or less. 6) Seek accountability for your relationships: loving meddling, encouraging, prayer. Someone who will lovingly get all up in your business! Prov. 28:13, 1 John 1:5-7 7) BE aware of our enemy: who is skilled at scheming and seducing us away from Christ! 2 Cor. 11:1-3 - I wish you would bear with me in a little foolishness. Do bear with me! 2 For I feel a divine jealousy for you, since I betrothed you to one husband, to present you as a pure virgin to Christ. 3 But I am afraid that as the serpent deceived Eve by his cunning, your thoughts will be led astray from a sincere and pure devotion to Christ. 8) Cry out to Jesus your DELIVERER, your WAY OF ESCAPE! Psalm 18:19, 68:19-20, Col. 1:13. He IS our Precious Savior and our faithful Bridegroom, the One to whom we are married to for all of eternity. He will help us, love us, comfort us while we live out life during this short earthly time. He is here to free you and bring you into a spacious place!

8 8 CLOSE: Sisters, here is good news for all of us: What we are trying to get from our idols we already have in Christ if we are His child! It is only when we remember this that we can let go of the idols we so desperately cling to for comfort or security or meaning. The gospel tells us that God Himself does battle with our idols when we are trapped! And He does this by lovingly and in an unrelenting way, showing us when He has rivals in our hearts. He loves us too much as our Heavenly Spouse to allow another lover to replace Him we are his and he s not letting go! He loves us and is able to rescue us and bring us into a spacious place of wholeness in all of our relationships, and most of all, with Him.