Keys to Intimacy Part 4 Communication. by Beth Jones

Transcription

1 Keys to Intimacy Part 4 Communication by Beth Jones Our relationship with God is the basis for all of our relationships in life. Even if you profess to be agnostic or an atheist, that choice to not acknowledge God and push yourself away from Him will be reflected in your relationships with other people. You will never be able to truly relate to and love others because if you can t love God, you can t love other people. (1 John 4:16) God is love, and all love emanates from Him. If you don t love God, there will always remain a barrier between you and the people in your life, who are made in His likeness.

2 To be able to truly love people and have good relationships with them, we first have to cultivate intimacy in our relationship with God. We do this through daily quiet time, studying the Bible, and worship. As you abide in Jesus each day, setting time apart to be with Him, your love for Him and for others will grow exponentially. You will become thirsty for Him, so thirsty that only His presence will satisfy you. (John 4:1-42, The Woman at the Well) As you are filled with Him, that river of life will flow through you to others. The Woman at the Well short video clip: (Pray for those who commented on this video!) God s presence is what fills the empty places in our hearts and fulfills us. It is only as we seek God s face that we can truly learn to love and obey Him, and learn how to love other people. He will show us how to do this. The anointing of His Holy Spirit teaches us all things. (1 John 2:27)

3 As we have discussed in our previous three articles, there are three major keys to having deep intimacy in our relationships with God and with others: Time Forgiveness Demonstration of love. We ve talked about time, forgiveness, and demonstration of love. Today I want to share about a fourth key to intimacy, communication. Whaddya mean? Let s face it. Communication is not easy. In fact, it s easier sometimes to communicate with a perfect stranger than those who are blood related, or who are related by marriage. One example is the time several years ago, when my husband Ray, our daughter Leah, and I were stuck at an airport on standby, waiting to get on a plane to Georgia to visit my sister Maria. A woman beside me began chatting pleasantly with me. With the long and frustrating plane wait, Ray, Leah and I had been a little, well, snippety with each other, and I was overdue for some good, adult female conversation. All the women here know what I mean.

4 Pretty soon this woman and I (I didn t get her name!) knew somewhat intimate details of each other s lives, including our family s severe financial problems over the past year. Leah, overhearing me talking away to this kind, compassionate woman who was sharing with me her own life s problems too, was MORTIFIED that I was telling this perfect stranger our family s personal story - especially in light of the fact that sometimes Leah and I can t even talk 15 minutes, without having some type of conflict over topics as moot as her hair style. The conversation goes something like this, as it did just today at Subway while we ate our sandwiches: Me: Please pull your bangs back! Leah: It s my hair, why does it matter? Me: Because it hides your beautiful face! And it looks RIDICULOUS! Leah: I like it this way! Etc., etc. We parents must learn to pick our battles carefully. We re not talking DRUGS or SEX outside of marriage here, we re talking hair! Even if she does slightly resemble a cyclops when she does it! Leah (left) & her sister Eden

5 To be fair to Leah, I discussed this one day with our hair stylist Laura (Leah would be embarrassed over this, too. Rest assured, I really am a woman of prudence and discretion, but sometimes I do have to find an ADULT on earth to TALK to!). Laura is a very beautiful, classy, Texas-born-and-raised woman, who does hair for a LOT of the teens here in a small Missouri town, and most teens would consider Laura hip or stylin. Laura looks a lot younger than her 40ish-something years and doesn t act too much like a MOM, so the teens listen to her and value her opinions. Plus, she s flat out ANOINTED to do hair for young and old alike, the only one I trust to do MY hair highlights! Laura told me that a LOT of the teen girls are wearing their bangs across one eye, just like Leah does. It s the style now, Laura said nonchalantly, shrugging her shoulders. She agreed it looks DUMB (in her and my non-generation-y, old-fashioned opinions), but they LIKE it that way, she said. If for no other reason than adults DON T. I sighed in resignation, because I was hoping Laura would convince Leah to do something with her bangs. (She did casually mention barrettes to Leah at her last hair appointment. The ones I bought her remain in the bathroom drawer.) The point is that communication is not a simple or easy thing. It s downright work sometimes. The following information comes from the websitehttp:// Misunderstandings result from communication problems. The misunderstanding may come from speakers, who: Are not clear themselves on what they mean, which causes what they re saying to be unclear to the listener. Know what I mean? (as my friend Cindy loves to say!) May know what they mean, but might not say it as clearly as they should Hide their true feelings or thoughts, either unintentionally or purposely.

6 This results in people misunderstanding or getting confused from their messages, and this is especially true with people from different cultures trying to communicate. (If only I had that excuse of being from another land.) Misunderstandings also come from the listeners. People often don t listen very well because: They assume they know what the person is saying or will say (they ve heard it before or think that person is just like someone they know) People often concentrate on what their own response will be before the other person is even finished talking, instead of really listening with complete attention. (I am notoriously known for this among family and friends, constantly interrupting people with my own excited thoughts before they are through talking a bad habit I am working on!) People may not feel well. They also can be preoccupied, stressed out, busy, etc., all which can affect their listening ability. People must learn to both speak well and to listen well to be effective and good communicators, and to experience true intimacy in the relationship. There s this great adage: Say what you mean and mean what you say! And another: get to the point. And sometimes we re saying more than our words! As much as 80% of our communication as human beings is nonverbal communication. Nonverbal communication means the way we communicate without words, such as time management (spending time with people

7 to show you care), body language, facial expressions, gestures, and tone of voice. Think about it a minute. Your husband says something to you that he should have THOUGHT about saying first, and you give him the look. Do you know what I mean? Yep! Would your husband know what I mean? You bet! Words are not even necessary in this case! Message very clear; he s in big trouble! Another scenario is that you are pouring out your heart to your husband, and his eyes begin to glaze over. Is he physically in the room? Yes. Does he physically hear you? Yes. Is he really listening, attentively listening to you? NO!!! He s in trouble again! Just kidding! Just as an aside, ladies, remember your man is NOT your girlfriend! He can be there for you and you can talk to him about things, but he s not a woman! Don t treat him like one! In marriage, there are male-female differences. This would take volumes of books to explain, and we still wouldn t get it. Here are a few from this article. Women are more likely to talk to other women during a problem or decision making. Men keep these to themselves. Think about it. Can you picture your husband calling his best friend and saying, Beth seems really distant with me lately. What do you think is going on? Women are more relationship oriented, searching for ways to connect with other women. Men are competitive; status and dominance are important. They HAVE to be #1, period. If women have a disagreement, it affects every aspect of their lives. Men can have one, then move on to another subject, even getting a drink together. (I personally can t concentrate if Ray and I aren t getting along!)

8 At meetings women nod their heads to show they are listening. Men only nod their heads if they agree. God made men and women different. We need to strive to understand each other, asking God to help us. God help us! Several books on the difficulties in relationships between men and women are on the market, such as: Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus (John Gray) Men are Like Waffles Women are Like Spaghetti (Bill and Pam Farrel). Our daughter Heather is reading this as part of her church s Bible study. She explained it s spaghetti because for a woman, everything and everyone is interconnected. The man is like a waffle because everything in life is in a separate box. Why Men Don't Have a Clue and Women Always Need More Shoes: The Ultimate Guide to the Opposite Sex (Barbara Pease and Allan Pease). I LOVE the sound of this last book because of the SHOES! But I digress.

9 Successful relationships, whether they are with your husband, your child, your mother, your mother-in-law, your boss, your co-workers, your peers, the gas station clerk, the bank teller, require clear and frequent communication. Communication is vital to have intimacy in a relationship with God and with people. With God and with people, we have to sharpen both our speaking and our listening skills. Some practical tips for helping you with your communication for God, from which all your relationships with people will flow, are: Every day find some time to be alone with God. It doesn t have to be hours every day. You can pray in the morning, in the afternoon, or at night. God never falls asleep, He s never on vacation, and He never has call waiting. You are already on His DayPlanner and He doesn t have to try to squeeze you in between appointments. He s waiting right now just for you. Just take five, and pull away with Him. Get quiet and still before Him, and let His presence refresh you. Develop a disciplined habit of spending at least a few minutes each day with God to pray, read His word, and worship. Find a special spot where you can meet with God. Maybe it s your den or your bedroom. It could be your car as you re driving to work or on your morning walk. Wherever it is, find time to have that solitude with God, like Jesus did getting away from the noise and the crowds to be with His Heavenly Father. This is your trysting place, your secret place with your Beloved Friend. You don t have to pray in any certain physical posture. Praying to God doesn t require kneeling with your eyes closed, although that is fine with God. You can pray sitting, laying down, walking, running, hiking, whatever. God is just concerned with the posture of your heart being sincere and real before Him. Pour out your heart to Him. He loves you and He cares so much for you. He wants to hear every detail of your life.

10 Practice listening. As the saying goes, God gave us two ears and one mouth so we could listen twice as much as we speak. Many times we talk more than we listen. God has a still small voice, and we can t hear it if we re always gabbing. Just relax, be still. Lay everything all your worries, cares, concerns, to-do list at the foot of the cross. Tune your ear and your heart to hear his voice. The prophet Samuel said at a young age, Speak, Lord, your servant is listening. Train your ear to listen and to obey God. Take a tech break. The truth is we re all addicted to technology, especially the internet. If we go a day without it, we feel like we re dying and in withdrawals. Sometimes it s good to just get away an hour, a few hours, a day, even a few days with NO technology. The world will continue to run, I promise. I truly believe that so much of our technology, while it s wonderful and amazing and has helped mankind to progress so far, is at times a very real distraction to spirituality and causes us stress. Sometimes we just need to take a tech break. Get into God s word and study it. Turn the cell phone off. Put away the laptop. Go for a walk and listen to the birds chirping, watch the sunset, feel the wind on your face. Worship the God who made all this beauty for you and me.

11 Confession. When there is sin in our hearts, it separates us from God and it hinders our intimacy with Him. Ask the Holy Spirit to search your heart today, and seek God s forgiveness. Remove any hindrances to your intimate relationship with Him. God is faithful and will show you what that is, and He will do it in a gentle way. This is the God who sent His Son to die for you and me so we could live with Him forever. Don t let sin keep you apart from Him. Remove any barriers that are there. With repentance comes refreshing and peace. Walk in obedience. God blesses us when we obey His word. We want to walk in right relationship with Him, and have nothing between us just as you don t want your spouse keeping anything from you. The more you pursue God, the hungrier for Him you will become. He will be the only thing that satisfies you. Cultivate a thankful spirit. God s patience with the Israelites grumbling in the wilderness amazes me. I am surprised He didn t just wipe them out one day. I m so thankful that He is the same way with me when I act so immature and ungrateful. The last several years of my life, I have been cultivating gratitude to God for all that He does and is. I can t praise Him enough for how good He is to me and my family! I encourage you to reflect on God s grace and mercy in your life the very least which is the gift of salvation, but oh, SO much more! and maybe even keeping a gratitude journal, similar to the memorials and altars mentioned in the Old Testament as a way for the people to give thanks to God and remember what He had done for them, how He had met them there. Share the good news with others! If your husband got a huge raise at work, if you were going to have another baby, if you suddenly got a check for several thousand dollars in the mail, if your book sales skyrocketed, you wouldn t keep that to yourself, would you? We have good news Jesus is alive! Let s celebrate this and have beautiful feet by telling others about this beautiful savior!

12 Here are some tips to help you in your communication with others so that you can have a closer, more fulfilling relationship with them: You don t want to be, or have to be, right. You want to communicate! Being right doesn t always win. Seek to understand more than to be understood. Sometimes you need to just walk away and say Strife break. Come back later to talk about it when you ve both cooled down. Use I feel and I believe statements, rather than You always or You never statements. Those sound accusatory, which will cause the listener to feel defensive and communication will be blocked. Allow them space without dominating the conversation. Let them talk, and don t interrupt as they re talking. Silence is golden. When Jesus was falsely accused, He said nothing. So much hurt and pain would be avoided in relationships if people would learn the power of silence, especially silent prayer. Be respectful even if you disagree with the person. Don t roll your eyes, sigh, turn your back on him or her, etc. Keep your voice calm. If you begin to feel angry, take a break. Manage your anger. Remember your body language and other non-verbal communication is saying something, too. If you have your arms crossed and are frowning, even though you may be speaking politely, your husband, child, friend, etc., will pick up on your inner conflicted feelings. Be aware of your own body language and what you may be saying, without actually saying it!

13 And now these three remain; faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13 True, agape love never fails in communication! Forgiveness is key to intimacy in relationships. You can t be close to someone that you resent, have unforgiveness or bitterness toward. Even on the cross, Jesus chose to forgive those who had crucified Him and mocked Him. He told God that they didn t know what they were doing. Jesus is our example in all things. He teaches us how to relate to others, and to love them. Through His power we are able to forgive, even the most unforgiveable things. He did! Don t remind others of the past; it s forgiven. It s under the blood of Jesus! God casts our sins as far as the east is from the west, and so should we. Find the good, the potential in each other. Look for it. Seek it as treasure. Value that person because he or she was made in the image of God. Be humble and confess your faults and weaknesses to that person. Humility goes a long way in healing relationships and drawing hearts closer. As you practice these in your daily life, you will find yourself drawing nearer to God and having closer, happier, more fulfilling and peaceful relationships with others. Your love for God will become contagious. Others will see that God is working in your life. They will want what you have. They will see and God will get all the praise and the glory. Share your dreams and desires that are deep down inside of you. Let them really know you. Begin today to take steps to communicate well with God and others. Remember that listening is more important than talking. But do share your dreams and desires deep down inside of you. Be vulnerable and let them know you.

14 Being real and transparent is what God and others desire from you. You don t have to pretend to be someone else; just be you. Spend time with God, then share His Love with others. Let God flow THROUGH you. And He will as you come into His presence, and yield to Him. Be His Word, His message, His communicator to all you meet, in word, heart, and deed. 1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13:1-8) Copyright 2010 Beth Jones

15 Tablet Of My Heart Did you enjoy this ecourse? Want to learn more about intimacy with God? Check out My Products at. Go ahead. Dive into the depths of intimacy with Jesus! The water feels so good!

16