Canva Dedicated to all those who have endured such undeserving pain

Transcription

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2 Canva 2016 Dedicated to all those who have endured such undeserving pain

3 CHAPTER 1 June 28th, 2015 As I continued to plough my way through the final knives and forks left in the sink, I watched on as Lily and Thomas fought over the bike in the back garden. Thomas should have known better than to take the bike off his little sister at his age. Thomas, you better be taking turns on that bike or you re in trouble, I shouted. They were forever bickering between them, but I suppose that s normal for young siblings. I am sharing, she won t even let me have one ride around on it, he whinged back. Be fair, that s all i'm asking of the two of ye, I said in a finalised sharp tone. I turned off the tap and began to dry the dishes. I peered up at the clock above the kitchens lightswitch. Half past four it read. Where did the day go? I asked myself. I had better get started on dinner before Mark got home from work. It was Thursday which meant steak and chips for everyone. Mark ran like clockwork. Everything was a routine for him and we all worked around it. That was probably normal for a business man with a busy schedule. Mark worked as a HR specialist for a big firm in Dublin city centre. Igon Ltd. He was a hard worker all his life and provided for out family.

4 CHAPTER 2 September 3rd, 2001 I met Mark in my local pub in County Wexford. He was down for the weekend with some of his older work mates, and had probably drank one to many by the time our paths met. I remember seeing him from across the bar and just knowing with all my youthful confidence that I would speak to him by the end of the night. So off I went and walked over to him as he took his first sip from his fresh pint. What s your name then? You re certainly not a local man, I said. He seemed shocked and slightly confused for a moment but quickly overcame that when he realised I had a romantic interest in him. It s Mark. No i'm not local. I'm here on a stag. One of the lads from work is getting married. Dublin born and bred, he rushed out. And i m Anne, I said shaking his hand. I knew he wasn t used to the attention but all the same he revelled in it. By the end of the night we were lodged in the corner of the pub with little to no privacy. But we didn t care. We were drunk and happy. For two years we made it work long distance and I used all my spare money from the hairdressers to pay for my fair up to Dublin. Mark could drive but with his busy work schedule I was the one doing most of the travelling. I didn t mind of course. I was besotted by him and if he lived in Donegal it wouldn t have made a difference. Finally after those two long years I made the move up there to him. Mum and Dad has passed and it was only my sister Joan and some friends keeping me in Wexford. The transition to Dublin was scary. I couldn t believe how constantly busy it was but it wasn t long before I began to settle in and found myself a part-time job. Come the following year I was engaged and the year after that we were married. It was a whirlwind romance and I couldn t of been happier. As time went on, the honeymoon phase died down but we were blissful together. We had the occasional fight but nothing I couldn t handle. Come 2004 I found out I was pregnant. It was a dream come true. Until it became a nightmare. I lost the baby after fourteen weeks and I was devastated. Mark was too, although he wouldn t talk about it. He buried his head into his work and life went on. I thought about going to counseling for it but no sooner did that thought come into my mind I found out I was pregnant again. Baby Thomas was born a healthy eight pounds, ten ounces. Named after my Dad of course. He was my world and I felt complete. I had a home, a husband and now my own family. And then everything changed.

5 CHAPTER 3 May 16th, 2005 I was out in the garden one sunny evening playing with Thomas. He was going on seven months at this stage and was getting into everything he could find. I remember I was pulling up some weeds when I heard the scream from behind me. I quickly jumped up only to see Thomas had cut himself with a piece of glass. It must have been left over from the old broken window we had replaced. He screeched so loud from the pain that all I could do was cradle him and clean the wound. It wasn't a bad cut but I felt awful. I should have been watching him crawling in the grass but I didn't think he was in any danger. Mark came home and when I explained to him what had happened, it was as if I was speaking to a stranger. What kind of mother lets that happen to her own baby? he asked. Your e a fucking idiot Anne. I ve seen junkies take better care of their children. I stood there in a daze. Had he really said that? I knew he expected a lot from me as a mother but I never thought he would say such a thing. Mark it was an accident, I explained. He grabbed Thomas from my arms and walked away. I can't even trust my wife with own son, he called back as he left the kitchen. After that day I lost Mark to the evil lying inside of him. It came from nowhere and everywhere at once. He had adored me and hung on every word I said. But after that day I knew something had changed and everything I did, from washing Thomas, to feeding him, became a step by step strategic plan in my head. I didn t want to disappoint him. I loved him. Nothing I did for Thomas was good enough in his eyes. The worst part was that I eventually started to believe him.

6 CHAPTER 4 August 16th - 17th, 2005 It was a Saturday night but that didn t mean much for my social life anymore. My days blurred together and consisted raising Thomas and cleaning the house. Which was why I was so surprised by Mark s plans for this Saturday night. Do you know what we should do, Mark said turning to me on the sofa. Go on, I said. I was intrigued. We should go out. Like on a date? I asked. Yeah sure like a date. Will I give my Mum a call and see if she would watch Thomas for the night? he asked. Thomas was nearly one and not once had we gone out together since he was born. Sounds like a great idea, I said. I was excited. It was just what we needed to get the fire burning inside us again. Our lives revolved around Thomas and Marks job so there was rarely anytime for us. He left the room to call her. I walked over to the mirror to see what needed to be done to myself before we left the house. He came back a few seconds later. She said she'll come over and collect him in an hour. She even said she ll take him for the night, he smiled. Brilliant. I ll go make myself beautiful if you want to get Thomas ready and put a bag together, I suggested. You re already beautiful hun, he said as he began to gather clothes from the horse rack. I came back down the stairs about forty minutes later to find Mark wearing a nice navy suit and Thomas in his coat ready to go. What do you think, I said slowly twirling. He didn t look impressed and I wasn t sure why. Are you going to a fucking strip club or dinner with your husband. Take that dress off you Anne. Or is it a t-shirt? he asked rhetorically. I was mortified. Jesus Mark, its nearly touching my knees, I said. I knew by his furrowed brow he wasn t happy I didn t instantly agree with him. I knew right there and then I had made a mistake. I looked down and casually calmed the tension between. Do you know what Mark, your right. It is too short. I ll go change before your Mum get s here. He nodded and I rushed back up the stairs. I threw on an old black maxi dress I had worn while pregnant. It was the only long dress I had in the wardrobe. He surely couldn t complain about the length of it, I thought. I came back

7 down the stairs to find him chatting with his Mum back in the sitting room. I didn t ask him for his opinion this time. His Mum looked up at me. Oh don t you look great Anne, Shirlie said. You've really lost the baby weight haven t you. Thanks Shirlie. I looked to Mark who was clearly avoiding eye contact with me. He was double checking the amount of bottles in the baby bag when he knew four was plenty for one night away. Well we best be going Mum. Thanks for watching him, Mark said. Alright, i ll see you two tomorrow. Enjoy your night out. Mark decided he wanted to drive and I was thankful. At that point all I wanted was a glass white wine. The car journey was silent but Mark seemed happy. When we got the restaurant, Louis Food and Wine Bar, he was back to one of his better moods. The waitress brought us over to our table and took my coat. Would you like any drinks while you read the menu? No thanks I m driving, Mark said. She turned to me. And for the lady, she smiled. I ll have a white wine please. Chardonnay, I answered. Are you sure hun, Mark questioned me. I was confused. I couldn t understand why he would question my choice of drink. Yeah i m sure, I replied. That s no problem, the woman said as she walked away. You could tell she was just as confused as me but knew it wasn t her place. What was that about, I asked him. He looked annoyed. I just don t see why you should get to drink when I can t. He sounded like a spoilt child. You offered to drive. I presumed you didn t want to drink, I said. You ll only make a fool of me anyway. It only takes one glass and you're off. Off what? I asked. He had never stopped me from drinking before. Ever. You know what you're like Anne. Fucking shouting your head off. Flirting with anyone that looks your way. I couldn t believe what I was hearing. My own husband. My best friend. He was describing me as if he had never met me. I wanted to tell him shut his mouth. But I didn t. Mark please. Can t we just have a good night. I won t drink the wine if you don t want me to. He paused for a moment. You can have the glass she brings out. There s no point in making a fuss over it, he softly replied. I reached out for him and he placed his hand in mine. He smiled and leaned into my face. You should have worn the first dress you had on, it hid the baby weight better, he whispered. He pulled his hand away, took out his mobile phone and slouched back in his chair ignoring me. I couldn t believe what he had just said. I grabbed my stomach. Did I really have that much baby weight? I was happy with my body. Most of my clothes were a small to medium. I didn t say much for the rest of the evening and barely ate my pasta. Mark on the other hand scoffed his down and even had a beer with his main course. I barely touched my wine. I felt his eyes burn into me every time I picked it up, so I stopped. The journey back was in silence again and I couldn t bare it. I m just going to ring your Mum. See if Thomas is alright, I said. The

8 phone was ringing before I finished my sentence. Of course he was fine but my natural motherly instincts just wanted to check in before I went to sleep. Mark grabbed the phone from my hand and he slightly swerved on the road as he leaned back over to his chair. He hung up the phone and threw it into the side pocket beside him. Of course he s fine Anne. He s with my Mum, he said. I stared at him. I couldn t win with him that night. Don t you look at my like that, he said looking straight into the nights road. I looked out of the passenger window. Nothing I could say would diffuse the situation so I remained silent. When we got home that night, I kicked my shoes off at the door, hung up my coat and went straight up the stairs to prepare for bed. I presumed Mark would stay up for a while and watch TV. He did that sometimes when we argued. When I came out of our bedroom ensuite in my nightgown he was sitting on the edge of the bed. Mark, is everything okay with you, I asked. I pulled back the duvet on the bed and tied up my hair in a bun before getting in. I feel like you're a different person lately, he replied. Different how? I asked. I didn t agree but I couldn t handle another argument. It s as if you're trying to make me mad. He looked back at me and began to loosen his tie. I m a good person and you're making me be this way. Well i m sorry if you feel that way, I said. We can talk about this in the morning, i m tired. I pulled the covers over me and rolled away from him with my eyes shut. Fine, if you don t want to talk about this you don t have too but i m not finished yet. I squeezed my eyes, wishing he would stop. Anne, you're a fat ugly bitch and a shit mother. I love you but that s the truth, he spouted. I welled up and tears escaped my eyes. Don t say anything Anne, I told myself. I knew he was looking for an argument and I wasn t going to give him one. I m talking to you Anne, look at me, he shouted. He grabbed my arm and pulled me around to face him. You look at me when i m talking to you. He was still squeezing my arm as he stared at me forehead to forehead. Please Mark, your hurting me, I cried. He loosened his grip and pushed me back onto the bed. Look what you made me do, he screamed. You know i d never hurt you if I wasn t pushed to it. I hopped off the bed and ran into the spare room, locking the door behind me. I didn t think he would hit me. I just didn t want to be near him. I woke up the next day extremely confused and it took me a moment to remember why I was in the spare room. But when I did it all came back, and I rubbed my arm where he had grabbed me. It was tender but there was no bruise yet. I grabbed an old blue dressing gown on the back of the door and slowly unlocked it. This is ridiculous, it s Mark, I told myself. I sighed and walked downstairs into the kitchen. Hey hun, Mark said. He was sitting at the kitchen table with the Independent newspaper in his hands. He lowered it and gave a quick smile before pulling it back up over his face again. I pulled out a bowl and poured some muesli into it. Are you feeling alright today, I asked.

9 Yeah feeling great hun, he replied. Are we going to talk about last night? Nothing to talk about, he said. I couldn t see his face behind the newspaper. The coward couldn t even look at me after what he had done. Mark. He pulled the paper down. Anne, i m not talking about it, what s done is done. And if you know what s good for you, you won t talk about it too. And I didn t. Not to anyone. Not ever. The bruise came up a day or two later. I covered it up with long-sleeved shirts for two weeks and then it was if the incident had never happened.

10 CHAPTER 5 October 8th, 2005 Thomas s birthday was in two days. I couldn t believe my baby was nearly one. It was the best year of my life with him. I knew Mark had been a bit off with me but we were a family. I had invited my friend Sarah and some of Mark's family over for the big day. Nothing too big. Mark came home from work that evening and seemed a little stressed. Where s Tom? he asked. I put him down about ten minutes ago. He couldn't keep his eyes open, I replied. He ll be OK if I wake him just to say goodnight. Ah Mark, leave him be. Just give him a kiss or something, I pleaded. He stood there for a moment just looking at me. I felt afraid. So I smiled. Dinner in five, I said. Yeah, he said still standing there. I walked away but I could tell he hadn t moved an inch. I served him up dinner at the kitchen table. Lasagna. His favourite. What s this, he said as he sat down. I looked at his plate confused. It s lasagna Mark, I said. I sat down to eat my own. It s Thursday, he replied. Okay, I said. He was acting strange. I wasn t sure whether to start eating or not. We eat steak on Thursday s. We do? I asked. Yeah every Thursday. Steak and chips Anne, he said. Are you losing your fucking mind. Jesus Mark, I thought you liked Lasagna, I laughed. I wanted to diffuse the tension and began cutting into my food. Are you saying i m a liar? he asked. No, I just, I trailed off. I wasn t trying to argue, I just didn t realise we ate steak and chips every Thursday. Mark stood up, picked up the plate and flung it against the cream kitchen wall. I screamed. He bent over the table, looking down at me. I was stuck to my chair. Don t you make out like i m the crazy one here. You re trying to get in my head, he screamed. No Mark, please. I m not. I looked over at the red stained wall and then down to the broken plate on the floor. LOOK AT ME YOU BITCH, he roared. I didn't cry. I just pleaded. Please Mark i m sorry. He walked out of the kitchen, grabbed his keys and slammed the front door behind him.

11 Thomas began to cry and it took me a moment to zone back into reality. I put down my knife and fork and ran up to his room. He was standing at the side of his cot crying and reaching for me. Hey, hey, hey. It s okay baby. I have you, I said. My hands were shaking so I sat on the rocking chair beside his cot. I thought I would have dropped him otherwise. I held him for what seemed like hours as he fell back asleep in my arms. I didn t budge from the chair. I needed to hold him. I needed some comfort. I tried to get my head around what had happened. The only conclusion I came to was that he was angry with me about Thomas. For not letting him say goodnight to him properly. There was nothing else it could have been. Certainly not steak and chips anyway. As I sat there with Thomas I wondered where Mark was. If he was OK and if he would ever come home. And then I heard the door open. I put Thomas back in his cot softly and closed his door. I didn t want him to wake up again. I scurried into the bedroom and got ready for bed before Mark came up the stairs. I didn t want him to see me undressed. He came into the bedroom a few minutes later. I pretended to be asleep, facing away from his side of the bed. He slid in beside be, back turned to me. I breathed a sigh of relief Anne, he said. I didn t reply. He rolled over and grabbed my arm softly. Anne are you awake? he asked. Again I remained silent. He rolled me over to face him. I gave in and opened my eyes as if he had woke me. You're awake, he said. I looked at him silently. He leaned in to kiss me. I let him but didn t kiss him back. He tasted like vodka. I m sorry about the dinner. He kissed me again. I had a hard day at work is all, you know how it is. Was he really blaming work for his outburst? He placed some of my hair behind my ear. I love you. I love you too, I replied. I wasn t lying but I didn't want to say it. I went to roll back on my side but he held me back. Where are you going? he asked. I m going to sleep, I said. He frowned and leaned in to kiss me again. Mark i m tired. It s okay, he said. I wasn t sure what he meant by that. I was waiting for him to let me go but he didn t. He leaned down and kissed me again. This time more passionately. I knew where this was going. I could feel the weight of his body on mine. He must have been drunk. Goodnight, I said. He didn t listen and he didn t stop. He didn t stop for hours. I remember seeing dawn break out the window and hoped it would be over soon. His alarm went off a.m. Mark got ready for work and left without saying another word. I lay there until Thomas woke. I didn t fall back asleep. I didn t move. I didn t cry. I just lay there, raw.

12 CHAPTER 6 December 25th 2005 Christmas day. Our second one with Thomas. It was my favourite day of the year, until this one and thereafter. When Thomas woke we brought him downstairs to open his presents under the tree. It was more for us than him but he still enjoyed his gifts. He sat on the wooden floor mostly playing with the wrapping paper as Mark and I watched on. I got you this, Mark said as he handed me a small box. It was shop giftwrapped. I smiled. You're too good me, I said and I kissed him twice. I opened it up to see a silver gold chain engraved with the date of our wedding anniversary. I love it. It was a rare moment between us and I cherished it. I got you something too, I said. I walked over to the tree and picked up the gift stashed at the back. I handed it to him and he shook it. Open it. He quickly unwrapped it. Awh babe. Battlefield two. He was so excited. You're the best. Once a gamer, always a gamer, I said. He loved his playstation. He loved it even more lately. And I was OK with that. He stayed up late at night to play it so it meant he wasn t in bed with me. I didn t admit that to myself at the time but that was truth. I wasn t feeling well that morning but Mark's Mum was making us dinner that year. I knew he would be angry if I didn t go. By noon I was throwing up my breakfast and breaking out in a sweat. I crawled into my bed. When I told him I couldn t go, to my surprise he was okay with me staying at home. I was sad that Thomas was going with him but I couldn t watch him. I took a nap. When I woke up I walked to the bathroom to pee. As I sat on the toilet seat something caught the corner of my eye. I looked below the sink at the silver holding container. Inside it was an unopened box of tampons. Fuck. I pulled up my underwear and ran into the bedroom. I kept a box of pregnancy tests for an emergency at the back of my sock drawer. I paused for a moment. Did I really want to know? I had no choice. I went back into the bathroom and peed on the test. It didn't take long for the test results to come up. Two pinks lines. Shit. I sat on the bed and burst into tears. I was pregnant. I was pregnant with Mark's baby. I was pregnant because he raped me. I thought for a while as the sickness passed. Could I have an abortion? How would I get over to the U.K. without Mark knowing. I could say I was going to visit Joan back home. Unless he said it to her. Then he would find out what I had done. I could tell Joan. She could help me. No. I couldn t then I would have to tell her why. And I couldn t bare the thought of my own sister knowing I let my husband rape me. So I kept her and Lily was born seven months later.