Sex in the Sanctuary John Ortberg

Transcription

1 Menlo Church 950 Santa Cruz Avenue, Menlo Park, CA Series: "Good" People November 5, 2017 Matthew 5:27-30 Sex in the Sanctuary John Ortberg Next week, campus number six in South San Francisco opens. Unbelievable. In two weeks we're doing the big book giveaway, so everybody really be in prayer and invitation mode, that God works in great ways over these next few weeks. This weekend I want to start here. One of the biggest stories of the last several weeks it's been all over the Internet and on the cover of TIME magazine is about the sexual behavior of a man in the entertainment industry named Harvey Weinstein, and stories of women being harassed, assaulted, threatened, and demeaned are myriad. After the story broke, one person encouraged people who had been sexually assaulted or harassed to respond with two words on Twitter: #metoo. Very soon there were like five hundred thousand of these stories. I say this because I know some of you listening to this message have been there and those are your words: "Me too." I'm so glad you're here, and I want to say there can be healing with God and there needs to be justice and you need to hear it's not your fault. It's not your fault. Part of what has been disorienting for many people is that the alleged assaulter actually publically advocated gender equality and empowerment for women and an ideology that was completely at odds with his hidden life. Closed doors. Abused power. Silenced, shamed, terrified victims, not just from this instance but other entertainment figures, other political leaders at the highest levels from both parties, not to mention academic leaders, not to mention church leaders. The other reason sex has been in the news a lot lately is the death of a guy named Hugh Hefner at 91 years old. He was the founder of Playboy magazine. Whatever your age, we all live now in a world where sexually explicit images of all kinds are just one click away. He was kind of the poster boy for that world. A friend of mine, Lee Strobel, actually interviewed Hugh Hefner at Playboy Mansion a few years ago and shared the gospel of Jesus with him. Lee said Hugh seemed genuinely interested and said he believed in God but had a minimal belief in a minimal God, because he wanted minimal interference from God. All of this got me thinking. If you ruled the world, how would you stop sexual harassment in the workplace? In our day, generally, in workplaces and academic settings, what is usually taught is what might be called the ethic of consent. The goal here is to teach people to recognize when consent for sexual activity is or is not given and to make sure they always know they must always honor consent. Now why is it wrong not just wrong but heinous evil to violate consent? Well, the reason violating consent is so evil is connected to what we have been learning together. You have a kingdom, and it starts with your body. Your body is the place where God initially intends your will to reign, so when another person uses your body against your will to satisfy their appetites, their body, they violate your kingdom, and that can shatter a soul

2 That is why the violation of consent is so evil. It is also why power, the assertion of will, and sex are so closely related and so delicately and dangerously connected. It raises a really deep question that's not being asked often in our day, at least publicly. What kind of person do you need to be, what kind of habits of will and self-discipline, are required in order to be capable of honoring consent? Jesus and the biblical writers generally were quite clear. It is possible for a person, even a bright person, even a powerful person to become enslaved by desire. It happens all the time to all of us in one way or another. This, gang, is why people may embrace an ideology that maybe is a strong progressive supporter of gender equality or a strong supporter of a traditional sexual ethic but then in their private behavior completely betray the ideology they claim to believe in and even thought they believed in. Desire has made them lost souls or maybe eventually predatory monsters. Another question. What sort of spiritual formation do you think Harvey Weinstein or Hugh Hefner received? Because everybody receives a spiritual formation. Everybody is having their spirit, their inner life (thought, desire, intentions), formed and shaped all the time, for better or for worse, on purpose or by accident. What we're learning in this series is the greatest opportunity ever offered a human being is to have your spiritual formation taken over by Jesus, because then I can merge my little kingdom into his great kingdom. Last week we looked at what this might mean as it relates to anger and reconciliation, and I hope you're working on that. This week we look at this amazing topic of sexuality. Here's Jesus' teaching. "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell." The big question is Who is a good person when it comes to sexuality? In our day, a common thought might be "Somebody who honors consent." That's sexual goodness: honor consent. In Jesus' day, people often thought like this: "In the Ten Commandments, the seventh commandment forbids adultery, so people who commit adultery are the bad people, and people who avoid committing adultery are the good people." Now you'll notice in this text Jesus is addressing men. The idea of a power differential between the sexes did not get invented in our day. We will sometimes talk about the double standard when it comes to sex. That was actually an explicit part of the law in the ancient world. This is from an ancient Roman law speaking to men. It goes like this: "If you should catch your wife in adultery, you may put her to death without a trial, but if you should commit adultery, she must not presume to lay a finger on you, nor does the law allow it." I always show my messages to Nancy before I preach them. It's one of the advantages of being married to a teacher. When I showed her this quote, she put a big frowning face next to it and wrote, "Not you, buddy." Now Jesus does not allow what the Romans did. He actually counters it. Jesus doesn't say what a lot of people then and even today sometimes say. "If a man lusts after a woman, maybe it's the woman's fault. Maybe she dressed the wrong way. Maybe she did something." - 2 -

3 Kingdoms are systems of personal power. People who have power will abuse those kingdoms to protect their reputations and gratify their lusts. We see that in a lot of kingdoms today, corporations and so on, and Jesus says, "Not okay." For Jesus, lust is the responsibility of the one who lusts. This idea of looking lustfully Jesus talks about is really important, often misunderstood, so let's unpack it for a moment. Jesus uses a present participle here. The idea is "Whoever looks and goes on looking." In other words, Jesus is not saying that sexual attraction itself is a bad thing. It was God's idea. Sex is very good. God is pro-hormones. Jesus is pro-hormones. Our sexuality is part of who we are whether we're single or married, whether we're young or old. It is a constant source of mystery, wonder, and joy wherever we are in life. I was standing on a crowded shuttle bus not long ago. I looked down, and there was a young woman sitting there. She was kind of attractive, and she was looking directly at me and smiled at me. I thought, "I've still got it." Then she spoke to me. "Sir, would you like to take my seat?" I realized, "I'm not sure I ever had it." See, Jesus is not talking about attraction or noticing attraction. He's talking about someone who deliberately indulges sexual gratification by continued looking. He's talking about what might be called "the look." You all know about the look. A couple is at a restaurant. A woman is waiting on them, and the husband finds her sexually attractive. He starts staring at her. He's doing this in a way to feed his own desire for sexual gratification. You can see it in his face. The woman serving the table knows it and feels awkward or embarrassed or maybe tempted by a certain sense of power it brings. The man's wife notices it and feels crushed by it and rejected or angry. If she talks about it, he denies it, so he adds lying to his sin and damages his marriage and dents his integrity. He may think he hasn't violated the seventh commandment yet, but he has stepped out of the kingdom of God. Does anybody have any idea what I'm talking about here or is this all novel territory? The look itself is a public act with public effect, and Jesus knew all about this. Let me pause here, because sexuality is an area that involves so much emotion, embarrassment, shame, hiddenness, pretending, and we have to be a place of radical honesty. We have to step into the light here. So let's do a mass confession of sexual fallenness. You never thought you'd do this in church. If you have ever committed a sexual sin of any kind, if you've ever looked at something you should not have, if you've ever flirted with the wrong person, if you've ever given the look, if you've ever inappropriately tried to attract the look, if you've ever withheld yourself sexually to hurt your spouse, if you've ever been wounded by feeling unattractive, if you've ever failed to talk to your kids helpfully about sexuality, if you've ever had a single regret, if you've ever felt for a single moment like you could use some help from God about some area of sexuality, if you've ever said the word sex, raise your hand. Just to be clear, on the other hand, how many of you have achieved perfection sexually speaking? Jesus is talking about something far deeper than the ethic of consent. You might think about it this way. We bring to a relation three dimensions from our kingdom. That is, our commitment (commitment is something we do with our will), our emotions, our feelings about another person, and our bodies. A level of commitment, a level of emotional engagement, and our physical beings. These three dimensions should be in balance with each other. This is what the biblical writers teach. Sexual intimacy is God's invention to unite two souls. It is the ultimate form of physical intimacy. Marriage is the public declaration of permanent and exclusive commitment. It is a promise. So to be sexually intimate with a person to whom I am not married is to make promises with my body that I - 3 -

4 withhold in my will. It is a setup for hurt. It's going to damage a soul, and that is why it is a sin. If you're following Jesus and are involved in sexual intimacy with a person to whom you're not married, you need to stop. But Jesus is clearly defining goodness in this sexual arena as something way deeper than just avoiding sex with somebody I'm not married to. All of us are going to need help to be pure from the inside. How do we get that? Here's where Jesus gets really provocative. This is the stuff that's a real head scratcher for people. Jesus says, "If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away." Does this strike anybody here as just a little tiny bit extreme? Jesus isn't hiding this. He's emphasizing it. He doesn't say just any old eye. He says your right eye. In the Bible times the right side of the body was the more valuable and honorable side. Your right eye is your best eye. Then he doesn't say, "If it's a problem, get an eye patch or gently remove it." He says, "Gouge it out." Not just that. "Gouge it out and throw it away." You might have been tempted to keep it in a jar. Maybe you might try to reinsert it later on. So just put it down the garbage disposal now. What is he saying? It's often thought that Jesus is engaging in hyperbole, that his idea is we ought to take obedience to God seriously, really, really seriously. Of course, not that seriously. Other people have taken Jesus literally on this. There's an early Christian named Origen, and he wrestled with his sexuality so much with so much guilt and shame he actually had himself castrated so he would not be guilty of sexual sin anymore. That is not what Jesus is recommending. Jesus is actually using some quite dark humor to show that true goodness is not sin avoidance. You might think about it this way. If the goal of God for human beings is just avoid sinful actions, we could do it through surgery. Cut out your tongue, and you will never speak words of deception or harassment. Cut off your hands, and you can never use them for promiscuity or violence. Gouge out your eyes, and you will never look at pornography anymore. You'll stop judging people by their looks. You'll stop giving the looks. Cut off your legs, and you will not walk into the wrong place. You won't walk into massage parlors or adult bookstores or the wrong house. Cut off your ears, and you'll never listen to seductive words or gossip. Cut off your sexual organs, and you'll never misuse them. Have your skin removed, and then you won't misuse your nerve endings for sensuality, and you can roll into heaven a sinless, mutilated stump. Should we do that? A lot of churches offer membership. We could offer dismembership. You could experience sanctification by sufficient dismembership. In the church where I grew up we used to talk about extending the right hand of fellowship. Here we'll have you extend it, and we'll chop it off and throw it away. Understand Jesus has a very important point to make. He knew what he was saying when he used this language. God's will for you is not just sin avoidance. In Jesus' day, there was a group of rabbis who decided they would avoid adultery by never looking at a woman. If I don't ever see one, I could never lust after one. So when a woman would come into their line of sight, they would close their eyes, no matter what they were doing or where they were going. I am not making this up. They were literally called the "bruised and bleeding rabbis," because they were always falling off of curbs or walking into buildings, because they'd close their eyes to never look at a woman. The parts of your body were given to you by God, not primarily to not sin but to do good

5 The real problem with spiritual growth by selective dismembership is it doesn't work. The real problem isn't your eye. It's not your hand. Jesus names it in verse 28. It's your heart. Your heart is the innermost, unseen core of your personhood. That's the secret place of my spontaneous thoughts and my desires and perceptions. That's what needs to change. That's what God wants to change. If I live for desire, I end up the slave of desire. That's why the whole minimalist ethic of consent is not enough to build a life on. Desire always narrows. If I want illicit gratification from this woman, I have to keep a thousand thoughts out of my mind. I have to forget she's somebody's daughter. I have to forget that if another man looked at one of my daughters like that I'd go ballistic. If I want illicit gratification, I have to not think about my wife. I have to not think about my children. I have to not think about my church. I have to not think about my God. Desire will do this to somebody. A general just got fired for sending flirty texts to the wife of an enlisted man. How does that happen? Desire keeps a thousand thoughts out of your head. Now the will (that's your kingdom) is quite different from desire. The will often seeks options. The will always looks for the largest perspective. Desire wants to enslave the will, and apart from God's help it'll do it. Gang, here's the good news: there is freedom. When we come into the light in the area of sexuality there is freedom. I want to say this as tenderly as I know how. Some of you have been dreading this topic because you're carrying guilt or shame or a boatload of regret. There is freedom and grace and healing for anybody who will honestly come to God and step into the light. I came across a story of a guy named John. He attends our San Mateo Campus with Eugene Lee on a regular basis. He said he'd be willing to tell his story for our church. A really courageous act. So here he is. His name is John. [Video] John Oberholser: Hello. I am John Oberholser, and I want to tell you my story. My story is a story of addiction, the addiction that is kept a secret, the story that no one admits to, the story that no one wants to talk about, the story that is a deep, dark secret. Even people who do not suffer from this addiction, including Christians, are very uncomfortable with it. In fact, most of you listening to me right now will be uncomfortable hearing what I'm about to say. That is one reason this addiction is so rampant, even among Christians, and we as a Christian community often pretend it does not exist. On the other hand, my story is an example of God's amazing grace and how he wants to work in our lives. Enough with the preaching. I came to tell you my story, and here it is. I was first introduced to pornography and masturbation when I was about 12 years old. I continued with porn and masturbation through my teen years. As I approached my 20s, I found it very difficult to avoid my desires. At the same time, I was convinced that once I got married I would not have those desires anymore. However, after getting married, my desires did not change. They continued. I even explored other forms of sexual sin to feed my addiction. All along the way, I kept telling myself "I will eventually stop." However, I could not. Fast-forward 40-plus years, and I was still a sex addict and nobody knew it, not even my wife. I know. You're thinking, "How could she not know it?" Oh, she knew something was wrong. However, I dodged - 5 -

6 the real issue. Most addicts of any kind are very clever at hiding the truth even from those close to them. What I regret the most about my addiction is not being honest with and faithful to my wife. I have hurt her so much that she may never fully recover. About four years ago, my wife and I were part of a small group from another church, and in one of the meetings the subject of sexual sin was being discussed. I could stand it no longer, so I confessed to my wife. As she and I discussed our addiction, we decided no one else need ever know about it. For the next several years, I tried my best to overcome my addiction by reading the Bible and praying a lot. I got closer to God than I ever had. However, from time to time I would return to my old ways. I finally had to admit to myself, "I cannot do this on my own." As we hear a lot at Menlo Church, God created us for community, and I'm here to tell you that community is critical when recovering from sexual sin. I started looking for an accountability partner or a group that would support me in my recovery. However, I could not find a partner or a group. I kept hearing this voice reminding me of what I read in the books on sexual sin recovery. Having accountability is most important, and if you cannot find a partner or a group, talk with your pastor. I kept ignoring that voice, because I especially did not want to tell my pastor. I mean, my wife and I really like Eugene, and to tell someone we both liked was too much. I kept thinking, "God, you really don't mean that I should talk to Eugene, do you?" Yet that voice did not go away. So I decided, since my wife and I agreed that we would not talk to others about my struggle, that I should discuss with her my feeling the need to talk with Eugene. As a sidenote, here's where my relationship with God took a turn I was not expecting. When I talked to my wife about sharing my story with Eugene, she said, "Okay." My response was, "Really, God? She was supposed to be my out. Now you've taken that away from me." So I talked to Eugene. After talking with him, my wife asked how the conversation went. I told her that Eugene thought we should start a group. I was jazzed. I told him I would help in any way I could, except I did not see myself being the leader, seeing that I was so new to this recovery process and knew nothing about leading such a group. Her response was, "What about following God's lead?" Again I'm thinking, "Really, God?" So I started a group, trusting God that he would lead me. You know the famous line from this movie Field of Dreams. "If you build it, they will come." Well, it didn't work for me. I started a group, and no one came. I kept praying about this group and trusting God to lead me. After several months of committing this group to God, two men contacted me about attending an accountability group. So a group was started. A few months later another man joined, and then a fourth. We meet weekly, and all of us have been greatly helped from supporting and challenging each other in our walk with God. It is important to understand that while three quarters of my life has been lived in sexual sin, I was raised in a devout Christian home with parents who practiced their faith and raised their children to do the same. I made a choice when I was very young and naïve, and that impacted my entire life. I chose not to make God top priority in my life. As I got older, the shame and guilt that came with my sin prevented me from making God number one in my life. I want to share with you my most recent conversation with God. When I heard John Ortberg wanted someone to share their story of lust, I thought, "No way, no how." However, I heard this voice again. This - 6 -

7 time it was saying, "Do you trust me?" My thoughts were, "Yes, but really? Tell the whole world?" Before I end my story, I would be remiss if I did not tell you I'm not the only one in this story. There are many people, many Christians. Even some of you who are listening to me right now have similar stories. I know how the guilt and shame make you want to hide. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to open up and confess your sins to God and others whom you trust. Sexual sin thrives in secrecy, so seek help from others who are fighting the same battle. God is waiting to help you. In fact, he's waiting to hear you tell him your story, but first you have to take the first step. God has special plans for you. It's never too late for God to help. God's grace is truly amazing. [End of video] John Ortberg: I want to tell you guys this is a hero. There are so many of you who are listening right now, and you've been hiding and have been experiencing shame, and there is healing. John has been willing to do this for just one reason: he really loves our church. John, I admire you so immensely. Can we all take a moment right now and thank John for giving us this gift? Guys, I want you to know John is so passionate about this. This is his last weekend before they're moving away to Lodi, and he wanted to tape this story so that this weekend he could be at every service at San Mateo, so that if anybody wants to pray, wants to talk, wants to ask questions, he's there. We all need help on this. I want to tell you that I, too, am someone who needs God's help to honor him. I have a friend I've known and trusted a long time who I talk with all about my sexuality. When I travel, I let him know. I ask him to hold me accountable. I text him whenever I feel like I need prayer. We talk almost every morning early in the morning, and very often it includes talking about this area of life. For a long time, I tried to struggle with sexuality just on my own or just God and me until I was humbled enough to realize I need help. I have to humble myself enough to tell somebody else, "I want you to hold me accountable. I want you to know where I'm tempted. I want you to know me with no secret." Whatever is going on in your life, I want you to know there is healing, there is hope, there is help. When you get to the end of your life, you can look back at a history of sexual struggle, hiddenness, constant temptation, guilt, and shame. You can try to go it alone. You can limp back and forth between giving in and then guilt and then prayer and then giving in again. You can keep the secrets in a dark place. You can have your ability to worship God and pray constantly impeded. You can put your relationships at risk. You can put your family at risk. You can put your integrity at risk, or you can pray to God, "God, your kingdom come here as well." You can step into the light. You can surrender your will. If you need help on this one, you can find a trusted brother or sister. You can meet with a skilled Christian therapist. We have this group John was talking about in recovery together with Jesus for sexual addiction, and you could be a part of that. You can go online to our website to find out more about that. You can talk to your campus pastor today. Guys, this is a place where everybody is welcome, nobody is perfect, and anything is possible, as long as we're willing to do one thing, and that is to get real. We have nothing to hide. Everybody here is just one bad decision away

8 We're all a train wreck apart from God, and if you're willing to admit that and arrange your life around that, you can look back at the end of your life on a life of devotion to God and healing and growth in your heart, and we can build together a community of men and women who learn to be honest about our sexual struggles and real with our sexual shame and honor each other like brothers and sisters as we follow this magnificent Jesus who enables us to handle the greatest difficulties in life so that his kingdom can come into our lives. Let's do that. Let's take that road