How to Stay Married to Your JW

Transcription

1 How to Stay Married to Your JW For Unbelieving Mates or those deemed to be apostates by the Watchtower Bible & Tract Society I have to say I am surprised and am quite saddened to hear how many JW marriages fall apart when one partner becomes an "unbelieving mate" or even an "apostate." I thought I might write about my thinking process during the time my husband, in my JW thinking, moved along the path from an "unbelieving mate" to an "apostate" over the course of 30 years of our marriage, before I finally woke up to The Truth about the Truth. I am hoping that if I explain my thought process, others who are the position of being the unbelieving mate or apostate and wish to keep their marriages intact might be able to use this information to help keep their JW partners in the marriage long enough for them to awaken. I hope it doesn't take 30 years in your case, as it did with me. With methods that have been outlined by Steve Hassan in his books about cult mind control, with the Files provided here in the AAWA Recovery Group and by reading informative threads on ex-jw forums, perhaps you will have success. I sincerely hope that you do. This was my thinking through the years (references provided below): 1. I absolutely believed my husband to be an apostate. He told me he did not believe in the teaching about "this generation". He did not believe in the value of Christ's ransom sacrifice (the unforgivable sin against the Holy Spirit) and had rejected God's visible organization. 2. I absolutely believed my spirituality was in danger, but my husband never prevented me from going to meetings, nor did he make it impossible for me to worship Jehovah. He allowed me to raise our children as JWs. (I am not saying this is a good idea. It is simply what he chose to do.) 3. The only grounds for a divorce are adultery (porneia). Apostasy is not grounds for a scriptural divorce. 4. I knew that Jehovah hates a divorcing, and no flimsy excuses would hold up with Him. I would have to "render an account" to Him. 5. In my mind, a separation who most likely lead to a divorce. 6. I feared my own "treacherous heart" and didn't trust myself to make such a huge decision. 7. Jehovah promised to protect me spiritually. 8. Jehovah promised that I would not be tested beyond what I could bear. 9. Jehovah promised that he would help me endure and keep my integrity. 10. I believed the marriage vow to be sacred. Even though apostates are so wicked that others should never even say a greeting to one or read the literature of a known apostate, I believed I was expected to rely on Jehovah s promises and stay in our marriage. My shepherding calls with JW elders only reinforced this for me. Holding the belief that my husband was an apostate who was doomed to die, while still loving him, set me up for horrendous cognitive dissonance. Since I am writing here over 30 years after my husband walked away, I think that it is pretty evident that my JW spirituality was in a state of absolute endangerment for decades, and yet I stayed in because I believed it was what Jehovah (and the elders) wanted me to do. Of course, they said they could not make the decision about a marital separation for me, but they also laid on added pressure by reminding me that my husband and children would likely only return to Jehovah if I stayed loyal to

2 Him and his earthly organization. Emotional blackmail to be sure! Learning of the hypocrisy of two elders who consistently encouraged me to stay in submission to my unbelieving mate was just one more brick added to the load of increasing insanity. They were both disfellowshipped for adultery after cheating on their full-time pioneer wives. Through all of this I just kept putting one foot in front of the other studying for, attending and commenting at nearly every meeting; TMS talks and Service Meeting demos; auxiliary pioneering; meals for Circuit Overseers; driving weak ones to assemblies and conventions while I had two children of my own to train ; visiting the elderly and infirm, Kingdom Hall cleanups and garden maintenance, two local Kingdom Hall rebuilds (one in which I was in charge of organizing breakfast each day for 30+ workers mid-week over several months time), etc. If they asked, I did it all the while suffering from severe, recurrent clinical depression. I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder. I was suicidal. Through my entire adult life I tried innumerable medications and therapists, nothing worked. I now know that nothing worked, because I wasn t addressing the problem. I was the good JW wife never wanted to dishonor Jehovah. I always went to the elders for help with spiritual matters, as they directed me to do. I never talked about life in the organization with my therapists. How could they possibly help me? I didn t breathe a word of the real problem. They thought it was the marriage. One therapist actually refused to treat me any longer unless I left my husband. I found a new therapist. I did separate from my husband several times for what I deemed to be absolute endangerment of spirituality. What I really needed was time to think, breathe and sleep. My husband never gave up on me through all of this. The bottom line is that I couldn t live in two different worlds any more. My brain couldn t reconcile going to the Kingdom Hall, being taught and believing that my husband and children were going to die at Armageddon and then going home and loving my apostate husband, my disassociated by her actions daughter and my disfellowshipped son. I felt the control increasing, and I knew I would never shun my son once he left our home. In mid-may 2011, I was at a Service Meeting where they were droning on about how important it was to do more in the ministry, because so many lives were involved. Well, that immediately, and I mean instantaneously, in my mind translated into a death sentence Your children are going to die! I thought, If one more person tells me my kids are going to die... I just knew I could not bear to hear those words one more time. I was later told that I had a shift in thought. That shift in thought dramatically changed my life, my marriage and my family life for the better. I didn t know what was going on yet, but I just couldn t go to another meeting. I simply could not function. My husband didn t know what to think, but he didn t question me. He was used to my couch dwelling during depressive episodes. I shut down, and he took on all of my responsibilities at home and at work. All of a sudden I wasn t going to meetings after 42 years. I couldn t even call in to listen. I needed time to think, to decide what I believed and what I no longer believed. I didn t want to be subject to any outside influence during this process. At the end of May my husband and I went away on vacation. We went sailing for 10 glorious days. For a few seconds I wondered how it might feel to live my life like that no studying the Bible or the Watchtower, no meetings, no field service, no schedule, not one single dress or pair of high heels just living, breathing and enjoying the sun and wind on my face. I dismissed the thought. Not there yet. June was a blur. Still no meetings, but I did travel a bit with a long-time JW sister and friend. I seemed to be able to function as long as I was not home. If I was home, I was on the couch. Somewhere along the way I switched into what I call observation mode, professionals call it dissociation. For the first time in over 30 years this sister really got on my nerves she was spewing words about Jehovah and The

3 New System, but I mostly focused on her lips. Her life, by her own admission, is an absolute mess as a result of the New Light about the definition of porneia. This doctrinal change directly impacted her marriage and her freedom to be scripturally free to remarry. And yet she does absolutely nothing, no changes, no decisions she just leaves it in Jehovah s hands. I had promised my now deceased daughter-in-law s inactive mother that I would take her to our District Convention on the July 4 th weekend. I didn t take notes for the first time ever. I don t know why. I just didn t. Observation mode Why am I sitting here with this woman? I know she didn t do anything to me, but why am I forced to be reminded of so much pain? These Stepford JWs are just plain scary. Overlapping generation Really? I don t think so! (Actually the Overlapping Generation teaching was my doctrinal tipping point.) New Light on Daniel s image the toes mean nothing! Seriously? Just how many times are they going to tell me to arrive on time, be in my seat before the music starts, take brief notes and pay attention? I am an adult. Listen. Learn. Obey. I walked away from my life as a JW after the final day of that District Convention, with the minor exception of letting my yes mean yes one last time by serving the Circuit Overseer s lunch during August. I didn t attend any of the week s activities though. After a few months, I started to do research on JW history, doctrine and cults. I found out about pedophile issues and found Silent Lambs. I read Crisis of Conscience, the Shepherd the Flock of God 2010 edition and The God Delusion, by Richard Dawkins in two weeks time. My husband is still adjusting. He doesn t understand how I went from an all-in JW to an atheist in zero to sixty. We have to re-build everything about our marriage from the foundation up. I'm not saying marriage under these conditions or that this process was in any way easy. In fact, it drove me to the brink of insanity. The elders in my local congregation know this, and I believe it is one of the reasons they are now taking a "hands off" approach. Time will tell. I've been out nearly two years now and did not attend the Memorial this year (2013) for the first time since I was nine years old. (I went last year to appease my one remaining JW friend who still speaks to me. Never again!) If you want a better chance of keeping your marriage together, assure your partner of your love and show it, while allowing him/her the freedom to worship Jehovah as he/she chooses. That being said, please follows Steven Hassan s methods. Find out what makes your partner tick. My husband brought up issues around false JW science which was important to him, but had no impact on my faith at the time. Make opportunities to get your partner away from the meetings doing fun things together. Give your partner time away from the indoctrination and time to think. And please feel free to use any of the enumerated items above as gentle questions or reminders to your JW marriage partner. I am providing reference to Watchtower literature below. This information supports why I came to the conclusions I did. Perhaps it will help you to understand how your JW marriage partner thinks or reasons things through. References: *** fy chap. 11 pp pars. 8-9 Maintain Peace in Your Household *** There are many practical things you can do to affect your mate s attitude. For example, if your husband objects to your religion, do not give him valid causes for complaint in other areas. Keep the home clean. Care for your personal appearance. Be generous with expressions of love and appreciation.

4 Instead of criticizing, be supportive. Show that you look to him for headship. Do not retaliate if you feel you have been wronged. (1 Peter 2:21, 23) Make allowances for human imperfection, and if a dispute arises, humbly be the first to apologize. Ephesians 4:26. 9 Do not let your attendance at meetings be a reason for his meals being late. You may also choose to share in the Christian ministry at times when your husband is not at home. It is wise for a Christian wife to refrain from preaching to her husband when this is unwelcome. Rather, she follows the apostle Peter s counsel: You wives, be in subjection to your own husbands, in order that, if any are not obedient to the word, they may be won without a word through the conduct of their wives, because of having been eyewitnesses of your chaste conduct together with deep respect. (1 Peter 3:1, 2) Christian wives work on more fully manifesting the fruits of God s spirit. Galatians 5:22, 23. *** w88 11/1 pp pars When Marital Peace Is Threatened *** Absolute endangerment of spirituality also provides a basis for separation. The believer in a religiously divided home should do everything possible to take advantage of God's spiritual provisions. But separation is allowable if an unbelieving mate's opposition (perhaps including physical restraint)makes it genuinely impossible to pursue true worship and actually imperils the believer's spirituality...of course, if a baptized marriage partner acts like an apostate and tries to prevent his mate from serving Jehovah, the elders should handle matters according to the Scriptures. If disfellowshipping takes place in a case involving absolute endangerment of spirituality..., the faithful Christian who seeks a legal separation would not be going against Paul's counsel about taking a believer to court.-1 Corinthians 6: If circumstances are extreme, then, separation may be warranted. But flimsy pretexts obviously should not be used to obtain a separation. Any Christians who do separate must bear personal responsibility for that action and should realize that all of us will render an account to Jehovah.- Hebrews 4:13. *** it-1 p. 642 Divorce *** Nor does the Bible grant Christians the right to divorce their marriage mates because of difference in religion; it shows instead that by remaining with an unbelieving mate the Christian may win that individual over to the true faith.-1co 7:12-16; 1Pe 3:1-7. (Malachi 2:16) For he has hated a divorcing," Jehovah the God of Israel has said; "and the one who with violence has covered over his garment," Jehovah of armies has said. "And YOU must guard yourselves respecting YOUR spirit, and YOU must not deal treacherously. *** w11 7/15 p. 12 par. 10 Will You Follow Jehovah's Loving Guidance? *** The Bible thus warns us: "The heart is more treacherous than anything else and is desperate. Who can know it?" (Jer. 17:9) *** w10 1/15 p. 9 par. 10 Belonging to Jehovah-An Undeserved Kindness *** That psalm begins: "Anyone dwelling in the secret place of the Most High will procure himself lodging under the very shadow of the Almighty One. I will say to Jehovah: 'You are my refuge and my stronghold, my God, in whom I will trust.' For he himself will deliver you from the trap of the birdcatcher." (Ps. 91:1-3) Notice that God promises to protect those who love him and trust in him. (ReadPsalm91:9, 14.) What sort of protection did he mean? Well, Jehovah protected some of his ancient servants physically-in some cases to preserve the genealogical line leading to the promised Messiah. However, many other faithful men were imprisoned, tortured, and killed in devilish attempts to turn them away from faithfulness to God. (Heb. 11:34-39) They found the needed courage to endure because

5 Jehovah protected them spiritually from the danger of breaking their integrity. Therefore, the 91st Psalm can be understood as a promise of spiritual protection. *** w86 3/1 p. 17 par. 7 Job's Integrity-Who Can Imitate It? *** Yes, Jehovah will uphold us. "For those walking in integrity he is a shield," the Bible says. (Proverbs 2:7) This does not mean, though, that Jehovah will not allow us to be tested. He will, even as he did with Job. "But God is faithful," the apostle Paul noted, "and he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear, but along with the temptation he will also make the way out in order for you to be able to endure it."-1 Corinthians 10:13. *** it-1 p. 126 Apostasy *** This term in Greek (a po sta si a) comes from the verb a phi ste mi,literally meaning "stand away from." The noun has the sense of "desertion, abandonment or rebellion." (Ac 21:21, ftn) In classical Greek the noun was used to refer to political defection, and the verb is evidently employed in this sense at Acts 5:37, concerning Judas the Galilean who "drew off" (a pe ste se, form of a phi ste mi) followers. The Greek Septuagint uses the term at Genesis 14:4 with reference to such a rebellion. However, in the Christian Greek Scriptures it is used primarily with regard to religious defection; a withdrawal or abandonment of the true cause, worship, and service of God, and hence an abandonment of what one has previously professed and a total desertion of principles or faith. The religious leaders of Jerusalem charged Paul with such an apostasy against the Mosaic Law. Even though a person who was inciting others to apostasy was a close relative or a marriage mate, he was to be put to death for having "spoken of revolt against Jehovah your God." (De 13:1-15) *** it-1 p. 127 Apostasy *** apostates may forsake his service by treating lightly the preaching and teaching work that he assigned to followers of Jesus Christ. (Lu 6:46; Mt 24:14; 28:19, 20) They may also claim to serve God but reject his representatives, his visible organization It is evident that there is a distinction between a 'falling' due to weakness and the 'falling away' that constitutes apostasy. The latter implies a definite and willful withdrawal from the path of righteousness. (1Jo 3:4-8; 5:16, 17) Whatever its apparent basis, whether intellectual, moral, or spiritual, it constitutes a rebellion against God and a rejection of his Word of truth.-2th 2:3, 4; see MAN OF LAWLESSNESS. *** w86 3/15 p. 13 par. 10 'Do Not Be Quickly Shaken From Your Reason' *** When a fellow human tells us, 'Do not read this' or, 'Do not listen to that,' we may be tempted to ignore his advice. But remember, in this case Jehovah is the One who tells us in his Word what to do. And what does he say about apostates? "Avoid them" (Romans 16:17, 18); "quit mixing in company with" them (1 Corinthians 5:11); and "never receive [them] into your homes or say a greeting to [them]" (2 John 9, 10). These are emphatic words, clear directions. If, out of curiosity, we were to read the literature of a known apostate, would that not be the same as inviting this enemy of true worship right into our home to sit down with us and relate his apostate ideas? Diane Metzler May, 2013

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