Side A Pernelle, Orgon. MRS PERNELLE My son, I can by no means believe Him capable of so black a deed. ORGON What?

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1 Side A Pernelle, Orgon My son, I can by no means believe Him capable of so black a deed. What? Good men are always envied. What are you trying to say, Mother? That there are strange goings on in this house, And that I know only too well how much he is hated here. What has that hatred got to do with what I ve just told you? I told you a hundred times when you were little: Virtue is always attacked in this world; The envious may die, but envy itself lives on forever. What has this got to do with what s going on today? Certain people will have invented a hundred silly stories about him. I ve just told you that I saw the whole thing myself. The malice of the wicked is boundless. For Heaven s sake, mother. I tell you That I saw this appalling crime with my own eyes.

2 Side B Orgon, Dorine Has everything gone well these past two days? How have things been? How s everyone? Your dear wife had a dreadful fever the day before Yesterday right up until the evening. With a headache you wouldn t believe. What about Tartuffe? Tartuffe? He s in wonderful form, Fat and sleek, rosy cheeks, in perfect health. The poor fellow. The man s a martyr! In the evening she felt really sick, And couldn t touch a thing at supper. Her head was absolutely splitting! What about Tartuffe? He dined by himself, right in front of her, He had two partridges, very devoutly, With half a leg of lamb, minced. The poor fellow! A martyr I tell you. She didn t get a wink all night; Violent hot flushes kept her from sleeping, We had to sit by her bedside until daybreak. What about Tartuffe?

3 Side C Tartuffe, Dorine Let us pray that Almighty God will graciously Please to keep us in his care this day, unworthy maggoty creatures though we be. If anyone needs me, I shall be visiting prisoners To share with them what poor alms I have. What a creep! What do you want? To tell you (Takes a handkerchief from his pocket.) Ah! Dear God, I beseech you, Take this handkerchief before you speak. What? Cover that swelling, plump, and over bounteous boson Which offends Almighty God, Allah the Most Merciful and me. These are the Devil s cannonballs! And can blow down the defences of even the most righteous. You have a problem with a bit of chest? Of course, whatever gets you hot and bothered: But it takes a bit more than that to get me going, And if you were stark naked, I doubt there s anything there would do the trick. A little modesty, I pray, Or I must take my leave of you at once. No, no, I ll leave you in peace, I only have two words to say. My Lady is coming down, And begs the favour of a word with you.

4 Side D Elmire, Tartuffe My God, you throw me into turmoil! How violently you pursue your desires! What? Is there no relief from your passion, Will you give me no time to breathe? But if you look on my devotion with a benevolent eye, Why would you refuse me concrete tokens that it s so? But how can I give in to your demands, Without offending that Heaven which you re always on about? I can banish these absurd fears, My Lady. It is true that Heaven forbids certain pleasures, in theory; But one can always get round that; According to requirement, it is a science To stretch the limits of our conscience And to balance out the evil of the deed With the purity of the intention. Nothing simpler, My Lady, than to instruct you in these mysteries; You need only let yourself be led. Give me what I want and have no fear; I ll take the sin upon myself. That s a nasty cough, My Lady. Yes, I m in agony. Would you care for a little of this liquorice juice? It s a stubborn cold, I m afraid and I don t think All the juice in the world will do me any good here. It certainly is annoying. Yes, more than one can say.

5 Side E Damis, Dorine May lightning strike me down this instant, May I be hooted, mocked and coated with foul ordure by everyone I know If any consideration, power or respect prevents me, From doing whatever it takes to stop this vile abomination! Steady on: All your father has done so far is talk about it. Not all proposals come to pass, And it s a long way from the plan to the fact. I must confound the plots of this smug villain, And have a word or two in his enormous ear. Easy now. As for him, and for your father, Leave them to your stepmother. She s going to talk to him on your behalf; And find out his views on this unwelcome marriage, Find out his thoughts, and let him know What troubles and difficulties it might lead to, If he is really intent on going through with it. His man says he s praying, and I couldn t get to see him; But the servant said he would be down shortly. So off you go and let me wait for him. I could be here while they talk. No. It s best they re alone. I won t say a word to him. You re joking: I know your temper And that s just the way to spoil everything. Go.

6 Side F Mariane, Valere So it s like that, is it, your love? And I shouldn t have believed you When you Please let s not talk of that. You have said quite plainly that I should accept The man proposed to me for a husband: And I tell you that I intend to do so, Since you have so well advised me. Don t use my advice as an excuse. You had already made up your mind; And you leap at a footling pretext To let you break your word. Quite true, you re so right. I m sure; and your heart Was never really passionate about me. Is that truly what you think? Indeed it is. And I know where to take my vows and my hand. Oh! I don t doubt it at all. I have hopes of the favour another will grant me, And I know just whose heart, once they know of my loss, Will consent at once to offer me consolation. The loss is not so great; and you ll be easily consoled I m quite sure. A man s honour is wounded when his heart is rejected.

7 Side G Orgon, Cleante Brother, what you say is gravely disrespectful to religion: You re demonstrating the parlous state of your soul; And as I have often preached to you before, You ll end up tangled in some wickedness. CLÉANTE That s how people like you always talk: You want everyone else to be as blind as you are. It s disrespectful to have a pair of functioning eyes, is it? The falsely devout are like the falsely brave; And as we see that those who make the most noise Are not the bravest when the moment comes, So the truly good, the truly devout, Are not the ones making all this racket about it. So what are you saying? You make no distinction Between hypocrisy and devotion? And give the same respect to a mask as to a face, Equate artifice and sincerity, Confuse appearance with the truth, And value fake coins as highly as real ones? The majority of men are strangely made! Oh yes, and you, of course, are such a sage; All the world s wisdom is united in you; You are the only wise man, the only enlightened one, An oracle, a Solomon; Next to you all other men are fools. CLÉANTE Of course not, Brother, But one thing I do know, Is how to tell the difference between true and false. To be frank, your man is not this sort: And I believe that you are cruelly deceived. Well now, my dear brother-in-law, are you done? CLÉANTE Yes. Really? Nothing more? Right, well, excuse me. ( He makes to leave.)