The Aeneid. Scene 1: Setting the Scene. Scene 2: That Stupid Horse

Transcription

1 The Aeneid Scene 1: Setting the Scene Greetings my awestruck audience. My name is Publius Vergilius Maro, but you can just call me Virgil. I m a famous Roman guy who lived in the first century CE (in Rome). I m pretty much known around the world as Virgil. You might think that s because my full name is too hard to pronounce, but it s not. It s because I m really, really famous, like Madonna, or Cher, or Bono. With that kind of fame, who needs more than one name? So like these iconic individuals, I too am a rock star. I created and performed one of the most famous pieces of old fashioned rock and roll. Back in the day, we didn t go to rock concerts for entertainment; we went to hear poetry, and I m a poet. I m a kick butt poet. None of that pansy little rhyming stuff for me. I went for the big poem: the epic. And my epic poem is called The Aeneid. It s made up of 12 chapters (called books ) and 9,896 lines written in dactylic hexameter. It s pretty much THE epic of Rome. I took a look at Homer s Iliad and Odyssey (you know, that dead Greek poet) and thought to myself, Self! You can do that! So I did. But instead of using Greek heroes (because I'm not Greek you know, I m Roman), I used a hero who is considered the first Roman ancestor: Aeneas. And also, instead of using Greek gods, I used Roman gods. It s kind of confusing because the gods are actually Greek in the setting (the time of the Trojan War), but I give them Roman names. You know what they say: When in Rome, do as the Romans do. My hero is Aeneas. He is a ninja-moving, woman-loving, swordplay fighting adventurer. Oh, and just in case you don t believe I m as famous as I think I am, in the 12 th century, another Italian who goes by one name, Dante, wrote a really famous epic poem called The Inferno, and I m a star in it! I live on. So here we go, learning about the adventures of the mighty Aeneas! Scene 2: That Stupid Horse Setting: The beach outside of Troy, during the Trojan War Cast of Characters Priam: King of Troy Laocoon: priest of Troy Laocoon s son #1: Laocoon Jr. Laocoon s son #2: Laocoon Jr. Jr. Sinon: a Greek spy Neptune: god of the sea (aka. Poseidon) Virgil: our trusty narrator Bobby, observant bystander and annoying comic relief

2 Virgil: Wars and a man I sing an exile driven on by Fate, he was the first to flee the coast of Troy Priam: What the heck? Who is that and what s with that verbiage? Virgil: Hush old man. I m the trusty narrator and I m starting the epic as all Greek epics begin (and this Roman one), with an invocation to the muse. Priam: Invocation? Muse? What are you talking about? Virgil: The muses are nine goddesses of all things high and artistic, like song, poetry, and epic poetry. A poet writes poetry because his/her muse visits and provides divine insight. And an invocation is a fancy word meaning entreaty or call. So I m asking the muse to visit me with divine inspiration for this wowzer story. Priam: Well go away and let me get started! Okay, it looks like those pesky Greeks have finally left us alone. It s been 10 years of siege and fighting, and I m ready to get on with my life. It totally stinks that most of my kids are dead and the stores of my city are depilated. But hey, we ve still got Helen! Bobby: Holy Moly King Priam. This beach is a P-I-G sty. Look at all the dead Greek guys, and then there s that big wooden horse statue thingy. Whadda think that s for? Priam: Well Bobby, it seems pretty obvious that the Greeks were artistic guys, even in their battle lust. They created this as an expression of their love for horses. Bobby: Horses? Why? What do the Greeks have to do with horses? I thought we were associated with horses. Priam: We are Bobby, my little observant friend. But the Greeks revere Poseidon (a god who supported them in this war), and Poseidon is associated with horses. And don t even get me started on why a sea god has land animals representing him. Something to do with Demeter and seduction. So they made this horse to honor Poseidon. Or it could be that the Greeks left it as a gift to us. Or it could be that the Greeks made something so big and cool as a dare for us to try to get it into our city. Lacoon: Pardon me oh great and wise king. But this horse could be a trap. You know what they say: Beware of Greeks baring gifts. Priam: You re making that up. It s a unique piece and I want it in the main square of Troy. Think how this trophy will look. Everyone will see it and remember that we won that war! Lacoon: Seriously my gracious and wise King. That is not a good idea. I m a priest. I ve studied at the best priest schools in Troy. I know what I m talking about. Bobby: Hey, who s this guy?

3 Virgil: The group stumbles upon a man tied up on the ground. Sinon: I m Sinon. I m a Greek, but you can be assured that I m not a Greek spy. Those nasty Greeks left me here because we had a disagreement, and this was their punishment to me. Those vile rats! But I would be more than happy to tell you about this horse. A couple of our Greek heroes violated the temple of Athena. When she gets mad, it s tough to calm her down. Anyway, she demanded a giant horse of wood. Simple enough, right? Priam: Well, if this horse is intended for Athena, that settles it. We re taking it in the city. Lacoon: Seriously my impetuous King. Don t be a dolt. It s a trap I tell you. Neptune: from the sea: Holy smokes. This jerk is going to ruin everything. I have to take him out, now. Good thing I never travel far without a handy dandy sea monster around. Sea monster, go get Lacoon, and take out his sons while you re at it. Lacoon s son #1: Look daddy, there s curious movement in the water. Lacoon s son #2: It could be a monster. Let s go examine it! Lacoon s son #1: Oh no! It has me in its vice-like grip! Help me! Lacoon s son #2: Oh no! It also has me in its vice-like grip! Help me! Lacoon: Hang on boys! I ll wrestle this monster to the dea... Neptune from the sea: chuckle, chuckle. Bobby: Wow, that was cool! The monster ate all three of them. Priam: That settles it. If that isn t a sign, I don't know what is. We are taking this horse into the city now! Sinon: Here Sire. Let me help. Virgil: And so the Trojans moved the horse through the gates of Troy and into the city. Little did they know, hiding within the horse was a group of Greek heroes. They waited until nightfall, and when all the Trojans were asleep (after many hours of celebrating), they sprang out, opened the gates of the city, let in the Greek army, and the massacre began. Trust me. It was pretty ugly. Scene 3: Enter our Hero Setting: Aeneas posh palace inside Troy

4 Cast of Characters Aeneas: our hero, considered a prince of Troy (though he s not really a prince, he is related to the royal family) Anchises: our hero s dad Ascanius: our hero s son Creusa: our hero s wife Venus: our hero s mom and the goddess of love Helen: Queen of Sparta and now a resident of Troy Ghost of Hector: A now-dead prince of Troy King Priam Bobby Aeneas: Here I am, lying on my bed. I ve been celebrating with the rest of the Trojans, and now I m dreaming. Hey, is that Hector, a real prince of Troy (unlike me who just borrows the title to make my character look more heroic). Ghost of Hector: Fly Aeneas. The enemy is within the walls of Troy. Aeneas: Holy Smokes! Ghost of Hector: That s right Aeneas. That s smoke. It s a city of stone, but it s still burning. Fly you fools! Aeneas: Okay! I m awake now! That smoke detector just isn t working. I m not flying though. I m a rugged, heroic man, so I m going to strap on my armor and go fight the Greeks who have overrun our city. The odds are totally against me, but my heroic gland is working overtime, so I m going to fight! But wait, what s this? A dead Greek. I ll put on his armor and disguise myself as a Greek! Then I can sneak around the city and see what s happening. Priam: Gad Zooks! Those darned Greeks have gotten into my city and palace. They have the nerve to attack me in my own private temple. Crap! I ve been wounded! I m dying, burble, burble, burble... Bobby: Gosh King Priam. You re dead. I better find a place to hide or the Greeks will get me too. I ll go hike up into the mountains. Aeneas: Well, I guess I can t help the king. I better head on back home. Trouble might be a-brewing there. But wait, who is this hotty hanging out in the temple of Vesta? (That s Hestia to the Greeks, but as this is a Roman epic, we re calling her Vesta.) It s Helen! Oh man, she s the reason for all this fighting to begin with. I m going to mess her up. I m going to do her in. Venus: Don t be so hot headed my son. You know I don t like war, but here I am, and why? Because you need to stay focused! I swear, you must have ADHD. Leave Helen

5 alone and get your butt back to your family. If you haven t noticed, Troy is being sacked. Should I remind you that this is a bad thing? Your family could be in deep doo-doo. Now skedaddle! Aeneas: Sure mom. Sorry! Venus: Don t mention it, and say hi to your dad for me. Aeneas: Dad? That s right! Dad is old and feeble. I bet he can t defend himself. I better get to his house. Anchises: Hey there Aeneas. Took you long enough to get here. Off chatting with your mom, that tartly goddess? Aeneas: Dad! That s no way to talk about mom! But hey, let s get out of here. Come on, get on my back and I ll piggy back you out of Troy. Anchises: Nope, not gonna do it. I m old and ready to die. Besides, I would just hold you up, so you run off without me. I ll show you how to be a real hero! Aeneas: Okay dad, if that s how you want it, you can stay. But you can t out-hero me. I m gong back out to the battle. Creusa: You knucklehead! You ll die out there, and we ll die in here. Besides, look at your son. There s a fire around his head, and no common fire, but a divine fire which means he is dear to the gods, so you CAN T let him die. Anchises: Okay, that s just plain creepy, but it is indeed a sign. I guess that means we better all hit the road. Aeneas: So Dad, I ll carry you and Ascanius will follow, and then Creusa follow behind him, but not too close. Creusa: Why not too close? Aeneas: Because if I m going to go off on an adventure for the length of an epic poem, I can t have a wife tagging along. No, I m sorry babe, but you have to die, and soon. I think it s best to have the Greeks take you out. They re already the antagonists, so it s fitting. Creusa: Whatever. Aeneas: Let me just put this lion s skin on my shoulders as a symbol of my heroic ferocity, and then I ll heft my dad. Okay, let s go!

6 Ascanius: Hey dad. Mom s disappeared. I think the Greeks got her while we were sprinting through the city. Anchises: I told her not to wear those pumps. Not practical when fleeing from enemies. Aeneas: No look, there is she is. Hey Creusa! What happened? Creusa: I ll tell you what happened you nut. I m a ghost! I got killed by some Greeks because you were too focused on being the guardian of the males in your house. I guess I m just replaceable, but I suspect that will be a theme in this text: The quest for and conquering of lands and women. Anyway, I m dead now, so no need to hang out chatting it up with a ghost. Better get on your way and get the heck out of Troy. Oh, but before you go, Zeus told me to tell you that you re going to have great prosperity and marry a wife of royal race. And me? Not that you care, but I m going to be a servant in your mom s temple. Aeneas: Wow, sorry about the focusing thing. That s my ADHD kicking in. I promise I ll work on focus and focus in the right area. Okay, so I guess we better hide in the hills until the Greeks leave. Scene 4: The Journey Begins Setting: Outside of Troy and on the Mediterranean Sea Cast of Characters Aeneas Bobby Skippy: a ship builder Virgil: our trusty narrator Ghost of Polydorus: a prince of Troy Polymestor: King of Thrace Priest of Apollo Mysterious epic voice (probably the god Apollo) Aeneas: Well, it looks like the Greeks have taken everything they possibly can from Troy: treasures, cattle, women and children. Bobby: What about the men? Aeneas: Oh, there are a few who survived as slaves, but the Greeks killed most of them, and they killed the male children of any royalty because they might grow up and seek revenge. Girls don t do that. Bobby: Except for Medea, and Clytemnestra, and the Wicked Witch of the West, and Madame Defarge, and Miss Havisham, and...

7 Aeneas: Shut up kid. So, I guess we need to build some ships and get the heck out of here. There s nothing left to Troy and no point in sticking around. Besides, my wife s ghost said I was going to have great prosperity and marry a wife of royal race. I don t see a lot of that around here. Also, there are all these Trojan stragglers who got out and hid in the mountains. I need to take care of them. That s the hero in me talking. Skippy: Hey Aeneas, we ve got all the ships built and we ve collected all the survivors. There are a bunch of guys who showed up. Said they were taken as salves: some escaped, some killed their masters, and some masters let them go. All in all, we re not looking too bad when it comes to numbers. But I can t tell you how many of us there are because stupid Virgil didn t think to include that information. Virgil: It s not quantity, it s quality. Aeneas: Well, here we are in Thrace. For those of you who are geographically challenged, Thrace is north of Turkey (where Troy was located) and is currently called Bulgaria. They re our buddies and helped us out during the war. Besides, Priam was no idiot. He sent one of his many sons, Polydorus, and a boat load (literally) of gold to Polymestor, King of Thrace for safekeeping. And here s Polydorus now! Ghost of Polydorus: No you knucklehead. I m the ghost of Polydorus. Aeneas: You mean you re dead?! Ghost of Polydorus: That s traditionally how ghosts come about. You see, there I was in Thrace, all content to be the last remaining son of King Priam, but when King Polymestor found out Troy fell, he took the gold, killed me and threw me into the water with no proper burial. King Polymestor: That s right, but that witch of a mother of his found out about it, and even though she had been captured and became a slave, she managed to get her revenge by having all my sons killed. That just stunk! Aeneas: You are not a nice person, and this is not a nice place. A nice place would have a good king. I guess that means this can t be our home. We are outa here! Skippy: Look Aeneas, there s an island over there. Let s land. Wait, it s a weird island it kind of floats. Bobby: Don t all islands float? If they didn t, wouldn t they sink into the sea? Skippy: Shut up kid. Aeneas: This looks like Delos, the famous floating island where Apollo and Artemis were born. Apollo s always been a supporter of Troy, so this place should be safe for us.

8 Priest of Apollo: Hail mighty Trojans! What brings you to this peaceful spot? A little R&R perhaps? We serve a nice mojito. Aeneas: No time for rest old man. We want to ask the god Apollo an important question. Priest of Apollo: Okay, but make sure you use your elevated epic language when speaking to the god. Aeneas: Okiee, dokiee, here goes: Oh Apollo, hear me, for thou wert always a friend to Troy. Give us, I pray thee, a place where we, who alone are left, may rest, a land of our own, and a kingdom that shall endure forever. Tell us whither we should go, whom we should follow, and for what we may look. And speak plainly, I beseech these, so that I may understand. Mysterious epic voice: Sons of Troy. Go seek the land where your fathers lived in the old time. The county that sent you out will welcome you again. Then the house of Aeneas shall grow and prosper until it reigns over the entire world. Aeneas: Wow! It s amazing to hear the voice of the god! Bobby: Hey Aeneas, I swear I saw the priest s lips moving. Priest: Shut up kid. Aeneas, let me tell you the meaning of the god s statement. Aeneas: No, I think it s pretty clear. I need to get back to where the Trojans came from. I do believe that s a place called Italy, not too far from here to the north. Priest: No, no, no. Only I can interpret the words. You need to go south, to the island of Crete. Aeneas: Okay, let s go! Bobby: Wait, that s not what the god said. Aeneas: Shut up kid. Scene 5: A Trip to the Oracle. No, Wait! An Adventure with the Harpies Setting: Some land, some sea, same old, same old. Cast of Characters Aeneas Skippy, the ship builder now elevated to first mate Bobby Collection of Trojan gods Virgil

9 Harpy Bobby: Well, Crete sure was a bust. Poisoned air, blight, drought, fever, and death. Maybe going south wasn t such a good idea... Skippy: Shut up kid. Aeneas: I must admit, I m puzzled. I just don t know which way to go. Perhaps I should go consult the oracle at Delphi. Not only does it have an in with Apollo, but I hear the priestess is a real hotty. And you know my search for women must continue. Skippy: No Aeneas, she s an older woman, but whatever floats your boat... get it? Floats your boat? And we re on a boat? Aeneas: No I don t get it. I m a hero so everything is very serious to me. I m going to take a nap. Wake me when the wind changes and we can get going. Collection of gods: Aeneas, we are coming to you in a dream. Aeneas: Wow, it s a collection of gods! Is this real? Collection of gods: No you numbskull. This is a dream, like we just said. Just wanted you to know that we are always with you. We are the Trojan gods who have traveled form the ruins to be with you. Do not fear your wandering. Look for a land called Hesperia, in the West. It is ancient and the people are strong and brave. Oh, it s also called Italy. Now go tell your dad what you ve dreamed about. He s got a good head on his shoulders. Aeneas: Dad, Dad! Wake up! I just had a dream that a bunch of Trojan gods told me to got Hesperia, or Italy. Anchises: Wow, now that you mention it, I remember Cassandra yelling about some place called Italy and how it should be our resting place. But she was such a nutcase, no one ever paid any attention to her. Skippy: Hey guys, the wind has changed. It s time to go to Delphi. Anchises: Change of plans Skippy: we re going to Italy, maybe pick up some pizza, have some Italian ice. I can hardly wait! Virgil: Time passes and the ships sail peacefully towards the mysterious Italy, land of yummy food such as pizza, Italian ice and pasta (though that actually originated in China and did not find its way to Italy until Marco Polo brought it back from his travels). Skippy: Whoa! Look at that cloud will ya? That there s a big storm. Batten down the hatches. We re in for a rough ride!

10 Virgil: The brave Trojan mini-fleet battled the storm for three days. On the fourth day the clouds cleared, but the fleet did not know where they were. Skippy: I do not know where we are. Anchises: Let s sail towards that pleasant looking island over yonder. It looks to have herds of goats and oxen. Skippy: Even better, let s eat some of those goats and oxen. Here, random soldier, you slaughter the meat, Bobby, you collect some firewood, Anchises, you set the table, Aeneas, you do that prayer and sacrifice thing for the gods, and I ll prepare some attractive and nutritious side dishes to complement our meal. Aeneas: Okay everyone, this looks great. Let s dig in. Virgil; Just then three large birds with the heads of women flew into the picture. Skippy: Hey, that really ugly woman bird just stole my food away! Anchises: Mine too, and then she pooped on my plate! Aeneas: Yuck! These creatures are gross. They keep taking our food and pooping on what s left! Bobby: I think they re harpies, or the hounds of Zeus. Let s try shooting them down. Virgil: And so all the soldiers tried to shoot the Harpies down. Their skin was too tough to be penetrated, but they did finally fly away, a tad disheveled. But one harpy remained. Harpy: You may have thwarted us now you whippersnappers! But just know this: you may reach your land of pizza and Italian ice, but before you are successful there, you will be so hungry that you will have to eat the plates on which you set your meat. Virgil: And on that ominous note, the harpy flew off. Scene 6: Meeting Friends Setting: A random island Cast of Characters: Random character on an island Aeneas Skippy: the first mate Andramache: wife of Hector a dead prince of Troy Helenus: current husband of Andromache and a prince of Troy, brother to Hector

11 Ascanius: our hero s son Random character: Ahoy matey! Where are all you guys (and gals) going? Aeneas: We are lost Trojans seeking Italy, land of pizza and frozen ices. Random character: Well, if what I know about the Trojan War is true, you don t want to land on that island over there. That s Ithaca, island of Odysseus (or Ulysses in the Latin). Aeneas: You are so right my friend. A bad land of a bad man. Random character: However, I have heard a rumor that there is land where a living prince of Troy reigns. I can provide you with directions too! Aeneas: That would be greatly appreciated random character. Skippy: Hey Aeneas. Looks like that Trojan prince land is just up ahead. Aeneas: Who s that lady by the alter? (Who s that lady? Beautiful Lady? I could make a song about that). Andromache: Aeneas!? Can it be you! It s me, Andromache! You remember, Hector s widow? I know I ve aged a little, but slavery and grief will do that to a gal. Aeneas: Holy cow Andromache. What are you doing here and what is this place? Andromache: Well, you remember how the best of all men (my husband) was killed? After Troy fell, all the females were taken as love slaves or just slaves you know special tent friends. I was taken by Achilles son, Neoptolemus, also known as Pyrrhus. For some reason he wanted to marry me, so we got hitched, even though I was still a slave. Then stupid Pyrrhus saw Helen s daughter (you know, Helen of Troy, now Helen of Sparta), Hermione, and decided he wanted to marry her. So I got dumped. Anyway, Pyrrhus decided to marry me off to another Trojan slave. Turns out, it was Hector s brother, the seer Helenus! In the meantime, Pyrrhus and Orestes, Agamemnon s son, fought over Hermione and Pyrrhus bit the dust. Don t ask me why, but for some reason Helenus got some of his kingdom, so here I am, a queen! Helenus: Hey, hey, hey! Is that Aeneas? Wow, it s a small world! Welcome buddy! Let s have feast! It s not as big as Troy, but it s still home, and we still welcome guests. Come on everybody! Ascanius: Daddy, didn t you say that Helenus was a seer? How about you get him to seer for us? Maybe he can steer for us.

12 Helenus: Hey kid, you should be a poet! But sure I ll help you guys out. Let s go to the temple of Apollo and check out what the god says. First, we ll do our sacrifice thing, then I ll go into this trance-like state and then tell you what I ve learned. Virgil: And so Helenus spoke to the god Apollo: Helenus: Okay, so here s the story. It appears that for some reason Juno (Hera) won t let me tell you everything I know, but I will say that in order to get to Italy, the land of pizza and ices, you will have to cross many seas and avoid many Greeks (cause you know they re a bad lot). You ll know you re in the right place when you see a white sow with thirty piglets about her. And don t worry about the harpies prophecy about eating your plates. Apollo says he ll help you with that when the time comes. Now, for more information on your journey you have to go past the island of Sicily, avoiding the monsters Scylla and Charybdis, and then to the land of Cumae to speak to an old, wise woman called the Sibyl. Oh, and don t forget to honor Juno! Skippy: Can t you just tell us what we need to know instead of us taking this long voyage to another land? Helenus: Nope, that s not how it works in the Greek prophet world or the areas of epics! I have to send you on the most circuitous route possible to add in your heroic adventures. Bobby: That s kind of a stupid system, not to mention dangerous. Helenus: Maybe, if you re looking at it from your individual point of view. But your adventures will live on in history for generations to enjoy and revel in. That s one important element of being a hero: your tale lives on, so it must be fraught with danger to overcome it makes you seem even more epic! It will also make your ancestors of Rome feel invincible as they come from hearty hero stock. Scene 7: Meeting Enemies Setting: Yet another random island... or is it? Cast of Characters: Aeneas Skippy, the first mate Raggedy man Anchises: Aeneas dad Bobby Aeneas: Well, that looks like land. Let s stop there for the night and relax. Skippy: Look Aeneas, there s a raggedy man stumbling this way. My goodness but he looks a hot mess!

13 Aeneas: Raggedy man, who are you? What are you doing here? Raggedy man: I m a man from Ithaca. I sailed with Odysseus. We called him that as a Greek, but since you re going to be Italians soon (or Romans), you know him by the name of Ulysses. Anyway, I was one of the 12 men that Ulysses took on land when we visited the Cyclopes cave. They all escaped, but for some unknown reason I was left behind. Bobby: Perhaps that s a handy plot device that Virgil is using to bring up a past exciting event. Raggedy man: Who the heck is Virgil? Anyway, you better bug out of town really fast if you want to live. And please, please, please, please take me with you. Skippy: No way, you re a Greek and we hates Bagginses, I mean Greeks. Aeneas: Of course we ll take him. He s pathetic, and taking a lost enemy along will make me look more compassionate to my readers. Climb aboard! Anchises: Aeneas, I m not feeling well. In fact, I m dying. Aeneas: Yikes! My dad just died! Let s stop over here at this island and bury him. I think this island is called Sicily. Scene 8: Shipwreck? Setting: The open water Cast of Characters: Aeneas Skippy Bobby Juno Jupiter Venus Aeolus: king of the winds Winds Neptune Juno: I really, really hate those Trojans. I can t believe there are still some sailing about. Venus: Back off Hera. Those Trojans are all that s left of a fine city, and they re being led by my son, the brave and heroic Aeneas.

14 Juno: Well Troy might have been a great city at one time, but the city of Carthage, being built by the beautiful queen Dido, will outshine Troy. Carthage is in northern Africa, where current day Tunisia is now. Venus: Dido? What kind of a name is that? It rhymes with Fido! Juno: You are so childish Venus. Jupiter: Sorry Juno. It will be a great city, but it will not be as great as the city Aeneas will help build: Rome. Juno: Well, we ll just see about that. I know, I ll go talk to my friend Aeolus. He s the king of the winds. He owes me a favor. Oh mighty King Aeolus (he likes to be pandered to), do me a favor and blow those Trojan ships out of the water. Aeolus: No problem-o Jun-o. Watch my winds chase after those Trojan ships! Skippy: Aeneas, that storm is coming in fast. It has a face like an angry Juno. Aeneas: It does, which pretty much means we re doomed. Winds: Blow, blow, blow! We re going to wreck havoc on these poor Trojan saps! Neptune: What is all this racket? Winds: We re just blowing these ships about per the request of our keeper, King Aeolus. Neptune: Aeolus, what are you doing? Aeolus: Uh, just following orders from Juno. Neptune: I thought so. Look, I don t like these Trojans any more than Juno does, but what I like even less is someone hedging in on my territory. These winds are messing with my water. Now scram! Aeneas: Looks like the storm is dissipating. Look, there s land. We should steer toward it. Skippy: You bet! But we seem to have lost a bunch of our ships. I hope they get to land as well. Bobby: Oh boy, I bet this land will be yet another addition to the arc of our plot. Aeneas: Shut up kid. Let s just land, discover how rich this land is with cattle etc., kill some animals for sacrifice and have a feast. Scene 9: Our Northern Africa Adventure Begins

15 Setting: Carthage, a vast city in northern Africa (current day Tunisia) Cast of Characters: Aeneas Achates: a friend to Aeneas Venus Aeneas: Well, we ve landed yet again. Okay my friend and companion Achates. We are mighty adventurers and warriors, let s venture forth and discover what we can of this land. Achates: Look Aeneas, I spy a beautiful maiden yonder. She looks like a Spartan huntress. Venus: Greetings strangers, I am seeking one of my sisters. Have you seen a girl wearing the skin of a spotted lynx and sporting a bow and arrows? (get it? sporting a bow and arrows because archery is a sport) Aeneas: Achates, that s no Spartan. That s a really bad punster and an immortal goddess I feel it in my bones. Oh lady, I have not seen such a woman as you seek, but I sense that you are more than a mere mortal woman. Surely you must be a goddess. Look kindly upon us and tell us of this new land. Venus: Oh pisha! You rascal! Do you greet all girls that way? You ll certainly go too far! As for this land, you are in the land of Queen Dido and the country is Africa. This queen, she s actually had quite a few adventures. She fled from a vicious king in Tyre (that s present day Lebanon). This nasty king had killed Dido s husband, but fortunately her husband was really good about post-mortem communication and visited her as a ghost even without a Ouija board! He told her where there was a lot of gold hidden, so she grabbed it and a ton of followers who also hated the king, and presto! Here she is! What a gal. Aeneas: Wow, this sounds like a leader among women. I would love to see the city and meet her, but how can I leave my ship? And we ve lost 19 of the others. I have to find them! Venus: Don t worry about them. See those 20 swans flying above? See that eagle swooping upon them and scattering them? And now they are all back in formation? So it shall be with your ships: they may scatter, but they will reform as a union. Aeneas: That sign is good enough for me. Let s go! Achates: Aeneas, do we really want to trust a teenage huntress wearing a dead cat and using birds to predict the future?

16 Aeneas: Hum, I see your point, but she does have a rosy light emanating from her, and there is a heavenly perfume about her. This is no ordinary dead-cat wearing teen; this is my mother, Venus. Achates: Everyone has to be related to a god around here! Aeneas: Mom, I wish you would just be up front with me instead of all these disguises. Wait! Mom? Where did you go? Venus (as disembodied voice from above): As a goddess it s a cheap thrill to visit morals and wow them with my disguises. Just go to the city bubbykins. I ll shroud you in a mist so no one can see you until you get there. And as an added benefit, I m going to make you look even more beautiful than you are (if that was possible). Achates: Look Aeneas, let s go into that big temple in the middle of the city, the temple of Juno, I mean Hera since Juno is a Roman goddess and we haven t founded Rome yet. I m so confused! Aeneas: Nice décor! These murals are all depicting the Trojan War they have good taste in wall art. They know how much the Trojans have suffered so they must not be barbarians. And look! There I am. Don t I look handsome? Let s hang out here and chill until we can come up with a plan. Scene 10: Another Love up in Flames Setting: Carthage Cast of Characters: Aeneas Achates Dido Sergestus and buddies, all lost crew from Aeneas boats Jupiter Skippy Virgil Dido: Well here I am, at the temple of Juno again. I hang out here a lot. I ve brought my collection of attractive young people with me. There s nothing so swell as a group of young hotties hanging with their queen. It s like the popular clique in school and I m Regina George, but a nicer version. The more I surround myself with attractive people, the more everyone wants to be by my side. Yet look, something unusual is going on: there s a strange foggy mist in the corner of the temple. Maybe some god is hiding a hero. Aeneas: This Venus-created mist sure is a convenient way to get around. Look Achates. That must be Queen Dido with a collection of hot young folks. But wait, look over there. Here comes a big crowd of people. Who are they?

17 Achates: This mist must have really gotten to your head. That's Sergestus and all the men we thought we had lost in a past storm. They must have landed here as well. So now the queen has a group of attractive people and we ve got a group of macho men. They foil each other so our reader can see what is most important to each group: Dido (the woman) focuses on the physical, how people look; and Aeneas (the man) focuses on soldiers and arms. Let s go talk to them. Aeneas: Back the truck up buddy! Let s see how this queen treats our fellow soldiers first. It will give us an idea what we ve gotten ourselves into. Dido: Who are you men and from whence to you hail? Sergestus: Huh? Dido: That means who are you and where do you come from? Sergestus: Oh, sorry. Oh beautiful Queen, please receive us kindly. My name is Sergestus, and we are refugees from Troy. We have been separated from our own leader Aeneas. What a great guy. He s a good man, he did his duty, and he revers the gods. You just don t get any better than him, or better looking I might add. We were traveling with him to the Italy, land of pizza and pasta (once it s discovered by Marco Polo and brought back from the Chinese). Anyway, we can t find him, so we re seeking shelter. Dido: Relax Sergestus. Of course you and your men can stay here for a bit or for as long as you like. I am very attuned to the laws of hospitality, so you re safe here. But boy, I sure wish I could meet your leader Aeneas. I need a man like that in my life. Achates: Did you hear that Aeneas? Our friends are safe and are being treated well. Aeneas: Did you hear that Achates? I m a super guy and she needs someone like me! Dido: Observe my young hot group, that strange mist is dissipating. And who is that piece of loveliness I behold? Aeneas: It is I, Aeneas of Troy! Dido: Well Aeneas of Troy, you are lovely to behold. You must come to my palace so we can get better acquainted (nudge, nudge, wink, wink). We ll have a big feast and you can tell us all about the Trojan War. Aeneas: It s kind of a bummer. We were defeated, but I do have some awesome battle stories to tell (starring moi, naturally). Dido: In fact my handsome hunk of man, why don t you just move in and we can be a team?

18 Aeneas: That sounds like a swell suggestion. You re a queen, I ll be a king, and this land is pretty nice. I m in! Virgil: Sweet time passes, and Aeneas and his trusty crew are very content. Jupiter: So I send the guy out looking to found the greatest city in the world, Rome, and he gets sidetracked by this seductress. No way will my plan be thwarted. Aeneas, you ve stayed several months here in Carthage. I picked you to be the man to build the city to rule the world. Now get off your fanny and move on out. Aeneas: Jeez, I don t know what to do. I know I have this Italian job calling me, but Dido has been so swell to me and my men. What to do? What to do? I ll talk to Dido about it. Hey Dido, I ve gotten a message from Jupiter that it s time to go. I m reluctant because I really like you. What should I do? Dido: Well of course I m totally unbiased, but I think you should stay. It s storm season on the sea. And I have been really nice to you. I think you ve got a pretty sweet deal here. Aeneas: Your logic is impeccable, but I m going anyway. Dido: Look, just wait a bit. Okay? Aeneas: Okay, but meanwhile I m gong to prepare my ships. Virgil: So Aeneas prepared his ships, but that night, secretly, he snuck out the back door. Aeneas: I feel bad about this, but I m taking the ungentlemanly way out and sailing away in the dead of night. Aren t I a scallywag? Skippy: Why are you doing that Aeneas? That s not honorable. Aeneas: Well if you look at it from the typical cute couple position, you re right. But if you step back and view this from the epic position where women can be viewed as temptresses and seductresses who lure men (especially heroes) away from their divine pathway, then this is the path of least resistance. I mean, at least I didn t smite her! Dido: What?! Did the Trojans really sail away in the night? Is that the fleet I see on the horizon? Even though I m a strong, intelligent woman who rules a kingdom, I m an emotional wreck! There s just no accounting for love. All this time, I ve been honoring Juno, and the real power is in the temple of Venus. I guess I m part of the dynamic pull between matrimony and passion. Can you have them both? I m also part of this theme of women being left behind while the man searches to fulfill his destiny. I m going to kill myself in a dramatic way that will go down in literary history.

19 Skippy: Aeneas, look on the shore! There s that wacky Dido, stabbing herself with your sword and jumping on a funeral pyre! She s burning up! Aeneas: That s an impressive feat! She really was quite a woman. Scene 11: Let s Celebrate the Old Guy Setting: The sea and Sicily Cast of Characters: Aeneas Ghost of Anchises: Aeneas father Skippy Acestes: King of Sicily Bobby Skippy: Well Aeneas, you really outdid yourself back there. And was that Dido mad! I wouldn t be surprised if we feel the wrath of the gods on this one. Aeneas: Yup, Juno was already mad enough at us just for being Trojans, but now that I ve been so irresponsible with leading on Dido, and that she was a good woman who had honorable intentions, well, that s just asking for trouble. Skippy: So why the heck did you do it? Why did you leave her and why in the middle of the night? Aeneas: Well Skippy, it s like this. A man, especially a heroic man like me, has drive, goals and must answer the call of adventure and wanderlust. As an icon to other men, I need to blaze that trail, regardless of the feminine temptations that surround me. In addition, I have to answer to Jupiter, not Juno. I have to answer to the alpha manly god, not the goddess of domesticity, a traditionally feminine path. This way I assert myself as the dominate sex, in the house, on the sea, everywhere. Now as far as sneaking out after sunset, some may think that s just the coward in me, but it has something of a romantic tone. After all, it allows Virgil to totally bypass any weeping and gnashing of teeth on the woman s part, and it makes me look as if I don t care about her. As if I can just sail away onto the metaphor of my future. Skippy: Oh, okay. But that angry cloud and those huge swells tell me the gods are getting ready to dish out the crap. Aeneas: Let s forget about Italy, the land of pizza and pasta for now. Sicily is right over there. Steer towards that. Skippy: Sicily? We better be careful. There are two rules to follow: never get involved in a land war in Asia and never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.

20 Aeneas: What? Skippy: It s from The Princess Bride. You know, that awesome movie. You should all see it, but not now. Now we have to deal with Sicily and a funeral party. Acestes: hey Aeneas. Long time no see. How was Carthage? No? Okay, maybe we ll chat later. Look, make yourself at home. See how nicely I ve decorated your father s grave mound? Aeneas: I can t thank you enough Acestes. I know as a dutiful son I m responsible for honoring my father, so you ve done me a great favor. Now let s have some funeral games. Bobby: Funeral games? Why are we playing games at a funeral? Isn t that disrespectful? Aeneas: No Bobby, you see we Trojans are like the Greeks. We honor our dead by celebrating life, and one way to do that is the play games, but it s not games like board games. It s more like field games, contests of strength. This tradition is an ancient one and can be found as far back as Sumeria (3500 BCE). Acestes: Swell, but actually writing about and reading about the games can be kind of dull, so let s just say we did. Bobby: Oh I get it. The games are a device that Virgil used to present the strength of our hero and crew. They had physical games like wrestling, water games like ship racing, and war games like mini-battles. And it s also a way to show everyone how generous Aeneas is with his gifts. Acestes: Shut up kid. Scene 12: Fire and Hell Fire Setting: Sicily Cast of Characters: Aeneas Juno Iris Trojan women Acestes: King of Sicily Juno: Well I am really miffed! That Aeneas gets his way all the time. But not this time sucker! Iris, get down to the camp and disguise yourself as a Trojan woman. Convince the other women to burn those boats! Iris: Right-o Hera. Hey ladies, I know how you feel. I m a Trojan refugee too though for some reason you have never seen me before. We ve been sailing thither and yon far too

21 long. Carthage was swell, but Aeneas messed that up. Sicily is pretty swell too. In fact, in the future it will actually be an autonomous island associated with Italy, so why not stay here? Trojan Women: Yeah! You are so right girlfriend! What can we do? Iris: Well, the only way we can be assured to stay here is to get rid of their mode of transport. Trojan Women: Huh? Iris: Their boats you dolts. Let s get rid of them. Let s burn them! Trojan Women: Burn them! Yes, burn them! King Acestes: Ladies! Ladies! What the heck! Aeneas: Ladies! Ladies! What the heck! Trojan Women: Holy smokes (no pun intended). We are so sorry. What in the world possessed us? It must have been a goddess that appears to be an excuse for most excessive action. Aeneas: Well, now I m in a quandary. Should I stay here and just plant my roots, or should I go through all the rigmarole in building a new fleet of boats? King Acestes, what should I do? King Acestes: I have an idea, and it will make you look good (which is one of the motives of Virgil ya know). You have a bunch of whiners here who are tired of schlepping about, and you have some real adventure men (whom I greatly admire and naturally all manly men will admire). Why not build some ships for the guys, go off on your adventure and do your heroic thing. I ll keep the rest and build them a swell city. I ll name it after me: Acesta. Aeneas: You would do that for me? Ascanius: Of course I would. You ve won me over with your gregarious charm. And it makes me look pretty good too. Bobby: And it s a clever plot device to get rid of the hangers on who just slow us down. Ascanius: Shut up kid. Aeneas: Okay, well let me sleep on it. Maybe I ll have a dream where my dad will come and speak to me and tell me it s the right thing to do. After all, we are near his grave.

22 Ascanius: Okay, while you rest, I ll see to repairing the remaining ships, because I know you know it s a good idea. Aeneas: Boy do I feel refreshed after that dream, and I received a message from the other side. Hey guys, guess what? I know in my heart that it s a good idea to get on the remaining boats and seek the Holy Grail, no I mean the land of pizza and pasta. But before we go, I really need to visit my father s shade in Hades to check with him. I ll need to find the Sybil to act as a guide. Bobby: Oh, I know why! This is in preparation for your descent to Hades, a crucial element in the hero quest tale. The hero has to descend to Hades (or hell) and grapple with some issue of grief and loss and discover important information. Ascanius: Shut up kid. Scene 13: Hades Cast of Characters: Aeneas Deiphobe: the sibyl of Cumae: she s over 700 years old. Charon Venus Anchises Aeneas: Here s the house of the Sybil. I wonder what she ll tell me? Dang! You are a tiny, tiny thing. Sybil: That s fairly rude! Do you usually comment on people s size like that? Aeneas: Sorry, but in my time there is no political correctness. We tell it like it is, and you are really, really small, and a bit withered too. What s up with that? Sybil: Okay, so this is a lesson to be careful what you ask for. Apollo said I could have anything, so I asked for immortality. Aeneas: Wait! You didn't do what I think you did, did you? Sybil: Huh? Aeneas: You did! You forgot to ask for eternal youth to go with that immortality, didn t you? Just like Tithonus! Eos asked for immortality for her main squeeze Tithonus, and he got it, but he didn t get eternal youth. It was a true bummer for him. Sybil: You re right, I did forget that. But at least my plight is diluted by the fact that a very famous poet, T.S. Elliot wrote a poem called The Wasteland (maybe the most

23 important poem of the 20 th century) and I am mentioned at the start. It goes like this: I have seen with my own eyes the Sibyl hanging in a jar, and when the boys asked her What do you want? She answered, I want to die. But when Elliot put it in his poem, he wrote it in Latin, so everyone has to translate it. Aeneas: Why did he do that? Why didn t he just write it in English? Sybil: Who knows? Maybe it makes him seem more intelligent. Whatever. But anyway, I ve got something to say to you Aeneas! If you think that you are destined to visit Hades (or Dis as it s known in this epic), you must first receive a sign. Aeneas: I ve got a sign right here. It says This way to Rome. Sybil: I m going to ignore that. Go into the woods and find a golden bough nearby, (it was originally a gift from Pluto to Proserpina). Break it off. If it breaks easily, fate calls you to Dis; if it will not come off, you are not meant to travel yonder. Aeneas: What s a bough? Sybil: It s a fancy word for branch. Aeneas: Why not just call it the golden branch? Sybil: Because there s this famous book called The Golden Bough: A study in Magic and Religion. It was written (or will be written) by a Scottish anthropologist, Sir James George Frazer, around It was a super important book in that it discussed religion as a cultural phenomenon. The book was a link from our world to the world of religion; and your golden bough is a link between our world and the world of the dead. Aeneas: But that forest is ginormous! Oh wait! Back the tree truck up! There s a pair of doves guiding me. Remember everyone, doves are the symbol of my dear old mom (sorry dear YOUNG mom) Venus. They re taking me straight to the tree with the golden branch. Sybil: Now that s what I call deus ex machine. Aeneas: Huh? Sybil: Deus ex machine, it means god from the machine. It s when divine intervention aids in a positive outcome. It s literary cheating in my humble opinion. Aeneas: Well I call it the gods being on my side. Let s go to Hell! I mean Hades! I mean Dis! Wait, there s a river in my way, and (well, I hate to admit it), I can t swim.

24 Sybil: That could be a problem later for you. After all, you do spend a lot of time on boats. Regardless, fear not Aeneas. That is the river Acheron. You could not swim it even if you were Michael Phelps. We must cross it in the boat of Charon, the ferryman. Charon: Sorry folks, we re all full up. Sybil: Come on Charon. We have a reservation. Charon: Nope, no room for the living! You know the rules. No living in, and no living out. Sybil: I ve got the golden branch of awesomeness. You have to let us on the boat. Charon: Crap! The golden branch of awesomeness trumps all my rules. Oh, okay. Get on board. Aeneas: What in the heck is all that shrieking? Sybil: Those are the shrieks of the damned. They are suffering because Minos, the judge in Dis, has banished them to the really bad parts of this land. Aeneas: Rats! There s Dido. I just can t seem to shake that woman! I guess I ll go talk to her. It will make me look less of a jerk. Hey Dido, baby, let me give you a hug. Sybil: You can t hug her, and it looks like she wants nothing to do with you. She s hanging with her first husband. Aeneas: But that makes me look bad. Sybil: In Dis things are different. Ulysses was rejected by Ajax when he visited Hades, and he even learned from Achilles that it was better to be a slave on earth than a king in Hades. Aeneas: Geez! Even more screams. What s going on in there? Sybil: That s the fortress of Rhadamanthus, the judge who doles out judgments upon the sinners. They carry out all the tortures in there. Let s avoid it, shall we? Okay, here we are in the Blessed Groves. And look, there s your dad. Aeneas: Hey dad. Good to see you, and I would love to chat, but this chapter is already really long, so I m going to get right to the chase. I like Sicily, my people like Sicily, half the boats are ruined. I want to stay, but I feel like I need your blessing. Anchises: Oh Aeneas, you really are a dolt. Okay, quick like a bunny I ll tell you why you have to continue. If you get to the land of the Latins, marry the princess, found the city, and settle down, your son will have children, and his children will have children,

25 and his children will have children until finally there will be a set of twins: Remus and Romulus. Romulus will found Rome, Caesar will spring from this line, and there will be so much prosperity and culture that the world will change. All because of YOU! Also, if Rome is founded, Virgil can write this kick butt epic. So get back on that boat and continue your epic journey! Aeneas: Wow dad. Thanks for the pep talk. I ll be a dutiful son and do as you say. Scene 14: Time to Eat the Dishes Setting: The Tiber River in Italy (land of pizza and pasta once it s brought back from China) Cast of Characters: Aeneas Ascanius: son of our hero Skippy Bobby Skippy: Welcome back from Hades, I mean Dis, Aeneas. Glad everything went well. Tell me, where do we go now? Aeneas: Well, I learned a lot about what will happen in Italy (land of pizza and pasta) when our descendants actually found Rome, but not a lot about our lives. So, I m gonna wing it. Let s steer down that river, the Tiber, which if my geography studies serve me correctly goes right through where Rome will one day stand. Skippy: OK! Ascanius: Hey dad, I m hungry. Aeneas: Okay Ascanius, here s a piece of flat bread. I don t have anything else right now. Ascanius: Hey dad, can we stop here so I can get off the boat and pick some of that fruit? Aeneas: Sure. In fact we should all take a break and have some fruit. Fruit s good for you and it keeps you regular. Here guys, use this bread to gather your fruit. Ascanius: Hey dad, that fruit sure was good, but now I m gonna eat my bread. It s like I m eating my plate! Bobby: And thus the prophecy of the harpy comes true. We have finally eaten the plates our food was served on. So this must be Italy. Aeneas: That s my line kid. Shut up. I wonder what this land is called by the people who live here?