THE ALTAR OF ISENHEIM

Transcription

1 THE ALTAR OF ISENHEIM WITH ITS 12 STATIONS ON THE PATH TO REALIZATION The First Opening of the Altar as experienced and described by Agnes Hidveghy

2 2 Agnes Hidveghy Würzen, CH-8873 Amden

3 3 Musee-Unterlinden, Colmar, France

4 4 As the arts are gifts of God Ignorance is their greatest enemy Therefore he who has no understanding Should not pass judgment on these matters. (engraved on the back of the altar)

5 5 FOR ALL THOSE WHO CAN NO LONGER BASE THEIR IDENTITY ON THE SELF-EVIDENT FACTS OF THEIR DAY-TO-DAY LIFE I WISH TO SPEAK TO THE HUMAN BEING, beyond the now fashionable linguistic separation of man and woman.

6 6 CONTENTS The Structure of the Altar Page(s) 7-8 On the Use of these Text 9-10 Introduction Prologue The Shock of Awakening for the First Time 17 The Scene of Crusifiction The Picture 19 Experience 20 Knowledge 21 St. John the Baptist Mary of Magdala Virgin Mary John the Apostle Man in the Image of God The Predella St. Sebastian St. Anthony To Gabriel the Messenger 49 The Key 50 References and Literature 51

7 7 THE STRUCTURE OF THE ALTAR The altar of Isenheim is an altar with wings, which can be opened twice. As a result the altar presents three separate triptychs; there are twelve scenes in all. Ten of these are painted pictures and two are carved three-dimensional representations. The first triptych: The Shock of Awakening for the First Time 1. St. Sebastian 2. The Crucifixion 3. St. Anthony In the three panels of the altar, before it is opened, the human being is shaken out of his everyday mode of perception and led to see what his reality is; a being born into and formed by the so called normal" life. This is the state of our being before a possible transformation, before the "second birth" of man. The images present the structure of the human being before he has awakened; this awakening is in him only as a possibility, like a seed. The second triptych: Transformation 1. The Annunciation 2. The Choir of Angels 3. The Birth of Christ 4. The Resurrection of Christ The essence of a possibility is that it only can lead to realization, to incarnation through transformation. Through the seed's ability to undergo transformation, a plant grows, blossoms and bears fruit. Through an analogous process of transformation the human being can awaken to realize his cosmic. This process is represented in four phases in the second triptych. The painting of the Predella: the Impotence of Forgetfulness The burial; this is the state of the human being who again and again falls back into forgetfulness. This painting is a part both of the first and of the second triptych. The third triptych: The awakened human being in whom "God has become man" 1. The Temptation of St. Anthony 2. St. Anthony's visit to St. Paul 3. The sculptures of the shrine: St. Anthony, with St. Augustine on his left and St. Jerome (also known as Hieronymus) on his right. 4. The sculptures of the predella: Christ and the twelve Apostles

8 8 The awakened human being takes his identity from a new dimension, which was opened through transformation. This is represented in the two three-dimensional carved scenes. The essence of what takes place in processes perceptible to this world is shown in the two paintings. This third triptych is the representation of the HUMAN BEING who lives "in the world but is not of the world": in him, Christ has become human; through him, "The WORD has become flesh". ***** The iconography of the paintings differs in several places from the strict canons of painting of that time. Art historians are at a loss to explain many of these divergences. But in these paintings one can recognize the stations of the inner path as clearly as in a mirror. These stations are masterfully portrayed in all their complexity. There is a rule in Sacred Art, which states that a mistake in the portrayal is a key to deeper meaning. In this sense the anatomical anomalies in the paintings contain indications of another level of understanding. For an artist like Grünewald it must have been quite a sacrifice to subordinate his extraordinary ability to the meaning. From our understanding of the human being in our time this is hardly imaginable. We have no understanding for a voluntary renunciation of this kind.

9 9 ON THE USE OF THESE TEXTS This text is only meaningful in connection with the pictures of the altar. The more you can open yourself to the paintings, the more the text will act as a bridge to help to create a direct connection by which you can see directly. The words are only an indication of the direction in which you could begin your search. My own experience is meant only as a suggestion of how you could connect what you see with your own existential reality. It is an example of how the most every-day things can become practices. The essence of the pictures can best connect with the soul when the pictures repeatedly meet one's eye. A meditation or prayer corner would be ideal. Or a place in the living room which one repeatedly passes through and so can take a glance at them. This may give more than longer periods of intense study of the pictures. The text is a concentrate, which can only be "digested" if each idea has enough time to develop. If we swallow them greedily, in the way we are used to consume books, then we shall have "psychic digestive problems". Time is a gift of God and it can only develop its full worth if we consciously fill it with perseverance and faith. Our life can only change through a process of existential transformation and that takes time. I have repeatedly experienced that a weekly rhythm is a good measure of time. New ideas and questions contained in one section can be brought into contact with our own knowledge and experience, and with inner and outer events. We also need time to learn how to ponder the images and texts in our hearts instead of letting them grow into mental delusions. It is a question of continually asking new questions, which can open new spaces in us. It helps to write down what is happening and developing in us. The process of written formulation creates a different substance in us than thinking and inner understanding. For some of us it is an enormous effort to persuade oneself to write; this is also my own experience. The reason for this might be our inertia - but it seems to me that the only important thing is not to cover up this inertia by justifications. It can be fruitful if a small group meets regularly to exchange their experiences. This is best done without getting lost in discussions and opinions on what has been read or experienced. By exchange I mean to speak of our experiences and insights without commenting, neither on one s own nor on those of the others: otherwise valuable seeds might be smothered. What brings fruit is to formulate and express questions but not to answer them. In any case it is important to search for questions rather than answers and to help each other to find the existential questions. Some people receive a new insight by taking the exact body posture of the figures. Here the help of the other members of the group can be very helpful. What else changes when the posture of the body changes - even very slightly?

10 10 It can happen that an image or a statement is too strange or creates resistance or does not fit in with our ideas. In such cases I have found out that the best thing is not to get stuck on it but to go on. Rejection of an idea often shows that there is something we have not understood, whatever the reason. It happened again and again that the meaning of a statement only became clear to me years later or that I found the root of my resistance only after some time.

11 11 INTRODUCTION "Creation takes place anew at every moment". (Ibn Arabi) I am looking at the pictures right now. I open myself for a fresh understanding, with the creation happening in the present moment. I do not want to write about what I understood yesterday or in the last 15 years. At that time this knowledge was fresh, the experience was then filled with life. If I were to refresh it now, it would be like a warmed up dinner. The essence of it all is within me, as I am now, in any case. Just like the potato, which I ate and digested yesterday, which has become part of the blood and the cells in my body and gives me energy out of its substance. I am writing from what I am now. I want to bear witness, from this state of being, to what is happening now, in this cross-section of Eternity, in that my breath is tuned into the cosmic breath. I wish to perceive what IS, with the mindfulness of which I am now capable. I wish to give expression to that which wants to be expressed right now through me. I ask this to become possible. This is prayer. This is meditation. This is life worthy of a human being. This is the proper life for the human being as a cosmic entity created in the image of God. With my everyday consciousness I take part in life - as you and most of us do. Sometimes slightly more awake, sometimes less. I must use well-known familiar words to be able to express what is happening now. They can sound hollow, meaningless, or they can develop their meaning through alertness and awareness and then my words become the bearers of a message which is meant for your soul only. Then the meaning within you is reached, beyond the words I use; right now, as you read them - the meaning which you and every human being bears within himself as a seed and which comes alive and begins to sprout when it is activated. Then we, you and I, have experienced the grace of meeting in the present moment, in the only possible time in which experience happens, the time out of which the paintings come. I presume that you wish to experience this and not only load your already overly stuffed head with more interesting information! I take it that you want a living experience that is fresh in every moment, alive, and not simply the flare-up of a short experience, which with time wilts and pales in your pocket. Is this true? ***** I am describing what the paintings tell me and awaken in me through direct observation. I want to encourage you to let the paintings work on you freshly each time, as if every time were the first, so that in each living moment their meaning can reveal itself to you in your own personal way.

12 12 We need time until our self-will - that is, the meaning that we give to life through interpretation - is taken from us. (In German there is a play on words here: "Eigensinn" = self-will, "Sinn" = meaning. Translator's note.) Only then the meaning that life holds for us can become visible. The purpose of my description is to serve as a stimulus for this process. The paintings of the Altar of Isenheim bear witness to an extraordinarily great personal understanding of cosmically valid structures, to a man who did not create his works out of his own self-will, but out of the meaning that was able to unfold in him. They bear witness to a high degree of artistic ability that is only given to a man of great talent after dozens of years of hard training. The personality of the artist - Mathis Gothart Nithart - remains in the background. His personal life remains "a private affair between himself and his Lord". Even the name Grünewald was attributed to him later. Up to now research in art-history has pieced together only a few fragments of his personal life. Why do we find personal details so important today? Is it not essential that a human being bears testimony to the cross-sections of the Eternal? Bears witness to those cross-sections through which he has gone in his time, and through which each individual path leads back to the source of our being? So that I, in my time, can recognize myself in them. In the work of art created through Grünewald there is an orientation; someone who has taken that path himself draws a map of the path. According to my present state of understanding, he himself was able to go this way because he was connected with a tradition through a spiritual teacher. He accomplished this work of art through the gifts that he had received from his Creator and through the sacrifice of his life to glory of God and to help those living in his generation and the generations after his death. ***** - Thank You, Lord, that You have given us such a man! - Thank you, whom we call Grünewald, for your work of art that is laid out in His Work as a paving stone on the path to awakening. - Thank you, Father Abeya, that you opened my eyes to this work of art at the right time. In this way a journey began that has only a beginning, but no end. - And I thank all those who have helped me to recognize ever better that my eyes can be God's eyes, through which He can see.

13 13 PROLOGUE Our days are numbered. From the day of our birth. Why, nevertheless, do we live as if this were not so? Why does our consciousness evade that point which will come with unavoidable certainty at the end of a linear sequence of events? Why does our awareness slip away from the fact that the linear passage of time given to every individual has an end? ***** Once upon a time there was a king. He took the affairs of his kingdom very seriously and devoted himself fully to the good of his country. He would have sufficient time for God later, he thought. One day he rode out with his entourage. Suddenly a haggard figure in the clothes of a hermit appeared before him and said: "You have only two more to live." The king and his followers were shocked. By the time they had recovered, the figure had vanished. The king could no longer ask him what kind of two he still had to live. In fear he thought: "the hermit must have meant that I have only two more hours to live. What is the greatest necessity in this short time I still have at my disposal?" He devoted the first hour to making the most important arrangements for the affairs of state. In the meantime an altar was adorned with flowers so that he could spend the second hour preparing for his death. He went through his life inwardly, let go of his past with thankfulness - as well as he could - and turned his attention to the One who had created him. The two hours passed, and he did not die. He breathed a sigh of relief: "in that case I still have two whole days to live!" And he used the time of those two days to prepare his country and his soul for the hour of his death. He did not die after two days either. "I still have two whole weeks", the king rejoiced. He made good use of those two weeks. He was able to complete many necessary matters, and besides that he found time to bring his soul nearer to God. Two weeks later his time had still not come. What a wealth of time he had at his disposal in the next two months! He took the time to do those meaningful things that would make his country and his soul shine in loveliness.

14 14 As he then saw that he had been given two years to live, he used the time of these two years to praise God and to bring harmony and beauty into this world....and two years later he died as a Saint and left behind a prosperous country to be taken over by his wellprepared successor. ***** It does not matter how much time to live we still have. We should all live as if we could die at any moment. And, at the same time, live as if death did not exist. How can quality be measured by quantity? Can one measure three-dimensional space with a one-dimensional line? "Now is the time". How can this become reality for me now? Perhaps it can only happen through a shock, which has enough energy to throw me into the present moment, the one and only focus of Being. ***** The Isenheim Altar was created for the church of the monastery of St. Anthony in Isenheim, where terminally ill people were cared for. These were people who had been torn out of the daily life they had taken for granted and terrified by just such a shock. It was created for the terminally ill who were suddenly confronted with the hour of their death in the near future. For people like you and me who had been given the opportunity no longer to be able to escape back into their daily lives and thus be able to repress and forget: the continual pain and their psychic condition outside "normality" gave them no possibility to avoid the sense of death. In such a condition a human being can be re-opened to another dimension. He can awaken. He can be reminded of the mission given to him as a human being, which he has forgotten; this is nothing less than that through him God may become a human being. At least two generations of men of knowledge created this work of art that gives to the human being going through the process of awakening to his destiny an orientation through the different stages on that path. Whoever is moved by this work of art will know it. From his heart the knowledge will light up: "I am recognized". This knowledge comes from a space deeper than any thinking or feeling. It is an inborn knowledge of the soul that has been reached and awakens. *****

15 15 I want to write about my own journey, but only inasmuch as it has to do with my motivation to write. I am nothing special. I have had no sensational breakthroughs, no particular abilities such as clairvoyance or similar things. I always felt very small, average and normal; boringly normal. I have some understanding for the reason why Theresa of Avila, the great mystic, says "I am a woman - and, on top of it all, not a good one." However, I do not mean to say that I know what she meant. In the light of this statement I see a thread of continuity in my life. It took me a very very long time, measured in years, before it became clear to me that I am nothing special and that I do not need to become special either. From my early years everyone saw in me something special, because that confirmed in the adults around me their own feeling of "specialness". This feeling of being special is a collective prison of the Hungarians, people of my country, in which every person is individually locked up. I grew up in Budapest and I often met "special" people with special abilities, with "great" experiences and I allowed them to impress me. I lived with the illusion that I should compare myself with others, even that I had to do so. These comparisons gave me the feeling of being inadequate, such as I was, of being inferior. It was then given to me to meet people who taught me no longer to measure myself by the scale of others, and thus to free myself from the straightjacket of these illusions. The steps on the way to becoming free consist of giving up our acquired identity. This again is nothing else than a kind of death. If I have learned anything in this life this is: to die. As quietly, and with as little drama, as a plant shrivels up and dies. It took a while until I recognized the mercy in these experiences and until thankfulness could flow through me. Through this guidance I am able to see differently today. I also experience these daily experiences of dying differently; what it means to live in time, in the process of transformation, which is not a linear continuum. And I pray that I may be able to allow myself to be led further on this path of transformation. Every human being must go his own individual way, which is unique in the whole of Creation, so that he can be led to that mode of vision through which God again and again can see His creation in a new unique way. For "God sees through your eyes, He hears through your ears". In the same way as we need acknowledgment in life to be able to function, we also need to be recognized to progress on the inner path. There was a time in my life when the acknowledgment of the world could not reach me. And there was no one around me who would have recognized me for that which was happening within me. The only thing, which gave me an orientation, was the description of the path by St. John of the Cross, the great Spanish mystic. There I recognized my own state and that gave me the faith to struggle on: right foot forward, left foot forward, one step at a time, on the path that was open to me - whether I understood it or not - right, left, right... We all have something in common on this path: we all must go through the eye of the needle. In the language of today: it is only when we have realized our own nothingness -

16 16 not our own smallness! - that we can gradually awaken to reality. As long as we feel small or big, we must again and again build up our self-confidence because our identity is based on comparisons. The identity we built up in this way will break down again and again, unless the craving for continual confirmation is met. The experience of nothingness can only be given to us through mercy; it cannot be acquired.

17 17 The Shock of Awakening for the First Time The First Triptych

18 18 The Scene of the Crusifiction

19 19 The Scene of the Crucifixion 1. The Picture. The body of Christ, which dominates the whole picture, hangs on the cross. He is Suffering: "all the misery of mankind". A bloodless body into which no nourishing life force is flowing. And yet... Mary Magdalene in her state of dissolution reaches Him with her eyes cleansed by tears, and thus can stir up new life. Through this glance turned upwards into suffering, suffering is made conscious, is recognized. Behind her stands John, the favourite disciple, who is giving his whole attention to the benumbed, unconscious Mary. John the Baptist's overly long finger also points to the mystery of the Crucifixion; it points to Christ crucified, as the "fifth" - the quintessence - but John looks past Him. He knows about this quintessence without having recognized it. He also looks past me. His glance expresses personal interest but also detachment. He is the witness and in this function he stands alone on the other side. How can I find these qualities in me? Not from memory, but in the present: now. What does this picture have to do with my existential reality, as I am now, sitting here? I take these questions with me, and "ponder them in my heart".

20 20 A new day. 2. Experience I am still carrying the questions with me. And there is always a veil, which prevents me from answering them. What is this veil made of; I cannot simply pull it aside? At the moment there is the memory, the taste of the dream that was left over as I woke up. The images of the dream are not important, but their message is: I have failed. I have forgotten essentials, I am not prepared, and there is no pity in me. No compassion. First reaction: I faint: I am not guilty. Those tormenting feelings of guilt may catch hold of me and enslave me. I do not want to see it all, I cannot bear it. But I recognize this. I have seen this pattern now over dozens of years. Now I refuse to give this pattern any more space, I refuse to feed it with my substance. It takes so much effort to remain upright "in spite of it". It hurts to be inadequate. It hurts not to be able to use the possibilities given to me to the full. And this feeling slips so easily into self-pity and complaint, if I do not turn my inner eye to that which is above me, if I do not connect myself to a larger reality than my mind can fathom. My reality at the moment is: SUFFERING. This is happening in me right now. And I recognize this experience, as in a mirror, in the scene of the Crucifixion. I am filled with the joy of recognition and with thankfulness. There is a feeling of security in the enduring stillness.

21 21 3. Knowledge. A new morning. I dreamt again. No, it was not so much a dream as a message. It was an answer to the unspoken questions: "What is this greater reality to which I can connect myself?" And: "How can I find the way to this reality?" "Redemption has already taken place. Everything is prepared. But it is your own preconceived ideas that separate you from it." That is the meaning of the message I received. How can I express that in today's language? Physics is now coming closer to the statements of ancient traditions: everything is alive, and everything alive has a past. Every atom, every celestial body, all cosmic forms from the cell to the galactic systems - everything. This past is essentially present in every form as memory, in the information. Our mother-planet Earth is one of these cosmic living beings. It carries its entire past with it as an immaterial substance. Whether we call it the Akasha-chronicle or a morphogenetic field, the collective unconscious, cosmic information system, the shadow-realm of the dead or the heaven and hell of the Christians - we find indications of it everywhere. Every great religion emphasizes the necessity of turning thankfully to the holy and redeemed human beings of the past as the basis of religious life. They represent the high level of vibration of the earth's field of memory; through them we can tune into this level. Through this possibility we can shorten a long path for which a human life would not suffice. A human embryo goes through the whole evolutional development in nine months. That which evolved during millions of years must also be gone through, step by step, by each individual. But through our linkage to the memory pattern of evolution, nine months are sufficient for the process. Could we not walk the path of redemption in one lifespan if we could succeed in tuning into the level of vibration of the "Communion of Saints or into the level of vibration of Christ? Why do we not do this? What is preventing us? How often have I heard and read that it is my own ideas and concepts that separate me from reality! How can I recognize these for what they are, as long as I am convinced that they are knowledge? I let these questions work in me.

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23 23 4. John the Baptist: the Witness. The delicate clouds turn pink but the glow of the lights in the houses is still visible. It is the silent hour before daybreak. This stillness is very much present and is not disturbed by the ticking of the clock. The scent of the cold morning air wakes one's spirits and a sip of green tea connects them to one's body. To hold the warm teacup in one's hands is help in waking up every day. Awakening to Being is like a child's awakening to its existence: that takes place through its becoming aware of its body. I did not feel like getting up. I know from experience that, at that moment, will power only stiffens the body; this demands more will power, which only produces more resistance. The only way out: to be clear about what I have to do: to remember now the knowledge that was given to me in the past. Not to look for the past, but instead to bring that which was given in the past into the present moment and to connect it with what is happening through my being in the present moment. In this situation that means: to relax, to send breath through my body and to remember my intention. For my intellect it is a miracle every time to see that it works. This can only function if John the Baptist, the witness, is present. The witness in me. The ability to be aware. The ability to open the book of the past, in which the knowledge gained from my experiences is kept, at the entry I need now, and the ability to read it. The ability to link the knowledge given to me with the present situation. Without judgment, without commentary, without demands or comparisons: simply to see what is and to do what is possible. So often it was not possible for me to do more than take one conscious breath! But that is always possible. Thus the way is prepared in me for that which is "not of this world", and whose essence is healing: in Christian terminology this inner authority is called the "Saviour". (In German: "Heiland" = he who heals, who is and makes holy, whole. All these words have the same root. In the Gospel according to St. John the qualities of this witness are well described, but they are seldom quoted and almost never understood! It is only through the study of the Gospel of St. John and through continual practice that it is at all possible to recognize the function and the meaning of the inner witness. He leads us at first from so-called life into the wilderness. On the way to the Promised Land we must without a doubt go through the wilderness. For years in my arrogance I thought that it was not necessary for me! If we knew about John the Baptist, the inner authority, then depression would not be a collective phenomenon in Europe. This knowledge is, however, not yet anchored in psychology: psychology knows the way only to the edge of the wilderness. Otherwise we would be happy to become aware of the first signs that show us: "You are mature enough to go through the wilderness, you are going to be led to the Promised Land". But hardly anyone knows about this, because the psychology today, with all kinds of different therapies and movements know nothing from this point onwards. And we expect to arrive in one leap in the Promised Land. In the same way as we expect an injection to cure us.

24 24 At this point on the path we need someone who knows the way through the wilderness, someone who has a map. Otherwise the "one who knows" in me, he who is able to see objectively, remains cut off from me, "in the head", without being able to come to the help of the other parts of me. For years I was isolated in my own objectivity! For years my real suffering was covered up by analysis, interpretation, concepts, great visions, hoping for miracles, and fruitless efforts! John stands unshakable, with both feet in contact with the ground; he stands apart from the emotions (Mary Magdalene), helplessness (Virgin Mary) and will (John), but the sacrificial lamb is at his feet. The sacrificial lamb which has consciously taken the cross upon itself; thus its blood can be collected in the chalice, in order to bestow life. John is independent of the likes and dislikes which keep us, as natural human beings in the process of evolution, in dependency; enslaved in "Egypt" - in the world of duality. Through this Lamb, knowledge can be internalized; and the witness, in his role as watchful observer within the process in progress, can lead us out of "Egypt". He knows the wilderness and says of himself: "I am 'the voice of one crying in the wilderness'." John's overly long index finger, which points to the mystery, tells me something more: there is also faith in the future, in Him who "comes after me, the thong of whose sandals I am not worthy to untie". The index finger leads the energy of faith from our hearts into the outer world - therefore it becomes a connecting link when we point to something. Only John the witness is capable of becoming the link between the two heirs in the human being: the natural, mortal side and the divine in us: "He must increase, but I must decrease", as the inscription behind John prophesies. But first John, he who prepares the way of the Lord, must be born in us. He must be given substance, so that he can fulfill his function. Out there, in the Bible story, in the painting, or in our heads, he is of no use. An effort is always necessary to disengage myself from the entanglements of life. I must not look at myself from the outside; it has nothing to do with thinking, but with finding the point within the process taking place in me, from which I can become aware of what is going on. To school and refine my ability to be aware is the basis for everything else on the path. If I am not capable of seeing what is, how can I become a witness? How can I then realize what it is that is preventing me from reaching the level of vibration of Christ? I practice becoming aware. I begin with becoming aware of my body. I feel the keys of the typewriter under my fingers. I feel the warmth on my skin. I become aware of my breathing, I am aware of the tension in my shoulder and the feeling of hunger in my stomach. I become aware through my senses: I look out the window and see the delicate movements of the branches. I see my expectation that I should be able to communicate something, I see the words building meaningful sentences. And I bear witness to the fact that right now I am witnessing.

25 25 5. Mary Magdalene. Yesterday evening I was seized by the feeling of uncertainty, of fear: I do not know how things are going to continue. What can give me support, if I have no concept? For my feelings there is no tomorrow, through my feelings I am linked - but also bound - to the

26 26 present moment: cut off from past and future. From moment to moment I am determined by what is flowing in and around me. I become a point in the linearity of time, and I am cut off from eternity. Through my identification with the emotional part of me I am in the flow of "water", washed away in the flood of time, a victim of the quality of the moment. Who has not experienced this? We are swamped by every small ripple - we call them moods - on the surface. Ourselves we are mostly not even aware of them! Then there are the larger waves that close over our heads: the emotional reactions. They give us the feeling that we are alive. They give us our feeling of identity: "this is me"; "now I am alive". When the next wave comes, I immediately identify with it: I have become this new wave. There are even bigger currents that mostly flow in the depths and that have a strong power of suction that can long remain hidden from us. At some points they create dangerous vortices, which can suck one down into the depths. But what am I, when there are no waves? Those waves that give me my identity? Is that then simply depression? Or is depression perhaps also one of these powerful waves? Mary Magdalene kneels, in a state of utter dissolution - her hair, her dress, the colours, and the flow of her tears - under the river. The hands she is wringing reach above her head, but not over the river painted behind her. In her, nothing is tied in knots, and so a free flow of energy can develop that sweeps powerfully through her from her fingertips to the furthest fold of her dress. She does not resist the flow of the moment; she does not evade what is happening. But her glance leads her not only above and beyond the river, but also links her alone of all the four figures to the mystery of Christ crucified. She is involved personally, most intimately, in what is taking place. She is taking part in that life which is happening above the water. She has become a part of this flow of life. At the same time she is a part of Mary, the mother of Jesus, "fallen or "torn out of her; a part which has come alive through this taking-part-in-life. And precisely this having "fallen out" elevates her: she comes from Magdala, and in this name there is the notion of a tower, or an elevated place. The soul is divided by this event. One part is left behind in the innocence of pure white, and is deprived of life, abandoned in a helpless swoon. Through emotionality I have come alive, but I am "possessed by seven demons" - those which Jesus drove out of Mary Magdalene. Could that mean that I have surrendered myself to all seven levels of creation, and again and again have identified myself with the one that appeared at each moment and so have lost my real identity? My innate identity which consists of Being, of I AM? Can I find this I AM which is independent of whether there are waves or not?

27 27 Can I ever find my true identity in one single part of me? Is there a longing in me strong enough to go in search of my wholeness? Is there a possibility of melting all the parts into a unity? How can I raise my eyes, as long as I am fighting to survive, fighting for breath, as long as I need all my energy not to drown in the waves of life, in the waves of time? The vessel with the healing ointment stands in front of the knees of Mary from Magdala. It is still closed. There is the imprint of a date on it. Is this date the expression for the time that the healing force remains locked in, and for the right time at which this force will be set free? That part of the soul, which fell out of Eternity into Time, has come alive through its identification with the emotions. And the emotions are intimately connected with the body processes. It took years of training my power of discrimination until I was able to separate a bodily sensation from a feeling! And now, as I sit here, I continually have to separate my body from the psychic tension in me because it unnecessarily becomes tense also. Thus our soul does not live "in the world" but identifies itself exclusively with that part of us which comes "from this world". Our identity is thus fixed to that which is mortal, which comes into existence and passes away. This part of Mary - Mary Magdalene - must go through the thorny woods, which "for seven years bore no leaves" (part of a German advent carol), which is also called the wilderness. And in the dryness of this wilderness everything which was attached to things coming from this world will dry out. In this way our identity will become independent of the processes that take place in the damp world of our emotions. We are kept in this dependency until the witness has become so strong in us that he can bear witness to what is happening - without having to intervene in this vitality with explanations, justifications, or judgments. And without cutting us off from this vitality. Then Mary Magdalene is able to see, to know, and John the Baptist becomes compassionate. Then we "think with our hearts and feel with our heads". Mary Magdalene can then serve the redeemer of our being with her "resources", i.e. with her substance. How do my feelings react to all this? And what could be the answer to this reaction?

28 28 6. Virgin Mary, the Pure Soul. Dawn fills the clear cloudless sky with soft shades of pink. And the sky promises to become blue today. I step out onto the terrace, and the view takes my breath away: the shining crescent moon, delicate and pure in its clarity, like an engraving, and the incredible glow of Venus, the morning star, leading the moon toward the East, toward the sun. The realization that my breath is in tune with the breath of the cosmos opens a new dimension in me, a new dimension of faith, of wonder, of joy and of thankfulness. A song in praise of Unity wells up within me: outside and inside are no longer divided in this costly moment. And I perceive Mary as the morning star. I try to express in words what has inspired me: "Do not look at my finger which points to the moon", but instead listen in your own heart for that which reverberates in you in order to find the moon there. For Mary stands above this crescent moon. The moon appears thanks to the sun s light. It is always there, a globe in the sky, rotating around the earth, but when it is not illuminated, we do not see it. This appearance increases: something which was always there develops in the visible world. At the precise moment in which the appearance is full, round, and has completely emerged from the unmanifested to the manifested world, it begins to retreat again. The new moon appears close to the setting sun, and moves away from it to develop in our awareness. Then it slowly gives its borrowed light back to the sun as it moves closer to the rising sun. The moon wanes and the sun waxes in that it absorbs the appearance in its light. Mary Magdalene is that part of our soul which appears in Time, the full moon which has moved away from the sun. When she returns to the sun, she reunites with the other aspect of Mary whom she had left behind. This reunion creates the empty vessel of the dark moon, which can receive new life from the sun. And this is the prerequisite for the Annunciation - as in the opening of the second triptych of the altar. To be able to face this state of emptiness, means first to give up the identification with that which we appear to be, just as the moon gives its borrowed light back to the sun when it wanes. To withdraw to the space in us where, in the midst of the emotional waves, there is "nothing". Nothing sensational, in the literal sense of the word: no highs, no lows, but, instead, silence, and rest, and readiness. In Hebrew, the name Mary has to do with "bitter": in the East, a bitter taste stands for joy. New Life can only come from the womb of the moment, and I can only become aware of and conceive this moment if I have become an empty vessel - a dark moon, if I am alert for the present moment and aware of the possibility that is contained in this moment. I knew that I wanted to write about Mary today. I tried to gather together everything I know about her. But all that is stale, and has no lustre. It all belongs to earlier moon cycles. I allow the emptiness to be, and ask for whatever is necessary, trusting that it will be given to me.

29 29 For years now I have experienced for shorter or longer periods the bitterness of helpless deathly paralysis. The bitterness of having to bear Being without the power to radiate, without impulses for life. Yes, Mary, I understand you: the tears dry on your cheeks until there are no more. Until you can say in unconditional faith: "Thy will be done"

30 30 7. John the Apostle. Every human being has been driven out of Paradise. And behind all our wishes and efforts there is only one thing we all want: to go back. We do not want to crawl back into the symbiotic state of the mother's womb, as today's psychology would, as a rule, interpret our longing. This interpretation of our deepest yearning denies God and robs the human being of his cosmic dignity. We have all been wounded to the depths of our being, roughly, obviously or subtly. This wound is what makes man set off in search of his destiny. It is only because of intolerable tension, restlessness, longing and pain that we start looking for healing. This pain from the wound made it possible that we set off on the path of Becoming. So that God can become man. In you, in me, in each and every one of us. Within the time that is given to each of us. This Becoming takes place in the present moment, not in five minutes or in our next incarnation. And this Becoming should not "have happened yesterday already". To want Becoming, and in this way to make it possible, is possible only in the present moment. In that I want that which is happening right now. What is happening out there and within me, whether I understand it or not, with all the contradictions. That is the free will, which is given to the human being. In this connection, it makes sense to say: "THY will be done". It is said that man has a free will. But as he is, he is only driven by different wants. We are driven by all those things, which goad us forward, on our path in life. We are determined by the past in this drive and not by the present moment. We are not free for what is taking place now. And how can a fettered human being have a will that is free? We mostly do not even have the freedom to be aware of our bondage! We always want something and mostly something else. We - fed by many different wishes - want so much that it is not possible to carry it all out at the same time. Where in us does this will come from? Which part of us wants to follow a given impulse? Is it already will if I say "I want " to a reaction in me? Many of us to whom a certain freedom of action has been given have experienced that we are not capable of shaping our lives in this freedom. Our volitional substance is restrained. As long as my soul does not awaken out of its unconsciousness, as long as it cannot exist on its own strength in the present moment, as long as I sink into my own pain, as long as I do not open my eyes, my whole volitional potential is needed to support, hold up and defend my wounded soul. Out of this motivation we can destroy our world or sacrifice ourselves for others, build up world

31 31 organizations, express ourselves creatively - and struggle toward self-realization. We can "change" the world around us or be swallowed by it, depending on our propensities. All this happens only so that no one and nothing can reach our wounds - least of all the light of our own consciousness. And so we reach deep into the world with our right hand, as John the Baptist does. And we become deformed as John is in this painting with his overly long arms. The favourite Apostle, of whom it is said that he was always close to Jesus, now turns away from him. For the John in me it is a dilemma: Christ crucified or my soul?! I see in this dilemma the reason for his pain. "Love thy neighbour as thyself" - "Yes but I have to set my limits." I recognize the feeling, which is linked with this dichotomy. For a long time I tried to explain away the dichotomy in me, with the result that my vision became veiled. "Only the right hand can receive from heaven, wrote St. John of the Cross, the psychologist of spirituality. To stretch one's right arm above one's head takes courage. Mary Magdalene has this courage. But she does not yet know about being an empty vessel and about conceiving. All the necessary qualities are already present in me! But they are not linked together in a meaningful way. Can I recognize this? To take my soul, the Mary in me, by the hand in trust, instead of holding on to it fearfully and at all costs, defending and justifying it by my self-will, is the first act of free will that I can accomplish. In the old days that was called faith. Only then can I experience that I am given support by that which I so desperately wanted to hold, to defend and to protect with my grasping hands. I am supported by it because it is what I am. Can I recognize this desperately fighting self-will in me? This stiff resistance invading every cell in my body and afraid of saying: "THY WILL BE DONE!".

32 32 8. The human being is created in the image of God. If the above is true, then as a model of the human being, I should also be able to recognize the correlations in cosmic events. And vice-versa: every model of the cosmos is a mirror of the human being. It is only when I recognize the cosmic - hierarchic - order into which my individual life is imbedded that I can come closer to the meaning of my life. Any meaning that I myself give to my life comes from my self-will and will be taken from me again. How often have I fallen into the dark hole of meaninglessness when I have not recognized this fact! I searched for a straw, which I could hold on to with my self-will. Thus I missed the opportunity to become empty, and trust to allow myself to be led through the "dryness of the soul", to the true meaning. This part of the path is called the "Dark Night of the Soul" (St. John of the Cross), or the Wilderness (Old Testament), or the "Cloud of Unknowing" (14th century anonymous mystic). If through ignorance we call it simply depression we are bound to land in a trap. That is as if I insisted on living only the full moon phase and were not willing to follow the periodicity of life. The moon remains as it is, whether I can see its sunny side or not. And it is held in its path by the law of gravity, love in the material world. And so I raise my eyes to this divine dimension of which I am a part and which supports me, but which I cannot fathom, in the hope that one day I may be capable of seeing it "face to face". In the hope that I as a human being can some day bear witness to the unity of all Being, as all the mystics do. What is the meaning of human life? This question is the first in the catechism, which I was confronted with in the first lesson in religion in first grade in school. Is there any sense in asking a first-grader this question? Now, and only now, as an adult, after all these years of being on the way, I am convinced that, yes, there is a sense in asking the question. This question was a seed, which waited for the proper time to sprout. For how could the meaning of my life lie outside the meaning of human life for all of us? The answer that was given opens it s meaning only gradually in the light of growing understanding: TO KNOW GOD, TO LOVE HIM AND TO SERVE HIM ALONE. First to strive toward knowing God and not to try to love something that flits through my thoughts as an image; and least of all to serve this image! Not respecting this has caused a vast amount of suffering in this world.

33 33 The psychological understanding of mankind suffers from not respecting this sequence: God is interpreted as being an aspect of our psyche. The frequently quoted commandment "Love thy neighbour as thyself" stands only in second place after the first: "Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart and with all thy soul and with all thy mind". After all, we have been created in HIS image. Can we love what we do not know? We have all heard someone describing to us a person whom we do not know. And when we meet this person for the first time, we are amazed: "I imagined you to be completely different". How much more valid must this be for God! Is it not forbidden for us to make an image of HIM? And is it not said: "the name that you can express is not HIS name"? In a Greek-orthodox text, the virgin soul is defined as "the holiness of the divine image in man". That is the precondition for the incarnation of God in me - in you. What kind of an image of God do I carry in me? For years I claimed that I carried no image of HIM in me! How subtle not to say how unconscious - this image was! How long it lasted until I had just an inkling that the image of my father could be the key to the image that I have of God! Am I ready to sacrifice this image? To sacrifice it without knowing what I get in return and when? Do I want to live in a world of prefabricated images, or do I want to take part in REALITY?

34 34 THE PREDELLA The Impotence of Forgetting In a week we will have the longest night of the year. It is dark - so dark as if the day would never come. Light glows only from the barn of the neighbouring farmer - and falls directly into my bedroom. The animals must be looked after, whether it is light or dark. Death is within me and around me. Again and again my soul falls into a hole. I even have to make a conscious effort with my breathing; my natural breathing hardly functions. This is the "vale of tears"; I am sucked into the depths of the earth. I have known this since my childhood. The memory that there is a meaning, the memory that I ought to orientate myself vertically remains in my head, and my head cannot help. Making efforts does not help. Everything looks senseless, soul-less. Everything that I look at, or pick up, everything I hear and smell is without perfume, without a soul: it is only an empty dead shell. Everything is flat and gray, without taste. I make what seems at first to be a meaningless effort: I pick up the pictures of the Altar and look at the predella. Yes, that is what it looks like in me. The love of the apostle John the one closest to Jesus but too weak to lift him down - is not strong enough in me to help me to recognize the divine presence in the exterior form of the creation. There is still too much self-will in me, which prevents MEANING to be given to me. I make efforts, but my they are useless. I try to liven up my stiff body plagued by lumbago with the use of breathing exercises. My dried out mouth has been calling for water for hours. But there is not enough motivation in me to stretch my hand out to the glass of water beside my bed. "It is not so important".

35 35 Moaning wells up from deep within me. It is a misery that seems to come from the depths of the earth, and I am at its mercy, like Virgin Mary. And Mary Magdalene's wringing hands do not reach over her head... There is the switch! Something in me straightens up. And then I can turn to a new inner direction: over and above my head. Even if I cannot fill the whole world with light, I can at least get my body into an upright position. I send an SOS into the UNKNOWN, like a ship on the high seas that has gotten into trouble and does not know if its signals are being received and by whom. At that moment the witness in me has awakened out of a deep sleep... I set my feet on the ground: I set them down as consciously as I can; the feet through which I stand in contact with the earth; and it is through this grounding that incarnation is made possible. "In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen." In this way I can begin the day. This is the way the nuns taught me during my first school years. They gave me the form. For a long time I left this form to look for knowledge. And sometime - after many detours - the meaning came to me out of my inner knowledge. What is the meaning of this gesture, the sign of the cross, the words that go with it; this gesture that has been practiced for the last 2000 years and has given us strength when we perform it? Not only think about it but also perform it. What is meant by the Father, when I touch my forehead? What is meant by the Son, when my hand goes to my solar plexus? What is meant by the Holy Ghost, when I set a mark on the left and the right of my heart? And what does it mean to act in someone's "name"? It is going to get lighter today after all. The morning star has been shining the whole time - why did I not look out the window right away? Where was the witness all this time?!

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37 37 1. The Model. ST. SEBASTIAN The Being that I am. "A Saint dies a hundred times every day." St. Sebastian is placed here as a model. As a model of what I am in my being; without the thick clothing of opinions and concepts that the people around me clothed me until I got lost in these clothes; St. Sebastian is without the protective functions of the role that I have in this world and with which I cover my naked being and my wounds. Since I have recognized the fact that this unbearable pain, which makes it impossible for me to remain in the paradise of BEING, is part of being human, my self-pity is melting. We are all driven out of Paradise through the wounds inflicted upon us in childhood, and the angel with the flaming sword prevents us from returning. I am experiencing nothing different from any other human being incarnated on this Earth, whether they are conscious of it or not. "Only he who suffers that he suffers can be freed of that suffering." Could the meaning of this Indian saying lie here? St. Sebastian is placed here as a model so that I can recognize who I am in my wounded essence: "Ecce homo". Yes, but who am I? How can I find Being in me, how can I become conscious of my Being? Not only to have consciousness - all of Creation possesses consciousness on its own level. I do not want to have more consciousness. What I am looking for is my true identity as one who is. How can I approach this state of Being? What have I already experienced of it?

38 38 2. I am Being. I recognize myself in Sebastian. I am in a confined room, with light coming from an undefined direction. I am not free, bound in my own inner world, to the column, which has been built by human hands with acquired skill. The arrows that pierce through me, and that rob me of my breath, tie me to the collective standard patterns, habits, feelings and thoughts. This is human experience. This is to be human, as an existential experience. I experience it in my own particular way - like everyone else does. What I am stands on a natural, organically grown ground: like the tendrils that are built into the intermediate zone of the pedestal. Could that not stand for the whole of evolution, the cosmic precondition for the incarnation (=becoming flesh) of Being in a human body? In Being, everything is "good", "innocent": it is as it is. There is no question of guilt. There is no logic and no "buts". It is as it is. No wrong constructions or forced interpretations or explanations. No foreign standard by which guilt or fault can be attributed. Only the fullygrown naked authenticity of Being. Am I willing to bear this nakedness of Being? Sebastian's calves are wounded. It is not possible for him to jump: neither to jump away, nor to jump up, off the earth. How painful the moments in our life when from deep within us comes a warning: "Do not let it happen!", and we cannot do otherwise. We cannot escape our fate. "If only I had..." At this moment it is necessary to be able to say: "let it be as it is", in humility and thankfulness. I can only say that when I remember the free open space behind and beyond my head; when I can be aware of it without seeing it. This is only possible when I am that Being that I am, here and now. Everything comes from this greater space and returns to it: the arrows, the bow, the wounds and the healing. Even if I do not know how it happens, in this place of Being there is the faith that it happens. For my Being comes from there and openness is its nature. My effort consists in constantly looking for this space in me, where this knowledge is and where I am this knowledge. This knowledge of my existential Being must not remain unsubstantial, this knowledge must become incorporated, must become my own flesh and blood. "The Word became flesh". The anti-clockwise spiral of St. Sebastian bears witness to this process of incarnation (=becoming flesh). The Five, the quintessence, the crowning reward, is brought by two angels as a five-pedaled flower on a circlet, as a gift from Heaven. The human being receives a new dimension, Eternity, for all his experiences within time, for the pain of exile, of limitation, of imperfection and of forgetfulness.

39 39 Friedrich Weinreb often stressed: "The greatness of man is that he does things without waiting for a reward". The greatness of the human being lies in that he trusts in this greater space and not in the security within a closed, protected, controllable room, which is something man-made. This open space is the vision, the promise of a reality, which is given to the human being from the beginning of Creation as his divine heritage. When he has traveled the path of becoming in this world in his own allotted time and his earthly heritage has melted into his being, then he in his wholeness can return to this greater reality in himself. We call this ETERNITY. Eternity is the heritage of our being and not of our personality. The human being is whole when his two heritages have become one: when what has grown in him through the process of life has melted into what exists eternally. Does this, the greatest of all wishes lie behind all our longing?

40 40 3. Bound. St. Sebastian's both hands are bent, his left hand is held fast by his right hand. Such as we are, the inner part of our Being - the creative left hand - is clasped and held fast by that part of our being which has become involved with the world - the right, "acting" hand. This part of our being which is oriented outward is controlled by the personality, the master over our whole being. The personality is our earthly heritage, and is personified by St. Anthony. Such as we are, our Being cannot become active: the personality controls every impulse that arises from our Being and bends it to the practical aims of its own concepts. Our Being needs the link with the personality - the connection with it but not its unconscious determining control. The personality is the acquired ability to act, here in this world, in its incarnation in a body. Our Being and our personality - Sebastian and Anthony - are still separate in this phase of development. There is no platform on which they can meet. The scene of the Crucifixion in us - which separates the two - is the raw material out of which this platform can develop. Every new day is a challenge and the gift of a possibility of working on this platform, of building it out of my substance. Am I ready for this work?

41 41