Chew the Fat with Matt

Transcription

1 Lillenas Drama Presents Chew the Fat with Matt from Bases Loaded... Nobody s Home By Stephen Hicks & Jerry Cohagan A living, responsive faith contains more than just pat answers or clichés After hearing countless radio talk shows we thought it was time we did one ourselves. Needless to say, Matt the host and his listeners are a unique bunch of folks. Although we don t often get a chance to perform it, we really enjoy this sketch because of the broad characterizations, lively pace, and clear message. Sometimes it is possible for us to become so busy with the small talk of life, the chitchat, that we forget there are people all around us searching for a reason to get up in the morning. The spiritual call letters of our concern should come through loud and clear. With so much at stake, it s not enough to just chew the fat! Playing Time: 8 minutes Cast: MATT: A friendly if somewhat shallow radio host. Not exactly a Rhodes scholar when it comes to spiritual issues. A frustrated Larry King. MAYNARD: A little slow on the uptake but a genuine good-hearted guy BOB: Misguided and bound to be disappointed EMMA: Older, slightly confused. What can you say about a woman with a poodle named Fifi? RAY-BOB: A former professional wrestler, now a pastor, has been in one too many sleeper holds, if you know what I mean... FRED: Concerned, Twinkie-loving husband ART: A sincere, honest spiritual searcher

2 Props: Disc jockey gear: headphones, mike, papers, etc. Black-framed, nerdlike glasses (held together by tape) Well-worn, slightly greasy cap Hair rollers, hair net Old-style glasses Loud tie Tacky plaid sport coat Bathrobe Twinkies, or other snack food Chew the Fat with Matt (MATT CONROY is seated at a table with a clipboard and various papers lying around. He has a microphone in front of him. All the call-in voices can be played by the same actor who stands directly behind MATT with back to audience. This actor then spins around for each different character, or each call-in voice can be played by a different actor. In which case they would all be lined up behind MATT with their backs to the audience. Each caller holds a phone receiver when talking to MATT.) MATT: Good evenin or should I say good mornin! This is... (pushes button on table) VOICE (actor spins around and sings): K-B-L-S! (Actor holds last note until MATT shuts off button.) MATT (switches off button, actor spins back around): Gospel radio! That s K-Bless radio here at 1590 on your AM dial. Just turn that little knob as fer to the right as she ll go and here we are. You re listenin to Chew the Fat with Matt. I m your host, Matt Conroy. We re on the air five nights a week, midnight to 5 A.M. takin questions and comments about any topic of interest you would like to chat about. (Picks up paper) Got a program note, here. We re happy to announce that, thanks to Maynard s shortwave over at the 7-11, folks in Morton, Wyo., can listen to us on K-C-H-P radio. So, all you K-Chip listeners, welcome to Chew the Fat with Matt! Course, we are heard throughout the tri-county area and on a good night with a little turbulence and a boost from the battery on my wife s Pontiac we can be heard as fer away as South Dakota! So, here it is... (looking at watch) 4:53 in the mornin and we re still lookin fer our first caller. You know the number, , or just dial 4 and the word heaven. I ve got a question all dj s ask about this time of the mornin... (shouts into microphone) Is there anybody out there? (Chuckles) Well! Bless my boots, we got a caller! (MATT pushes imaginary button and first caller spins around holding a phone receiver to his ear. He has on a pair of black-framed glasses that are held together by tape.) Hello! Chew the fat with Matt!

3 MAYNARD (he is slow on the uptake): Hello? MATT: Yes, go ahead please. MAYNARD: Hello? Hello, Matt? MATT: Yes, this is Matt. You re on the air. MAYNARD: Hello, Matt? Am I on? MATT: You re live and on the air! MAYNARD: Am I on? MATT (yelling): Yes, you re on! What s your name and question? MAYNARD (smiling broadly): Why, this is Maynard over at the I m workin the night shift over here. I m callin cause I m just kinda lonesome and no one ever seems to really pay any attention to me or listen to me when I m talkin... MATT (cutting him off): We got another caller, hold please. (Pushes button. MAYNARD spins back around while next actor spins around) Hello! Go ahead and chew the fat! BOB (wears a greasy cap, holds receiver to ear): Yeah, my wife met me at the door yesterday wearing high heels and a bikini, like you said, and... MATT (cutting in): I m afraid you got the wrong show. BOB: This isn t Dr. Ruth? MATT: No... BOB (mutters): Oh, I m so embarrassed. (Covers mouthpiece and shouts offstage) Thelma, put on a robe, it s the wrong show! (Spins back around) MATT: That s all right. It s easy to get us radio personalities confused. We got another bull by the horns! (Pushes button) Hello. Chew the fat. EMMA (spins around, hair is up in rollers, older lady with glasses on end of nose): Hello, Honey! This is Emma over on 4th Street. MATT (warms up to her): Hello, Emma! Has Fifi come home yet? EMMA: No, and I m worried sick about her. MATT: Sorry to hear that, but I m glad you called. A penny fer your thoughts? EMMA: Oh, I m afraid I d be overcharging you! (Both laugh) I was wonderin, though, if I could offer you my opinion on when the Second Coming will take place. MATT: What? EMMA: I have narrowed it down to either May of 1986 or August of 2010.

4 MATT: Well, Emma, we ve already passed May of 86. EMMA: I guess that narrows it down a bit more, don t it! (Cackles) MATT (joining in): I guess it does! Would you care to hazard a guess as to where He ll return? EMMA: Well, that s kinda sticky, child. Cause no one knows for certain the time or place. And for us to tamper with such things is dangerous. MATT: That s a good point, Emma, Thanks... EMMA (interrupting): But I have managed to narrow it down to either Magic Kingdom at Disneyworld or the Geraldo Rivera show. MATT (trying to shut her up): That s all very interestin... EMMA: Do you want to know who the world dictator is goin to be? Wayne Newton. We all know he raises them Arabian horses, and do you know where those horses come from? MATT: Arabia? EMMA (dismissing): Well, I don t know fer sure, but it s somewhere over there by Armageddon. Right where the red bear from the north will... MATT (cutting her off): That s all very enlightenin, Emma. EMMA: I think it s important we know our Scriptures. Bless you, now. (Hangs up and spins around) MATT: And you, too, Emma. My, oh my, we got ourselves a regular epidemic of callers! (Pushing button) Hello! Go ahead and chew the fat. RAY-BOB (spins around wearing a loud tie and plaid sport coat, he is loud and bombastic): Hellooo, brother Matt! This is the right reverend, most high, Ray- Bob Hawkins, pastor of the Full Faith Heavyweight Tag Team Church of God! MATT (pleased): Pastor Ray-Bob! The retired wrassler! RAY-BOB: Yessir, but now I m headlocked in a grudge match with the devil! MATT: Tell me, Ray-Bob, does it ever come in handy bein a retired wrassler? RAY-BOB: Once I took on my entire church board in a mud-wrasslin match over my pastoral vote. We wrassled to a standstill. MATT: Why, what happened? RAY-BOB: Some of my flock snuck in and poured quick-dry cement in with the mud. We wrassled to a standstill. (Laughs) They re a lively bunch over here! MATT (chortling with him): What s your question, Ray-Bob? RAY-BOB: I was wonderin if you could give me a piece of your mind?

5 MATT: I think I can spare it... RAY-BOB: Could you shed some light on capital punishment? MATT: Well, I don t know if the capitol is the best place, but they ought to be punished somewhere! (Both laugh heartily) A little humor to lighten up the heaviosity of the question. (Serious) That s a tough one and we, as Christians, need to have answers to just those type of hard-hittin questions. We all got to know what we believe and how we stand on these issues. RAY-BOB (chiming in): We gotta face em head-on! MATT: We surely can t avoid em! RAY-BOB: We got to have answers for our people! MATT: We have gotta show em the light and way! RAY-BOB (feeling satisfied): Well, thank you, brother Matt. I ll pass your words of wisdom on to my flock come Sunday. MATT: Glad to be of service, Ray. (RAY hangs up and spins around.) There don t seem to be any more callers at the moment. Now might be a good time to take another look at the missin pets report. (Reads from a paper) Of course, we all know by now that Emma Reddicker s poodle is missin. Answers to the name of Fifi. That s over there on 4th Street. Was last seen wearin a pink sweater. So, keep your eyes peeled. Here s one from right down the block. The Nichols family reports that apparently their little boy, Jimmy, let their St. Bernard, Brutus uh, oh! out of the backyard again. Our listeners probably remember what Brutus did to that Chihuahua last time he got out. It says here he was last seen headin toward 4th Street by Emma s... (Yells into microphone) Run, Fifi, run! Prance your way back to Emma s this minute! Well, we got another caller. Hello, chew the fat! FRED (spins around wearing a bathrobe and eating a Twinkie): Hello, this is Fred, Matt. I got a question fer you. My wife has been takin them aerobic classes over in the church gymnasium. I was wonderin what the biblical stance is on exercisin in the church gymnasium? MATT (looking around on his table): Well, Fred... I don t happen to have a Bible handy. But I would be willing to offer you my opinion. (Serious) I believe that as long as they can exercise, in good conscience, to the greatest hits of Bill Gaither, then I say, Let em go! FRED (stuffing his face with Twinkie): I agree wholeheartedly. Well, I ll see you at bingo Saturday night. (Spins around) MATT: See you then. We got another fish on the line! (Pushes button) Go ahead! ART (turns around, only normal one of the bunch): Hello, my name is Art and I ve been listenin to your show for some time now. To be honest, I ve really been strugglin with some things in my life. I don t know much about a relationship with God. How would I go about

6 MATT: I m glad you asked me about that, Art. It s purty simple. (Spouts this like clockwork) You just need to give up, get down, and let go. You got to hang on, let loose, and come and dine at that potluck in the sky! ART: There s food involved? MATT (rattling on): You have got to come to the fount, open the floodgates of your heart s door, cast your bread upon the water, and head down that highway to holiness! (Takes a breath) That s just how easy it is... ART: Oh... (slowly hangs up and turns around) MATT (smiling): I can tell by our conversation that you are well down that road to spiritual riches. Don t you hesitate to give ol Matt a call, all right? Hello? Hello? Oops, must ve lost another one. Well, I see it s almost 5 A.M. Let me remind you that we are sponsored, in part, by Louise Batachio, our own gospel gourmet. Be sure to listen in on her show as she shares her secrets on how to reach out and touch through the fine art of cookin. (MAYNARD turns back around, still waiting patiently.) Let me also remind you Oh, my! I almost forgot about our first caller! (Pushes button) Marvin, are you still there? MAYNARD: I m here, but it s Maynard. MATT (in a hurry): Great, Marvin, what s your question? MAYNARD: Well, I was just lonely and MATT: I m gettin some awful feedback, Marvin. Can you turn down your radio? MAYNARD: It is turned down. MATT (impatient): Well, turn it down some more, then! MAYNARD: It is, but I do have a burrito in the microwave. MATT: Well, call me back when it s not in use! (Punching button) MAYNARD: Hello...? (Slowly hangs up and turns around while MATT signs off) MATT: Well, praise Jesus, it is almost 5 A.M. I need to remind you to stay tuned for Randy Winslow from 5 to 10 A.M. with Talk Around the Clock, followed by 15 minutes of the finest in gospel music. This is Matt Conroy, chewin the fat, sayin, If I don t see ya on the air, I ll see ya in the air. Remember to say what you believe, and believe what you say! This is... (pushes button) VOICE (spins around and sings): K-B-L-S! (Spins back around) MATT (pushes off button): Gospel radio! (Blackout)

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