A PLAGUE OF MIRACLES. David Schreiber. Copyright 2011 by David Schreiber.

A PLAGUE OF MIRACLES by David Schreiber

Cast: Fr. Thomas Brennigan... Male, 45. A Catholic priest. Pastor of St. Martin's parish. Angela Doyle... Female, mid-30s. The sister of Fr. Brennigan. Dora Smith... Female, 65. An eccentric parishioner. Peter Rossi... Male, early-to-mid 20s. A seminarian, currently an intern at St. Martin's parish. Kathy Oakes... Female, early-to-mid 20s. A reporter. Offstage Voices:... A television announcer. The Archbishop of San Francisco (male, 50-70). Time: The present. Acts: Act I: The Saturday before the first Sunday of Advent. Act II: The morning of Christmas Eve. Place: Father Brennigan's office at St. Martin's Catholic Church, San Francisco.

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(Lights up on a priest's office in a parish in San Francisco. There are bookshelves, a desk, a table with a small television, and various chairs. It is the day before the first Sunday of Advent. Father Thomas Brennigan is seated at the desk. There is a large thump offstage.) Peter? Ow! Peter! You found it! It's a miracle, Father! A miracle. (Gets up, in pain) (Hobbles to door) (Peter opens the door and walks in carrying a painted ceramic sheep with a red ribbon tied around its neck) Another miracle! Right in front of my eyes! Peter, I've told you. Yes, Father, but What was it this time? I dropped it! On my foot! You what?! The sheep. It just slipped out of my hands and landed right on my foot.

2 Are you all right? I'm fine! Totally unharmed. How about the sheep. Is it broken? No! Not at all! Good! Mrs. Rizzo made that sheep herself twenty years ago. I shudder to think what her children would say if it was damaged. But Father, it should have broken my foot! Nonsense. It's not that heavy. I really think it's a miracle. We should call the Archbishop. Just in case. Imagine the miracle of the Incorruptible Sheep! Peter! Peter, since you got here, how many miracles have you experienced? Including the thing with the holy water? Sure. Four. Well, now this makes five. In under four months? It's amazing. This is truly a holy parish. I feel so blessed to be here! This isn't a miracle.

3 It seems miraculous to me! When a miracle happens, I'll tell you. But we are not going to call his Excellency just because you're wearing a sturdy pair of shoes. But yes, Father. And don't go around talking about "Incorruptable Sheep". The Church has gone though enough these last years. You don't need to make it worse by introducing that into the lexicon. Yes, Father. Tom?! (From offstage) (To Angela) In here! (To Peter) Put Agnus on the table. We'll put the crèche together this afternoon. Agnus? Huh? Oh. Mrs. Rizzo named the sheep. Hello, Tom. Hi Peter. (Enters) Good morning. I was just telling Peter here about about Agnus. The sheep is named Agnus. Like Agnus Dei. Lamb of God. What a beautiful name. And how appropriate for a crèche!

4 I thought she named it after her spinster aunt. The one that ran the gentlemen's club down in Milpitas, yes. Oh. That is not what I would have expected. The other two are Denise and Paula. I think those were her grandmothers. Did they, uh No, I don't think it was a family business. No no, I mean have they the other sheep ever exhibited miraculous properties? No, they have not. Now, if we're finished with that, I need you to run down to Chad s and pick up some candles for the advent wreath. Here's the address. (Gives Peter notes with address) Get them right away; we'll need them by tonight. Yes, Father. (Exits, right) Miraculous properties? What was it this time? He dropped it. On his foot. Ouch. He's fine. Which is what makes it a miracle?

5 Exactly. So how are you? Fine. Fine. Everything's fine. I wanted to return these. (Gives books to Brennigan) Ah, thank you. They were very interesting. You didn't finish them, did you? They're 1,500 pages! I- (Enters) Excuse me. Father...uh, I don't think you gave me the right address. (Takes paper with address and reads it) Chad's Rad Candles. 2121 Castro St. Yup, that's it. Okay. It's just I would have thought Thought what? You know these are candles for the church. I see. Well, Peter, you will need to watch out. You see, the owner of the store Chad Chad is Yes?

6 He s a how do I put this? Father, I He's a Lutheran. Oh! Well, I thought never mind. Don t hold it against him. It s a diverse city. Of course. But his husband s Catholic. I m hoping he can get Chad to convert. Uh Yes, Father. And remember, purple candles. Purple. Don't let him sell you fuchsia. It's not the same thing. Well, it probably is for Lutherans. But not for us. All right? Yes Father. Oh, and here. (Gives Peter books Angela brought it) You should read these. They're on the history of Jewish people from the death of Alexander to the destruction of the Jewish temple. Yes, Father. What? We have studied this in the seminary.

7 But not in the depth you should. I'll put them on the stack. Good. What's are these? (Notices other books) Some other books. Moby Dick. The Weeping Angel. And The Road to the Sky; it's by that sci-fi author you and Jason like. Oh, The Weeping Angel. My grandma gave it to me when I was a kid. I found that in a used bookshop somewhere. It's about an angel living on Earth. It seems like something you'd like. I love that part where the angel has her first baby and names it after her brother. My grandma would tell me that Peter! What?! I'm sorry. It's just could you excuse us, please? Okay. Oh, Father that reporter? Yes? She's supposed to be here at 10:00. (Crosses to right)

8 That's right. Thank you. And Peter, bring me the aspirin and some water when you get a chance, please. (Peter exits, right) Angela, what Aspirin? It's my back. Again? You should see a doctor. I'm fine. It's just stress. Stress? What's wrong? Nothing. Just for the past couple of months it's been, I don't know...stressful. I'll be fine in a few days. (Pause) So. What's up? Uh it's just that I needed to talk to you about the new stained glass window. Oh, yes. Normally, I would say that you should be trying to raise money now, before the end of the year. But given how big a window you'll need, well... We won't be able to raise all that money in a month. It's probably going to be a year-long effort. Maybe two. I see. What about that window I showed you? Do you think we could get it?

9 Do you mean the...? (Produces a printout, or paper catalog) This one. From that old church in France that closed. Oh. Yes. I love how Blessed Virgin Mary is tickling Jesus's feet, and he's laughing and grabbing at her chin. I've always really liked that image, and...angela? Tom, it's it's Angela! What wrong?! I'm sorry, Tommy, I It's okay. It's about Jason. What? What's wrong? (Crying) You know how Jason and I have been putting off having kids. Yes. We we've actually been trying. You have?

10 We wanted it to be a surprise. I know how you miss not seeing our nieces and nephews, and I wanted I knew you'd like to have more family right here. But Don't worry about me. What happened? Nothing! That's the point. Jason and I have been trying we've been trying for over a year. And nothing's been happening. So finally we went to the doctor. And It's all right. I'm fine. Everything's fine with me. But Jason he Oh, no. He can't. He I'm sorry. He's just torn up about it. He doesn't say anything, but I can tell. Is there anything the doctors can do? We've talked to some specialists. Tried everything they said. Nothing. He down in L.A. right now, seeing someone, but...it's a long shot. (Beat) It's just I want kids. Sure. But Jason: he's been talking about this for years. And now If wants to talk to me Thanks. I don't know what we're going to do. Angela?

11 Yes? I just want you to know whatever you decide to do you've got my full support. Both of you. Thank you, Tom. (Peter enters) Anyway, uh...that is a beautiful window, but I don't think it will still be available by the time we have the money. That's too bad. Father, she's here. The reporter. All right. Give us just another minute or two. (Peter exits, closing door behind him) Don't worry. I'm sure you'll get something magnificent. I'll start putting together a fundraising plan, and we should probably think about kicking it off in mid-february. Thank you. I'm happy to do it. A reporter? Oh, uh, someone from the paper. They want to do a story on the 100 th anniversary of the church building. Sounds interesting. I don't particularly care for reporters. Especially after well, you know Right. So, another miracle.

12 Another miracle. I think he's sweet. He reminds me of you a little, when you were his age. Nonsense. I never had that much energy. He's very devoted. Yes. Yes he is. And I've been running him around like an errand boy ever since my back went out, and he hasn't complained once. He really is a good kid. He'll make a good priest. (Beat) Are you going to be all right? I'm fine. Really. Of course. You're in my prayers. As always. Thank you. Two months? Huh? You've been stressed for two months, you said? About that. Well, what happened two months ago? (Beat) You had a birthday. Don't remind me.

13 It's not uncommon for people at your age to take stock. Look at the choices they've made. It's not a mid-life crisis, if that's what you mean. Okay. Well maybe a little. It's all right. Everyone goes through it. You're probably right. Now, I probably should get this over with. Want me to stick around? Peter! Thanks, but I'll be okay. Yes? Send her in, please. Okay. I'll talk to you later. (To offstage) (To Angela) (Sticks head in from offstage) (Peter walks in with Kathy following. Kathy is on crutches) Careful!

14 Thank you. (To Brennigan) Father Brennigan, how nice to finally meet you. Kathy Oakes, with the San Francisco Reporter. Nice to meet you to, Ms. Oakes. Let me get you a chair. What happened? (Stands) (To Peter) Thank you. (To Brennigan) I was in an auto accident. I broke my ankle. In three places. Ouch. How terrible. Well it s all right. My physical therapy is coming along pretty well. I should be fine in a few months. (To Angela) And you are? Angela Doyle. Father Brennigan's sister. That's biological sister. Not you know a nun. Just a little Catholic humor. I'll go get the candles now. (Pause) (Pause) (Pause)

15 Thank you, Peter. (Peter exits, right) Father Brennigan's sister? How interesting. Would you mind if I included you in the interview? Unfortunately, I have some errands to run. Maybe if I can ask just a couple of questions Ms. Oakes. So, what made you decide to do a story about the anniversary of our parish here? Bye. Tarot cards. Excuse me? (Angela crosses right) (Angela stops) Grand-ma-ma she's the owner of the paper, you know she did a Tarot reading last weekend, and the cards all pointed to this church. I see. And then she confirmed with her spirit guide and, yup, something big's going down here. Really?

16 And then, I just was talking with your intern, and he mentioned something about how the power of God fills this parish. Did he. So I have to find out what's going on. Maybe I will stick around. Just for a bit. Nothing is going on. We'll see. So, Mrs. Doyle, what do you do? Oh, I'm the executive director of Children Wanting. The charity? Yes. We've just started our December fundraiser, actually. We could do a story on that. Let me get back to you. That would be wonderful. So, Father, back to you. I oh, hold on a minute. (Hunts for tape recorder in purse) You were led here by a spirit guide! Really? Dentatus. Dentatus Maximus. He was a centurion in biblical Israel actually. I don't think he ever met Jesus, though.

17 And what did Dentatus think is going on here at St. Martin's? We don't know. Grand-ma-ma's Latin isn't all that good. (Finds tape recorder) Ah, here we go. Well Latin isn't widely taught these days. Father Brennigan's Latin is excellent. Really? How marvelous. Angela is exaggerating. Nonsense. You can cogito ergo sum better than anyone I know. Great! Can I ask you to translate? Really, my Latin is not I have the message right here. (Takes paper out of purse) Perhaps later. Now is sort of a busy time. About the interview Sure. You're going to record us? (Turns tape recorder on) Of course. I want to make sure I don't misquote you.

18 All right. You probably want to know about the history of the church. Actually, I The parish itself was established in the late 19 th century. The anniversary is the 100 th anniversary of the building, which replaced a previous building that burned down when Is it true that a miracle occurred here just the next year? A miracle? Oh, that. What? No one told you? Told me what? It's just an old story. Please tell me, Mrs. Doyle. You seem enterprising. I'm surprised you don't already know. The Reporter's records from that era are not very well organized. But I ve heard that one year to the day after the church building was dedicated, it began to rain here. On the church. Why is that a miracle?

19 It rained on the church, and nowhere else. If you walked a block in any direction, it was sunny. But over the church itself, nothing but rain. Just wait until Peter finds out. Let me see did it rain for three, seven or forty days? Three. You have heard of this! No, it's just that certain numbers appear in myths like this. If it was, say, nine days, that, at least, would be original. So you don't believe it? No. And what have you heard, Mrs. Doyle? Pretty much the same thing. It's just an old story. Any place this old is bound to have stories attached to it. There's supposed to be a ghost that wanders Hope Cathedral, for example. I've never heard that. How fascinating. Hope Cathedral. Dentatus has never mentioned this. I wouldn t put too much stock into it. Well, then, let me ask you some questions about yourself. Like what?!