The 1O COMMANDMENTS OF COMMUNICATION How to Get Your Communication Right Every Day
The 10 Commandments of Communication How to Get Your Communication Right Every Day James Skinner, Roice Krueger, and Mark Victor Hansen is an invitation to a whole new level of connection and effectiveness with other people. 2007, James Skinner, Roice Krueger, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 1
The Authors JAMES SKINNER is the founder of two global financial groups that manage billions of dollars of assets. He is also recognized as one of the world s foremost business thinkers and appears regularly on Japanese television. ROICE KRUEGER co-founded Franklin Covey, the world s largest training company, and has supervised consulting projects for 80 percent of the Fortune 500. MARK VICTOR HANSEN is the co-creator of the Chicken Soup for the Soul empire and is the best-selling nonfiction author of all time. His goal is to make the planet work for all humanity! NOTE: Ideas That Can Change Your Life is a collaboration of three of the world s most amazing authors, speakers, and thinkers. The first person I may refer to any of the authors. 2007, James Skinner, Roice Krueger, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 2
Foreword Some people know how to communicate. Some don t. The difference is night and day. It is the difference between failure and success, wealth and poverty, happiness and depression, having everything you want and literally having nothing. The reason is simple. Everything we do, we do through communication. Communication is the foundation of all our relationships, and relationships are the foundation of life. In business or in family, at work or at play, communication is what it s all about. The problem is almost nobody has received any training in how to do it, let alone how to do it well. will change all of that for you. We wish to express our gratitude to the amazing communicators who shared the 10 Commandments of Communication with us. Our lives have never been the same since. 2007, James Skinner, Roice Krueger, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 3
May you be guided in your relationships, and may your every communication be as rewarding as ours have been. James Skinner, Roice Krueger, Mark Victor Hansen 2007, James Skinner, Roice Krueger, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 4
Commandment 1: Listen Three Times as Much as You Talk For once, just once, shut up! Let s face it: You are not going to learn anything by talking. You are not going to find the solution to your problems by listening to yourself. If you already knew the answer, the problem would already be solved. Shut up! I am amazed by the number of salespeople who don t listen to their clients. By the parents who won t listen to their children. By the managers who won t listen to their employees. By all the people who keep jabbering away without the least understanding or insight into the problems and issues they are supposed to be discussing. Shut up for once already, and start listening. Your life will change completely. I m not kidding. I promise. Your life will change completely in one easy step. 2007, James Skinner, Roice Krueger, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 5
Your sales will increase. Your intimate relationship will be transformed. You will find solutions to problems. Everything will change. It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. Even a fool who remains quiet will be thought a sage. Shut up and listen. God gave you two ears and one mouth. Take a hint! Listen more than you talk. The two ears thing is just a start. You need to listen at least three times as much as you talk. Stop thinking about what you want to say next and really listen. 2007, James Skinner, Roice Krueger, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 6
Stop thinking about the questions that you want to ask, the information that you want to get, and start focusing on what the other person wants you to understand. Stop judging everybody. Just listen. This is the 1 st Commandment of Communication. Listen three times as much as you talk! Commandment 2: State the Other Person s Position First Everybody wants to be understood. Everybody wants to solve their own problems first. This is why people get defensive and guarded in communication. They are trying to get their own way. They need to make sure they are not going to be taken advantage of. They need to feel secure that their needs are going to be met. 2007, James Skinner, Roice Krueger, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 7
This is one of the biggest reasons why communication is ineffective. If both people are stuck in their own positions, if both are crying out to have their own needs met, then the communication is going nowhere. But this is so easy to change. You can completely disarm the other person and remove all the defensiveness in one simple step. State the other person s position first. Let me see if I understand what you are saying here I want to make sure that your needs are fully met. So what you are saying is... If I understand correctly, the things that are most important to you and your company in this transaction are This simple step transforms communication from competition to cooperation, from guarded to open, from win-lose to win-win. And it is so easy to do. 2007, James Skinner, Roice Krueger, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 8
If you do not know what the other person s position is, then go back to the 1 st Commandment: Listen, listen, listen! You will be amazed at the things you can learn. The reason most people have trouble finding mutually satisfactory solutions to problems is they are stuck on their own position. They are thinking of methods rather than results. Approaches rather than outcomes. Road maps rather than destinations. If you can figure out the result that both sides want, you can always find a way to get both of those results. And the key to doing that is the 2 nd Commandment of Communication. State the other person s position first! Commandment 3: Recognize the Hat You are Wearing We all communicate based on our position. We all have a particular point of view. Management sees things one 2007, James Skinner, Roice Krueger, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 9
way, labor unions another. Sales sees things differently than manufacturing. Parents have a different viewpoint than children. One solution may be better than another one in terms of speed. But the other approach may be cheaper. One way may be more fun, the other one more educational. One approach may be the best to minimize risk, but it may not have the highest return. Every statement we make comes from the particular viewpoint or position that we are focusing on in that moment. The key is to realize this and to openly state what hat you are wearing, or what viewpoint you are representing. From a sales perspective, I would have to say that Thinking in terms of quality, the best approach would seem to be If we think in terms of the ratio of risk to return, from among the options we are aware of 2007, James Skinner, Roice Krueger, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 10
This is your pilot speaking Let me put on my dad hat for a moment here As your doctor, I would have to recommend Let me speak for a moment as your friend It is much easier to accept what somebody else is saying if we both recognize that it is being offered as one point of view on the subject. Yes, I can see how management would feel that way. May I share with you how that issue is affecting us down here on the shop floor From a quality perspective, I can appreciate the importance of what you have just said. Now let s consider the issues of cost and timing 2007, James Skinner, Roice Krueger, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 11
Thank you for sharing with us the needs of the sales department. Now let me show you the challenges we are facing in manufacturing Communication is a two-way street, or a three-way intersection, or a freeway interchange. The whole purpose is to get all the important viewpoints, to understand the different ways that we all see things. This is so much easier when we follow the 3 rd Commandment of Communication. Recognize the hat that you are wearing! Commandment 4: Ask Questions Ask questions. Think of communication always as an opportunity to learn something. The best way to learn something, to get information that you do not already have is to ask a question. How do you see this issue? What are your ideas? 2007, James Skinner, Roice Krueger, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 12
Which of these approaches do you think best suits our needs? What is it that led you to that conclusion? What information do we have right now? Sometimes one of the most effective things you can do is to ask questions instead of stating your opinion. Asking questions shows that you are interested. It shows that you are engaged. It lets other people be involved. It creates synergy. One of the most powerful things about questions is they automatically direct our focus. What is really great about our current situation? This question immediately creates a positive focus. What options are available to us? 2007, James Skinner, Roice Krueger, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 13
This question immediately focuses people on solutions. Ask more questions. Ask better questions. Give yourself permission to listen. Care about the answer. This is the 4 th Commandment of Communication. Ask questions! Commandment 5: Use Appropriate Metaphors All our understanding is based upon our life experience. Great communicators recognize this and draw on metaphors and real-life illustrations to communicate more effectively. 2007, James Skinner, Roice Krueger, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 14
The parables in the New Testament are an excellent example of this. Basically a metaphor is just a comparison with something else that we already understand. Life is a stage. A library is a bank for knowledge. When we compare life to a bowl of cherries, or a library to a bank, we are engaging in metaphor. The key is to find a situation familiar to the other person that resembles in some way the situation you face now. For example, if you are working with a problem employee who has a lot of negative things to say about the company, you might use a metaphor like this: Our situation right now is like a couple experiencing trouble in their marriage. When the relationship started out, it was 2007, James Skinner, Roice Krueger, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 15
really great, but now there is a lot of negative energy and we have to decide if we want to solve our problems together or if it would be better for us to be divorced. If you are introducing an upper-end product to a client, you might use this analogy: Now, our product is more expensive than many others that you will see, but it might be useful to think of our products as the Rolls-Royce of office furniture. Our products appeal to a more discerning clientele who want comfort, status, and a terrific image. If you are consulting with a company founder who is having trouble letting go of the reigns, you might try this metaphor: Building a company is a lot like having children. We help them grow, and then there comes a time to let them move out on their own. It s really hard to do because we care so much about them, but sometimes it s what s needed for them to grow and become independent. 2007, James Skinner, Roice Krueger, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 16
Start looking for ways to use more metaphors in your communication. Make your communication visual so that people can see what you are trying to say. This is the 5 th Commandment of Communication. Use metaphors! Commandment 6: Be Congruent The majority of our communication is nonverbal. It is in our body language or in our tone of voice, volume, and other cues that we give to the other person. Being congruent simply means that our words, body language, voice, and tone are all giving the same message. Suppose you ask somebody if they are happy, and they say, Yes. Would you believe them? Well, that depends. 2007, James Skinner, Roice Krueger, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 17
Suppose they have a pleasant smile on their face, their eyes are wide and bright, their voice is upbeat. In a word, they are congruent. You have no reason to doubt their happiness. But suppose for a moment their shoulders are down, their facial muscles are slack, their breathing is uneven, their mouth is screwed into a frown, and they are crying. Their words may be saying yes, but everything else is saying no. To be great communicators, we need to learn to communicate congruently. The easiest way to do this is to have a message that we really believe in. If you don t believe in your products, get out of the business you are in now and find something you can believe in with all your heart. 2007, James Skinner, Roice Krueger, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 18
Your communication will become congruent and effective overnight! Another aspect of congruence is in our persistence. Great leaders have great goals and great dreams. Because their goals are so important to them, they are persistent and not willing to give up. Gandhi was beaten and put in prison, but he would not give up. He was completely congruent about his message, and there was no outside force that could change it. That is powerful communication! This is the 6 th Commandment of Communication. Be congruent! 2007, James Skinner, Roice Krueger, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 19
Commandment 7: Express Gratitude If there is a single thing we do that motivates other people, inspires loyalty, and causes us to be perceived as classy people, that one thing is expressing gratitude. It is recognizing that we do not achieve our greatest successes alone. It is knowing that day to day, we survive both physically and emotionally through the help of many, many other people. Gratitude is the evidence of royalty. By expressing gratitude to other people, you set yourself apart. The key is to remember the unnoticed people in the background whom everyone else tends to forget. Say you are asked to speak at a wedding. Your job is easy. Express gratitude! Stand up and express gratitude for the invitation to attend and the opportunity to speak. Express gratitude 2007, James Skinner, Roice Krueger, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 20
for the families of the bride and groom and their efforts in raising this fine couple. Express gratitude to their friends for supporting the couple and for coming out to show their support at this important turning point in the couple s life. Express gratitude to the people who prepared the wedding and all the work that went into it. Express gratitude to the staff who prepared and are serving the dinner. Express gratitude to the couple for showing us the possibility of love in the world. And then sit down! Nobody will regret having asked you to speak. Nobody will question the type of person you are. It will be obvious. Gratitude requires humility. We need to be humble enough to know that it s not all about us and what we did and what we know. And last of all, remember this: 2007, James Skinner, Roice Krueger, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 21
world! Gratitude is the anonymous gift we give to the When we show and express our gratitude to other people, they will feel validated in their efforts. They will become far more likely to out and help other people, support other projects, and do other work. them. Our gratitude will bless the lives of others through This is the 7 th Commandment of Communication. Express gratitude! Commandment 8: Take Adequate Time One of the most destructive habits many of us have in communication is the tendency to rush things. To try to be efficient. To be in a hurry to get the result we are looking for. But in communication, more often than not, fast is slow! When we communicate, we are working with 2007, James Skinner, Roice Krueger, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 22
people. There may be issues below the surface. Things they are not comfortable telling us right off. Questions that need to be resolved. Perhaps the greatest respect we can show to another person is to take adequate time to communicate with them. When you schedule meetings with important clients, schedule a block of time longer than what you have planned for the meeting. Then if the meeting runs overtime, you do not need to seem rushed or in a hurry. With people who are important to you key clients, your boss, your family, your intimate relationship try to meet or talk in an environment where you will not be interrupted until you have an opportunity to communicate fully. Try to create an environment that is easy to communicate in. Where necessary there should be adequate privacy. Can you both easily hear each other? Are you comfortable? 2007, James Skinner, Roice Krueger, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 23
If you are meeting in an office, take everything off your desk. There should be nothing between you and the other person to distract your attention. Always focus on the person you are communicating with. If you are distracted your mind is somewhere else, your eyes are wandering you can talk forever but the communication will never be effective. Be more effective and a little bit less efficient or officious. Take time for people. The sign of a great leader is they always have time for people and important relationships. The sign of a weak leader is they are always too busy to take the time. This is the 8 th Commandment of Communication. 2007, James Skinner, Roice Krueger, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 24
Take adequate time! Commandment 9: State the Hard Fact First Great communicators are courageous. This should be obvious, but it s not. So many people are beating around the bush. They are trying to say the hard thing without actually having to say it. It is pathetic! Spit it out. How are you ever going to solve the hard issue without saying what the hard issue is? The key to effective use of our time in communication is to state the hard facts first. To jump right into the most challenging and important issue first and to stick with it until we have made a decision and a plan of action. 2007, James Skinner, Roice Krueger, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 25
The biggest waste of time and frustration for employees in every organization is decisions that have not been made, issues that have not been addressed, meetings that deal with things of no importance because everyone lacks the courage to state the hard facts and deal with the hard issues first! Great leaders and great communicators do not shy from saying what needs to be said. You can say it with courtesy and class. But it still needs to be said, with no backing down, no hedging, no fear. Communication is supposed to inform. The facts are the facts. They do not change by simply being ignored or swept under the rug. first. Get into a habit of saying the most difficult thing It can only get better from there! 2007, James Skinner, Roice Krueger, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 26
If your product has problems or is uncompetitive in some way, let the client know right up front! If your company performance has been poor in some area, make that the first thing you say when you report your results to your shareholders! People will be astounded by your courage and your honesty and will then be willing to believe everything else you have to say about the good points and what you are doing to address the problems. This is the 9 th Commandment of Communication. State the hard fact first! Commandment 10: Be Real The best you will ever be is being you. Be real. Be genuine. Be sincere. Many amateur communicators get into trouble because they try to be clever. They try to sound 2007, James Skinner, Roice Krueger, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 27
sophisticated. They are trying to make an impression or to come off as something they are not. Of course it doesn t work. Others sense the lack of congruency and see right through people like that. The greatest communicators and leaders are genuine. They are comfortable in their own skin. They have a sense of who they are and are willing to put that out there for others to see. Poor communicators hide behind a mask. To be a great communicator, you have to share yourself with the world. The real you. The man or woman behind the mask. Come out of the darkness. Let others see, and hear, and feel who you are and what you re about. Share your fears and your dreams, your follies and your passions, your foibles and your strivings, your ups 2007, James Skinner, Roice Krueger, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 28
and your downs. People will connect with you in a much deeper way than you have ever experienced before. This is the 10 th Commandment of Communication. Be real! Summary Communication is not difficult. We do it all the time with everyone around us. Listen three times as much as you talk. You do not have to be clever to listen. You do not have to have a Ph.D. to listen. You do not have to be a CEO or the president to listen. State the other person s position first. No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Recognize the hat that you are wearing. Always let people know in advance what side of the issue you are representing when you speak. If you are a manager or 2007, James Skinner, Roice Krueger, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 29
executive, always express at least two to three sides to each issue. From a sales perspective I see it this way, but in the context of manufacturing, I would have a slightly different opinion Ask questions. See your communications as opportunities to learn and to become better informed. Don t worry about looking stupid or being out of place. There are usually at least two or three other people in the room wanting to ask the same question. Use appropriate metaphors. Make your communication visual, so people can see what you are trying to say. Find real-life examples that illustrate your points. Be congruent. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Be persistent. Never give up on your dreams and goals. Express gratitude, especially to the little guy whom everyone else has forgotten. 2007, James Skinner, Roice Krueger, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 30
Take adequate time. Be less efficient and more effective. Underschedule on days when you have important meetings about critical issues. State the hard fact first. Deal with the most difficult issue first. Do not fall into the trap of dealing with the easy task first if it is not the most important thing you have to do. Life is too short. Be courageous. Get the hard thing out of the way, and enjoy the rest of the ride. Be real. Be you. Let people see who you are. Share a part of yourself with others. After all, that is what communication is really all about anyway. With best wishes, James Skinner, Roice Krueger, Mark Victor Hansen 2007, James Skinner, Roice Krueger, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 31