Dis/Troy A play inspired by Homer's Iliad by Yokanaan Kearns (c) Yokanaan Kearns 3274 Pinao St. Honolulu, HI 96822 808-988-2755 yokanaan@hawaii.rr.com
CAST in order of appearance : Greek general : best Greek warrior, practically a boy : Greek warrior, Achilles best friend : queen of the gods, supporter of the Greeks : goddess of lust, supporter of Troy : god of war, usually supports the Greeks ZEUS: king of the gods; tries to be impartial PRIAM: grandfatherly king of Troy HECTOR: Priam s son, best warrior in Troy ANDROMACHE: Hector s wife Note: roles can be doubled and tripled in various ways. SETTING: The Greek camp, the battlefield, the palace at Troy, Olympus. Dis/Troy was originally commissioned by the Honolulu Theatre for Youth and was staged in February/March 2004. It underwent development at the Kennedy Center's New Visions/New Voices program (2002) as well as at a residency (2003) funded through a Playwrights in our Schools grant from the Alliance for Theatre Education and the Children's Theatre Foundation of America.
Yokanaan Kearns -- Dis/Troy -- Scene 1 1. SCENE 1 (The Greek camp. is trying to decide which robe to wear. He holds one up.) Not manly enough. (Holds up another.) Too manly. (Sighs in frustration.) (cont d) (barking) Not now, Achilles! enters, carrying an arm-load of swords. quickly throws the robe down. Count them! I m busy! Busy? What, hot date? Drops the swords one at a time, each with a loud thud. (cont d) Just like yesterday. Like the day before yesterday. Get out! picks up one of the swords and examines it with care and respect. This one belonged to Orus. Know what his favorite food was? Who cares? Pears. Reminded him of his wife s sweet kisses. Tosses the sword to, who holds it like it s contaminated. picks up another sword. (cont d) Leocritus. Funniest Greek I ever met.
Yokanaan Kearns -- Dis/Troy -- Scene 1 2. Who needs jokes? tosses the sword to, who now awkwardly holds two swords. Don t worry about getting blood on your shirt. It s spotless. They re all spotless. Our men are DYING! They knew the dangers. Dying in battle, sliced by a sword, pierced by a spear, trampled by a horse. The way heroes die. With honor. They never knew one of the dangers would be dying in BED of the PLAGUE. Picks up a third sword and tosses it to, who tries to catch it but ends up dropping all three. (cont d) Your nephew Pedassus used that to save my life the other day. A spear was speeding through the air, my chest its target. He saw it coming and split it in two. He knew the dangers, too. Yesterday he was talking about going home when the war s over, back to his mother and father, a ship full of Trojan plunder to make them proud. This morning he couldn t get up, couldn t raise his head for a sip of water. He begged me to carry him to the battlefield so he could die with honor. Just when I agreed, he breathed his last. In BED. Waiting for Uncle Agamemnon. He s still waiting. enters cautiously. Neither warrior notices. Waiting for what? For you to bury him. I m not his father. He was FOURTEEN!
Yokanaan Kearns -- Dis/Troy -- Scene 1 3. I m busy. (sarcastic) We all know what you mean by busy. looks at the s robes. Thinking! Planning! The plague is KILLING us! Plagues don t last forever. This one might. What s Patroclus doing in my tent? I told him to talk to Calchas. A fortune teller? Are you challenging my leadership? (to Agamemnon) Somebody had to go. (to Achilles) Keep your pup on a tighter leash, Achilles, or I WILL. (to Patroclus) What did he say? Agamemnon sends the girl home or else the plague goes on... and on... and on... I m not listening to you. Not US, Agamemnon. WE don t know what makes a plague. Calchas does.
Yokanaan Kearns -- Dis/Troy -- Scene 1 4. (to Achilles) Her father is a priest. You can t abduct the daughter of a priest. The plague s our punishment. (to Agamemnon) Send the girl home before anybody else dies in bed. Do it now! That s not fair! You can t argue with the gods. I won t do it. You don t have a choice. No. (to Achilles) Maybe he ll change his tune after we dig another thousand graves, Achilles. (to Achilles)... All right. I ll send my girl home to her daddy if you give me the redhead. Forget it. That s what I want. The redhead. Or I don t send mine back to daddy. And if I say no? You don t have a choice. (Beat.) How do you like it when YOU can t say no? (To.) Go and get her, Patroclus. Patroclus, stay where you are.
Yokanaan Kearns -- Dis/Troy -- Scene 1 5. Okay, tell the men I offered a way to stop the plague. Tell them Achilles turned me down. (cont d) (to Patroclus) Let me kill him myself! draws his sword and rushes at with a scream. They fight. Soon moves to try to stop them. (laughs) You and what army? (to Achilles) Don t kill him. (to Patroclus) I can defend myself. quickly gains the upper hand. Defend yourself? Thought you were gonna kill me. He becomes more violent, pushing back. He holds the tip of his sword against s throat. Achilles! No! Why not? Killing him won t stop the plague. Give him the girl. The men will say I let Agamemnon walk all over me. They ll be grateful. Gratitude! Worthless as a goat s kisses! When we sack Troy --
Yokanaan Kearns -- Dis/Troy -- Scene 1 6. When YOU sack Troy. You ll lead the attack. You ll get first pick of everything in the city. You can t let the men die in bed. (to Agamemnon) Fine. Go ahead. Take the redhead. backs away from. Thank you, Achilles! You re smarter than I thought. But the next time you order the men into battle, I won t be there. What! (to Agamemnon) When Hector leads his warriors past our defenses and burns our ships and holds his sword to your throat, you will beg me to fight again. Going home with your sword between your legs, Achilles? I m not going anywhere. I want to be right here to see the look on your face when you lose. We ll do fine without you! Without me, who s gonna kill Hector? A god? Not a bad idea. Gets down on one knee and reaches his hands to the sky. (cont d) Hear me, Hera, Queen of the undying gods. For your glory I have led the Greeks. (MORE)
Yokanaan Kearns -- Dis/Troy -- Scene 1 7. (cont d) For my honor I ask now that you hear my prayer and grant me the strength to kill Hector and conquer Troy and teach a lesson to this... this... whining... nagging... disrespectful... BOY. Gets up, gives a smug look, exits. Did he just curse you? I ll take my case to a higher authority. Gets down on one knee and reaches his hands to the sky. (cont d) Zeus almighty, Lord of all who are fated to die... Praise him. (whispering)... you are MY god above all others... Tell him about Agamemnon.... for you would never protect a shameful, greedy, arrogant, pig-headed, fish-brain like Agamemnon. If ever I have honored your name, grant me this prayer I send to you on Olympus. Unless Agamemnon surrenders to me the glory and honor that I deserve... The redhead, get to the redhead.... I pray that you shame him... make him the ultimate fool... shame him as only a general can be shamed. Hey, wait a minute! Make him lose the war. He exits.
Yokanaan Kearns -- Dis/Troy -- Scene 1 8. Oh boy. (long pause)
Yokanaan Kearns -- Dis/Troy -- Scene 2 9. SCENE 2 (Olympus. A fancy couch and a big chair. An oversized accordion file - the Prayer File - sitting atop a Greek column that s high enough to make it hard to reach the Prayer File. Two Big Charts (a Big Greek Chart and a Big Trojan Chart), both of which have names written on them, all of them crossed out, except on the Greek chart three names in bold letters, reading from top to bottom ORUS, LEOCRITUS, PEDASSUS. The whole floor is scattered with pages and pages torn from the charts, all covered with names that have been crossed out. Three gods are on the couch: in the middle between, her grown son, and, girlfriend. All three are staring out at something, straining to hear. Suddenly claps her hands and jumps up. She dances over to the Big Greek Chart and begins crossing off names.) Orus, Greek. (Scratch.) Leocritus, Greek. (Scratch.) Pedassus, Greek. (Scratch.) Not a single Trojan. How quickly the Greeks are dying. And from plague of all things! I wonder who s next... Goes to turn the page. Aphrodite, don t! Don t what, Ares? Don t turn the page! I just want a peek. Zeus forbids peeking. Forbids ME? Zeus forbids peeking!!! You re not afraid your daddy s going to yell at you, are you? I m afraid of thunderbolts... lightning... being chained to a cliff.
Yokanaan Kearns -- Dis/Troy -- Scene 2 10. Just a teeny tiny peek? Begins to turn the page. jumps from the couch. Aphrodite, please! Pulls close. Oh! Aren t you STRONG! Please don t make Zeus angry. Are you trying to save me, Ares? Well... yeah... I guess. My hero! Not in front of my mother... Runs her hands over head and pulls him close for a kiss, but resists. Returns to the couch next to. dances away, giggling. I missed it! Missed what, Mother? I missed Zeus reply. (Points at.) Just when he said yes or no to Achilles prayer, Miss Olympus here snorted! HA-ha! (to ) What do you see in her?
Yokanaan Kearns -- Dis/Troy -- Scene 2 11. She s cute. HA-ha! EVERY goddess is cute on Olympus. She s got a cute face. Already implied by cute. She s got cute... teeth! Ares, she's turning you into the god of dental hygiene! May I remind you, Hera, that in addition to exceptional beauty, I possess a sense of hearing that surpasses that of all other gods. (proudly) Now you know what I see in her! Too bad her cute mouth doesn t know when to be quiet. I can hear conversations thousands of miles away. (Cups a hand over an ear.) In a small Italian village, an argument is breaking out between two farmers, both of whom want to marry the mayor s daughter. (excited) Will there be a fight? She s making this up. I can also hear whispers from the other side of the room. (Mischievously.) I can even hear over the sound of my own giggling. (to Aphrodite) Did you hear my dad s answer to Achilles prayer?
Yokanaan Kearns -- Dis/Troy -- Scene 2 12. (to Aphrodite) Well? Did you? I think maybe I heard him say, Nope. Sorry, Achilles, I can t help you with that. Ooh, Zeus! Olympus will be Heaven for YOU tonight! No, no, it was more like, Okay, Achilles, I ll do as you ask. Agamemnon will be humiliated. Ooh, Zeus. Then Heaven will be Hell for you tonight! dances away. HA-ha! What did he really say! Mother, stop it. She s our guest! chases around the couch and the big chair. is too quick to catch. She knows! What s the big deal? Ares, what s in Achilles prayer? He wants Father to humiliate Agamemnon. How. Well... Agamemnon s a general, right? I guess Father would have to make Agamemnon look like he s not such a good general.
Yokanaan Kearns -- Dis/Troy -- Scene 2 13. Yes. How. Agamemnon would look pretty small if he lost the war. THAT S the big deal!! That IS a big deal! HA-ha! Ares, the last I heard, you were on MY side. You want the Greeks to win. Or has your girlfriend s superficial beauty and supernatural hearing convinced you that Troy should win? What did my father say? gets up and joins in the chase. Just as and are about to catch, she hides behind the Prayer File column and threatens to push it over. I don t know, I wasn t paying attention, don t hurt me! and look to see if ZEUS is coming. Don t touch that! Aphrodite, step AWAY from the Prayer File. I swear, I didn t hear Achilles say anything, I didn t hear Zeus say anything. Get... away... from the Prayer File. This is the Prayer File?
Yokanaan Kearns -- Dis/Troy -- Scene 2 14. That s the Prayer File. So... Zeus answer to Achilles prayer... in there? In there. Let s take a look! Starts to rock the Greek column back and forth. Aphrodite! Thunderbolts, lightning, chains! The Prayer File spews prayers. starts snooping. Zeus of Olympus, ever-living blah blah blah... please turn my mean sister into a frog. Approved! Immortal Zeus, blah blah blah, please kill my neighbor and his noisy rooster. Denied! ZEUS enters, unnoticed. (cont d) "Zeus almighty, Lord of all blah blah blah... you are my god above all others... blah blah blah... fish-brain Agamemnon!" That s Achilles! Where! What s it say? ZEUS It s none of your business!,, and turn in unison, shocked to see ZEUS. Husband! Father!
Yokanaan Kearns -- Dis/Troy -- Scene 2 15. Oh my god!