Negotiating The Relationship Maze Text: Ephesians 5:21-6:9; cf. 5:18 Series: Ephesians [#18] Pastor Lyle L. Wahl August 26, 2007 Theme: Only The Holy Spirit s Control Makes Your Relationships Godly. Introduction This morning we are looking at a maze. A maze is some kind of an intricate, usually confusing network of connecting pathways; or, figuratively, something that has confused, tangled or conflicting elements. For example, people complain about the maze of government or corporate bureaucracy. The first picture that comes into your mind when you hear the word maze may be different than mine. Let s look at a few. [Display on screen pictures of: a classic English maze; another classic hedge maze; a flower maze; another flower maze, but a water maze (swim or wade?); corn Maze; yellow brick road maze; Johnny Cash maze; a puzzle maze; the maze of relationships (graphic at top of this page). Today we are looking at negotiating the relationship maze. Family, friends, school, church, work, community relationships are important, and often can be confusing and tangled. Paul is still laying out the practical aspects of living worthy of our calling, as he addresses our relationships. Let s note a couple of things as we begin. First, these 22 verses have spawned volumes of questions, thousands of books and articles. Our look today is basically an overview. As they say in the film industry, there is a lot more of what I wanted to include that is on the cutting room floor than we will see today. Two similar passages of Scripture are Colossians
3:18-4:1 and 1 Peter 2:18 3:12. The main truth these three passages is that only the Holy spirit s control makes your relationships godly. The second thing to note is that there are two key verses which tie this together. The opening verse, 5:21, be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. This statement begins a new sentence, although it is not reflected in all versions. The question is, does it belong with 5:18-20 or does it start a new section going on through 6:9? The answer is: Yes! It is what is sometimes called a hinge verse, in that it looks back and also ahead. Here, it looks back to what it means to be filled with the Spirit in 5:18, and forward to mutual submission as a base for godly relationships. That brings us to the second key verse, the last part of verse 18 here in chapter 5, which we looked at last time, be filled with the Spirit. Pastor Tyler covered the meaning of being filled with the Spirit last Sunday. Let s note a couple things in review. First, the term be filled moved beyond the idea of something filling space, to exerting energy on, directing and controlling what it fills. A classic illustration in Paul s day was of wind filling the sails of a ship the word conveyed the idea of the wind energizing the ship, directing and controlling it. So, God s command is that to live worthy of our calling we are to be continually energized, directed and controlled by the Holy Spirit. Only the Holy spirit s control makes your relationships godly. The Holy Spirit s Control In Your Church Relationships. We begin with the Holy Spirit s control in your church relationship. The action called for here is mutual submission, as we read in verse 21, be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. The phrase to one another makes it clear he is talking about other believers, relationships in the church. Think about the command, be subject. At the root of this term is the idea placing things in order and so, to arrange. In this particular word it is to arrange under, to place or order yourself under, to subordinate yourself to, to be subject to or submit to. Let s look at two other examples of this word in the New Testament. 1 Corinthians 16:16, speaking of faithful, devoted believers in that church, Paul wrote be in subjection to such men and to everyone who helps in work and labors. Then 1 Pet. 5:5, You younger men, likewise, be subject to your elders; and all of you clothe yourself with humility toward one another, for GOD IS OPPOSED TO THE PROUD, BUT GIVES GRACE TO THE HUMBLE. 2
Humility is important here. As Paul wrote in Romans 12:3, everyone among you [is] not to think more highly of himself that he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgment as God has allotted to each a measure of faith. Yes, it sometimes, even often, takes faith to be humble, and to submit. And, of course, in Phil. 2 we are told to have the same humility that Christ had in coming into this world and dying for us. We are to have the attitude of being willing to submit to other believers, we are to be subject to each other. Your worth or equality as a person is not in view here. We all have equal value to God. Neither are offices, authority or roles which God has established in the church in view here. Just as Christ submitted to the authority of the Father as recorded in the gospels, and will submit in handing the kingdom over to the Father after His reign on earth (1 Corinthians 15:28), and is equal in nature with the Father and Holy Spirit, so it is here. Submission does not imply inequality. This attitude and action is essential for our relationships with each other to be godly. Now let s move to look behind the action, at the motivation. We are to be motivated, verse 21 tells us, in the fear of Christ. The wording here varies in our different versions. Paul used this word for fear three other times with reference to God, and each of them have judgment in view (Romans 3:18; 2 Corinthians 5:11; 7:1). The idea of simple respect is not adequate in those uses. Yet, as in verse 21 of our text, it is not a dread or terror. It is not that we are to submit to each other in panic and terror of Christ, but with a reverential fear; a sober, reverential respect of Christ, knowing He will judge all that we do, including how we think of and relate to each other. Only when the Holy Spirit fills our sails, energizes and controls us will our relationships with other believers be godly. The Holy Spirit s Control In Your Family Relationships. Now let s move from relationships in the church to relationships in the family. Paul begins with that of a wife to her husband in verses 22-24 and verse 33. The first responsibility is submission. Verse 22, Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. Verse 3
24 adds, in everything. We don t have time to touch on everything in the text on this today, let alone outline the various views. The words be subject in verse 22 are in italics in some versions. This reflects that the verb is not actually in verse 22, but this phrase looks back to verse 21 for it. Remember from verse 21, equality, inferiority/superiority are not in view here. Responsibilities are in view. The same verb for be subject to is used in the parallel passages, Colossians 3:18 and 1 Peter 3:1. These clear statements reflect God s design in creation. As in verse 21, this is voluntary obedience. Not optional obedience, but voluntary obedience place yourself under, place yourself in subjection. One implication, then, is that husbands are not to, cannot demand or dictate this submission. But why? Why are wives to submit to their husbands? This is part of God s design, His established order for the family is that husbands are to be leaders. Let s pick it up at verse 23, For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything (verses 23-24). The basic idea of the term head is prominence or preeminence. It most often refers to authority. Sometimes to the origin or source, although never in relationships either in our out of the New Testament. Paul has used the word twice before in this letter: in 1:22 he states that Christ is the head over all things (clearly authority). And then in 4:15, Christ is the head of the body (church). Verse 23 is like 1:22 in stating that Christ is the ruler, the authority over the church. That is made clear in verse 24 where it states a wife s submission is to be like the church s submission to Christ. The motivation, submit as to the Lord (22). Everything we do is to be part of our service for Christ, including a wife s submission to her husband, and all our service to each other in the family. Very briefly, consider some practical questions, problems, implications. The phrase be subject to [your] husband[s] in everything needs to be clarified. God never asks anyone to submit to the suggestion or direction to do things that are sinful. Do a study sometime of Abigail in 1 Samuel 25, whose worthless husband Nabal put his entire family at risk by denying David s men their wages for work they had done for him. She did not submit to his sinful action, but interceded on her own with David, and saved herself, her husband and 4
family. The Bible makes it clear that our supreme allegiance is to God. A wife has no responsibility to enable her husband s sinfulness. If a man does not take his leadership role, if he does not do his best to care and provide for his family, if he does not follow his responsibilities as a husband and father, then his wife s difficult position is that of following God in those things, as Abigail did. The second responsibility is in verse 33, the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. The word respect is similar to the word fear in verse 21. There is to be a reverent respect for her husband in the leadership position God has given him. And, again, that does not mean supporting foolish or sinful actions remember Abigail. Now we move on to a husband s responsibility to love his wife iin verses 25-33. Verse 25, Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her. Again in verse 28, So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself. And once more, verse 33, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself. Paul states in three times because we need it?!? Certainly because of its importance. Love that includes warmth and closeness, but goes far beyond that. Love that is a decision to think of and act toward your wife for God s best for her. A committed lifestyle of pleasing her, and her best interests being placed first, before your own. And, as with all these responsibilities, it is a voluntary act of obedience to God. The model of this love is Christ. Christ in His love gave Himself up, sacrificed Himself for the church (verse 25). In love, Christ brought about, brings about the best for us. Look at verse 26, so that He [Christ] might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless (verses 26-27). In His love Christ cares for the well-being of the church, go on at verse 28. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his 5
own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church (verses 28-29). The mystery of Christ loving His church (verses 31-32) is pictured in Christian marriage. Consider some practical, acid-tests on this responsibility. If you have grown up around the church, this statement on love may sound like a well-worn platitude, or an ideal that would be nice, if only we were perfect! Each man is to love his wife as he loves himself (verse 28). Men, any kind of casual attitude here is dangerous. God calls you to voluntarily love your wife as Christ loved the church not someday, not in a few ways, but today, and in all ways. Taking this lightly is disobeying to God. Remember the apostle Peter s words, You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered (1 Peter 3:7) Next comes a child s responsibility to obey and honor his/her parents in the opening verses of chapter 6. The first responsibility: obedience. Verse 1, Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Obey your parents in the Lord. Obey in the strength God offers and provides. Obey as a result of your relationship to Him. Obey in things and ways that agree with God, His truth and will; things and ways which please Him. Why? Because this is right. This is the motivation. There is no wiggle room here. Obeying your parents is right. Now, this does not mean that children are like property or robots; nor that they are to follow every direction without thinking, discussion or even debate at times. The second responsibility to parents is to honor them. Verse 2. Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth. There is honor and respect here. Let s dig a bit deeper. The original idea behind this word for honor was to set a price or value. Then it referred to something or someone who was highly valued. From there it came to mean to show, to display the value and respect you have for another. Earlier this year we walked through the book of Esther. Do you remember Haman, the prime minister? He constantly dreamed and schemed to promote himself. Early one morning the king asked Haman What should be done for a man the king wants to 6
honor? Haman thought, Whom would the king desire to honor more than me? So quickly, he responded, let them bring a royal robe which the king has worn, and the horse on which the king has ridden and on whose head a golden crown has been placed. Haman pictured himself royally attired, riding on the royal horse and one of the most noble princes leading him around the city calling out to all to take note of the man the king was honoring. We know what happened: Haman had to lead the horse and his hated enemy Mordecai around the city. His view of honor was shallow and vain. But that action pictures the principle: it was an active, tangible display of the king s respect, value and appreciation for Mordecai. You and I are our parents child as long as we have parents. When you set up your own home, the responsibility of obedience shifts in a major way. The ways in which we honor them also shifts through the various stages of our and their lives, but the principle of honoring them is life-long. Children who are filled, energized and directed by the Holy Spirit will obey and honor their parents. This responsibility comes with a two-fold promise. I agree with one who said that these promises are difficult to define precisely because the Scriptures offer very little illumination (Harold Hoehner, p. 792). Paul s citation goes back to the ten commandments in Exodus 20 given to Israel as they prepared to enter the land. The promise here is a blessing. It appears to have the same basic direction as in the Old Testament: obeying and honoring your parents will lead to a good and long life. Yes, there are exceptions. God s ordained patterns for family relationships lead to knowledge, wisdom, making good choices and building strong foundations which generally mean a more stable and even healthy, lengthy life. Next we see a father s responsibility to his child in verse 4. When you look at the verse you may notice that mothers are not mentioned along with father s. Why not? The simple answer is that God does not tell us why not. The first responsibility is negative, do not provoke your children to anger. There is a great deal of anger in our world. To successfully negotiate the relationship maze in the family, father s (and mothers) must not provoke anger in their children. Before some teens smile, note that just because you think your parents made you angry, that doesn t mean your parents are responsible for making you angry. Picture this. Your 7
parents tell you to clean up your room and take out the garbage before going out with your friends. You don t get to it. When you come home your parents confront you, and you are grounded. You may think, and even say, You make me so angry! But, while your anger is real, your parents did not provoke you to anger. They exercised sound, godly discipline. Now, if you had not been told to clean up your room before you went out, or there was no standing rule for you to do that, and you got grounded for not doing it, then your parents would be provoking you to anger. The second responsibility is to nurture them, to, in Paul s words, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. There is balance here: instruction and discipline. Instruction without correction usually does not sink in, at least in the way parents want it to. Little children learn quickly. A child wants something and asks. Mom and Dad say No. The child persists. The parents repeat, No. But if the child keeps on asking and the parent(s) eventually give in, the child learns quickly. At a very young age the child may not know exactly how many times to keep asking, but he has learned, he has been instructed in how to get from No to Yes. Instruction without consistency, without discipline, results in parents teaching their children lessons they don t want them to learn. Then, discipline without instruction causes confusion, anger and rebellion. Put the two together. Parents have the responsibility to their children to nurture them in the Lord. The tasks can be overwhelming and intimidating negotiating the maze of family relationships requires being energized and controlled by the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit s Control In Your Work Relationships. There is one more set of relationships here: work relationships. We begin with the employee s responsibility to obey and serve his/her employer as serving Christ. The first responsibility: obedience. Verse 5, Slaves, be obedient to those who are your masters according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in the sincerity of your heart, as to Christ; not by way of eyeservice, as men- pleasers, but as slaves of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart (verses 5-6). 8
Masters, employers, supervisors are not superior in value or worth, but they do have a higher rank, a higher position in the work relationship. They are to be obeyed. Masters of slaves and bondservants in the first century routinely used fear to motivate them they thought it produced greater loyalty (some people seem to still believe this today). So, first century salves and bondservants had much to fear being beaten, sold or even killed. The word fear is the same one we saw earlier and, in the work environment today, can be rightful respect and honor to the one who directs your work. This obedience is to be given with true sincerity, as an extension of how you obey and revere Christ. Workers are to have integrity in the workplace, toward their employers, not just outward conformity (while seething inside), but doing God s will from your heart. One management expert said that the day you are no longer loyal to your employer is the day you should quit. Not loyal to his/her weaknesses, but to the overall leadership. If there are ethical or relational matters you try to resolve but can t, if you can t be loyal, Quit! Notice the emphasis: as to Christ (verse 5); as slaves of Christ (verse 6); doing the will of God (verse 6). Is this common today? The staff at a zoo established a Bosses Day. For a $5 nomination fee you could choose an animal that pictures your boss. They gave people a list to choose from: striped skunk, bearded pig, red-necked ostrich, blood-sucking assassin bug, spiny toad, hissing cockroach and well, you get the picture. The boss with the most nominations was given a certificate naming him/her the most appropriate zoo animal. What (who) was he most popular animal? The blood-sucking assassin bug, followed closely by the striped skunk. 7. The second responsibility: serve your employer with good will as service to God. Verse With good will render service, as to the Lord, and not to men, knowing that whatever good thing each one does, this he will receive back from the Lord, whether slave or free (verses 7-8). Perform your work, relate to your employer with good will, knowing that ultimately you are serving God. Not just when being watched, or when you want to be noticed. An employer walked around the production floor form time to time because he was concerned about productivity. He asked, What can I do to help all of you function better, be more productive 9
when I come around? One answer was, Wear squeaky shoes. Recognize your ultimate reward is not your pay check, not praise or awards from the company, but from God. Turning it around, an employer is to do good and not threaten his/her employees. Verse 9, And masters, do the same things to them. Do the same things to and for your employees that God asks them to do for you! Have the same sincerity, integrity, and attitude of ultimately serving God which He directs your employees to have in working for you. Serve God by and in serving your employees. Secondly, give up threatening, knowing that both their Master and yours is in heaven, and there is no partiality with Him (verse 9). In many ways, an employer has the upper hand. Don t threaten, don t hold their performance review, their raise or bonus, their job over their heads. I shake my head every time I hear of managers or employers trying to motivate and control their employees with threats. That might get some surface conformity, but it is neither good for the employees nor does it please God. And why not use threats? Because as a believer you are ultimately serving God and God won t show you any partiality just because you were a manager or employer. Conclusion. Relationships are so important. Negotiating the Relationship Maze can be so difficult. Only the Holy Spirit s control makes your relationships godly. Well-known author Jerry White tells us, Christians are to be servants of both God and people. But most of us approach business and work and life in general with the attitude, What can I get? rather than What can I give? We find it encouraging to think of ourselves as God s servants. Who would not want to be a servant to the King? But when it comes to serving other people, we begin to question the consequences. We feel noble when serving God; we feel humble when serving people, especially those who cannot repay, [when it] has no visible benefit or glory from anyone except from God. Christ gives us the Example, The Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many. To be a servant of God we must be a servant of people. In business and work [and, I would add, in the church and in the family] the concept 10
of serving people must undergird all that we do. While we serve we think first of the one we are trying to serve. In the next moments as you spend time with God, clarify the quality of your relationships, particularly any that God has impressed on you as we have looked at these verses. Do you like what you see? Are those relationships energized and controlled by the Holy Spirt? Are they godly? Then, move from evaluation to action. Confess and repent from everything that is not as it should be, every aspect of every relationship that God has led you to see this morning as not being godly. Decide to let the Holy Spirit fill the wind of your sails, to continually energize and direct every aspect of all your relationships. 2007 Lyle L. Wahl Scripture taken from the NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE, Copyright 1960, 1962, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. 11