Sermon for June 16, 2013 BMZ Church Series: FORGIVENESS: The New F Word Text: Matthew 18:21-35 Title: How Can I Forgive Others? Introduction: How we doing, BMZ?!? Glad you are with us! Today we are continuing our series called, FORGIVENESS: The New F Word. There are a lot of powerful words in our language and often we use them flippantly; BUT, there is 1 (ONE) F -WORD that trumps them all FORGIVENESS! This month we are going to talk about what FORGIVENESS is, how to forgive ourselves forgive others how to make FORGIVENESS a WAY OF LIFE We ve said that actual FORGIVENESS is OFF THE CHARTS of LOGICAL. It really doesn t make sense. FORGIVENESS throws out the rules of FAIRNESS Make Love a VERB?! It s been said that LOVE is UNLIMITED FORGIVENESS. BUT, there s a couple of PROBLEMS with UNLIMITED FORGIVENESS We talked about one of those problems last week. FORGIVING OURSELVES is so HARD! I would suggest that THE HARDEST PERSON to FORGIVE is the one in the MIRROR. If you missed that one or the first week when we talked about how we are ALL FORGIVEABLE find it on our website: www.bmzchurch.org worship sermons. THIS WEEK speaking of UNLIMITED FORGIVENESS being HARD How Can I Forgive Other People? Every week here at BMZ, we say what we call The Lord s Prayer I say that it s actually The Disciple s Prayer because that s how our Lord taught the Disciples to pray nonetheless, we say it every week. And every week we say a phrase in that prayer that applies to where we are going today. Every week as we recite the prayer we say: and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us Does that sound familiar?!? As we say the word trespasses, what that means is SIN. Meaning, and forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us Again, remembering that that is how Jesus taught us to pray, there might be some GREAT INSIGHT in THAT PHRASE! A couple of weeks ago, we talked about how God forgives us we are all FORGIVEABLE! Then, last week we discovered how to FORGIVE OURSELVES. BUT, How do we FORGIVE OTHERS?!? Well, the BIBLE says that we are to forgive OTHERS the same way that GOD forgives US. That s not easy, is it?? If you have your Bible with you, turn with me to Matthew 18 if you don t; no worries. All of our Scriptures for today will be up on the screen and much of what we are doing is in your program. If you don t own a Bible and would like one, please stop by Java Jct/Blessed Bean and someone will get you set up with your own Bible. Speaking of which If you haven t already, I invite you to take out your message notes and merge card... On one side you will see our Scripture for today and on the other you will find a brief outline walking us through our Scripture. You will see that there are blanks to fill in I would love to have you take the time to do so. Grab a pen and write down whatever else you think is important to you and your faith journey. After worship, take this home and refrigerate it. Please Re-read the Scripture and the notes to keep growing and learning. For those of you watching on-line, you can hit the button for notes and for MERGE CARD and stick with us. If you are watching/listening later, or IPODing; you can download the outline off of our website so you too can take notes. Let s pray and then we will press on with where we are going today LET S PRAY (turn off marked lights during prayer)!
2 So, FORGIVING OTHERS is tough stuff and you already have a couple of people in mind as we approach this subject, don t you? I think that forgiving other people is hard for us for a number of reasons, and one of those is that we might have a misconception of what FORGIVENESS REALLY IS. So, I came up with a list of things that FORGIVENESS IS NOT Forgiving Others is NOT: - Justifying their Actions If you ve been hurt in the past and you need to FORGIVE someone, that does not include making excuses for their actions. If you have to say, well, they re under a lot of pressure or you know, they stay so busy or I m sure they didn t mean it that way ; that s not forgiveness. Justifying their actions actually works against true forgiveness. You are taking yourself off of the hook of forgiving. - Trusting the Passage of Time If you ve heard the phrase, Time heals all wounds, you understand this one. Some people think that the pain they experience will just go away over time. Seriously?!? I know people who have held onto pain for 20, 30, 40 or 50 years. Time didn t heal a thing!! It maybe put a Band-Aid on it, but there was not healing. - Denying that You re Hurt Men are really good at this one. It s saying, It didn t hurt or that was nothing it didn t bother me. We tell ourselves that we are tough and we can handle it and it won t get to us, but some hurts are like a splinter in our finger. If we deny it s there, it might get infected and our whole hand and eventually, our whole being suffers for it. Just because we deny it hurts doesn t mean it didn t hurt and won t continue to hurt. - Confronting them Personally Forgiveness is not going to someone and demanding an apology! Even though we might want to go to someone and say, I need to forgive you, so you d better say you re sorry for hurting me the way you did! That s not really about forgiveness it s something, but not forgiveness. Okay, so now we know some things that DON T represent FORGIVENESS. So, what is FORGIVENESS then? Well, the BIBLE has a lot to say about Forgiveness so, let s go to Scripture and start to figure out a BIBLICAL FORMULA for FORGIVING OTHERS I m going to suggest 5 things we need to know in order to FORGIVE OTHERS the way our Bibles tell us to Believe it or not, the BIBLE lays out a PROCESS for us to experience the FREEDOM GOD wants for us through FORGIVING OTHERS. Now, as we go through these things, I don t want it to be some abstract exercise, so here is my challenge: THINK OF SOMEONE that you know you need to forgive and be thinking about that person and that situation as we talk about these steps in the PROCESS of FORGIVENESS. Here we go The Biblical Process for Forgiving Others: I. Remember How Much I ve Been Forgiven The first step in learning to forgive others is to REMEMBER HOW MUCH I ve been forgiven. HOW MUCH HOW MUCH?!?
3 How many of you have, in your lifetime, sinned one or more times? WOW! Okay, how many of you, in 2013, have sinned one or more times? This week? Today? Okay, in your LIFETIME how many of you would say that it s safe to say you have sinned more than 100 times?!? Let s go back to Genesis 3 There was a woman back then named Eve. She and Adam sinned ONE TIME ONCE! Do you know what happened to their relationship with God?!? God cursed them both (child-bearing pain and cultivating the ground) and sent them out of The Garden of Eden. With ONE SIN, they separated themselves from GOD! Relationship severed! I love people who say that they are just going to live by the 10 Commandments and they will be fine did you know that we ve all broken all 10 of The Commandments?!? And you say, But Stan, I ve never killed anybody! Really?!? Jesus said that if you have anger in your heart, it s as if you have murdered that person. Remember JESUS looks at the HEART! Humans look at BEHAVIOR and JESUS looks at the HEART! Stan, I ve never committed adultery! BUT, JESUS said that if you have lust in your heart it s as if you have committed adultery. To Jesus, we ve broken those commandments. Why?!? Because Jesus looks at our hearts Jesus knows our motives and our thoughts and our desires. Let me say something here when it comes to the SIN in our lives and our RELATIONSHIP with GOD you and I, we have NOTHING!! You and I cannot do anything to mend that relationship. Only God can! And, GOD so loved the world (the people) that he GAVE HIS ONLY SON that WHOEVER BELIEVED IN HIM would not DIE but have ETERNAL LIFE! God did it GOD GAVE!! Now, I want us to think about how many times we ve SINNED and FALLEN SHORT of the GLORY OF GOD (GLORY = JESUS!)! (Pause ) Think about all the things that God has forgiven you for If we don t realize how MUCH we ve been forgiven, we will NEVER be able to forgive the people around us! ONLY FORGIVEN PEOPLE FORGIVE PEOPLE!! REMEMBER the Story of the Prodigal Son?!? We have all been Prodigal Sons and Daughters at some point or another and Jesus says to us, COME HOME MY ARMS ARE WIDE OPEN. I VE GOT YOU COVERED WITH MY BLOOD and BODY on the CROSS! COME HOME! I love how this comes out in Isaiah 1:18 = 18 Come now, let s settle this, says the Lord. Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them as white as snow. Though they are red like crimson, I will make them as white as wool. 1 Let s SETTLE THIS Anything you ve got, God WANTS TO HANDLE! God alone can take our sins and turn them back into something good more on that in a little while! Okay, now we are thinking about TWO THINGS: 1) How much WE VE BEEN FORGIVEN and 2) SOMEONE we might need to FORGIVE. Let s put those two together! In Matthew 18, we get a picture of what it looks like to FORGIVE OTHERS and HOW GOD FORGIVES US. Again, this is JESUS telling a story to SHOW PEOPLE what God s FORGIVENESS is like. It s a PARABLE a story with a POINT. Here s what Jesus says Matthew 18:23-27 = 23 Therefore, the Kingdom of Heaven can be compared to a king who decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him. 24 In the process, one of his debtors was brought in who owed him millions of dollars.* (It s been said that it would be the equivalent of about $10 Million today he had borrowed that money sometimes called embezzlement) 25 He couldn t pay, so his 1 Tyndale House Publishers. (2007). Holy Bible: New Living Translation (3rd ed.) (Is 1:18). Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House Publishers.
4 master ordered that he be sold along with his wife, his children, and everything he owned to pay the debt. (That was common practice back then ) 26 But the man fell down before his master and begged him, Please, be patient with me, and I will pay it all. 27 Then his master was filled with pity for him, and he released him and forgave his debt. 2 Please note that the Master did not say that he had to pay him back he just let him off the hook, scott free! Just BECAUSE HE ASKED, the MASTER FORGAVE HIM ALL THAT HE OWED Even though the man had Stolen from THE MASTER! Awesome! BUT, there s more to the story Jesus goes on Matthew 18:28-30 = 28 But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars.* (about 100 days of wages way less than what this man owed The Master) He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment. 29 His fellow servant fell down before him and begged for a little more time. Be patient with me, and I will pay it, he pleaded. 30 But his creditor wouldn t wait. He had the man arrested and put in prison until the debt could be paid in full. 3 Hmmm That man did not respond the same way HIS MASTER DID, did he?!? Guess what? There s more to the story! Jesus continues Matthew 18:31-34 = 31 When some of the other servants saw this, they were very upset. They went to the king and told him everything that had happened. 32 Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. 33 Shouldn t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you? 34 Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt. 4 We all like JUSTICE, don t we do we agree that the King/Master did the right thing?!? How dare that man not forgive a little when His KING/MASTER FORGAVE HIM SO MUCH, RIGHT?!? Let s finish this Matthew 18:35 = 35 That s what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters* from your heart. 5 I just want you to notice that word showed up again HEART! Remember, Jesus looks at our HEARTS and you cannot Head-Fake JESUS Jesus knows what s actually happening in your inner being! Do you have somebody in mind that you need to forgive? I bet you do. I bet from the very moment we started this message today you thought of someone. You had a picture in your mind. You began to play the tape of how they had hurt you. Perhaps it was someone who had committed an infidelity toward you. Perhaps it was a lover or a spouse that has hurt you. Perhaps it was a parent who abused you or molested you. Perhaps it was a friend who betrayed you or perhaps it was someone at work who unjustly criticized you. You see, what we are talking about is very personal. How do you forgive others? Even though it may be a bit painful, as we continue to walk through this process, I want you to personalize it. I want you to think of someone that you need to forgive and think about how you can apply this process to that situation. Well, the first step is to remember how much I have been forgiven. Here s the key to this whole process It s actually step number two. II. Release the Person Completely Step #2 in the process of Biblical Forgiveness is to Release the Person Completely! What does it mean to RELEASE SOMEONE? It means to SET THEM FREE. Release them from your PRISON of GRUDGE! The person who you are thinking about in your mind, release them 2 Tyndale House Publishers. (2007). Holy Bible: New Living Translation (3rd ed.) (Mt 18:23 27). Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House Publishers. 3 Tyndale House Publishers. (2007). Holy Bible: New Living Translation (3rd ed.) (Mt 18:28 30). Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House Publishers. 4 Tyndale House Publishers. (2007). Holy Bible: New Living Translation (3rd ed.) (Mt 18:31 34). Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House Publishers. 5 Tyndale House Publishers. (2007). Holy Bible: New Living Translation (3rd ed.) (Mt 18:35). Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House Publishers.
5 entirely. It means to no longer hold on to the bitterness or the resentment. It means to stop playing the tapes of the incident where they harmed you over in your mind. It means to fully let it go To drop the grudge. To release a person means you don t have to confront them, repair or even reconcile, because releasing is all about your decision. You don t even have to be in a conversation with the other person to release them. You can choose to release them. Forgiveness is always a choice. Forgiveness is not an emotion, it is a choice. In this step of the process, you make the choice to forgive them. It s like LOVE FORGIVENESS is a VERB! When you make that choice, tremendous freedom is yours. You see, a lot of you, instead of releasing a person, you are holding a grudge toward a person. Got any grudges in your life? I read this week that holding a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will get sick. Have you ever done that? Ever held a grudge? Are you ready to release that person? Do you want to walk out of here today free and experiencing the joy that God wants to give you when you forgive others? Many of us probably understand this intellectually. It s in our heads The idea that you should release others. But I wonder if you have ever done that emotionally. Have you ever worked this process of releasing a person emotionally? That can be difficult. But let me give you a couple of practical ways that you can release a person entirely. One way to intentionally release the person you hold a grudge against is to write them a letter. Tell them about the time that they hurt you and how it made you feel. Tell them in that letter what you dreamed of saying to them in response to their actions. Tell them what you would like to say, but end the letter by RELEASING THEM! In other words, once you get all of your FEELINGS OUT, it s time to make it a VERB and a CHOICE BUT, I choose to release you and the memory of what you ve done to me I forgive you. THEN, put that letter in a drawer or BURN IT and LET IT GO! FORGIVENESS IS A CHOICE we will seldom ever FEEL LIKE FORGIVING! Another way of working through that is to have a conversation with them (make believe). Set up a chair and sit and talk to the imaginary them (sounds weird, but it works for many people!). Tell them the same things we said in the letter. You did this. I felt this. I want to say this. I RELEASE YOU and FORGIVE YOU! They never even have to know do you know why?!? JESUS LOOKS AT OUR HEARTS. BTW When you RELEASE a PERSON TOTALLY, it means TWO THINGS: 1. You Give Up Your Right to REPAYMENT. In other words, like the King in Jesus Parable, you erase their DEBT. In your heart, they no longer owe you anything it is completely forgiven! 2. You Give Up Your Right to REVENGE. Even though that s what feels natural You got me and I m going to get you in return! Our Scripture tells us that REVENGE is not our job! In Romans 12:17-19 = 17 Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. 18 Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone. 19 Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, I will take revenge; I will pay them back, * says the LORD. 6 We all naturally want to take REVENGE when someone hurts us. BUT, when we are following Jesus, we respond like Jesus. Remember what he said as he hung on a cross for crimes that he did not commit? He said, Father, FORGIVE THEM they don t know what they are doing. 6 Tyndale House Publishers. (2007). Holy Bible: New Living Translation (3rd ed.) (Ro 12:17 19). Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House Publishers.
6 When it comes to this issue of release, you will either release them once and be done with it for the rest of your life, or you will rehearse the episode of pain for all of your life, because that s what it s down to. Either RELEASE or REHEARSE and you have the choice. Forgiveness is always a CHOICE. Once you ve CHOSEN to RELEASE that person, you are ready to think about Stage #3 in the process III. Recognize God s Purpose in the Process We need to recognize that God might have a PURPOSE in the PROCESS. Please understand that these Steps in the FORGIVENESS PROCESS are IN ORDER. If we cannot recognize that God wants to forgive us, we will have a hard time forgiving and releasing other people. If we do not go through the HARD PROCESS of RELEASING OTHERS, then we will never recognize that GOD MIGHT BE UP TO SOMETHING! If you are holding a GRUDGE, that separates you and I from God and God cannot speak to us we cannot hear God. If God is going to reveal a PURPOSE, we have to be GRUDGE-FREE! You all understand that God has a way of taking lemons and making lemonade, right?!? God can take things that look pretty bad and turn them into something really good Take JOSEPH for example. Remember Joseph and his Coat of Many Colors?!? Great story. Genesis 37-50 write that down and read the story this week. We did a series on Joseph a couple of years ago. Anyway, he had it kind of rough. His older brothers sold him out of Canaan and he ended up in Egypt as a servant for a guy named Potiphar, who was the captain of the palace guard. Joseph worked hard, but got framed by Potiphar s wife. Joseph ended up in prison for a while. While in prison he interprets some dreams and helps out at least one guy and then he stays in prison for a while So far, Joseph has been sold by his brothers, bought as a slave, framed for something he didn t do and spent a lot of time in prison. Do you think JOSEPH had a few people HE NEEDED to FORGIVE?!? You know what we find out in the story of JOSEPH he wasn t holding grudges against people in his PAST! He was seeking God in his FUTURE! And GOD S PURPOSE = Become ruler of Egypt so that Joseph could be in position to save his FAMILY and many in Egypt and Canaan! You ve got to read it! When you and I release another person, we can then recognize God s purpose and He will take something bad and turn it into good. Joseph recognized that. Look, I know some of you here have gone through some really tough stuff. I am constantly amazed to hear of some of the situations that people in our church have gone through. And people have harmed you. I don t know what purpose God will bring out of that situation, but I know if we follow this Biblical process that God will bring about good, God will turn into good something that someone else meant for evil. I know this God can birth purpose out of pain. God can bring ministry out of misery. God can bring healing out of hurts and that s the miracle of the Biblical process of forgiveness. Releasing the person and then saying God, what is Your purpose in this and then let God bring about the good. So, the first THREE STEPS in this PROCESS are MANDATORY. We have to Remember God s Forgiveness, Release the Person and Recognize that God might have a Purpose for our situation. IV. Re-Establish the Relationship (as much as possible)
7 The 4 th Step is CONDITIONAL NOT MANDATORY! It s to Re-Establish the Relationship. BUT, Notice that it says as much as possible. There is a reason for that it s Biblical. Please know that Biblically speaking, we are required to OFFER FORGIVENESS, but we are NOT required Biblically to RECONCILE. Forgiveness and Reconciliation are two separate things. There are times when you should not reconcile. There are times when you should not reestablish the relationship. For example, don t reestablish the relationship if it is going to lead to additional personal harm. Say you were harmed by this person once, you try to go and reestablish a relationship; you get harmed again. Don t do that. Don t reestablish the relationship if there less than 25% chance of restoration. You say that s kind of vague. 25%. That s the freedom that God gives you. He gives you the choice to decide. He never says you have to reestablish the relationship. You get to use your own wisdom to decide. Don t reestablish the relationship if the other person is unaware that they have harmed you. How many times has that happened in your life? It s happened in my life. Somebody comes along and hurts me and they walk away totally unaware. They don t even know that they have harmed me. I would actually cause more pain to them if I went and reestablished the relationship. So it s more of a personal issue for me. Finally, don t reestablish the relationship if you expect an apology. We go to reestablish a relationship with someone who has harmed us and we have this tape in our mind of how we think it s going to play out. We are all going to hug and the person is going to fall on their knees and say I m sorry. Please forgive me. That only happens in movies. They have scripts. Not so much in real life. So if you think you are going to get an apology, don t even try. But if you can, if it is possible, God is so interested in relationships that, if reconciliation can happen, then do it. But you see, whether you can reestablish the relationship or not, you must release them, and you must look for God s purpose in that. Then the Bible says if you can t reestablish the relationship, what you can do is you can begin to act toward that person in good ways. Let me explain. Romans 12:21 = 21 Don t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good. 7 This means that even if we cannot reestablish the relationship, you can still be kind. You don t have to hang out with that person that s hurt you, but you also don t have to be mean to them to their face or behind their backs. Please hear me: it s okay not to be back in a close relationship with that person remember the test of the GOOD HEART. Do they have a good heart and maybe hurt you unintentionally? Then, maybe restore the relationship. If they intentionally came after you and you are 75% sure they would do it again Don t feel guilty about not restoring that relationship! I think we find two pretty interesting things in Romans 12:18 = 18 Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone. 8 First, do all that YOU can. What does that mean? It means it s up to you to decide. You do your part. You can t force the other person to release you, but you can do your part by releasing them. You can t force the other person to discover God s purpose, but you can do your part in discovering God s purpose. Do your part. The New International Version of the Bible puts it this way Romans 12:18 = 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 9 It says, as much as possible. If possible If it s not possible, skip this step and move on to number five. 7 Tyndale House Publishers. (2007). Holy Bible: New Living Translation (3rd ed.) (Ro 12:21). Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House Publishers. 8 Tyndale House Publishers. (2007). Holy Bible: New Living Translation (3rd ed.) (Ro 12:17 18). Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House Publishers. 9 The New International Version. 2011 (Ro 12:18). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.
8 V. Repeat the Process The final step in the Process is to REPEAT AS NEEDED! Remember the shampoo bottle directions? Lather, Rinse, Repeat. Or the great joke Pete and Repeat are sitting on a fence. Pete falls off. Who s left? (Repeat!) That story that Jesus told of the man who was in debt to the King came about because Peter asked a question Matthew 18:21-22 = 21 Then Peter came to him and asked, Lord, how often should I forgive someone* who sins against me? Seven times? 22 No, not seven times, Jesus replied, but seventy times seven!* 10 Does that mean 490 times and at 491 you can cut somebody off? NO! It means that God is willing to forgive us again and again and we need to be willing to forgive other people that same way! Again, the measure of us as human beings, according to Scripture/Jesus is not perfection, but how we respond to imperfection (people). Maybe you need to pray this prayer today fill in the blanks on your paper take it home and do it if you have to; BUT, Forgiveness is part of following JESUS! Next Week: So how does this FORGIVENESS effect MY ETERNITY?!? Let s Pray Lord, today, I forgive for. Help me to forgive others as much as you have forgiven me. Amen. Next Steps: Memorize Ephesians 4:32 Read Matthew 18-19 Please pray for me this week as I seek to forgive Start a Bible Reading Program off of www.bmzchurch.org Give My Life to Jesus Christ for the First Time Truth without Grace is Fundamentalism (Brutality). Grace without Truth is Sentimentalism (Hypocrisy). Special thanks to Andy Stanley, Nelson Searcy, R.A. Pegram, Mike Slaughter and Perry Noble for outlines and ideas for this worship series. 10 Tyndale House Publishers. (2007). Holy Bible: New Living Translation (3rd ed.) (Mt 18:21 22). Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House Publishers.