THE WHAT, WHY & HOW OF FORGIVENESS When We Need to Forgive Ourselves & Others By Haidee Lease
THE HOW of FORGIVENESS WHAT is forgiveness and what isn t it? WHAT FORGIVENESS IS WHAT FORGIVENESS IS NOT Forgiveness DOESN T mean we condone or forget what has happened to us Forgiveness does NOT mean absolving the offender of responsibility Forgiveness DOESN T mean you have to speak, relate or even reconcile with the person who betrayed you Forgiveness is NOT about the person who wronged you it is about you and moving you forward Forgiveness is NOT sentimental or quick Forgiveness is NOT simply smiling and stating I forgive and moving on Forgiveness is about you, your pain and you releasing the hold the pain has on you Forgiveness is a deeply personal process of the heart that can take a very long time Forgiveness stands up for injustice and betrayal and says no more by releasing the hold and pain that someone's actions have on you Forgiveness is about honouring the betrayal of yourself and others, the grief, the anger, the hurt, the fear and then releasing its hold on you so you don t have to carry its weight anymore Forgiveness involves a shift where we are no longer oriented towards anger, punishment or the urge to seek revenge Over time (and it many take a long time) it involves a shift in sentiment and heart towards the perpetrator and an increase in understanding that the person who hurt you may have hurt you out of their own suffering or misguided intentions.
THE WHY of FORGIVENESS Why is forgiveness essential not for the person you are forgiving but for your own progression forward out of the pain and distress Quote: - Have you forgiven your captors yet? - No! - Well they still have you in prison and hold all the power over you then Choosing to forgive is not about saying what s happened is ok, it is about taking power away from the action and person who has hurt us and releasing it so that it no longer impacts and controls our minds and actions. It is a way to release the pain that arises from the memory of these incidents but forgiveness is often a long and difficult process. You cannot just say it and move on. It is the deep work that is done at a heart level, that purifies and releases and permits us to love and be free. Personal betrayal and harm take a huge toll on our psychological and physical wellbeing, WE HAVE 2 CHOICES: CHOICE 1: Ruminate and dwell on injustice and vengeance and hold on to grudges. This ensures the person who betrayed and their actions will continually have power and control over you CHOICE 2: Forgive. This does not mean forgetting or condoning what happen or reconciling with the person. It means changing your attitude toward this original hurt so that it doesn t continue to wound you. Forgiving others who have caused you harm reduces personal distress, fosters happiness and reduces physical stress and illness.
THE HOW of FORGIVENESS Forgiveness Practice Step 1: Consider the person or people who have caused you deep pain and on a scale of 1-10 how rate how much pain you have regarding what this person did to you. Step 2: Consider and reflect on the emotional, psychological and physical harm that the actions of this person has caused you. Write down how this has impacted you life, how your trust in others and views in life may have been altered. Write down what negative emotions arise. Don t try and curb them, just allow them to be there and write them down. Step 3: As you feel these deep negative emotions arise, notice how they have a deep hold on your life and how they consume you and take over mind and body. Notice the power that comes from anger, hatred and the need for revenge and how this power keeps the perpetrators hold on you. Consider the notion that if we can let go of the anger and need for revenge we will also let go of the power that the perpetrator and their actions has on us. Remember this does not mean forgetting or condoning or absolving responsibility, it simply means letting go of the hold they have on you by giving up the anger and need for revenge.
THE HOW of FORGIVENESS - continued Forgiveness Practice Step 4: When you are ready make the decision to let go of the pain, anger and need for revenge and you see that this is letting go of the control the perpetrator has on you, you know you are ready to attempt forgiveness. Remember forgiveness does not been reconciliation you may chose never to talk to, see or reconcile with this person again but you can forgive them and thereby release their hold on you. When we chose forgiveness we are doing it for ourselves, not the other person. The act of forgiveness is about trying to reduce resentment towards the person who has betrayed us or caused us harm by replacing this with understanding and compassion for where this person has come from themselves. Remember this doesn t mean condoning actions, it just means understanding perhaps where they have come from or their lack of knowledge etc. Step 5: Questions to ask about the person who has hurt you remember this is not excusing the behaviour it is trying to understand it! - What has happened in their life to make them do what they did? - Did they do what they did because they knew no different or they were not capable of knowing better? - Is this what has been taught to them, or has been done to them? - Was the person going through something traumatic or stressful themselves when they did this? - Was this person misguided by others influences at the time? - How have they been emotionally wounded in the past have they displaced that pain onto me unknowingly?
THE HOW of FORGIVENESS - continued Forgiveness Practice Step 6: As you ask these questions, just note any movement in your emotional state. Are you feeling any softening of emotional reaction towards the person, the slightest bit of compassion or understanding on their behalf. This can be extremely scary to start with as we may feel we are betraying ourselves. But remember this is all about you and releasing the pain so the person no longer has hold on or over you. You may still feel overriding anger and resentment and that is fine, or you may go between the two. This is very normal in the process and just means you need to sit at this step a little longer. Remember this process can take days, weeks, months or many many years, there no right or wrong when it comes to forgiveness. Step 7: Continue to ask more questions like that in Step 5, to deeper your understanding of the persons behaviour. As you come to a deeper and deeper understanding notice the softening and release of your own emotional state. Resist the urge to want to grab back hold of the anger again that is very normal because you have held on to it for so long, but let it go, it is not doing yourself any favours by holding on to it. Just sit and feel the freedom that comes with the release of the pain. Feel the lightness in the body as its weight has been lifted and released. Notice the swell of positive emotional energy that rises to fill the place that the anger and resentment has vacated. Relish and enjoy and know you have not done this for the person, you have done it for you and to release their power and hold on you!