Follow-up from Last Week How do we integrate the concepts of focusing on changing yourself and not your partner, taking risks to move into the growth cycle, unsolvable problems and unresolved problems? First Principle: All discussions and attempts to improve things in marriage need to come from a perspective of personal responsibility for change: This thing is bothering me, I want to talk about it and figure out what I can do better. Second Principle: The first principle does not mean we cannot express frustration at what our partner might be doing that is difficult for us to deal with (remember the mirror of relationships). Just express your frustrations as a complaint not a criticism.
Follow-up from Last Week Third Principle: Distinguish between an unresolved problem and an unsolvable problem? Unresolved problems do have a solution, we are just not taking a risk to talk about them. These problems are very difficult but through the pain of growth and effort can be improved. Unsolvable problems are when we are grating up against core personality differences or dreams/ambitions that are not really solvable, they are just differences. Even though they cannot be solved, you can learn to live with them better by not getting into destructive conflict about them. Growth can occur here also by learning to be accepting, humble, tolerant, loving, kind, etc.
Charting a Path to Sexual Wholeness in Marriage Dean M. Busby, Ph.D. Jason S. Carroll, Ph.D. Chelom Leavitt. JD, M.S.
Unsolvable or Unresolved Problems and Opportunities for Growth? Natural differences create the challenges couples face that will make or break their marriages While the differences are sometimes unsolvable, they give each partner a chance to grow. The way we view natural difference can be changed from attitudes of frustration and despair to sacrifice and commitment. I cannot move this mountain, but I can learn to climb it and even love it and grow stronger in the process. No area provides more natural differences, and therefore more opportunities for growth and enjoyment, than the sexual area.
Differences Differences in interest are common Differences in time to climax. Differences in what types of activities lead to orgasm. For some people interest in sex precedes arousal, for others arousal must occur to create interest. For some people sex is the culmination of emotional closeness, for others it is the beginning of emotional closeness. Individuals have dramatically different comfort levels with talking about sex Related to openness in the family of origin Natural avoidant or volatile tendencies Guilt and Shame created by actions and/or poor guidance When the sexual area is functioning well, often the rest of the relationship improves. The converse is true also. Sex, along with its natural result-children, are the most unique things about a marriage relationship.
Foundations of Sexual Wholeness Sexual Division Negative attitudes about sexuality Lack knowledge and understanding Unable to talk openly and authentically about sexual area of the relationship Neglect-often the last thing on the list for the week Sexual Unity Positive attitudes about sexuality Understanding of sexual functioning of both self & spouse Able to talk openly and be authentic in their sexual relationship High Priority
Dimensions of Sexual Nature Physical Dimension Satisfaction Pleasure Health Sexual Wholeness Emotional Dimension Love Attachment Unity Spiritual Dimension Meaning Purpose Progression
Attitudes that Get In Our Way Desire and Interest in Sex is the Natural Man. Spiritual People Transcend Sex Do we have to talk about that stuff at church? Association of Sex with Guilt/Shame Sex is a Male thing: Good Girl Syndrome/Bad Boy Syndrome
Sexual Unity in Marriage The Bible celebrates sex and its proper use, presenting it as God-created, God-ordained, and God-blessed. It makes plain that God himself implanted the physical magnetism between the sexes for two reasons: for the propagation of the human race, and for the expression of that kind of love between man and wife that makes for true oneness. His commandment to the first man and woman to be one flesh was as important as his command to be fruitful and multiple. - Pres. Spencer W. Kimball
The Doctrine of the Soul Elder Jeffry R. Holland taught: One of the plain and precious truths of this dispensation is that the spirit and the body are the soul of man (D&C 88:15) and that when the spirit and body are separated, men and women cannot receive a fullness of joy (D&C 93:34).
Body-Only Fragmentation The External Threat Sexual Attitudes Recreational Ethic sexually liberal Relational Ethic sexually moderate Marital Ethic sexually traditional * From 1943 to 1999 approval of premarital sex increased from 12% to 73% among young women and from 40% to 79% among young men. Sexual Timing 50% of couples = sexually active 1 st month (Early Sex) 25% of couples = initiate sex 1 to 3 months (Later Sex) Less than 10% = abstain until marriage (Married Sex)
Sexual Chemistry or Sexual Restraint? Busby, Carroll, & Willoughby (2010) Journal of Family Psychology Table 3 Means and Standard Deviations (in parentheses) for Females and Males in the Three Sexual Timing Groups on Communication, Sexual Quality, Relationship Satisfaction and Relationship Stability. 1. Early Sex 2. Later Sex 3. Married Sex Females Males Females Males Females Males Dependent Variable (N=413) (N=333) (N=524) (N=371) (N=179) (N=150) Communication 3.3(.57) 3.3(.54) 3.5 a (.58) 3.5 a (.54) 3.7 a (.64) 3.8 a (.55) Sexual Quality 3.5(1.1) 3.4(1.1) 3.5 (1.1) 3.5 (1.0) 4.0 a (.99) 3.9 a (.99) Satisfaction 3.0*(1.1) 3.2(.95) 3.2 a (1.0) 3.3 a (.94) 3.6 a* (1.1) 3.8 a (.96) Stability 3.6(.97) 3.7(.90) 3.8 a* (.91) 4.0 a (.83) 4.3 a (.81) 4.4 a (.62) a significantly different than all other sexual timing groups of the same gender *significantly different than the males in the same group Married couples who abstain from sex before marriage have the highest levels of effective communication, marital satisfaction, and the lowest levels of considering divorce they even have the highest levels of sexual quality.
External Threats from Last Week Exhibitionism Voyeurism
Spirit-Only Fragmentation The Internal Threat Metaphors of Sexual Purity Undesirable Food Wilted Flower Broken Plate Fear-Based Metaphors Negative portrayal of sexual intimacy Discourage dialogue Precept vs. Principle Cookies on Fast Sunday Chocolate Candy Trade-in Abstinence-Based Metaphors Added emphasis on context Correct, but incomplete Behavioral / Individual Marriage Finish Line
What should we do? Foster Positive Attitudes True Doctrine Understood Chastity = Proper Expression vs. Abstinence Benefits of Sexual Restraint Deepen Knowledge and Understanding Sexual Response: Brain and Body Consequences of Improper Sexuality Increase Openness and Communication There is no Birds & Bees talk. Instead talk about sexual development as often as you see a bird and bee. Tone and Content Developmentally Appropriate Shared Journey rather than Private Path
Other Attitudes that Interfere My spouse should want sex as much as I do? Or my spouse should be like me. If my spouse loved me he/she would know what I need in the sexual area. My spouse doesn t love me, he only loves my body or- Sex can only happen when everything else in the relationship is perfect. Hormonal/Physical Prime=Sexual Prime
Behaviors that Get in Our Way Not doing anything- Depending on your age, healthy couples typically have sex weekly. Doing the same thing, in the same place, at the same time. Not openly sharing sexual preferences and desires with each other like you would any other preferences in your life.
Resurrecting Eroticism First- Determine What Has Killed or Dampened Sexual Interest or Involvement Attitudes Poor Relationship Effort in Other Areas Leeches Life Boredom: Because you aren t being authentic or because you are just being lazy Hormones/Other Physical Changes This is supposed to be the fun part of marriage
Resurrecting Eroticism Second-Truly Decide that Your Marriage is Your First Priority. Sex is usually the first thing to go, it is the Barometer of whether your marriage is first in your life. Healthy, fun, creative sex should be as important as FHE, children, prayer, and scripture study. Become One or Ye are Not Mine Cleave Unto Your Spouse and Unto None or Nothing Else Vary the Environment, the Clothing, the Timing, the Activities on Occasion Take a risk, be more authentic in what you want and need and hope for in this area, focusing on your preferences and not on how your partner is deficient. When deciding how to be more creative and authentic LDS couples typically struggle with answering the question-where are the boundaries?
What is the Doctrine? How do we know what is right or wrong in the area of sexuality in marriage, or any other area for that matter? With divine inspiration, the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles counsel together to establish doctrine that is consistently proclaimed in official church publications. LDS.org-Newsroom, 2007.
What is the Doctrine? At the same time it should be remembered that not every statement made by a Church leader, past or present, necessarily constitutes doctrine. It is commonly understood in the Church that a statement made by one leader on a single occasion often represents a personal, though well-considered, opinion, not meant to be official or binding for the whole Church. The Prophet Joseph Smith taught that a prophet [is] a prophet only when he [is] acting as such. 5 To this point runs a simple story my father told me as a boy, I do not know on what authority, but it illustrates the point. His story was that during the excitement incident to the coming of [Johnston s] Army, Brother Brigham preached to the people in a morning meeting a sermon vibrant with defiance to the approaching army, and declaring an intention to oppose and drive them back. In the afternoon meeting he arose and said that Brigham Young had been talking in the morning, but the Lord was going to talk now. He then delivered an address, the tempo of which was the opposite from the morning talk. (Elder D. Todd Christofferson, April 2012 General Conference )
What is the Doctrine about Sexual Behaviors in Marriage? In terms of sexual behaviors in marriage, there are only three principles that have consistently been taught in official church publications: 1. Adultery & Pornography are sinful. 2. Beyond that, what goes on in the bedroom of a married couple is under their personal line of authority. 3. This does not mean anything goes in the bedroom.
What is the Doctrine about Decision-Making in Marriage? Equal Partnership is the pattern for how husbands and wives should make decisions and resolve differences. Do Latter-day Saints believe that the husband/father is the leader and ultimate decision maker in the family?
n Equal Partners: Equality, Not Hierarchy n fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners (Proc. 7). "In the marriage companionship there is neither inferiority nor superiority. The woman does not walk ahead of the man; neither does the man walk ahead of the woman. They walk side by side as a son and daughter of God on an eternal journey." Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley
God Remember :The Divine Triangle! Self Spouse If our marital foundation is in place, God s authority governs the home. We, as husband and wife, are seeking to know His will for our family life!
n Now a word to you sisters who are married. In a very substantial way, you sisters make our homes a refuge of peace and happiness in a troubled world. A righteous husband is the bearer of the priesthood, which priesthood is the governing authority of the home. But he is not the priesthood; he is the holder of the priesthood. His wife shares the blessings of the priesthood with him. He is not elevated in any way above the divine status of his wife. Pres. James E. Faust, Gen. Relief Society Meeting, 2002
n When there is a family decision to be made that affects everyone, you and your wife together will seek whatever counsel you might need, and together you will prayerfully come to a unified decision. If you ever pull priesthood rank on her you will have failed. President Boyd K. Packer (Quoted in Hawkins et al., p. 65) President Spencer W. Kimball said this: "When we speak of marriage as a partnership, let us speak of marriage as a full partnership. We do not want our LDS women to be silent partners or limited partners in that eternal assignment! Please be a contributing and full partner" Quoted by Elder Oaks General Conference, October 2005
What is the Doctrine about Sexual Behaviors in Marriage? If the doctrine is not that anything a couple or partner wants to do sexually is permissible, how can a couple know they are doing something that is not acceptable?
Four Guiding Principles 1. Marital Unity 2. Couple Consensus 3. Positive Attitudes Neophilia, Neophobia Healthy Inhibitions, Unhealthy Inhibitions 4. Sexual Potential
Most Important Principle Practice the 5 T s Take The Time To Touch Everyday!