THE FRUITS OF THE SPIRIT Forgiveness Mini Guide Joy is the end result of the Spiritual Disciplines functioning in our lives. -Richard J. Foster Forgiveness Reverence Gratitude Humor Desire Faith Joy heatherc@heathercarlile.com www.heathercarlile.com 1701 N. Collins Blvd., Ste. 126, Richardson, TX 75080 214-636-5889
Stage 1. Acknowledgement: Uncovering the Injury Forgiveness is a pathway to mend a fractured relationship and build trust and hope. -Rotter 2001. Letting go: Forgiveness in Counseling. Family Journal. Narrative of Slights, Hurts, Grievances or Betrayals INSTRUCTIONS: From time-to-time, in our relationships with others, something happens which is especially unpleasant and hurtful. For example, a friend, co-worker, boss, neighbor, or family member may make a hurtful mistake, may lie to you, criticize you unfairly, betray you, speak in anger or yell, or a romantic partner may jilt you or show undue attention toward someone else or betray you in some other manner. Such unpleasantness may be the result of non-action such as is the case when a friend or loved-one fails to give attention, be accountable or express affection. If you are ready to heal or resolve a grievance, concentrate on that person or event. REMEMBER TO FORGIVE YOURSELF: And sometimes, even more importantly, you may also be ready to forgive yourself for some kind of mistake. DESCRIBE THE EVENT OR INJURY: In the space provided below (use more space if you need it be very thorough), describe an important event in your life when someone important to you (i.e. someone with whom you had an important relationship) did or said something that betrayed you or hurt your feelings deeply. Acknowledging My Injury My Narrative of Slights, Hurts, Grievances or Betrayals 1) RELATIONSHIP: your relationship with the person, situation or organization. 2) THE INJURY: what they did that caused hurt, disrespect, harm, betrayal, violation, damage, cheating, wounding, destruction, etc. 2
3) YOUR INTERPRETATION: why, in your opinion, they did this to you. 4) EMOTIONS: how it made you feel about what (see following page for a feeling vocabulary). 5) WHAT CHANGED: how what they did changed your relationship or life, if at all. 6) YOUR RESPONSE: how you punish, control, please, play passive, bully, whine, get defensive, judge, get revenge, etc. 7) YOURSELF: your responsibility and how you need to forgive yourself and for what. 3
Stage 2. Desire & Decision: Ready to Forgive Forgiveness Assessment Resisting the act of forgiving until the offender somehow changes is giving great power to the offender. -Enright, 1996. Instructions: Now, keeping in mind the person who did this to you and their actions, please answer the following items using the scale provided by writing in the appropriate number. For these items, the person in question is the person you wrote about, the event, sequence of events, or it refers to what he/she did to you. 5 = Strongly Agree 4 = Agree 3 = Undecided 2 = Disagree 1 = Strongly Disagree 1. Just thinking about what happened makes me fume. If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we would find sorrow and suffering enough to dispel all hostility. -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1857) 2. My relationship with the person in question has changed for the worse. 3. I can never trust the person in question again. 4. Sometimes I find myself thinking about this for no apparent reason. 5. I don t think I can ever fully forgive the person in question. 6. When I think about it, I still feel vulnerable. 7. The person in question is as important to me as ever.* 8. Even though it hurt me, I think I can relate to what he/she did.* 9. I will never forget what happened as long as I live. 10. I hate the person in question. 11. I have respect for the person in question. * 12. I understand why the person in question did what he/she did. * 13. I still have an emotional reaction when I think about it. 14. I have revenge fantasies about the person in question. 15. When I think about what the person did to me, I no longer feel hurt. * 4
16. I would not want it to happen again, but I have forgiven the person in question. * 17. My relationship with the person in question has changed for the better. * 18. Sometimes I find myself brooding about it. 19. I still hold a grudge against the person in question. 20. Given what happened, I am very suspicious of the person in question. 21. I do not resent the person in question. * 22. I would trust the person in question again. * 23. I have been able to put this event into perspective. * 24. I don t know if I will ever get over it. 25. I will never forgive the person in question for what happened. 26. I don t see how my relationship with the person in question can ever be restored. 27. I am bitter about what happened. 28. I genuinely feel that I have managed to get past the event. * 29. There are no hard feelings between myself and the person in question. * 30. I rarely think about this event. * 31. From now on, I will be on my guard with this person. 32. The person in question will never get a second chance with me. 33. If I forgive the person for what happened, it will just invite them to do it again. 34. I do not trust the person in question. 35. I like and respect the person in question as much as ever. * 36. Even though it bothered me at the time, I am at peace with what happened and the person in question. * 37. I had forgotten all about the event until filling out this questionnaire. * 38. I still have some difficulty dealing with the person in question. 39. The only sensible thing to do when something like this happens is to talk it out with the other person and get on with life. * 5
40. Although I did not like it, I can accept what happened. * 41. I will always expect the worst from the person in question. 42. I avoid the person in question as much as I can. 43. Sometimes I complain to others about what the person in question did to me. 45. It is obvious to the person in question that I am still upset about what happened. * The higher your score on these questions, the greater your readiness to forgive: 7, 8, 11, 12, 15, 16, 17, 21, 22, 23, 28, 29, 30, 35, 36, 37, 39, and 40. Maximum Score: 18 questions X 5 = 90 The lower your score on the remainder of the questions, the greater your readiness to forgive. Minimum Score: 26 questions X 1 = 26 Drinnon, J.R. (2000). Assessing forgiveness: Development and Validation of the Act of Forgiveness Scale. Unpublished Doctoral Dissertation. My Readiness to Forgive I am ready to stop suppressing my frustration, to stop expressing my anger and to release the injury. I release my thoughts of revenge and punishment. I am willing to let go of any grudges I have held. I accept and cry away the pain that I suffered. I am not ready to stop suppressing my frustration, nor to stop expressing my anger and cannot yet release the injury. In order to be ready to forgive, I need this to happen: 6
Stage 3. Inner and Outer Action: Offering Forgiveness Research shows forgiveness lessens depression, diminishes anxiety, increases hope, improves selfesteem, decreases obsessional thinking, improves marital and family relationships. -Enright and Fitzgibbons. On forgiving, receiving forgiveness, and self-forgiveness. Contemplation for Deeper Understanding When you (list the offense and give examples of it) It made me feel (see the list of emotions on following page) And I understood it to mean Asking for Guidance Dear God, I ask to know the truth in this situation. I pray for your help and guidance that I might heal this situation. I am open and willing to consider new ways of understanding this injurer and this relationship. Dear God, 7
Readiness to Offer a Pardon or Goodwill Forgiveness isn t a feeling. It s a decision. You decide that you re going to start tomorrow with a clean slate. Even if it isn t easy, you make the determination that the alternative is even harder, and that you are going to do what you must to begin creating a more positive future. -Michelle Weiner-Davis 1. I am willing to pardon you,, for what you did to me. 2. I am willing to pardon you,, for what you did NOT do to me! 3. I choose to take responsibility for all MY feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and judgments. I will no longer blame anyone else for these: 4. What you did was wrong and hurtful to me and our relationship. This is not how I choose to behave in my life. In the future, what I plan to do differently, is (specific behaviors): 5. Which will show you and/or myself that 6. I wish to forgive you for (list offense again) 7. I am now able to offer merciful restraint of myself to you. 8. I can be generous with. 9. Even though I must reserve some trust for my own safety, I can offer you my moral love. 10. Even though you may not be able to reconcile with me, I extend my goodwill to you. 8
Stage 4. Surrender and Release: Letting Go Grieving My Loss and My Pain Forgiveness is not always easy and not even always right. But it provides us with a way to restore and renew the love that nourishes us. -Robert Karen I accept only the guilt or shame that is my responsibility and I forgive myself for feeling: 1. I can let go of fear, resentment, hopelessness, jealousy, hate and revenge because: 2. I refuse to be afraid of. 3. I stop any hateful feelings or images of resentment, anger and revenge toward. 4. I let go of sadness, humiliation, abandonment, betrayal and hurt. 5. I release the hurt of. 6. I no longer allow myself to experience injury from. 7. I let go of all feelings of shame and guilt. 8. I accept myself just as I am, and I don t feel ashamed of 9. I know I did the best I could so I release any guilty feelings about. 10. I surrender my hurt and a need to control and I seek the way of honor. 9
Stage 5. Understanding and Acceptance: Looking Ahead I define forgiving as letting someone back into your heart. This returns us to a loving state and not merely within the relationship. We feel good about ourselves and the world. -Robert Karen My Empathy and Compassion 1. I open my hardened heart and become sensitive with empathy and compassion. 2. I seek to understand the dynamics that led to our problem. I see that: 3. I see a spiritual lesson in this situation and relationship: 4. I can feel empathy for you accepting that I cannot know your ordeals and your trials. 5. I let go of blaming, criticizing, cynical, patronizing and judging thoughts. 6. I no longer blame. 7. I accept the humanness and stop judging. 8. Let go of criticism. 9. I stop my sharp thoughts and words about. 10. I let go of wanting to be right. 11. I relax and allow all concerned, including me, to be unique. 12. Let go of wanting to control. 13. I know I can t and shouldn t try to determine 14. I let go of wanting approval. 15. I don t need approval from. 16. I freely offer my compassion. Apology is a lovely perfume; it can transform the clumsiest moment into a gracious gift. -Margaret Lee Runbeck 10
Resources www.forgiveness-institute.org www.forgivenessweb.com www.mindgarden.com/products/efins.htm EQMap from Essi Systems., Inc. for measuring and increasing Emotional Intelligence. essisystems.com Forgiveness: a Bold Choice for a Peaceful Heart by Robin Casarjian The Forgiving Self The Road from Resentment to Connection by Robert Karen. THE INWARD ARC: Healing in Psychotherapy and Spirituality by Frances Vaughn Journey Toward Forgiveness by BettyClare Moffatt Getting Bitter, Getting Better by Dr. David Schell Guilt is the Teacher, Love is the Lesson by Joan Borysenko Overcoming Interpersonal Offenses: Is Forgiveness the Only Way to Deal with Unforgiveness? By Nathaniel Wade and Everett Worthington Jr. Journal of Counseling & Development, Summer 2003. Volume 81. A Process Model of Forgiving by Robert Enright and Gayle Reed Everyone, including myself, operates primarily out of self-interest. I must expect that some times I, in my self-interest, will be annoyed by some one else's expression of their self-interest. If I can understand that this is an ordinary part of life, what is there to be upset about? If I understand that self interest is the way that I behave, how can I but offer forgiveness to everyone, including myself for behaving that way? -Frederic Luskin, PhD heatherc@heathercarlile.com www.heathercarlile.com 1701 N. Collins Blvd., Ste. 126, Richardson, TX 75080 214-636-5889 11
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