FORGIVEN Compassionate Thoughts on Overcoming Feelings of GUILT AND DEPRESSION R O I C E K R U E G E R J A M E S S K I N N E R M A R K V I C T O R H A N S E N
Compassionate Thoughts on Overcoming Feelings of Guilt and Depression Roice Krueger, James Skinner, and Mark Victor Hansen is the word we want to say to ourselves first. Guilt is the greatest waste of time that you will ever have in your life. 2007, Roice Krueger, James Skinner, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 1
The Authors ROICE KRUEGER co-founded Franklin Covey, the world s largest training company, and has supervised consulting projects for 80 percent of the Fortune 500. JAMES SKINNER is the founder of two global financial groups that manage billions of dollars of assets. He is also recognized as one of the world s foremost business thinkers and appears regularly on Japanese television. MARK VICTOR HANSEN is the co-creator of the Chicken Soup for the Soul empire and is the best-selling nonfiction author of all time. His goal is to make the planet work for all humanity! NOTE: Ideas That Can Change Your Life is a collaboration of three of the world s most amazing authors, speakers, and thinkers. The first person I may refer to any of the authors. 2007, Roice Krueger, James Skinner, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 2
A New You I would like to start off with a story. Years ago I had a young lady come to me who was burdened in her life by something that she had done in the past. This terrible sense of guilt plagued her to the point where it was making her completely dysfunctional in many aspects of her life. At the time of our visit she was a university student, but she found it very difficult to focus on her studies due to this burden. So I took the opportunity to talk to her about it. I sat and listened to her, as she had confidence in me. You know that you are on sacred ground when someone is talking to you about these types of feelings. Together we went through a process involving several steps, which allowed her to forgive herself and just let go. I was amazed at the transformation of this young woman as she let go and became a totally new person. This topic has a great deal of meaning to me because I have experienced it in my own life. I have seen it in the lives of others, and because of this it is something that I strongly believe in. 2007, Roice Krueger, James Skinner, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 3
There are four dimensions of forgiveness. 1. You must first forgive yourself. 2. You then must forgive others. 3. You allow others to forgive you. 4. You feel that your Creator has forgiven you. Believe That God Has a Plan for You To begin with, what we want to talk about is the first dimension of forgiveness. It is very difficult to forgive someone else if you haven t forgiven yourself. I don t know about you, but I believe there is a Force greater than myself in this universe that has a plan for me. I truly feel I am a part of that plan. As I go around the world and learn about different religions and different cultures, I find myself talking to different groups about this concept. Do you believe there is Someone or some Force outside of you? We don t have to agree religiously on any term, philosophical topic, doctrine, or any particular scripture. But the vast majority of people agree that there is a 2007, Roice Krueger, James Skinner, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 4
Force, or a Creator, larger than themselves. They may refer to it as God, or label this Force as something else. I am going to try, if I may, to stay clear of any particular religious viewpoint and to approach this very generically, allowing you to put your own label where you are comfortable. As we try to live and follow the plan for our lives, one day we may find ourselves in a position where we do something wrong that causes feelings of guilt to flow into our conscience. It happens to all of us, doesn t it? Do you know the feeling I am referring to, that guilty feeling? It can come from little things we do in our life. Sometimes those things can be a bit larger, and then there are even bigger mistakes than that. In other words, there is a whole spectrum of mistakes that we make in life. 2007, Roice Krueger, James Skinner, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 5
For some of those things, we move on quickly, putting them out of our. Maybe we felt a brief twinge of guilt because we didn t hold the elevator door open. Perhaps we took it a step further by hitting the close button rather than open, even when we saw the other party coming. So up we go in the elevator spending the rest of the ride trying to justify our actions to ourselves. Oh, I really should have held the door, but I was in a hurry. Then there are the larger mistakes. We have what I refer to as a guilt sack that we carry around in our lives. We take even the smallest mistakes and throw it into our bag. As soon as we toss two or three of those in, then we are carrying this big burden of guilt along with us. Maybe one of those starts burning. It starts festering and causes us to think about our wrongdoing, which is painful. The distraction of that can cause us to become 2007, Roice Krueger, James Skinner, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 6
dysfunctional in our lives. We are no longer able to see clearly ahead. We then start to scold ourselves for all our mistakes. I don t think I should have done that; it was bad. I don t think that I can ever look that person in the face again. I don t know if they will ever forgive me. How could I ever do that? I knew better. Does that type of thing happen to you? I know it happens to me. And as it does, we start carrying that burden with us. Why carry it? Why have it in your life? Are you going to focus on the potholes you created on the highway of life, or are you going to move down that highway and enjoy the ride? Can we do that? 2007, Roice Krueger, James Skinner, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 7
Is there a way to let go? Can we put the past behind us and truly enjoy the ride ahead? Every mistake that we make carries with it natural consequences. But do we have to add to the burden of it? Do we need to exaggerate it? We will accept the consequences of what we have done; we will learn from them; acknowledge our mistakes; and then move on. Is there anything that you are carrying in your life right now that is a burden to you? Do you have some past error that still haunts you? 2007, Roice Krueger, James Skinner, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 8
As we go through this, just ask yourself why you are still holding on, especially if it has been more than a few weeks, months, or even years! Why are you still packing around a burden that holds you back from becoming the best person you can be? We need to shout forgiveness from the rooftops and the mountaintops because non-forgiveness is the root cause of the majority of the problems that we face in the world today. We have forgotten how to forgive each other or have chosen not to. All the major conflicts of the world can be linked to non-forgiveness. The Law of Natural Consequences Whatever you are holding on to right now, let go! 2007, Roice Krueger, James Skinner, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 9
Let the natural consequences take care of themselves. Move on. Let the past be the past. Leave punishment to Infinite Intelligence or your Creator. It is not your job to punish. In the job description of living did anyone say you are supposed to be the punisher? Are parents supposed to be the punishers their children? The consequences are already there; accept them move on. Learn from Your Mistakes Take it as a learning experience. Yes, learn. If you can forget and let it go, fine; but learn from it in your forgetting process. The learning will prevent you from doing it again, and you will say to yourself, I have learned my lesson. This I will never do again. 2007, Roice Krueger, James Skinner, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 10
I am going to tell you a story that I seldom tell people but wish to share with you because it has helped me to let go of my own burdens. While doing business as a salesperson in Texas, I was sent to visit some clients in New York City. I was raised in the West, and I was just a country boy, which I still am, by the way. As we talked, I found that I really got along well with them. They had a strong ethnic bond between the two of them. They shared a particular religion that they believed in fervently and that bonded them and their families together. You could see it in how they conducted their lives and their business activities. They lived their religion well. As I was talking, a phrase slipped out of my mouth. It was one of those phrases that could be very offensive to someone else. The reason I am not repeating it right now is I promised I would never repeat it again. The instant I said it I knew I had offended them. Upon realizing what I had done, I wanted dig a hole, crawl inside, and hide. I instinctively began to punish myself as I viewed the hurt in their eyes. We had built this wonderful relationship, and I had melted it down in one breath one single phrase. 2007, Roice Krueger, James Skinner, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 11
I punished myself over and over. I went through the scenario in my head, and just couldn t seem to let it go. It festered inside me to the point where I could not concentrate or focus on anything else. Finally I mustered the courage to go to them and ask them for forgiveness. We were able to open up and talk about it together. However, I still held it inside of me, asking myself how I could let words like that exit my mouth. You believe in words. It is part of your profession. You understand words. You have had experiences, and you appreciate other cultures. That has been one of your hallmarks in life. Now you just obliterated the relationship. I was still down, because I had shown myself to be insensitive. Eventually I had to tell myself that the natural consequence of my actions was that they were offended 2007, Roice Krueger, James Skinner, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 12
and I had offended myself. I knew this mistake would heal; I just had to let it go. The experience became a powerful lesson to me always think before you speak! Realize that while you make mistakes, you have also done much good your life. The Other Satchel You carry another satchel filled with helium balloons. These are the deeds you have done that lift your burden and lighten your load because you have lightened the load of others. Personally I try every day to add to the lives of every person I meet. That is my goal, particularly with strangers. When I meet a stranger in a different culture, religion, gender, or age group, I try to do something good for them; and in turn I feel great! 2007, Roice Krueger, James Skinner, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 13
When I get a self-image of myself that I can do good in life, then I start letting go of the bad. Did the Creator expect us to be perfect? What is expected of me? Why are we here? I personally believe we are here to have the opportunity to learn, to grow, and to study. Part of this process means that we will make some mistakes. I believe that the Creator desires for us, when we make a mistake, to let go of it. To move forward. Do not move backwards or sideways and do not become smaller. We are here to grow. And our punishment will serve no greater good. Restitution 2007, Roice Krueger, James Skinner, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 14
If I have done something wrong, where I can, I make restitution? How can I make up for what I have done? What can I do for the person I have harmed that will make them whole again? Once, as a small boy, my friend and I were down at the little local store. There was a toy that I really wanted. I looked around and just slipped that toy in my pocket and left. It figuratively burned a hole in my pants. I had never done that before in my life. In fact, I was taught not to do that. The pain was terrible. I hid the toy in my room and never played with it. One day I heard about the concept of restitution. I knew the price. I asked my mother for the money because I was too young to earn it. My mother looked at me, and I think she might have understood. You know how mothers and fathers sometimes just understand? She just gave me the money without asking what it was for. I went down the street to the store, put the toy up on the counter, and handed over the money. I said, I took this, and I came to pay for it. 2007, Roice Krueger, James Skinner, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 15
That taught me such a lesson in my life. It was probably one of the most courageous things that I had ever done in my life up to that point or since. Own up to that restitution. Sometimes you cannot restore what you have taken away from someone. You can try. You can apologize. Some things are very difficult to restore, but you do your best. As you do, the load will begin to lift off of you, and you will feel like a new person. The prize of giving the restitution is well worth the effort and the pain it requires. 2007, Roice Krueger, James Skinner, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 16
I have three daughters and one son. One of my daughters went through a divorce. She came to me and was heavyhearted about the situation, so we talked about restitution and forgiveness. I said to her, If you will forgive him and forgive yourself, you have someone who will be greatly affected: your child. She has a beautiful daughter, my granddaughter. Granddaughters are all beautiful. So I tell her that she has got to let go. Try to make the restitution, and restitution was difficult in her case. I am happy to report today that she and her exhusband are best of friends, even though they are both married to other people. It makes the conditions for my daughter and my granddaughter so much better because of the healing impact of forgiveness. It took each of them longer to self-forgive than it did to forgive each other, even though only one of them was the offender. 2007, Roice Krueger, James Skinner, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 17
But in the end, forgiveness heals all. The Greatest Love Do you love other people? What about yourself? Have you ever looked in the mirror straight into your own eyes and said, I love you? Now you say I love you to your grandchild, your spouse, and your friends, but have you ever looked into the mirror and said it to yourself? If you want to be a great leader, if you want to be a great businessperson, if you want to move people in their lives, then you need to build this spiritual dimension in your own life and learn to love yourself weaknesses and all. It is through this total forgiveness, this letting go, that you can truly come to love yourself and find that oneness in the world. 2007, Roice Krueger, James Skinner, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 18
Accept who you are in your heart. Can you feel it? Look forward to your future instead of looking over your shoulder at your past. Leave it behind you by letting go now. I have watched in Singapore, as well as in other countries, people actually attempting to walk backwards. It is a very interesting exercise. While walking backwards has certain physical benefits, I want to discourage you from walking backwards psychologically. Keep your eyes on where you are headed. If you can focus on turning your weakness into your strengths then you will have the power to enjoy living with a clear conscience. In life we all get a second chance; sometimes a third chance, a fourth chance, and more. Learning When to Stop Here is another story I would like to share with you. 2007, Roice Krueger, James Skinner, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 19
One day I was talking to my son, and I said to him, Son, don t do that! I got after him and he felt bad, which in the end caused him to cry. I thought, Oh why did I do that? So I got down on his level, and I apologized to him and went away. Two or three weeks later I found he was doing the same thing as before, and I got after him again. I yelled and then felt bad for doing so. I found myself apologizing to him, and then I went away. I came back, and he did it again. Once again I got after him and yelled, and with those five-year-old eyes he looked up at me and the wisdom came out. He said, You know, Dad, if you just stopped doing bad things, you wouldn t have to ask for forgiveness. It is amazing the things you can learn from children. You just have to stop doing bad things in order to stop apologizing. 2007, Roice Krueger, James Skinner, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 20
Grace After All We Can Do After doing all that we can, grace takes over the forgiveness process. It comes; I promise you it comes. If your heart wants it badly enough, it comes. I don t understand exactly how, but it comes. There is grace comes to us and lifts our burdens and lightens our heart. We can be forgiven. We can be given a new life. When we start building the spiritual side of our lives, it becomes a rock to us against the wind and the waves that toss us about in life, including the mistakes we make. We can move on. In the end, it is always grace after all we can do. Helping Others to Let Go If there is somebody you know who carries a burden of guilt, let them know that they have your unequivocal forgiveness and you will not force your judgments on them. 2007, Roice Krueger, James Skinner, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 21
Let them see your total acceptance of them. Love them as much as you can. I ve found that one of the most useful things I have been able to do for some people is to become that other person for them and to apologize on behalf of the other person. I have had some of the most amazing experiences with that. I will now apologize on behalf of your father, who is not here and cannot do it for himself. Give them the opportunity to forgive the other person who is not there. Many people just need the right chance or opportunity to change. This is why we make New Year s resolutions. New Year s seems an appropriate time to change our lives 2007, Roice Krueger, James Skinner, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 22
and set new goals. Sometimes all we need is for someone to point out that this would be the appropriate moment. Summary Love only has two aspects: giving and forgiving. The hardest part of forgiving is forgiving yourself. The next-hardest person to forgive is someone who has offended you. If you really want to do forgive, write 490 times I forgive myself I forgive so-and-so, and go to the third person and so on and so forth. All self-defeating behavior or dysfunctional behavior comes from a lack of forgiveness. All rotten behavior in business and all wars come out of lack of forgiveness either of yourself or of others. 2007, Roice Krueger, James Skinner, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 23
As long as you carry the burden sack of guilt, you are going to be in self-persecution. Guilt is the greatest waste of time that you will ever have in your life. There are people who spend years wasting their emotional lives in a state of guilt. If anyone reading this has been weighed down by guilt, I want to give you permission right now to let it go and start over. Do you feel it? Start over. Practice the principle of forgiveness. Practice it in your life. Quickly forgive others, and quickly forgive yourself. It is liberating. It will set you free. 2007, Roice Krueger, James Skinner, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 24
The truth always sets you free, and the truth is that grace will attend after all we can do. Look in that mirror and say, I love you. With best wishes, Roice Krueger, James Skinner, Mark Victor Hansen 2007, Roice Krueger, James Skinner, and Mark Victor Hansen, All rights reserved. 25