Contents How to Use This Book RONNIE FRIEDLAND...xvii Foreword ANITA DIAMANT...xx Preface RABBI KERRY M. OLITZKY...xxiii Acknowledgments...xxvii Introduction PAULA BRODY...xxix 1. INTERFAITH WEDDINGS...1 You Don t Need a Rabbi to Have a Jewish Wedding ANITA DIAMANT...1 Our Jewish-ish Wedding JIM KEEN...4 Why Do You Do This? A Rabbi s Experience with Interfaith Marriage NEIL KOMINSKY...8 How I Honored My Non-Jewish Parents at My Jewish Wedding ALICE WAUGH...11 One Rabbi s Approach to Interfaith Wedding Ceremonies DEVON A. LERNER...14 What s Jewish about the Jewish Wedding? JEFFREY K. SALKIN...16 2. INTERFAITH RELATIONSHIPS...23 Opening Up Communication in an Interfaith Relationship PAULA BRODY...23
viii Contents What Jews and Christians Should Know about Each Other BRUCE KADDEN...27 Approaching Our Twenty-seventh Anniversary JANICE G. FISCHEL...30 Acknowledging a Dual Heritage While Choosing One Religion WENDY WELTMAN PALMER...34 3. CHOOSING A RELIGIOUS IDENTITY FOR YOUR CHILD...37 If I m Jewish and You re Christian, What Are the Kids? ANDREA KING...37 Raising My Children as Jews ANNIE MODESITT...40 Intermarried and Pregnant: Thoughts about Our Child s Religious Future CHRISTINA PERTUS-HENDELMAN...44 But Josh Isn t Religious. Why Should We Raise Our Children as Jews? ROBERTA KESTEN CALDERONE...47 Making Religious Choices for Our Children ARLENE SARAH CHERNOW...49 4. TELLING YOUR PARENTS ABOUT YOUR RELIGIOUS DECISIONS FOR YOUR CHILDREN...53 A Very Difficult Thing to Do: Telling Your Parents You are Raising Your Children in Your Partner s Faith PAULA BRODY...53 Telling My Christian Parents I m Raising My Children in the Jewish Faith CHERYL OPPER...57 You re Raising Them What? Telling Your Parents You Are Raising Jewish Kids JIM KEEN...59
Contents ix 5. BIRTH CEREMONIES: BAPTISM, BABY NAMING, AND BRIT MILAH...63 Welcoming Babies into Intermarried Families: Choosing Ceremonies ANITA DIAMANT...63 Is Heaven Denied to an Unbaptized Child? Advice and Perspective for Catholic Parents Who Are Raising Their Children within Judaism WALTER H. CUENIN...67 Helping Couples Cope with the Bris/Baptism Question ROBERTA KESTEN CALDERONE...70 Baby Namings in My Interfaith Family JIM KEEN...72 Planning a Brit Bat for Your Daughter ANITA DIAMANT...76 Through the Eyes of a Mohelet: An Interfaith Bris LILLIAN R. G. SCHAPIRO...80 Our Jewish Family: Two Sons, One Circumcised and One Not; a Scottish, Presbyterian, Circumcised Husband; and Me, the Jewish Mother AVIGAIL LIPMAN...82 Welcoming a Son into an Interfaith Family: What Is a Mohel and How Do You Find One? KENNETH S. WEISS...86 On the Eighth Day, in Every Generation: A Guide to Brit Milah BRADLEY SHAVIT ARTSON...88 6. PARENTING IN INTERFAITH RELATIONSHIPS...93 Why Isn t Daddy Jewish? Questions Children of Intermarriage Ask ANDREA KING...93
x Contents Raising My Kids Jewish, When I m Protestant JIM KEEN...95 So You Want to Be a Jewish Mother, but You re Not Jewish? BARBARA ROSMAN PENZNER...98 A Catholic Mother of Jewish Children PATRICIA LOMBARD...101 How to Talk to Your Kids about Jesus DEBRA B. DARVICK...104 Parenting My Jewish Children in Our Interfaith Family: A Non-Jewish Parent s Point of View WENDY CASE...107 Parenting My Jewish Children in Our Interfaith Family: A Jewish Parent s Point of View EDMUND CASE...110 Musings about Raising Children of a Different Religion WENDY CASE...113 7. BAR AND BAT MITZVAH IN AN INTERFAITH FAMILY...117 Of Bar and Bat Mitzvahs and Non-Jewish Parents DANIEL SIEGEL...117 Attending My Niece s Bat Mitzvah: A Non-Jewish Perspective MARTHA LITTLE...120 Creating a Comfortable Bar or Bat Mitzvah for Intermarried Families BARBARA ROSMAN PENZNER...123 Our Jewish-Italian Family s Celebration of Our Daughter s Bat Mitzvah DEBORAH FREEMAN...126
Contents xi 8. TALKING TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT INTERFAITH DATING...129 How to Talk to Your Kids about Interfaith Dating EDMUND CASE...129 Feelings about My Sons Interfaith Dating CHARLES B. MCMILLAN...131 My Quandary: A Happily Intermarried Mom Talks to Her Daughter about Potential Problems in Interfaith Marriages RONNIE CAPLANE...134 9. RELATIONSHIPS WITH THE EXTENDED FAMILY...137 Him, Her, or Us: The Family Loyalty Knot ELEANOR W. JAFFE...137 Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother: Reflections on Being Part of an Interfaith Family REENA G. W. JUDD...141 How I Prepared My Kids for Their First Mass and Their Aunt s Catholic Wedding JERI ZEDER...145 10. GRANDPARENTING...149 On Being the Jewish Grandmother of a Christian Grandchild PAULA LEE HELLMAN...149 On Learning That My Jewish Son Would Raise His Daughter Catholic NAN MEYER...152 How Joining a Parents of Children with Interfaith Relationships Group Helped Me BOBBIE FRIEDMAN...155
xii Contents 11. DIVORCE AND STEPFAMILY ISSUES FOR INTERFAITH FAMILIES...159 Divorce and the Interfaith Family JEFFREY A. MARX...159 Divorced, Not Jewish, but My Kids Are DANIEL LITTLE...161 When Her Christian Mother and Her Jewish Stepfather Divorced, She Kept Her Judaism RONNIE CAPLANE...164 When a Divorced, Traditional Mother of Two Fell in Love with a Non-Jew JENNIFER M. PAQUETTE...167 12. GAY INTERFAITH RELATIONSHIPS...171 Interfaith at the Top LEV BA ESH...171 My Life as the Non-Jewish Partner of a Rabbi C. ANDREW MARTIN...174 13. CREATING JEWISH ADOPTIVE FAMILIES...179 With Chai You Get Eggroll: Raising a Jewish-Chinese Daughter in America MARLYN KRESS...179 On Adopting Children from a Different Religion and Culture CHERYL A. LIEBERMAN...182 Our Son s Conversion to Judaism SUSAN SILVERMAN...186 14. GROWING UP INANINTERFAITH FAMILY...189 Joyful Family Traditions ROHANNA GIBSON GREEN...189
Contents xiii Growing Up Half and Half but Feeling Whole STEPHANIE BRUCE...192 Growing Up Jewish in an Interfaith Family EMILY CASE...195 Visiting Israel a Land I Feel a Strong Bond with, but Where I Am Not Considered a Jew ADAM CASE...197 15. THE DECEMBER DILEMMA...201 Happy Holidays? Understanding December Dilemmas in the Context of Jewish Family Memories PAULA BRODY...201 Negotiating Christmas RENA MELLO...204 The Disappearing Christmas Tree PAULA LEE HELLMAN...207 Will Santa Bring Me Presents, Even If I m Jewish? JIM KEEN...210 How Can I Embrace the December Holidays without Offending My Jewish Family? CHERYL OPPER...213 My First Christmas EMILY H. CAPPO...216 December Angst SHERI LEVIN MCNERTHNEY...219 Facing the December Dilemma: Guidelines for Interfaith Couples JUNE ANDREWS HOROWITZ...222
xiv Contents 16. CELEBRATING OTHER HOLIDAYS...227 Eggs and Plagues: Handling Easter and Passover in Our Interfaith Family JIM KEEN...227 Holy Promised Spirit Land BONNI GOLDBERG...230 Understanding the High Holy Days: A Primer for Non-Jewish Partners JONATHAN E. KRAUS...233 How Jews Can Help Their Christian Partners During the High Holidays: A Protestant Perspective JIM KEEN...237 Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, and the Non-Jewish Partner ANDREA KING...240 How I Used My Christmas Tree Decorations to Light Up My Sukkah PAULA C. YABLONSKY...243 Shabbat Becomes My Own RACHEL GOLDSMITH...246 17. DEATH AND MOURNING IN INTERFAITH FAMILIES...249 Till Death Do Us Part ANITA DIAMANT...249 Mourning My Episcopalian Mother as a Jew-by-Choice PAULA C. YABLONSKY...253 Jewish Burial and Mourning Practice for Non-Jewish Relatives PAUL J. CITRIN...256 Bereavement and the Interfaith Family ELIAS LIEBERMAN...259
Contents xv My First Wake DAVID HOROWITZ...262 My First Shiva JUNE ANDREWS HOROWITZ...264 18. INTERFAITH FAMILIES AND THE SYNAGOGUE...267 Sojourners among Us: Non-Jews in Jewish Life DAVID REGENSPAN...267 Is There a Place for Me in Judaism? WENDY CASE...272 Walking the Tightrope: Dilemmas a Rabbi Feels with Interfaith Families JONATHAN E. KRAUS...274 Interfaith Families and Synagogues: A New Approach SAMUEL N. GORDON...276 Welcoming Intermarrieds in Shul: An Ordained Orthodox Rabbi s Perspective MARK HILLEL KUNIS...281 Will Christopher McNulty Feel at Home in a Jewish Religious School? SHEILA E. GOLDBERG...284 Is Judaism Necessarily Insular? RACHEL BARENBLAT...288 The Synagogue as Village: Will It Welcome Interfaith Villagers? ROSE L. LEVINSON...292 Intermarriage Has Our Blessing MYRNA BARON...295 First Steps into Synagogue Life DEBORA W. ANTONOFF...298
xvi Contents A Challenge to Action ELEANOR W. JAFFE...301 Judaism Is Not a Closed Club DRU GREENWOOD...304 19. CONVERSION...309 My Conversion Story ANITA DIAMANT...309 Becoming Jewish in the Eyes of My Parents CATHERINE BRENNAN REIN...311 Sanctifying Waters: The Mikvah and Conservative Judaism MYRON S. GELLER...313 Doing the Conversion Two-Step KERRY M. OLITZKY...316 Welcoming Initiates to Judaism: Why I Prefer the Term Initiation DANIEL SIEGEL...318 Afterword EDMUND CASE...321 Glossary...325 Resources...330 About InterfaithFamily.com...336 About Jewish Lights...337