DAVKEN ASSOCIATES, P.C. CERTtnED IMAGO RELA TIOSSHIP THERAPIST DAVID MONTROSE, Ed.D. Administrator Cell: 312-860-7007 ICA6400@AOL.COM
RABBI DR DAVID MONTROSE 312-860-7007 B"H HOW TO GET THE RELATIONSHIP THAT YOU ALWAYS WANTED 1. A REVIEW OF BASIC ASSUMPTIONS (HANDOUT) A) THEMATANAH- TIKUNGADOL B) FRlCTION IS CRUCIAL TO A GOOD RELATIONSHIP C) THE PROBLEM IS NOT WHAT WE THINK IT IS (OLD WOUNDS) 2. TOOLS TO WORK WITH TOWARDS A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP A) CLOSING THE EXITS (HANDOUT) B) OLD BRAIN VS. NEW BRAIN (OUR REACTIVE BEHAVIOR) C) EARS VS. ANTENNA (HEARING VS. FEELING) D) THE COUPLESDIALOGUE(HANDOUT- EXER~ISE) DEMONSTRATION E) FRUSTRATION TRANSITION TO A BEHAVIOURAL CHANGE REQUEST (HANDOUT) 3. SECRETS TO SUCCESS A) MARS AND VENUS (INHERANT DIFFERENCES) B) YOUDON'T HAVETOAGREE- JUSTRESPECTDIFFERENCES C) NO BLAMING D) "1" MESSAGES - LESS "YOU" MESSAGES E) THE COMMANDMENTS OF A CONSCIOUS MARRlAGE
~. 3 We are, essentially, energy. Imago Relationship Therapy Basic Assumptions The energy which constitutes our core is neutral. The basic feature of this energy is pulsation. Q / Ie. -The natural state of this energy is relaxationandjoy.!!)'? /??h,tle We are connected to all other forms of energy.; ':i'i?p'j; ~J.o')'t"Nc...<Jfl.' (.. Our original state of rela...'cedjoyfulness has been disturbed.,j '1:V,9' This disturbance has blocked our awareness of our essential unity and our connectedness to the whole. I VI') ~f/o Th ' d... b ed b '. h fie~.n IS Istur ance IS expenenc y us as a treat to our existence. The distress caused by this threat has diminished our original vitality or sense of full aliveness. -.p JP~J1 Our primary goal is to restore our original state of relaxedjoyfulness. All of our behaviors are designed to: Make our existence secure J) e 13r Recover our sense of full aliveness.-1'j I'll j) J711h (j '" Express our aliveness /J ]PIG' pje7.11/ This goal is active in the selection of a primary love partner. The purpose of the unconscious in a love relationship is to restore our original condition. To achieve this goal we must consciously cooperate with the purpose of our unconscious. j1pl, /'"":,~ U.J? Cooperation means stretching, through acts of unconditional love, to guarantee the security of our partner in our presence, commitment to his or her psychological h~ing. and support of his or her spiritual evolution. '1Jl\lN These acts of self-transcendence secure our own existence. The original state of relaxed joyfulness and personal wholeness is restored by stretching to meet the needs of an intimate partner, a stretching which activates the lost self and transforms the denied self--thus making these aspects of ourselves available to consciousness and integrating them...;j;;)~j c
15 The No-Exit Decision with the completion of the preceding exercises, you have a vision of the relationship you want with your partner. Before you go forward, you must both make a decision: You must decide to recommit to your partner and to your relationship, and you must make a new commitment to a process that will change your relationship. This decision is called the "No-Exit Decision." Essentially, making a no-exit decision means that you decide to commit to the goal of creating a positive, working relationship with your partner and to participate in the processes and procedures of achieving your goals. Each of you will need all your energy to devote to the work of creating the relationship of your vision. Even if you are not sure that you want to stay in this relationship,you are encouragedto make this decision. As we have seen, the problems you have in this relationship reflect the unresolvedproblems you have in yourself. You will tend to repeat these problems in any future relationship until and unless you resolve them in yourself.
I 2 The Couples Dialogue Effective communication is essential to a good relationship. Although good communication skills alone may not solve problems or resolve issues, no problems can be solved or issues resolved without it. Defined as the verbal or non-verbal exchange of information, meaning, and feelings between two persons, communication covers every possible way we can interact. We may communicate well or poorly, but we cannot not communicate. One of the most effective forms of communication between two people in a committed love relationship is the Couples Dialogue. It consists of three processes called Mirroring, validation, and Empathy. Mirroring is the process of accurately reflecting back the content of a message from one partner. The most common form of mirroring is paraphrasing. A "paraphrase" is a statement in your own words of what the message your partner sent means to you. Mirroring indicates to your partner that you are willing to transcend your own thoughts and feelings for the moment in an attempt to understand your partner from his or her point of view. Any response made prior to mirroring is often an "interpretation" and may contain a misunderstanding. In the mirroring exercise, each partner has the opportunity to send his or her message again and to be paraphrased until it is clear that the message has been understood and accurately received. I~ Validation is a communication to the sending partner that the information being received and mirrored "makes sense". It indicates that you can see the information from your partner's point o.t.. view and can accept that it has validity--it is true for your partner. Validation is a temporary suspension or transcendence of your point of view which allows your partner's experience to have its own reality. Typical validating phrases are: "I can see that...", "it makes sense to me that you would think...", "I can understand that..." Such phrases convey to your partner that his or her subjective experience is not crazy, that it had its own logic, and that it is a valid way of looking at things. To validate your partner's message does not mean that you necessarily agree with his or her point of view or that it reflects your subjective experience. It merely recognizes the fact that in every situation, no "objective" view is possible. In any communication between two people, there are always two points of view, and every report of any experience is an "interpretation", which is the "truth" for each person. The process of mirroring with validation increases trust and closeness between partners.
3 The Couples' Dialoque (cont'4) Empathy is the process in which the listening partner reflects or imagines the feelings the sending partner is experiencing about the situation being reported. In this deep level of communication, you atte~pt to recognize, reach into, and, on some level, experience the emotions your partner is sending. Empathy allows both partners to transcend, perhaps tor a moment, their separateness and to experience a genuine "meeting". Such an experience has remarkable healing power. Typical phrases tor empathic communication include: "I can imagine that you must teel...". "when you experience that, I hear/understand that you teel..., and that must feel awful." A complete dialogue transaction may then sound as tollows: "So, I understand you to be saying that it I don't look at you when you are talking to me, you think I am uninterested in what you are saying. I can understand that - it makes sense to me, and I can imagine that you would teel rejected and angry. That must be a terrible teeling." After a demonstration of the Couples Dialogue, your therapist will ask you to practice it in all conflicted transactions with your partner for the remainder of your therapy. )
The Couples Dialogue Instructions There are three reasons why one might wont to have a COUPLES DIALOGUE: 1. 2. 3. You want to be listened to and understood. You are upset about something and want to discuss it with your portner. You " wont to discuss a topic that you think might be touch y. " The one who wonts to send a message (the SENDER)must toke the initiative "1would like to have a Couples Dialogue. 15now okay?" and say: The other portner (the RECEIVER)responds, 1. Mirroring: "What I heard you say is..." using a three-port process, and says: When there is a natural pause, the receiver will soy two Things: 0 'I Am I mirroring you accurately?1i b 1 "ls there anything more you would like to say about that?1i 2. Validation: "You make sense, because... II The words "You make sense" must be said. It is important to odd the "because" so that you state the "sense" that you heard. You may wont to preface it with something like: "1 am listening to you carefully and I understand what you are saying," but you must soy the sentence "You make sense, because..." 3. Emoafhy: "I imagine you might be feeling" or "I imagine you might have felt...11 Then you must make some guesses as to what the SENDERis or was feeling. Feelings are stated in ~ word (i.e.: angry, confused, sad, upset, etc.) If your guess entails more than one word, it is probably a thought ('you feel that you don't wont to go with me.". this is a thought and not a feeling). Also, one never knows for sure what another person is feefing. Therefore, check out your guesses by saying: "15 that what you are/were feeling?" When the SENDERshares with you other feelings, mirror back what you heard. Then inquire: "Are there any Then mirror what is said.. other feelings you are having?" When you have gone through all three ports (Mirroring, Validation and Empathy) then say: "1 would like to respond now." Thenpartners switch and the RECEIVERbecomes the SENDER. 78
3.-\ Checklist For Couples Dialogue Two reasons it would be wise to use Couples' Dialogue: 1. To discuss something you are upset about. 2. To discuss a topicthat you think might be "touchy." The SENDER is the partner who wants to send a message. The RECEIVER is the listening partner. It is the RECEIVER's job to grant Couples' Dialogue as soon as possible--preferably right away. If it is not possible to participate fully in Couples' Dialogue right away, arrange an appointment so that the sender knows when s/he will be heard. This appointment needs to be made as soon as possible. SENDER: Ask for an appointment: Is now okay?" "I would like to DIALOGUE about something. RECEIVER: Grant appointment ASAP: "I am available now. What's going on?" SENDER: Send message. RECEIVER: 1. Mirroring: a) "If I got it right, you are saying..." b) "Is that accurate?" c) "Is there more about that?" 2. Validation: a) "I can understandyou would think... " b) "Basedon what you said, that makes sense to me." 3. Emparhy: "I can imagine that you must feel.. " Once the SENDER feels that he or she has been,heard completely,partners trade places as the RECEIVER becomes the SENDER and the dialogue becomes reciprocal and continues as above.
Translation of a Frustration to a Behavior Change Request FRUSTRATINGBEHAVIOR fie. HWhen you are late and don't call.") FEEUNG fie. "IFeel angry. ") REACTIVE BEHAVIOR fie. "Then I react with sulking. ") HIDDENFEAR/WOUND fie. "Tohide my fear of being abandoned. ") PRIMITIVE DESIRE (ie. "I want to feel imporlont to you. ") PRESENT DESIRE fie. "I want you to be on time. ") BEHAVIORCHANGE REQUESTS ie. 0 For the next three month$, when you know you will be more than 30 minutes /ote, please give me a call at least 30 minute$ before the time of our appointment to tell me about the change. o o o o
80 Restructurinq Frustrations The Behavior Chanqe Request Dialoque SE~TIER RECEIVER 1. R~uest an appointment: "I would like an appointment to express a frustration and make a Behavior Change Request." 1. Grant an appointment ASAP. possible. Now if 2. State the frustration in one short sentence, i.e.: "When you don't look at me when I talk, I get frustrated." 3. Describe the frustrating behavior fully and state feelings: "What frustrates me is (state a behavior)..." 4. State the childhood wound along with the feelings connected to it: "It reminds me of...when I was a child and makes me feel... It 5. State your desire in general terms, i.e: "I want you to listen to me when 1 am talking. " 6. State a Behavior Change Request including how it would help you and make you feel, i.e: "Whenever I am talkin& to you, I want you to stop what you are doing, look me in the face, and mirror back what I have said. I would like you to do this three times per week for the next month. This will help me know that I am visible and important to you and will make me feel relaxed and happy." 7. Give another necessary. oprion or options, if 2. Mirror. Then say: "I am ready to hear your frustration fully." 3. Mirror, validateand express empathy.then say: "Does this frustration remind you of anything in your childhood?" 4. Mirror, validateand expressempathy.then say: "What is it that you desire of me?" 5. Ask "Is there more about that?" When SENDER is finished, mirror, validate and express empathy. Then say: "What could I specifically do that would help meet your desire?" 6. Ask "Is there more about that?" When SENDER is finished, mirror, validate and express empathy. Grant the request as a gift or ask for another oprion if the request is impossible for you now. 7. Grant the request or make a counterproposal. Say: "I will gift you with... (describe what you will do.)" 8. Say: "Thank you. That will reduce my fear of...(childhood wound) and make me feel... " 8. Say: "You're welcome!"
""' EQ. gy bj Exercise C2: "Hard" Behavior Change Request Ust (MUCHSTRETCHINGREQUIRED) (x- Y"a+~~) I, went to stretch end give you, the following gifts es en expression of my cere end love. Much stretching is needed but I'm willing to work herd et it. Partner Request Date.>
The Commandments of a Conscious-Marriage Heal each other's childhood wounds Call each other back to original wholeness Visualize our Dream Relationship daily Keep each other emottonally and physically safe at all times Keep all exits to our relattonship closed End all behaviors that avoid intimacy Give each other caring behaviors daily Give each other surprises monthly Enjoy high energy pleasure together daily End all crittcism Ask directly for what we want Express all negative feelings appropriately