Frankfort Chapter Newsletter We need not walk alone.

Volume 10, Issue 6 Frankfort Chapter Newsletter We need not walk alone. P.0. BOX 4075, FRANKFORT KY 40604-4075 October 2013 LOST POTENTIAL Last year I attended a workshop presented by a specialist in grief named Dr. Cable. Dr. Cable said many important things about the grief process, but as a bereaved parent one thing stuck in my mind. He said that if you ask a bereaved person to describe his deceased mother, he will say, Oh, she was so sweet. She always wore flowered dresses and loved to bake cookies. But, if you ask a bereaved parent to describe her deceased child, she will say, Oh, he would be five this year and just starting kindergarten, or, She would be twenty-two this year and graduating from college. You see, we bereaved parents grieve the lost potential of our children. Our children don t stop growing in our minds. We grieve again and anew each year as our child would have been a different age. Chris Anderson TCF, Walla Walla, Washington Like a bird Singing in the rain, Let grateful memories Survive in time of sorrow. Robert Louis Stevenson A Personal Evolution Through Grief I have been a bereaved parent now for three and half years. I have learned a few things during that time, and I have much to learn in the future. I am evolving. Evolving from what I once was..a person who had reasonable expectations of a life that included my son, his children, graduations, holidays, birthdays and special occasions. Now I have become a person who has virtually no expectations that are similar to the ones I had before my son died. I have evolved into a more sensitive person. I know what some people are thinking before they even say the words. I feel others joy as if it were my own. I cheer for the success of others. I feel their sorrow, their failures, their missteps. I watch children play and remember my childhood, my son s childhood and I think of the joy that is childhood. I sit for hours watching birds at our feeders, marveling at the beauty of the natural world. I have slowed down the pace. I no longer feel the pressure to be here or there, to do this or that, to call this one or that one, to wear certain clothes, to put on the best face for strangers. I have liberated myself from the mundane and the materialistic. Instead, I simply feel deeply about others. I have become extremely sensitive to all that surrounds me. MONTHLY MEETING Hospice Building 643 Teton Trail Frankfort, Kentucky First Thursday & Third Monday 6:30pm Thursday, Oct. 3rd Monday, Oct. 20th October 3 rd Guest Speaker/Leader Misti L. Hall, MS, MFTA presenting Connections to Our Children Chapter Co-Leaders Kathy Wainscott khwainscott@yahoo.com (502)517-6289 Karen Cantrell karen821285@yahoo.com (502) 320-6438 Treasurer Helen Thompson nativedancer967@hotmail.com (502) 395-0213 Newsletter Editor Debbie Howard Debbie_howard@shieldmw.com dcarsonnormandy@cs.com (859) 509-0091 Outreach and Hospitality Coordinators Joe & Patti Hyman tazman@fewpb.net (502) 223-3522 Butch & Evelyn Miller Elm1683@yahoo.com (502) 229-9286 NATIONAL OFFICE The Compassionate Friends PO Box 3696 Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696 (877) 969-0010 nationaloffice@compassionatefriends.org www.compassionatefriends.org Page 1

I believe the loss of my child has changed me in many different ways. I see this in the attitudes of those who are in the Compassionate Friends as well. While few of us will broach no nonsense in our lives because it is meaningless compared with our experiences, we will listen intently for long periods to the weeping, hysterical cries of a newly bereaved mother. Or we will nod quietly as a parent who is far into grief has a sudden flash of sorrow that is overwhelming. We have a heightened sensitivity to others through no choice of our own. It came with the loss of our beautiful children. I wonder about what my son would think of events that have unfolded since his death. I have come to conclusions about others that aren t, quite frankly, flattering. Yet, he had come to these conclusions before he died. While I tried to mollify his perception of the dysfunctional people with whom he was burdened, he just said, that s how it is, mom. And he was right. That s how it is. I have learned to accept people for what they are. If I can help, I will certainly do so. If I can t help, I accept that some things can t be changed, and some people won t change. There is no magic here. It s a simple fact of life. That s how it is, mom. I volunteer more these days. I give of myself, my knowledge, any wisdom I may have acquired on life s path to others who are in need. I give of my time, my talents and my labors to those who don t ask as well as those who do. I am comfortable with this.i have less appreciation for money than I once had. Perhaps that is the best thing to come out of this. What was I chasing? What was my son chasing? What was the point? Bigger, better, faster, farther, more, more, more. It s a shallow existence when one is so focused on the material things that one is defined by materialism. I have learned to let go of preconceptions, and in that letting go, I have been pleasantly surprised by many people. How did I get to this place? One minute, one hour, one day, one week, one month at a time. It is a slow journey from crawling through the pits of hell in deep grief to coming back to the reality of here and now. It s as close to a near death experience as I can imagine. Instead of great epiphanies, there are moments of clarity. Instead of instant gratification, there is much work to achieve tiny steps forward. But the effort is well worth making. When I came out from the pits of hell, I realized that my reality was changed; I realized that I was a different person. I discovered that the world doesn t run on the dollar. I found that all people have a capacity for goodness, but that many will never use this capacity. But most importantly, I discovered that after leaving the pits of hell, there is a road toward hope that is traveled by each of us. Some walk more quickly, some more slowly. But we each walk that road to hope. Hope represents a life that is tolerable once again. Hope represents the acceptance of our child s death and the acknowledgement that we will keep our children alive in our hearts for all eternity as we continue into our tomorrows. Hope is reconciling those two elements: yesterday and tomorrow. I have learned to adjust to change, because change is inevitable. I have learned to stand up for what is right because that is our duty as human beings. I have learned much about the fears of others and even more about my own fears. I have conquered my phobias as a result of my son s death. Nothing my imagination could conjure would equal that gripping pain, the ache that hangs in my heart forever because my child has died. But most of all, I have learned that my son was right. That s the way it is, mom. Shortly before he died, he said he wanted to give me a copy of Who Moved My Cheese? He never had the opportunity. But I will read it. I have a feeling I know what it will say. Perhaps Todd gave me the plot line when he died. I d like to think that he was subconsciously preparing me. Annette Mennen Baldwin In memory of my son, Todd Mennen TCF, Katy, TX Michael Nunley a bereaved sibling and the writer of a song for Compassionate Friends, shares the following writing on the website: Open To Hope (www.opentohope.com) REGAINING STRENGTH (and letting yourself feel good about it) It happens. One day you look up and realize that you haven't set too many places at the table for over a month. One day you find yourself smiling at a photo instead of wanting to turn it face down on the mantle. One day you'll know that it's ok to leave room for them in your heart, even when they don't need room in the backseat. Don't let yourself feel guilty about making progress. Learning to live with loss is not the same as minimizing the life of your loved one. Finding joy in your present and future is NOT a sign that you no longer value or miss those who were so great a part of your past. It's important to take note of the small victories AND the big ones and CELEBRATE them! I believe that one of the secrets to lasting joy is the habit of celebrating progress and achievements of all sizes. That doesn't mean planning a party for you and your 50 Page 2

closest friends, but at least take a moment to sigh and acknowledge a mile stone. Write something good on your calendar, post something happy in your blog, or better yet, put a sticky-note on your bathroom mirror. Perhaps you might write: I am Stronger today than I was last Spring. I made it through a sad movie. I cleaned out "THAT" closet today. Perhaps you might rather write something to inspire like: Every day I choose to keep going I can go farther. I still have a life to live and I will live it in honor of. Every good day is worth bonus points! Where are you today in your journey? Can you enjoy a favorite song again? Can you sing along even if it triggers a deep memory of who you're missing? Ask yourself these questions: Have I missed things I could have celebrated? Have I failed to praise the progress of others? If you don't think you've done well at this, that's ok, just look for the opportunities in the future. Not knowing you won a thousand dollars is unfortunate... not bothering to pick up the prize on your way home from work would be a waste.) As you will hear many experts say, grief is not a stage you go through and leave behind. As you learn to handle more and more of your new life's problems and pains, celebrate the milestones. Be grateful for each step away from panic and dysfunction. Don't just survive, learn to thrive. As you "pick up the pieces" don't forget to pick up your prizes. You've earned them! ~ Michael Nunley From http://www.opentohope.com This month s special remembrance is of Dennis Murphy, Jr. We have asked that families share a writing of their child(ren) so that we all may come to know them. The following tribute was submitted by Dennis s parents, Yandell and Dennis, Sr. We, (Dennis Sr. and Yandel), got married after dating on and off through high school in 1978. We purchased a house and then in 1980 we decided we were ready to start a family. We decided we could provide well for two children and regardless of what they were, we would have two. In February, the 16 th day, Dennis Murphy Jr. made his entrance into the world. He was a loving child, whom we adore. Twenty-two months later, Matthew Shawn Murphy made his entrance into the household. We spoiled both boys equally. Dennis Jr. loved his baby brother the way some of us women love chocolate. I was fortunate enough to be a homemaker, but Dennis Sr. had his time with the boys also. He loved taking them fishing or down to his parents where they would help out in the hay or drive tractor. When Dennis Jr. learned to drive, he would take his brother with him to ballgames or wherever he was going. Our neighbors had a son named Mike and he was always in the mix too. Dennis excelled in auto mechanics so he got on at Pearce Motors and since he only had to do one class at school he was able to leave and go to work. He worked in mechanics for several years until his young brother decided to go to truck driving school. Dennis Jr. had to go to truck driving school also. As soon as Dennis Jr. graduated he was hired by Waste Management to drive a truck. His brother also got on at Waste Management to drive a truck. They both had a Class A CDL. They did excellent in the area where they worked but Shawn felt he was wasting his Class A when he could be driving a tractor trailer truck, so that s what he ended up doing. Dennis Jr. was hurt by his brother s move but he continued to work for Waste Management and had to master all the equipment they had at this yard. He decided he was going to a different yard to drive a front loader. He had very crazy hours and would work longer if there was something that needed doing. He would leave home at 1am and sometimes work 15 or 16 hour days. When he got home if someone called needing help of some kind, he would leave to help take care of it. Page 3

I had a funny feeling when he went to work at this yard because I knew he wouldn t get his proper rest. The day after Christmas the call came that he had been in an accident at the same time there was a knock on the door. We rushed to get to the accident scene. The state police man said, I am sorry. He is missed by so many people. He is dearly missed by his brother, his father who he fished with, his mother whom he loved to pick at. He was a good friend, a fantastic grandson, a very hard worker and is truly missed by his coworkers. I never got to say Good Bye So Long Baby, I will see you on the other side. We want to thank Yandell and Dennis Sr. for sharing this story of their precious son, Dennis Jr. and allowing us to get to know him. Meeting Note October 3 rd meeting Misti L. Hall, former Hospice Grieve Counselor will be guest speaking/leading our first Thursday meeting on October 3 rd. Misti will be sharing thoughts on Connections to Our Children. To Our Members Who are Further Down the Grief Road We need your encouragement and your support. Each meeting we have new parents. THINK BACK what would it have been like for you at your first meeting if there had not been any TCF veterans to welcome you, share your grief, encourage you and tell you, your pain will not always be this bad, it really does get better! Love Gifts A Thoughtful Way to Remember Love Gifts are a beautiful and loving way to remember a loved one. Through Love Gifts, we are able to reach out to others with our brochures and newsletters as well as obtain books and other information for our library. We truly appreciate every Love Gift, donation and sponsorship. Our Chapter work is done by volunteers and these donations help us reach out in many ways, including the conference, and preparation of the newsletter. Refreshments Some of us like to remember our child s birthday or the anniversary of his or her death by bringing a cake or cookies to the meeting that month. We would appreciate having you bring a special treat to any meeting. You may also want to bring and share a picture of your child. Lending Library Thank you for returning any books that you may have borrowed from the lending library. If a book has given you exceptional comfort, please recommend its title to our steering committee or donate it with your child s name inscribed. Remember to visit the Frankfort TCF website at www.tcffrankfortky.org and Facebook page The Compassionate Friends/Frankfort, Kentucky for additional comfort. Page 4

Our Beloved Children Remembered Lighting a candle, cherishing a birth 10/3 Wayne Phillips, son of Helen Thompson 10/5 Caitlin Briane Mehegan, daughter of James & DeAnna Mehegan 10/10 Aryn Jo Hyman, daughter of Joseph & Patti Hyman 10/10 Steven Casebier, son of the late Sarah Casebier, sibling to Sarah Jean Goodwin 10/12 Nathan Smith, son of Hugh & Carol Smith 10/20 Chris Nesselrode, child of Susan Nesselrode 10/21 Justin Malena, son of Laura Malena 10/23 Brianna Borwig, daughter of John and Kim Borwig 10/23 Karen Jo Glass Mauro, daughter of Jim and Joan Glass 10/25 James Martin Wright, son of Lillian Head Lighting a candle, remembering a life 10/1 Jo Button, child Marcy Holladay 10/4 Stephen M. Howard, son of Deborah Howard/Steve Carson, brother of Candice & Austin 10/10 Aryn Jo Hyman, daughter of Joseph & Patti Hyman 10/10 Travis Cheak, son of Ron & Suzan Cheak 10/11 Amy Farmer, daughter of Joe & SueAnne Armistead 10/11 Wesley Badgett II, son of Jack & Pat Badgett 10/25 Jacob Hutcheson, son of Larry & Karen Cantrell 10/25 Aaron Cockrell, son of Jennifer Cockrell The Birth and death of our loved ones are always very difficult. Please remember to include these families in your thoughts on their very difficult day. It would be nice to give these families a phone call or send them a card saying, I am thinking of you. ABOUT OUR REMEMBRANCE PAGE WE MUST HAVE WRITTEN PERMISSION FROM PARENTS/FAMILIES BEFORE PRINTING BIRTHDAY AND REMEMBRANCE INFORMATION IN THE CHAPTER NEWSLETTER. WHEN YOU COME TO A MEETING, YOU ARE ASKED TO FILL OUT A SHORT INFORMATION FORM, ON WHICH YOU GIVE PERMISSION TO INCLUDE YOUR CHILD ON THIS PAGE. WE WANT ALL INFORMATION TO BE ACCURATE. TO MAKE CORRECTIONS OR ADDITIONS PLEASE WRITE TO NEWSLETTER EDITOR OR EMAIL AT THE ADDRESS SHOWN ON PAGE 1 OF THIS NEWSLETTER. PLEASE HAVE INFORMATION BY THE 20TH OF THE MONTH THE MONTH PRIOR TO THE MONTH IN WHICH YOU WANT IT INCLUDED. Page 5

THE MISSION OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS: WHEN A CHILD DIES, AT ANY AGE, THE FAMILY SUFFERS INTENSE PAIN AND MAY FEEL HOPELESS AND ISOLATED. THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS PROVIDES HIGHLY PERSONAL COMFORT, HOPE, AND SUPPORT TO EVERY FAMILY EXPERIENCING THE DEATH OF A SON OR A DAUGHTER, A BROTHER OR A SISTER, OR A GRANDCHILD, AND HELPS OTHERS BETTER ASSIST THE GRIEVING FAMILY. The Compassionate Friends Of Frankfort, KY PO Box 4075 Frankfort, KY 40604-4075 Page 6