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A TIME TO KEEP SILENCE There are some things better left unsaid. 1. JAM 3:1-10 deals with the need to control the tongue. a. The man that does not offend in word is a perfect man. i. As a believer spiritually matures, his control over his tongue will increase. ii. The more you control your tongue, the more perfect you are. b. The man who bridles his tongue is able to control the whole body. c. Although the tongue is a little member, its effects are great. d. The tongue is a fire capable of bringing about great destruction both to ourselves and to others. e. The tongue is capable of so much evil that it is called a world of iniquity. f. The tongue defiles the whole body. i. Sinful passions are enflamed and vented by the tongue. ii. The verbal expression of evil thoughts will intensify their appeal. iii. ECC 5:6 Suffer not thy mouth to cause thy flesh to sin... g. Considering the power of the tongue, were we to control it, we would be more successful in controlling our other passions. h. Unlike all kinds of animals, the tongue can no man tame. It requires the power of God to control the tongue. i. In view of James' arguments, we should make it a chief objective to bridle the tongue. i. To bridle the tongue is to control its use rather than not using it at all. ii. In order to bring the tongue under control, we need to recognize that there is a time to keep silence, and a time to speak (ECC 3:7). j. This study today centers of the time to keep silence 2. Christ taught that we shall give an account for every idle word we speak (MAT 12:36-37). a. Idle Of actions, feelings, thoughts, words, etc.: Void of any real worth, usefulness, or significance; leading to no solid result; hence, ineffective, worthless, of no value, vain, frivolous, trifling. b. If what you have to say can be described as idle, then this is a time to keep silence. 3. Gaining the mastery of your tongue will be hugely beneficial to your livelihood (PRO 18:20). a. What you say can get you a job, a promotion, or a raise. b. What you say can also cost you a job, a promotion, or a raise. c. Therefore, it is wise to know when to speak and when not to speak. 4. Scripture warns against unrestrained openness in communication. a. PRO 10:19 In the multitude of words there wanteth not sin: but he that refraineth (restrain) his lips is wise. b. PRO 13:3 He that keepeth his mouth keepeth his life: but he that openeth wide his lips shall have destruction. c. PRO 17:27 He that hath knowledge spareth his words: and a man of understanding is of an excellent spirit. 28 Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding. d. PRO 21:23 Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue keepeth his soul from troubles. e. PRO 29:11 A fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards. f. PRO 29:20 Seest thou a man that is hasty in his words? there is more hope of a fool than of him. A Time to Be Silence Page 1

g. JAM 1:19 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. h. ECC 5:3 a fool's voice is known by multitude of words. i. The foregoing verses are all pointing to the fact that there is a time to keep silence. It is not wise to tell everything. Some things are better left unsaid. 5. The following sayings embody the wisdom of knowing when to keep silent. a. There are quotes cited by Dr. Peter Ruckman in his commentary on Proverbs 17:27: i. Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, refuses to give evidence of it ii. He can never speak well who cannot hold his peace. iii. Silence is a hard argument to refute. iv. As a man grows older and wiser, he talks less and says more. b. There is always time to add a word, never to withdraw one. Balthasar Gracian. c. The less said, the less needs mending. Aunt Nell d. LESS IS MORE and the less you say, the more powerful it becomes. Your stand is weakened by much words. Our Lord said "thou sayest" and kept it to THEIR WORDS without self-defense. Judy Masching My version of this is: Fewer words result in greater power. 6. There are things that should be kept secret rather than being broadcast openly (PRO 12:23; 25:9-10; 11:13). It is not wise to tell everything you know. 7. From the foregoing we may conclude that honesty in communication does not necessarily demand that you tell everything you think, feel, know, or intend. a. You can tell the truth without telling everything (JER 38:24-28 with JER 37:20). b. For example, if you do not plan to work for the rest of your life at your current job, you do not have to announce that to your boss. Announcing your intention to eventually leave could cost you a raise or a promotion. Just do the best job you can today. The truth is, none of us know what tomorrow will bring. 8. A lot of unnecessary talk arises from the feeling that we need to justify our actions to others. a. For example, have you ever given someone an explanation as to why you were not available to take their phone call, even when no explanation was asked for? i. First of all, no one has the right to expect you to always be available to answer the phone, even when you have a mobile phone! ii. Your phone is your property to do with as you will, to answer or not to answer (MAT 20:15). If you do not want to answer it, that is your right. iii. A way to save time, breath, and possibly minutes on your mobile phone, is simply to state that you are returning the person s call with no further explanation. b. As they who, for every slight infirmity, take medicine to repair their health, impair it; so they who, for every trifle, are eager to vindicate their character, weaken it. c. While we should so live so as not to give occasion to our adversary to speak reproachfully (1TI 5:14; TIT 2:7-8), this does not require us to engage in endless justification of our actions in order to keep people from drawing the wrong conclusions. i. Do not assume responsibility for everything that someone might think of you. ii. Others have a responsibility not to imagine evil against you (ZEC 7:10; 8:17). iii. Don t be quick to put the worst construction on another person s actions. iv. It is men of corrupt minds who indulge evil surmisings (1TI 6:4-5). 1. Surmising The framing of conjectures; suspicion, especially of evil. A Time to Be Silence Page 2

2. Evil surmisings are suspicions of evil not based on sufficient proof. v. Remember, charity is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil (1CO 13:5). 9. Too much talking is often a manifestation of anxiety, of nervous energy. It is more of a compulsive habit. a. This is the very opposite of peace. The compulsive talker needs to learn to keep silence or, as the Scriptures put it, to hold his peace (MAR 14:61). b. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something. Plato c. Such persons need to deal develop inner quietness and peace (ISA 30:15; PHI 4:6-7). When the heart and mind calm down, the mouth calms down as well. 10. When you give too much explanation to an accuser, you give them more to use against you. Hence keeping silence is often the best way to respond to an accuser. a. This explains why Christ kept silence before His accusers (MAT 26:62-63; 27:12-14). Nothing He said was going to convince them anyway. They only wanted to accuse. b. There was once a church member who received a scathing letter from a family member about her not celebrating Christmas. It was obvious from the letter that the family member was not open to understanding her position. The family member did not inquire; he attacked. I advised the member to simply ignore the letter and say nothing. Remember, silence is a hard argument to refute. This was a time to keep silence. When given an opportunity, the member provided help and acted as if nothing had ever been said. It turned out that with time, the matter was dropped and the family member is now affirming their love for this member. 11. This principle of a time to keep silence can also apply to a common situation in which two people are close friends and then one pulls away without explaining why. a. Although there are times when an explanation might be warranted, there are other times when the reason(s) are best left unsaid. b. Although pulling back without an explanation may hurt the other, it may hurt less to say nothing than to explain why. In life, sometimes our choice is not between hurt and no hurt, but rather between more hurt and less hurt. c. While we must receive all of our brethren in the Lord and perform the services of Christian brotherhood to them (ROM 15:7), we do not have to become chief friends with all of them. i. A friend is defined as one joined to another in mutual benevolence and intimacy. ii. There are varying degrees of friendship; we are more intimate with some than others. iii. The Scripture speaks of "familiar friends" (JOB 19:14), "inward friends" (JOB 19:19), and "chief friends" (PRO 16:28). iv. Inward, chief friendship requires the right chemistry, and an investment of time and energy to cultivate. v. We have only a limited capacity for familiar, inward, chief friends. vi. It takes two people who want familiar friendship in order to form it. It is not something that can be forced. 1. One has a right of choice here that must be respected. No one owes you familiar friendship. 2. If you try to force intimate friendship with someone who does not reciprocate, you will get hurt. A Time to Be Silence Page 3

3. It is better to be distant and friendly than to be enemies (GEN 13:8-9). vii. The failure to achieve or maintain intimate friendship provides you with an opportunity for personal growth. 1. If the person that disappointed you is in need and you rise above your disappointment to meet that need that makes you a better person. 2. You show that you are not confining yourself to your personal disappointment and hurt. This is charity in action. d. While a person might pull out of a relationship and say nothing just to be mean and spiteful, it is not always necessarily the case. e. If a person pulls away from you without explaining why, consider several of the myriad of good reasons why they are choosing to keep silence about what they are doing. i. They may be trying to spare you from being hurt. Perhaps there is something about you they just aren t compatible with, but it is not worth making an issue over. They can still work harmoniously with you in the workplace or fellowship with you in the church. They just can t be your familiar friend. If the person is not cursing you or slandering you, and if they are being courteous to you in greeting you and returning casual conversation, you had best leave it alone. ii. Or the person may be so preoccupied with other things that they haven t sufficient time and energy anymore for the relationship. iii. The person may have personal problems that they choose not to disclose. You may think that they should tell you as a friend what they are struggling with, but they may already know how you would try to help and that is not the help they need or want. Instead they say nothing so as to avoid either hurting your feelings or having an argument because they are rejecting your help. 1. We are allowed to bear our own burdens without necessarily bringing other people into it. We may seek their help, but we do not have to. 2. People have a right to choose the help they want. 3. Scripture sternly warns against being busybodies in other men's matters (1PE 4:15). a. Busybody - An officious or meddlesome person; one who is improperly busy in other people's affairs. b. Officious - Doing or ready to do kind offices; eager to serve or please; attentive, obliging, kind. Unduly forward in proffering services or taking business upon oneself; doing, or prone to do, more than is asked or required; interfering with what is not one's concern; meddlesome. c. Meddlesome - Given to meddling or interfering. d. Meddle - To concern or busy oneself, to deal with, of; to interspose, take part in. Now always expressive of disapprobation, to concern oneself or take part interferingly. 4. There are some things that you had best not be concerned about unless that concern is sought. 5. By definition you can be a busybody by insisting on helping others when your help is neither requested nor required. A Time to Be Silence Page 4

6. As for wanting to know about a person s problem so you can pray about it, you can pray prayers that will address the person s problem without your knowing the problem. The prayer our Lord taught us to pray covers a wide range of needs (MAT 6:9-13). 7. Wanting to know everything about a person is not about friendship. It is about control! 8. Some people cannot be close friends with others without trying to control them. That is one sure fire way to strangle a friendship to death! iv. Or the person may have personal sin problems that the relationship is stirring up that they are embarrassed to admit to you. It could be a problem with envy, lust, or inordinate affection. v. Or it could be a case of the pastor recognizing that the familiarity is breeding contempt that could compromise the effectiveness of his ministry to you. f. If a person pulling away from you offends you to the degree that you can t let it go, then you may have to confront them. But bear in mind, you could be opening yourself up to being hurt. If you ask them if you have offended them and they say no, then accept that and let it alone. If you tell them you don t believe that, they you have called them a liar. That is definitely not the way to rebuild a relationship! If they are lying, let God deal with them. g. If there has been a lot of strife in a relationship, or if there is the potential for a lot of strife, it may be best just to back away and say nothing. i. Explanations offered when people are still very emotionally involved can possibly cause only more hurt. Emotions do not objectively analyze problems! ii. Strife is encouraged by meddling, by stirring it (PRO 17:14; 20:3). As the saying goes, learn to let sleeping dogs lie. 12. Remember, there is a time to keep silence. There are some things better left unsaid. A Time to Be Silence Page 5