Intimacy, Transcendence, and Psychology

Intimacy, Transcendence, and Psychology

Intimacy, Transcendence, and Psychology Closeness and Openness in Everyday Life Steen Halling

intimacy, transcendence, and psychology Copyright Steen Halling, 2008. Softcover reprint of the hardcover 1st edition 2008 978-0-230-60045-4 All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. First published in 2008 by PALGRAVE MACMILLAN 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010 and Houndmills, Basingstoke, Hampshire, England RG21 6XS. Companies and representatives throughout the world. PALGRAVE MACMILLAN is the global academic imprint of the Palgrave Macmillan division of St. Martin s Press, LLC and of Palgrave Macmillan Ltd. Macmillan is a registered trademark in the United States, United Kingdom and other countries. Palgrave is a registered trademark in the European Union and other countries. ISBN 978-0-230-61964-7 ISBN 978-0-230-61025-5 (ebook) DOI 10.1057/9780230610255 Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available from the Library of Congress. A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library. Design by Macmillan India Ltd. First edition: January 2008 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

To the memory of my parents, Poul Halling and Margit Halling

Contents Acknowledgments ix Introduction: On the Disappearance and Appearance of Persons 1 1 Seeing a Significant Other As if for the First Time 15 2 On Being Disillusioned by a Significant Other 41 3 Forgiving Another, Recovering One s Future 81 4 Experiencing the Humanity of the Disturbed Person 107 5 On the Study of Human Experience 143 6 Interpersonal Relations and Transcendence 177 7 Psychology, Transcendence, and Everyday Life 201 Notes 217 Name Index 239 Subject Index 245

Acknowledgments As this manuscript nears completion, I am mindful of the colleagues and friends who have so graciously contributed to this project over the past several years and whose encouragement has meant a great deal to me. Often, gratitude is described as a debt. However, for me, it is a blessing. It is a reminder of the care, energy, and interest of thoughtful people. I list them in no particular order. Thank you to Jennifer Ferguson, my research assistant during the year I worked on the first part of the manuscript. She approached the task of reviewing what I had written, with intelligence, tact, and genuine interest. I am especially grateful to Mical Sikkema, who has patiently gone through a number of drafts of the chapters of this book and has helped me to become a clearer and more accessible writer. She has also offered muchneeded perspective and encouragement on numerous occasions. Christie Lynk understood from the beginning what I was trying to do and has graciously and generously supported me along the way. Judy Dearborn Nill, fellow writer and friend, has been an invaluable resource in a number of ways, and especially as I developed my prospectus. She has also shown me that writing takes grit and persistence. Karen Lutz, our highly literate administrative assistant in the Psychology Department at Seattle University, has done a remarkable job of proofreading a major portion of this manuscript. My colleague Lane Gerber provided helpful input and suggestions on Chapter 2, especially on Heinz Kohut s theory. I am also grateful to Chris Mackie, who has patiently read and provided constructive criticism on drafts of each of the seven chapters. And Marie McNabb s comments on the first few chapters pushed me to think beyond what I had taken for granted. Also, thank you to Karen Litfin, who provided suggestions and encouragement during our quarterly walks around Greenlake in Seattle. I am fortunate to know Neil Elgee, the President of the Ernest Becker Foundation, and have benefited from his comments on my discussion of Becker in Chapter 6.

x Acknowledgments Thank you to Jeanette Valentine for reading and commenting on Chapter 5. Thank you, as well, to Mary Sacco for her help in constructing the index. The Psychology Department at Seattle University is an unusually hospitable place. The faculty represents a broad range of approaches to psychology, and we work together as members of a genuine scholarly and collegial community. This is a rarity in academia, and I consider myself fortunate to be part of this department. There are two of my colleagues in particular whom I want to acknowledge. It was George Kunz s vision of a graduate program in existential-phenomenological psychology that originally brought me to Seattle University, and it is within the context of teaching in this graduate program that I developed most of the ideas expressed in this book. Since 1984 I have collaborated with my late colleague Jan O. Rowe on numerous research projects, including three studies on the psychology of forgiveness. I am deeply grateful to Jan for these years of dialogue and shared learning even as I mourn her passing. Over the years I have benefited from conversations with my colleagues James Risser (Philosophy) and Michael Raschko (Theology) at Seattle University, Brayton Polka (History) at York University, and Thomas Trzyna (English) at Seattle Pacific University. These conversations have broadened my understanding of scholarship, and I am grateful to all of them. Thank you as well to the members of PRAG House, the other community to which I belong. Over the years I have worked on this project, my fellow residents in this intentional community have shown their interest and support by inquiring gently, but not too often, as to how my book was coming along. My partner Kathryn Carson has also been a great source of support during the writing of this book. I am very appreciative of her understanding of how important this project has been for me. I want to express my appreciation to the staff of Palgrave Macmillan with whom I have had the pleasure of working as this project has been brought to completion: to Amanda Moon, who was my first editor, and her successor, Brigitte Shull, both of whom have been gracious and supportive, to Katie Fahey, who has responded quickly and patiently to my many questions, and to the staff of Macmillan India, who have done much to improve the clarity of the manuscript through their attention to detail and nuance. Finally, I am grateful to all of the people who have shared their stories with me. I only hope that I have at least begun to do justice to the richness and depth of their experience.