Cafe church talk Family Pressures: Co-Parenting and Peer Pressure Intro We need a license for fishing or driving a car or owning a dog or a cat But for bringing a human being into the world and being a parent we don t need a license or any training Yet we do have a training manual for life that God has given us called the Bible The Bible is not ancient and irrelevant as some might think The Bible Basic instructions before leaving earth [Powerpoint 1 B.I.B.L.E.] Think of any problem or situation today and it's in the bible Here s what the Bible says about itself: Quote 2 Tim 3:16-17 [Powerpoint 2 2 Tim 3:16-17] 16 All Scripture [Bible] is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, 17 so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work. The Bible addresses every topic It s not irrelevant - just often ignored For example, the Bible says marriage is between a man and a woman [Powerpoint 3-Gen 2:24] 24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. [Gen 2:24] How about that Marriage between - a man and a woman that s a topic for another day Unfortunately as well as marriage we have divorce and separation in our society today too! What does the Bible say about divorce? See Mal 2:16: [Powerpoint 4 Mal 2:16]
16 The man who hates and divorces his wife, says the LORD, the God of Israel, does violence to the one he should protect, says the LORD Almighty. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful. So God doesn t approve of divorce Although the Bible has several examples of people being divorced Here s what Jesus says about divorce in Matt 19:8 [Powerpoint 5 Matt 19:8] Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. So divorce and separation was not how God intended marriage to end it was supposed to be forever Divorce and separation are examples of people breaking God s rules just like lying and stealing and jealousy and not respect your mum and dad and not worshipping God The Bible calls breaking God s rules - SIN Any sin has consequences some consequences are more difficult and last longer than others The bottom line is because of Sin we are living in a broken world with broken people broken relationships with each other and a broken relationship with God [Powerpoint 6 Sin=Broken world = Broken people] So what do we do when we re in the situation of co-parenting? Co-parenting I suppose we should define it: [Powerpoint 7 Co-parents) Mum and Dad (married) Mum and Dad (separated) Mum and Dad (divorced) Single Mum (Dad not in the picture much) Single Dad (Mum not in the picture much) Mum and Dad (and step mum) Mum and Dad (and step dad) Mum and step Dad and Dad and Step mum Dad and Dad
Mum and Mum Australian Stats 1 in 3 marriages end in divorce 60% of 2 nd marriages fail So there s a lot of people in this co-parenting situation The 1st step is for us to be healed we can t be any good for anyone including our children unless we are okay ourselves [Powerpoint 8a Healed and James 5:16] The Bible says we can be healed by confessing the sin that offends God and others See James 5:16 16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. [Powerpoint 8b John 3:16] And the Bible says that God loves us and Jesus died so we can be right with God: John 3:16 16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. [Powerpoint 8c Romans 5:8] Rom 5:8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. [Powerpoint 8d Romans 8:1] Rom 8:1 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, Step 2 is forgiveness If God doesn t condemn us we shouldn t beat ourselves up about the past either And we also need to forgive the other party [if there is one involved] rather than having a grudge Jesus puts it this way in Matthew 6:14-15
[Powerpoint 9 Forgiveness] 14 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Forgive them - even if they haven't fully apologized We shouldn t be holding grudges or looking for revenge Leave any revenge to God see Rom 12:19: 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God s wrath, for it is written: It is mine to avenge; I will repay, says the Lord. Heather and I both been married before We have 4 children between us I have 3 children (one son and 2 daughters) from my 1 st marriage and Heather has 1 daughter from her 1 st marriage So we are the typical Blended Family and are both involved in co-parenting And let me say from the offset it s hard work very hard work Even now where our youngest child is 26 and the oldest is 33 it s still hard work Primarily because of the consequences of the marriage breakup we were involved in and because we are broken people in a broken world So what are the typical problems blended families, co-parents and single parents are likely to face? 1. Two households and Two different sets of rules [Powerpoint 10 2 Households] This is a biggy! It s important that in your home you maintain your rules If children try to bring rules from their other home, you need stand firm and be loving about this and explain we have our rules in our house and the other parent has their rules in their house. And explain we don t try to change the rules in their other house so no one should try to change the rules in ours. We have lots of places where kids have different rules to home like school, scouts, guides and church kids clubs etc. If a parent is remarried and their raising children from different marriages both parents living in the same house - need to be united in their approach to parenting If the children get a sniff of one parent being a little less strict on things they ll play the ace card Mum said it was okay Dad said it was okay When you are raising children which are both your own children and step children in the same house don t play favourites God loves all children equally God doesn t play favourites
We only need to look at the story of Joseph and his brothers to see what problems that caused Unfortunately this is very tricky because your birth children won t understand why you treat them equal with your step children they will expect preferential treatment It s probably the most difficult area that Heather and I have faced in the last 21 years and still do even this week We need to foster inclusion and acceptance to bring togetherness Having family prayer times helps the children to understand that we can take our problems to God for help and helps the children to understand each other s problems and they will start to pray for each other rather than just for their own stuff Also organize regular family bible times so the children can learn about God about Jesus and about life What they learn as children will never be forgotten children are like sponges when it comes to soaking up information Heather and I have found ourselves using the phrase Play the Straight Bat A cricketing term for dealing with difficult balls bowled at you if you play a straight bat to a bouncer or a spin ball you hopefully won t edge the ball and get caught at slip or by the wicketkeeper In Bible terms it means maintain our Christian standards no matter what comes your way [Powerpoint 11 2 Households and 2 sets of rules] See Phil 3:16 16 Let us live up to what we have already attained. In other words keep modelling Jesus no matter what comes your way Ensure your prayer life is consistent; see 1 John 5:14-15: 14 This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. 15 And if we know that he hears us whatever we ask we know that we have what we asked of him. 2. Poisoning Sometimes one parent, out of revenge or bitterness will try and poison the mind of the child against the other parent [Powerpoint 12 Poisoning] A child might arrive from the other home and say things like: Mum said you I don t have to listen to you or Mum said you don t love us because you won t pay for our school trip Remember that as parents, we are the adults and so we should act like adults and do away with childish behaviour See 1 Cor 13:11:
11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. If child brings poison from other house do correct it - but don't retaliate To use another cricketing term let the bouncer go through to the keeper don t hit out at the poison Remember the child loves parents equally, it's not their fault you broke up but they might blame themselves If you say stuff about their other parent they won t like it and it will hurt them, their ideal is for their parents to be still together and they love each parent equally and they don t want to make that choice and shouldn t have to [Powerpoint 13 Hands] I m an only child and one thing my mum did when I was a child was to ask me who did I love the most her or Dad I hated her asking me that don t get me wrong she was the best Mum I could wish for but as parents we all make mistakes when Mum asked me that I d say I love the both of you the same It s much better for parents to work together (even if in different house) and cooperate rather than working against each other - but stand firm on Gods rules don t compromise on them Recently my daughter, Jennifer did a walk across Spain on the trip should took seriously ill even at age 30 she is still my daughter and I had to speak to her Mum a few times as we talked through what she might do Before dealing with an ex-wife or ex-husband on difficult issues get rid of any emotion and damaging thoughts and pray before talking to an ex - See 2 Cor 10:5 Apostle Paul says this: [Powerpoint 14 Poisoning] 5 Demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. In other words ask yourself what would Jesus say right now? What would Jesus do right now? [Powerpoint 15 Poisoning] When negative and hostile thoughts consume you and you feel like lashing out pray and remember Phil 4:8:
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable if anything is excellent or praiseworthy think about such things. 3. Step-Parenting Step parents face 2 major problems [Powerpoint 16 Step Parenting] They face objections from the step child and will often hear stuff like: You re not my Dad you can t tell me what to do! And they face the problem that the birth parent in the other house thinks the stepparent is trying to steal their child and replace them. The birth parent gets very insecure about this Overcoming these 2 problems is very difficult It requires a great deal of patience, prayer and support from your partner The step parent must foster a good relationship with the child develop a friendship a reassure the child that you are not stealing them that their birth parents are still their Mum and Dad and you are there to support them and help them in any way you can but you will never replace their Mum and Dad To enter into an argument with the child on this will not work and will only exasperate (frustrate and annoy) the child and embitter (alienate breakdown the relationship) The Apostle Paul helps us with this: Parents, do not exasperate [Frustrate and annoy] your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. (Eph 6:4) The Apostle Paul helps us with this: Parents, do not embitter [Alienate or push away] your children, or they will become discouraged (Colossians 3:21) 4. Dependable Parents Parents are stewards of the children that have been gifted to them by God and God holds each steward accountable for the child s care. So parents need to be dependable; see 1 Cor 4:2:
[Powerpoint 17 trustworthy] 2 Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful A dependable parent will fulfil all obligations legal or otherwise in a timely way, without hassle, and without using the children as pawns or weapons to manipulate the other parent Any court orders, child support commitments should be honoured If a parent receives child support it would be nice to inform the other parent how this money was used for the child Both parents should be able to have informative talks about a child s health and wellbeing. Don t keep the other parent in the dark. The other parent shouldn t find out what school the child is going to from the child. The other parent should not find out the child has been sick or in hospital from the child on the next visit Any if the other parent isn t doing the right thing you should continue to do the right thing See Rom 12:21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. 5. Respect Lastly there s respect In our bodies we have a lethal weapon The tongue The apostle James reminds us of the damage our tongues can do: See James 3:3-6 [Powerpoint 18 James] 3 When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. 4 Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. 5 Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. 6 The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. Our words can cause so much damage can t they? We need to operate with some self-control whether speaking to our children or the other parents
Paul advises us in Ephesians 4:29 [Powerpoint 19 Eph 4:29/Phil 2:4] Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Despite what might have gone on in the past for the children s benefit we need to be respectful to the other parent If you go into any public school classroom there will be rules posted on the wall like Respect each other respect yourself We need to respect the need of the child to have the other parent in their lives See Phil 2:4 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. Respect the other parent s right to be involved in decisions and events concerning the children Respect the fact that parenting is always a difficult job whatever the circumstances and understand that all parents make mistakes! Peer Pressure Before we finish up then let s briefly look at Peer Pressure [Powerpoint 20 Peer Pressure] Definition: Influence from people of your own age or in the same group as you A child will come home and say Joey s mum lets him have Facebook Joey s mum lets him have a mobile phone he s only 7 years old Lisa s family went to Disneyland how come we only ever go camping in Dubbo every year? Or Johnnie s Dad gives him a beer even though he s underage why can t you let me have a beer? And so Young people are pressured into underage drinking, underage smoking, stealing, fighting, to have sex, to take drugs and so on
Peer pressure is nothing new it s in the 3 rd chapter of the 1 st book of the Bible: [Powerpoint 21-Nothing New Gen 3] 2 The woman said to the serpent, We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, 3 but God did say, You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die. 4 You will not certainly die, the serpent said to the woman. 5 For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil. 6 When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. (Genesis 3:2-6) The Bible clearly states that our lives (as believers in Jesus) should not be like the lives of people in this world (who are not believers in Jesus). As Christians, we only passing through this world this world is not our home heaven is: 11-12 Friends, this world is not your home, so don t make yourselves cosy in it. Don t indulge your ego at the expense of your soul. Live an exemplary life among the natives so that your actions will refute their prejudices. Then they ll be won over to God s side and be there to join in the celebration when he arrives. (1 Peter 2:11=12 MSG) So the idea is for us not to act like those who don t follow God and in doing so some might change and follow God s way instead of their own way! So how do we get help for our children to avoid peer pressure? [Powerpoint 22 Peer Pressure] Well it has to come from the Bible that s God s user manual for life Proverbs 13:20 (MSG) says: Become wise by walking with the wise; hang out with fools and watch your life fall to pieces. So make sure your children hang out with the other children who do the right thing After all who are we trying to please other people or God that s what Paul says in Galatians 1:10
10 Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. And Peter and the apostles say similar in Acts 5:29 We must obey God rather than human beings! As we encourage our children to obey God and follow Jesus and not follow the world s ways they will still face bad stuff and pressure and teasing and ridicule and they might be put on the outer But explain to them the story of Joseph he followed God s ways and everything worked out in the end [Powerpoint 23 Peer Pressure/Rom 8:28] As we look at the Jesus life he followed God s plan even to death and God s plan worked out in the end 28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Rom 8:28) Any questions Let s pray