FAMILY LED DEATH CARE

FAMILY LED DEATH CARE When my mom, Harriet, died in 2007 we did not hire and did not need a licensed funeral director. Would I do it again? Without hesitation, I would! Our family-led death care and funeral provided financial benefits that were great, but the opportunity to give final gifts to my mom and the personal healing I received from these actions was a far greater benefit! Our burial preparation costs were under $200. We had a cemetery grave lot already, and having the grave digger and services at the church made no difference in price. We drove mom s body from Texas to Minnesota in our truck, and that had a cost, but then two of us didn t need to buy plane tickets. Mom was on hospice service and died in our home; that made it easier than in might have been under other circumstances. We knew death was imminent. Mom had lived for nearly 94 years, but still death of a mom is painful. Thanks to AMBIS (the Austin Memorial and Burial Information Society), the FCA (Funeral Consumer Alliance) affiliate in Austin, TX, we learned that we could have a "family-led" funeral. Though AMBIS I learned about Sandy Booth and Donna Belk, now organized as the Texas Home Funerals (texashomefunerals.com); their experience and coaching enabled me to comfortably proceed without a licensed funeral director. My brother and I are not finish-carpenters, but we made a simple hope chest (i.e. casket) by ourselves, using plywood, 2x2s, screws and metal handles. Tips from Donna helped immediately after mom s death, such as instructions on how to keep her eyes and jaw closed. We didn't embalm mom; we did lovingly washed her body and anointed it, amidst tears. With guided conversation from Donna, we shared fun personal memories, rendered loving expressions, and used Lutheran prayers and rituals with the help of our pastor. As an unlicensed funeral director, the Minnesota vault company would not sell me a grave liner (required by the cemetery), so I had contacted a local Texas funeral director whom I knew who sold me the liner, gratefully for half the normal mortician s price. Our grandsons and daughters helped us to carry the precious cargo in the hope chest from our patio to our truck the next morning. We covered the chest with a home-made quilt and a tarp for weather protection and secured it to the bed of our pick-up truck. Obtaining a transit permit from the county seat court house, we were off the next day to Minnesota. The drive with my daughter was also memorable and bonding for both of us. Home funerals are a return to the way death was met when mom was a child. It need not be scary, but it calls for lots of preparation and thinking. Our choice enabled us to have practices and timings of our choice; we were not led by a funeral director s timelines. In exploring what it could have cost us, with airline charges and multiple funeral homes, our method resulted in a saving of $10,000 for our family, but more important was its value for me - the experience of giving those final gifts of love. At mom s funeral the two comments that we often heard was I didn t know you could do this and This was so personal and meaningful. Our home pastor was very receptive, but it was his first such experience. He is now interested in this natural method of death care and burial. Since then I have talked to many other people who have chosen this do it yourself process. With absolutely no exceptions all others who have done this and spoken to me have found this practice to be immensely therapeutic and very positive and have also said "I would do it that way again." I would too! But pre-planning is essential. It takes a lot of time and preparation and sadly, in my view, very few people will exercise this option, because they don t know what they are missing or don t know they have this choice. ~ Rodger Erickson 1

Top left: Harriet and Rodger playing Scrabble, her favorite game. Top right: Two brothers build their mother s Hope Chest. Middle left: Closing Harriet s mouth and gently washing her just after she died. Middle right: Harriet is dressed in her favorite polka-dotted dress and family prepares to move her from the bed into her Hope Chest. Bottom left: Once placed on a foam pad covered by a quilt inside the Hope Chest her granddaughters place her favorite beads around her neck and place flowers in her hands. 2

3

Donna s Notes as Home Funeral Guide: 1-10-07 Sandy Booth and I had lunch at Central Market South from 12:45-2 p.m. As soon as we finished lunch I got a call that Harriet, Roger Erickson s mother had died. Since I was already at Central Market I went and purchased some dry ice and told the family that I would be out there by 4 p.m. I got there and there were quite a few people in attendance. Two pastor s from Roger s church, one hospice chaplain, two hospice nurses that were personal friends of Harriet, Roger s two daughters, three grandchildren and Roger s wife. Harriet was in a small room used as an office and she was in a hospital bed. Things were a little harried with all the people there so I waited until things calmed down. There was all this activity, but there was no one in the room with Harriet so I went in and sat at Harriet s bedside and just acquainted myself with her. I talked to her and went into meditation to see if I could tell where she was at energetically. She seemed fine to me, present, and having an amusing time with all the activity. I got a sense that she enjoyed the activity. Roger showed me the Hope Chest that he made with his brother for their mother. He said he told his mother about it and she was very pleased that he made it. Roger called it her Hope Chest because they were hoping for her redemption in the afterlife. It was a plain wood box and they finished it with a dark stain. They were going to put a jig saw puzzle of robins at one end of it, and then a friend was going to make some scrollwork for the other end of it. They intended to drive to Minnesota with Harriet to bury her there. The chest was lined inside with a thick foam pad that Roger said was on his mother and his dad s bed for all their married life. After a while the grandchildren were put to bed for their naps, and the rest of us gathered around Harriet s bed because Roger wanted communion done. Elroy, one of the minister s from Roger s church, did communion. He seemed nervous to be around a body. He fussed with the glasses, got his fingers all over the wafer we were supposed to eat, and his hands shook as he poured the wine into the tiny cups etc. Finally he was set up and he passed around the cups and read communion from the Bible. Then the other minister said a prayer and Roger said a prayer. We read the Apostle s Creed from the Bible. Roger asked the hospice chaplain to take photos because he wanted to share this with his brother who lived in a different state. She took lots of photos for the family. After the prayers Roger asked me for my help. I said that we would need two bowels of water and some wash cloths. His daughters went in the other room and quickly gathered those things. I talked about what an ancient process this was caring for the dead. And I asked that we work with presence and lovingness and that we might goof up or feel awkward and that was all part of the process. I asked Harriet to have a sense of humor with us as we went about washing the body. I asked Roger if he wanted to help wash the body (not knowing how intimate he was prepared to be with his mother) and he said yes. I handed him a wash cloth and he began washing Harriet s face. He washed a little and then he cried. He turned the wash cloth over to the hospice nurse who had cared for Harriet and she continued the washing. Roger got some letters that Harriet had written and he read those aloud as we continued the washing. It was a very nice background sound with the sacredness of the moment. We washed Harriet s face and arms and then turned her on her side to wash her back, etc. We finished the washing and the hospice nurses did most of the work. Harriet was covered with towels for modesty. I said that modesty was more for our benefit, and one of the hospice nurses said that Harriet was very modest and she would appreciate that. 4

Roger asked the preacher to do more prayers and we all gathered around Harriet s bed and held hands. The person on either side of Harriet put their hands on her shoulder so Harriet was included in the circle. One preacher read prayers from his book, but it was rote and cold in my opinion. He was just reading scripture and it seemed to have little to do with the situation at hand. Roger asked him to read the generational prayer and the preacher did that and it was a little more to the point. (must remember to ask Roger for copy of that prayer). Then after the minister from Roger s church quit reading, the hospice chaplain very quietly began to pray over Harriet. She didn t use a prayer book at all. She put her hands on Harriet s legs and spoke the most beautiful prayer from her heart asking God to surround Harriet as she made her way to Him, and that Harriet be surrounded by love and all the people that she loved that had gone before her. The hospice chaplain s prayer was so quiet, heartfelt and beautiful. It was very touching and created a very sacred feeling to the space. Sandy arrived at this point and joined us in the proceedings. I told Roger that I also had a blessing to read and looked in my book Pagan s Book of Living and Dying for it. I asked Roger who he would like to do the blessing for Harriet and he said he would like to do it. I put a few drops of lavender oil in his hands and asked him to rub his hands together and then to touch the parts of Harriet s body as I read the blessing. The blessing starts with, Bless these eyes that have looked upon us with such love, and then Roger touched his mother s eyes. We went through the whole blessing as we blessed Harriet from top to bottom. I left out some parts of the reading that I didn t think applied to the situation. When we finished with the blessing we dressed Harriet in her funeral outfit. I asked Sandy if she could coordinate the moving of the body into the coffin, and she got a sheet and instructed the people how to hold the sheet in order to move Harriet. There were three people on each side of Harriet and I was at Harriet s head to keep it lifted. Sandy led us out the back door to the waiting Hope Chest. We put Harriet in the chest and Roger covered her with a chenille blanket that was Harriet s and her husband s bedspread for many years. We placed the dry ice under her and then placed a pillow under her head. Harriet made pillows for her grandchildren with the fabric that was her wedding dress. There was one of these pillows under her head. Another prayer was said as she was laid in the hope chest. Then Roger put the lid on the hope chest and the next day was planning on starting the trip to take her back to Minnesota. People stayed around for a few minutes talking. One of the hospice nurses told me that she would never wash another body the same way she had that this experienced affected her so much and really showed her how beautiful a death could be. She said that she has only attended deaths where the body was taken away immediately, and that after seeing this she can t imagine doing it any other way. The hospice chaplain said she had no idea this type of funeral was possible and was so impressed by the sacredness of it. She said she was going to tell everyone she knew. 5