Eight Steps to Nurturing the Newlywed Nest The Family Tree T here are some great principles we can learn while watching the way in which birds build their homes, nurture their young and foster independence. Birds are experts when designing and building their own nests. Their nests can range from a simple nest of twigs to even more complex hanging nests. Nests provide a safe, hidden shelter and protection from the cold. The location of the nest is usually high in a tree or where it will be protected. They are also built on strong branches to provide a solid support. The mother bird carefully weaves grasses, twigs and scavenged materials over a fairly long period of time to complete the home. Many of their skills come from natural instinct and other skills from their ancestors for generations. Likewise, we can use these lessons in building our own nests. Each of our homes will vary physically in size, shape, materials and location. We will also 1
possess different skills passed down from ancestors as well as our own natural instincts that we develop. There are some simple steps we can follow to ensure that our children are nurtured, taught correct principles for protection and given the independence to build their own nest. Step One: From Our Nest to Their Nest I realize that those accessing this handout may still have young children at home, older children beginning to marry or you may be empty nesters. One of the first steps in teaching our children to build their own strong homes is exemplified in the home in which we have raised our own children. Solid homes are built with scripture study, family home evening, church attendance, love, harmony and selfless service. The strength of our homes as our children are growing will largely determine the strength of the future homes of our children and grandchildren for generations to come. Such homes will provide protection from outside influences and strengthen each individual member. Our homes should be a refuge. We should never feel we have failed if we did not teach our children ALL things to prepare them for marriage. Fortunately, we still have many opportunities to teach through our example and inspiration. So what is the purpose of continuing to nurture our married children? Some parents may feel that once the children have made the decision to marry, continue to nurture is not necessary. The definition of nurture is to; feed, to nourish, to educate, to bring or train up. It can still be our responsibility as parents to continue to nurture, support and love our children as they go on to build their own families. We hear frequently quoted the words of Paul to Timothy: This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come 2 Tim. 3:1. He then goes on to describe the conditions that will prevail. I think it is plainly evident that these latter days are indeed perilous times that fit the conditions that Paul described 2 Tim. 3:2 7. 2
(Gordon B. Hinckley, The Dawning of a Brighter Day, Liahona, May 2004, 81 84) They will be challenged by the current events and it is our duty to teach our children to survive in all conditions. We want them to be successful. I am concerned about family life in the Church. We have wonderful people, but we have too many whose families are falling apart. It is a matter of serious concern. I think it is my most serious concern (Pres Hinckley Notes His 85 th Birthday, Reminisces about Life, Church News, 24 June 1995, 6). We love our children and want to teach them how to live so that they can survive much like the parent birds love their babies. Newlyweds need the support of their family and parents as they make this transition. The counsel of the Savior was Thou shalt love thy wife with all they heart, and shall cleave unto her and none else. The words, none else eliminates everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes pre-eminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest or person nor things shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse. (The Teachings of Spencer W Kimball, pp 310-311) Some hatchings are painful. Many parents say they fear that the children will not be able to fly. There are other parents whose true fear lies in the fact that their children will be independent and will not be their babies anymore. Children have an inborn desire for independence and wise parents respect and respond to this need. This kind of parenting shows children that their independent thoughts and feelings are valued and matter. (Teaching Children Self- Regulation), www.foreveramilies.net) The Prophet Joseph Smith explained, I teach them correct principles, and they govern themselves. (Quoted by John Taylor, in The Organization of the Church, Millennial Star, Nov. 15, 1851, 339) Parents who try to micro-manage their adult children send a subtle message of a lack of faith and trust in their abilities. Step Two: Strengthening their Spiritual Wings 3
If given a job description for parenting, don t you think that we may be told that the main objective is to create children who are independent from you but completely dependent on the Savior? We can give our children a lot of material things but if we don t give them faith in Christ, we have done a strong disservice. Other suggestions are to: Teach them how to receive personal revelation. Help them recognize, feel, cultivate and keep the Spirit. Pray with them and for them. Help them recognize their answers. Send church magazine subscriptions if they are less active or may have tight financial budgets. Attend THEIR meetings. After offering and with permission you may consider attending to hear their talks, home enrichment nights, or ward functions. It is important that you do not ask them to attend your ward on a frequent basis but rather allow and support them in attending THEIR ward. Encourage and allow them to serve you, their family members, their neighbors, ward family and community. Service breeds unselfishness and provides a great source of joy. Share with them your faith-building experiences with gospel principles. Show that the temple is important by regular attendance yourself and supporting them with a family temple night or watching their younger children so that they can attend. Encouraging a weekly date night. You may offer inexpensive ideas or take the young children so that they can continue their nurturing their marriage on a frequent basis. FHE monthly as an extended family. As the grandchildren come you can offer to help them accomplish their YW Personal Progress program or Scouting goals. Offer Priesthood blessings. Encourage them/sustain them in keeping their covenants. Teach them to understand the doctrine of faith Share your testimony of Christ and gospel principles. Demonstrate how the teachings of Christ can help them in their daily lives by using scripture stories as solutions and examples. Have a family fast for family and extended family members. I knew a set of grandparents who had a savings account just for children/grandchildren to visit Nauvoo. 4
Teach them the purpose of gratitude. Teach as the Savior with examples, life lessons and bearing testimony. Birds learn how to fly much like a human toddler learns to walk. We are all successful with a combination of instinct and practice step by step. Step Three: Birds of a Feather Creating Unity Giving time is an important way of showing love and appreciation. A strong family finds that opportunities for quality time emerge from quantity of time: the more time you spend together, the better chance you have of sharing quality experiences. (Family Strengths: Time Together, www. Foreverfamilies.net) Healthy families have a good balance between too much and not enough time together. The Family Proclamation states, Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work and wholesome recreational activities. Some great ways of creating unity are: Support other s family activities Careful not to over plan/schedule. They must feel they are included but still have time to be alone and with the in-law s family. Allow them to spend time with all family members. Be realistic with your expectations. Be flexible during holidays. Celebrate a un-birthday or holidays not on the actual holiday. They have other family now to share those with as well. Design a coat of arms or a quote or scripture that will signify what the family stands for. This will be passed from generation to generation. Share genealogy and family and personal histories. Create and maintain family traditions. (See additional handout) Family dinners create great memories. 5
Family game nights. Family vacations and campouts. Growing a garden together. Start a project together. Plan a family reunion and delegate children to take turns. Step Four: Bird Calls Knowing their needs Each kind of bird has its own special calls, and getting to know the calls can help you recognize the different kinds of birds. In order to be perceptive to the needs of your children and their spouses, you must now them. This does not require constant bird watching but it does require that you pay attention. You may even think, He/She s a different bird. It is important that we embrace differences in all family members. This is where our patience and love must be fully developed and utilized. We can compliment and encourage our children and be interested in their interests. Be their friend and build on this friendship forever and ever while being ever available to them. A parent can help by listening, discussing options, and helping a child anticipate consequences. These important decisions cannot be made quickly, so parents need to be patient and supportive in the extended struggle of their loved ones. It is important to respect where each family member is spiritually and avoid comparison between siblings and spouses. We can avoid sibling rivalries between family members if we remember to avoid all comparisons which include appearance, personalities, strengths, weaknesses, talents, personal choices, occupations and financial conditions. You may have heard the old saying, a little birdie told me when repeating gossip. We must resolve to never divulge confidences or spread gossip especially about our family members. This can only breed poor family relationships and lead to contention within the family unit. 6
Step Five: Am I a Birdfeeder? Teaching rather than doing There are many parenting styles which are used while raising children. Some parents choose to do it for their children rather than teach. This type of parenting style does not create independent children but is extremely ineffective when they start families of their own. If you have ever watched a flock of seagulls in a city park you have probably noticed how they feed off the scraps of others rather than learning to fish or find food for themselves. They rely on someone else to provide. It is our duty to teach our kids self reliance and avoid being their birdfeeder. Children can try to feed off their parents financially, emotionally and spiritually. Teaching self reliance will breed self confidence that often comes in no other way. The trick is to know when to help or not help. It is important to use inspiration to know when and what is best in helping others. We are all self-reliant in some areas and dependent in others. Therefore, each of us should strive to help others in areas where we have strengths. At the same time, pride should not prevent us from graciously accepting the helping hand of another when we have a real need. To do so denies another person the opportunity to participate in a sanctifying experience. (Marion G. Romney, The Celestial Nature of Self- Reliance, Liahona, Mar 2009, 15 19) That does not mean that we can not assist or should assist our family members when in need. There are so many simple ideas. A common practice is to make dinner and send home leftovers. This can relieve a tight food budget. Isn t it interesting how they would never eat leftovers when living at home but welcome the chance to take leftovers home for another meal or lunch? 7
Step Six: Not the Money Tree Financial Independence I think it is unfortunate for a child to grow up in a home where the seed is planted in the child s mind that there is a family money tree that automatically drops green stuff once a week or once a month. ( One for the Money by Elder Marvin J Ashton, pg 8) Research shows that finances have a tremendous effect on family relationships and need to be considered a major part of the marital relationship. Finances ranked first or second in four surveys examing the causes of marital conflict. Financial struggles are one of the main causes of divorce. 89 % of all divorces can be traced to lack of sound financial principles (Managing Family Finances, www.foreverfamilies.net) For this reason it is important that we teach and exemplify sound principles of money management. The Church has produced a wonderful booklet entitled One for the Money by Elder Marvin J Ashton. This booklet can be found at the Church Distribution Center and shares twelve points that will help us to achieve and teach these goals. We can review these with our children and make sure that we are following these recommendations. Other ideas can include: Bear testimony of tithing and fast offerings and share your personal experience with those gospel principles. Encouraging them to complete their education. Share shopping skills that will save pennies which add up to dollars. Demonstrate the method of adding and rotating food storage 8
Step Seven: Birds and the Bees Marital Intimacy Tenderness and respect- never selfishness- must be the guiding principles in the intimate relationship between husband and wife. President Howard W Hunter, (Eternal Marriage Student Manual). We should prepare the love birds for the physical intimacies of marriage. We should go into more discussion than the mere birds and the bees talk. Unfortunately, infidelity and other sexual matters have contributed to the divorce rate of marriage couples. We must talk openly with them so that they understand the purposes of intimacy and that is ordained of God. President Kimball has explained: It is the destiny of men and women to join together to make eternal family units. In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself [between a husband and his wife], for by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in an expression of love (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1982], p. 311). True oneness in marriage is something that requires constant work, humility, unselfishness, and ultimately, the pure love of Christ. Step Eight: When They Fly South Bridging the Distance 9
Not everyone moves close to their parents. In fact, when polling people for this handout, a large majority of couples felt it was important to move away from parents. They thought it was especially important in the beginning so that you can establish a relationship where you both depend on each other rather than other family members. They felt it caused problems if you lived too close. It s a delicate time of balancing between being close and too close. Being separated by distance can also create major obstacles to building strong, resilient families because of limitations on the time the family spends together.women serve as a catalyst to connect extended family members. (Bridging the Miles: Long Distance Families), by Janet Fox and Leslie Crandall, Summer 2002, Vol. 7, No. 2) Letters, phone calls, videos, audiocassettes, sharing of school work and personal contact where possible all build bonds of love and friendship between the generations. Here are some other ideas: Family newsletter Create family websites. Designate family members to take turns to maintain the site or each may design their own blogs. Weekly conference calls-use 3 way calling Attend BYU Education Week, Women s conference or General Conference as an annual tradition Spiritual traditions. Family letters and cards Family reunions or planned vacations May we consider the art of raising pigeons when inspiring our children. Pigeons are a unique type of bird who possesses a strong instinct to return home. The key to training is to get the pigeon to recognize the loft as home, so it will always return. By letting it fly from the loft every day for a few weeks, it becomes oriented and is ready to go great distances, (The Nestlings of Heaven, by H Kent Rappleye, New Era, Oct 1979.) May we teach them to return to our home oft and more important return to their Heavenly home. 10