Session 7 Grieved God established the family for loving relationships; sin destroys them. 2 SAMUEL 13:15-20,31-39 As the power of sin is either progressively subdued in our lives or allowed to dominate our lives, our families will either be built up or torn down. God has established the family as a place where we are to love and be loved. Families thrive when members respond to one another in Christlike love. Sin, however, divides families and people. How much influence does family have on our spiritual lives? How can one s spiritual life impact his or her family? 64 S ug ge s t e d Use Week of October 15
UNDERSTAND THE CONTEXT 2 SAMUEL 13:1 14:33 We saw in last week s lesson that Nathan prophesied David s sin with Bathsheba would have dire consequences (2 Sam. 12:11-12). David s oldest son, Amnon, desired his half-sister, Tamar. Through a devious advisor named Jonadab, who was David s nephew, Amnon deceptively lured her into his bedroom and raped her. Afterwards, in spite of her pleas, he despised and dismissed her. Tamar took refuge with Absalom who instructed her to take a lowkey approach to what happened. Subsequent events showed that Absalom was motivated by retaliation (13:1-20). For two years, Absalom plotted revenge against Amnon and eventually had him killed by getting him drunk and instructing his servants to slay him. David had declined an invitation to the party at which this occurred but reluctantly allowed Amnon to go in his place. After the murder occurred, Absalom fled to the house of his maternal grandfather Talmi, the king of Geshur. David grieved for Amnon, who would have succeeded him on the throne. In spite of this, David also missed Absalom and longed to see him (13:21-39). In a manner similar to Nathan s approach to David in chapter 12, a woman from Tekoa, who had been enlisted by Joab, approached David with a story about her two sons (14:1-20). During a fight, one had killed the other and was now in jeopardy with the rest of the family who sought his death in retaliation. When David ordered the remaining son to be spared, in a manner similar to Nathan the woman applied his response to the situation regarding Absalom s exile. After determining that his commander-in-chief was the instigator of the woman s actions, David agreed to allow Absalom s return. However, he did not see him for two years after his return to Jerusalem (14:28). As you read 2 Samuel 13:15-20,31-39, look for actions that cause or lead to another action. How would you chart the cause and effects found in this passage? Session 7 : Grieved 65
EXPLORE THE TEXT SHATTERED (2 SAM. 13:15-20) 15 So Amnon hated Tamar with such intensity that the hatred he hated her with was greater than the love he had loved her with. Get out of here! he said. 16 No, she cried, sending me away is much worse than the great wrong you ve already done to me! But he refused to listen to her. 17 Instead, he called to the servant who waited on him: Get this away from me, throw her out, and bolt the door behind her! 18 Amnon s servant threw her out and bolted the door behind her. Now Tamar was wearing a longsleeved garment, because this is what the king s virgin daughters wore. 19 Tamar put ashes on her head and tore the long-sleeved garment she was wearing. She put her hand on her head and went away crying out. 20 Her brother Absalom said to her: Has your brother Amnon been with you? Be quiet for now, my sister. He is your brother. Don t take this thing to heart. So Tamar lived as a desolate woman in the house of her brother Absalom. VERSE 15 After deceitfully seducing and violating Tamar, Amnon immediately began to hate her with even greater intensity than his lust for her. He could have done the righteous thing and sought to marry Tamar. He could have been obedient to the Torah, which spelled out how a man in this situation was expected to act (Ex. 22:16-17). Yet his actions were not that of a man who was submissive to God and committed to holiness. All he had to say to her was Get out of here! No doubt her very presence confronted him with his sordid behavior. His so-called love (2 Sam. 13:4) was exposed as nothing more than lust. This is a story that has been repeated time and time again. VERSE 16 A major characteristic of love is gentleness. Amnon s abrupt dismissal of Tamar a cruel dismissal to be sure was the exact opposite of loving behavior. Four times in chapter 13, Tamar told Amnon don t or no. But Amnon completely disregarded her plea. True love never uses brute force with no consideration for the 66 Explore the Bible Personal Study Guide
other person s best interest. Families thrive when members respond to one another in love and kindness. Christ is the model for this behavior. Without it, though, a family is doomed. Tamar pled with Amnon to not add insult to injury by simply sending her away, which would have been much worse than the great wrong he had already inflicted on her. Sin frequently leads to more sin and the attempt to cover one s actions becomes the greater offense. To treat her in this way was to inflict even more shame and reproach on Tamar, but Amnon refused to listen to her. In what ways does sin lead to even greater sin? Give an example. VERSE 17 Nothing shatters a person s sense of identity and self-worth like that of being treated like an object. In loving relationships, people are treated as created in God s image, and as persons, not things. Amnon treated Tamar differently than that. In fact, after sexually assaulting her, he would not even address her by name (which he certainly knew) but rather only as an object. We see this when he said, Get this away from me! When people are treated as objects instead of persons, they become disposable. In failing to view every human being as someone who will live eternally, like Amnon, those with this viewpoint want to act as if others don t even exist. After his exploitation of Tamar, his only concern was to throw her out and bolt the door behind her! VERSES 18-19 To be treated as an object and a disposable commodity brings grief to anyone s heart. In addition to being violated and exploited, Tamar keenly felt the disdain of Amnon after his assault of her. As a violation of God s will and purpose, sin inevitably brings grief because it transgresses God s ideal plan for how life is best lived. Tamar demonstrated her grief by ripping the long-sleeved garment she was wearing, which was worn by the king s virgin daughters. This act branded herself as damaged goods, a woman who could not bring virginity to a marriage through no fault of her own. It also symbolized how Amnon s selfish abuse had torn her life apart. Session 7 : Grieved 67
VERSE 20 Absalom immediately realized something had happened to Tamar and sought to comfort her the best he could. In what appeared on the surface to be practical advice, he began to lay the foundation for future revenge. His words for now seem to point to some future day of reckoning for Amnon. Others might see his counsel of don t take this thing to heart as impossible. Even if such a thing was possible for Tamar to achieve, one wonders whether it would be the best choice of action for emotional health. Sometimes advice given to those who have been traumatized may not be helpful in the long run. However, to his credit, Absalom cared for Tamar and attempted to give her what Amnon s cruelty had taken away the refuge of a home and some semblance of protection from the outside world. Nevertheless, she lived out the rest of her days as a desolate woman. What actions could be taken to assist victims of abuse or other crimes to begin the recovery process? BIBLE SKILL: Identify similar patterns in other passages. Review James 1:14-15 and identify the pattern of sin according to those verses. How is that pattern seen in 2 Samuel 13? What other Bible stories could be pointed to as examples of this pattern? Why might it be important for us to be aware of this pattern? DEVASTATED (2 SAM. 13:31-36) 31 In response the king stood up, tore his clothes, and lay down on the ground, and all his servants stood by with their clothes torn. 32 But Jonadab, son of David s brother Shimeah, spoke up: 68 Explore the Bible Personal Study Guide
My lord must not think they have killed all the young men, the king s sons, because only Amnon is dead. In fact, Absalom has planned this ever since the day Amnon disgraced his sister Tamar. 33 So now, my lord the king, don t take seriously the report that says all the king s sons are dead. Only Amnon is dead. 34 Meanwhile, Absalom had fled. When the young man who was standing watch looked up, there were many people coming from the road west of him from the side of the mountain. 35 Jonadab said to the king, Look, the king s sons have come! It s exactly like your servant said. 36 Just as he finished speaking, the king s sons entered and wept loudly. Then the king and all his servants also wept very bitterly. VERSES 31-33 Two years after the rape of Tamar, Absalom killed Amnon and fled to Geshur. It is interesting to note how shrewd David s son was in the plot against his brother Amnon. He didn t retaliate immediately but waited for a more opportune time. He even drew David into his scheme by seeking his presence at the feast, probably knowing that David would decline the invitation (13:23-25). A subsequent request for Amnon was still somewhat suspicious but made palatable by the presence of all of David s sons (vv. 26-27). This also left no doubt as to Absalom s guilt. Those who seek revenge often display a curious combination of strategic foolishness. The initial report to David was that all of his sons had been murdered at Baal-hazor [bay uhl-hay zawr] (v. 30). The result was an outpouring of grief by David, with all of his servants following his example (v. 31). Jonadab [JAHN uh dab], who was David s nephew but also a friend to Amnon (v. 3), assured David that only Amnon was dead. Presumably he asserted this because he was well acquainted with Absalom s long-standing hatred of Amnon and his lust for revenge. Only the abuser of Tamar was in the crosshairs of his anger. We are not robotic in the way we experience life. We were created with emotions. Some emotions can be helpful and constructive. However, anger and bitterness can be breeding grounds for hateful revenge. Left unchecked and unrestrained by the Holy Spirit (Gal. 5:15-17), these emotions can destroy a family. Session 7 : Grieved 69
What makes revenge such a powerful emotion? What situations have you witnessed in which a response to a sinful act brought greater evil and sin? VERSES 34-36 After Amnon s murder, Absalom fled while David s surviving sons returned to the palace. There was an outpouring of grief as all that had taken place devastated David s family. Grief doesn t always manifest itself in outward demonstrations, such as tears and outbursts. Frequently, grieving families suffer in silence and cycle through the predictable stages of denial, anger, and depression. At the time of writing this lesson, I received word about an acquaintance who was arrested on a charge of sexual contact with a minor. After the initial shock wore off, I began to reflect on how this tragedy and its ripple effects would soon begin to ravage all the families involved. The legal aspects of sin typically play out on a very public stage, which makes the issues even more challenging to work through and resolve. This will mostly be the case in this situation. All I could do was grieve, pray, and commit myself to be used by God in the days ahead as they work through the trauma. KEY DOCTRINE: Family God has ordained the family as the foundational institution of human society. SEPARATED (2 SAM. 13:37-39) 37 But Absalom fled and went to Talmai son of Ammihud, king of Geshur. And David mourned for his son every day. 38 After Absalom had fled to Geshur and had been there three years, 39 King David longed to go to Absalom, for David had finished grieving over Amnon s death. VERSE 37 Geshur [GEE shuhr], a border nation to Israel, was eighty miles northeast of Jerusalem. It enjoyed good relations with Israel and 70 Explore the Bible Personal Study Guide
there are no accounts of wars between the two countries. This is one possible reason why Absalom fled there. Another reason is that his mother and David s wife, Maacah [MAY uh kuh], was from the area and her father was the king of Geshur (2 Sam. 3:3). Obviously these facts were the motivation for why Absalom took refuge there. The question could be raised as to why Talmai, Absalom s grandfather, gave him refuge. Surely he knew what happened and understood that he was harboring a felon, even if he was from another country. In situations where no crime has been committed, we can still ask ourselves about our responsibility to help families reconcile. It is worth noting how the text mentions three times that Absalom fled (vv. 34,37,38). Of course, he had committed murder and was in jeopardy of capital punishment if convicted (Num. 35:21). The cities of refuge in Israel afforded him no protection. However, it can be surmised that the repetition of the word fled may connect back to David s own experience. Harkening back to the days when David was on the run from Saul, he knew what it was like to be separated from family and adrift from one s home. While Absalom, who became the next in line to succeed David after Amnon s death, was in exile, David continued to grieve every day. As parents who have lost children understand, this type of grief at times seems relentless. Does sin always lead to separation and broken relationships? Explain. VERSES 38-39 The time of Absalom s exile in Geshur was three years, during which he had gone unpunished for his crime. Subsequent events in 2 Samuel and the life of this family do not give any indication that Absalom felt any remorse or ever repented of his actions. David, on the other hand, was beginning to feel more keenly the absence of Absalom. While some would say that one never gets over the death of a child, David s grief over Amnon evidently reached a stage where he was ready to reengage life and be reconciled to Absalom. David longed to go to Absalom, an understandable emotion even in light of all the tragic events. Session 7 : Grieved 71
IN MY CONTEXT Sin leads to grief, failing to satisfy and to deliver on the promises made. Revenge is a powerful emotion that can lead to greater sin and conflict. Sin divides families and people. Discuss ways your Bible study group can be a positive influence for change regarding the issue of sexual violence in our world. Include in the discussion the role families should play. What actions does your group need to take in light of this discussion? What wrongs cause you the greatest pain? Ask God to help you find peace through that pain. How can you find a way to express God s grace to those who caused you that pain? Examine your family relationships, looking for broken relationships. Ask God to help you bring healing to those relationships. Commit to be willing to admit any role you played in the breaking of those relationships and to act based on what He reveals to you. Record your next steps. Prayer Needs 72 Explore the Bible Personal Study Guide