Handling Anger From My Heart to Yours series Concepts from The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo 1
Did you know that anger can be either good or bad? Good Bad Psalm 7:11 tells us that God is angry with the wicked every day. God judgeth the righteous, and God is angry with the wicked every day. But, how can you tell if your anger is good or bad? Concepts from The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo 2
Let s look at the difference between righteous (good) anger and unrighteous (bad) anger. Righteous Anger Unrighteous Anger When God doesn t get what He wants. Motivated by a sincere love for God. God s will is violated. Christ is Lord of my life. Be angry and do not sin. (Eph 4:26) When I don t get what I want. Motivated by a sincere love of some idolatrous desire. My will is violated. I am the Lord of my life. What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members. (James 4:1) Determining if anger is righteous or unrighteous. Concepts from The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo 3
Anger is an emotion that God gives us for the purpose of destroying problems. Everyone gets angry from time-totime. This is a normal human emotion that God gives us. It is how we express our anger that can be a problem. Concepts from The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo 4
Let s look at the way people typically express anger. 1 There is a problem. Problem 2 We become angry. Anger 3 We either clam up and internalize our anger Or 4 We blow up and spew our anger on someone else. Concepts from The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo 5
When we clam up we are tied up in knots. We hurt ourselves with our anger. Concepts from The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo 6
When we blow up we are like a volcano. We hurt others with our anger. Concepts from The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo 7
And did you notice that the problem is still there? It hasn t been solved or fixed. Problem Anger Concepts from The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo 8
Now, let s look at the correct way to solve the problem. 1 There is a problem. Problem 2 We become angry. Communication 3 We use communication to hammer at the problem until it is solved. Anger Communication is the key to solving the anger problem. But what is communication? Concepts from The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo 9
Communication is a combination of three things. Words Actions Tone of voice We need to see what the Bible says about these three things. Concepts from The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo 10
WORDS: This is what we say when we become angry. Words Actions Tone of voice Let no unwholesome word proceed out of your mouth but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment that it may give good to those who hear it. Ephesians 4:29 Concepts from The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo 11
TONE: This is the way our words sound when spoken. It is not just what we say but how we say it. Words Actions Tone of voice A soft answer turns away wrath but harsh words stir up anger. Proverbs 15:11 Concepts from The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo 12
ACTIONS: These are the facial expressions and the body language that we use when we are angry. It includes posture, gestures, eye contact. Actions Words Tone of voice Did you know that pride, anger, bitterness, fear and rebellion can show in our faces? And, often, we are not even aware of it. Concepts from The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo 13
Some of the attitudes that mar our countenance include: ANGER Gen. 4:5 SELFISHNESS Proverbs 23:6 BITTERNESS Gen. 31;1-2 PRIDE Psalm 10:4 FEAR Daniel 5:5 GUILT Ezra 9:6-7 REBELLION Proverbs 30:17 Concepts from The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo 14
Ecclesiastes 8:1 says A man s wisdom makes his face to shine and causes him to be a blessing to others. Words Actions Tone of voice You need to be aware of all three pieces of the communication pie when you respond to someone else. Concepts from The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo 15
Let s look at an interaction between parent and child and see if you can spot both the proper and improper responses. So, tell me what s new and exciting or different at school? MOTHER Can t you see I m thinking? Why don t you go away and bother someone else? CHILD Concepts from The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo 16
What is wrong with the child s answer? 1. The answer shows disrespect to the parent. Ephesians 6:1 says Children obey your parents in the Lord for this is right. Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise) that it may be well with you and that you may live long on the earth. 2. The child is not communicating. Ephesians 4:25 says Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth, each one of you with his neighbor, for we are members of one another. 3. The child raised his voice. Proverbs 15:1 says A gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger. 4. The child had improper actions such as rolling the eyes. Proverbs 30:11-13 says There is a kind of man who curses his father and does not bless his mother there is a kind oh how lofty are his eyes and his eyelids are raised in arrogance. Concepts from The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo 17
What should the child do? 1. Confess that they have been disrespectful, angry and guilty of not communicating. 2. The child should ask the parent for forgiveness. It is not enough to simply say, I m sorry. The child needs to say I m sorry for being disrespectful to you. Will you forgive me? 3. The child needs to reword the answer to the question. Here are a few examples: Mom, I appreciate your asking but right now I have something else on my mind. Do you think I could fill you in later? I can t think of anything that was different at school today, but thank you for asking. Would you like to tell me something about your day? Let s see.new and exciting or different.well, I dissected my first worm today. Yuck! It was gross. If you don t mind, I d rather talk about something that happened on the way home. Concepts from The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo 18
One of the best ways to analyze angry responses is to reflect on what you said using an Anger Journal. Concepts from The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo 19
Following are a couple of examples of anger journals which were completed by children who had improper anger towards their parents. After they completed the Anger Journal, they were able to see how they should have responded. And by evaluating improper responses, they are better equipped to respond properly the next time they become angry. Let s read through these together. Concepts from The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo 20
Example 1 Anger Journal (example 1) 1. What happened that made me angry? When I asked Mom if she would buy me a frisbee at Walmart she said no because I had not yet earned back the trust I lost the last time she had bought me one and I threw it at my little brother when I got mad at him. 2. What did I say or do when I became angry? I raised my voice and said That s not fair! You never buy me anything. Daddy would have bought it for me. I then ran out to the car and left her to carry the packages by herself. Anger Journal (page 2) 3. What does the Bible say about how I responded? Not a soft answer (Prov 15:1) Argumentative (II Tim 2:24) Murmured and complained (Phil 2:14) False accusation (Eph 2:25) Disrespectful (Eph 6:1-3) Vindictive (Romans 12:17-21) Malicious (Eph 4:31) Unloving, unkind, bad manners (I Cor 13:5) 4. What should I have said/done when I became angry? I should have said Yes, Mom. I should have said I don t blame you for not trusting me. I am going to work extra hard to show you that I can be trusted with a frisbee. I should have helped her carry the packages to the car. Concepts from The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo 21
Example 2 Anger Journal (example 2) 1. What happened that made me angry? I was shooting baskets in the driveway when Dad stuck his head out the back door and insisted that I come in to start my homework. He told my friend who was shooting with me to come back tomorrow. 2. What did I say or do when I became angry? I don t have any homework and you are always running my friends off. It s no wonder that all my friends think you and mom are idiots. I slammed the basketball into the back door and stomped to my room. Anger Journal (page 2) 3. What does the Bible say about how I responded? Lying (I did have homework and my friends don t think that my parents are idiots), slander, backbiting. 4. What should I have said/done when I became angry? Said OK dad and explained to my friend that I had homework but if I finished early that I would call him. I could have appealed to Dad about changing my schedule so that I would study when it wasn t possible to play basketball. Concepts from The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo 22
The next time you have an improper response to a situation, we are going to help you work through an Anger Journal so that you will learn how to respond correctly in the future. Once you practice this a few times, you should become more aware of how the Lord expects you to respond to situations that make you angry. Concepts from The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo 23