The Four Rules of Communication Dr. Steve Walker

Series: The Heart of Healthy Relationships August 9, 2015 The Four Rules of Communication Dr. Steve Walker While we're receiving our offering, I want to encourage you to get your Bible close by. Let me just encourage you, as Pastor Larry has tried to do. We are so blessed with children in this church. I think this may be one of the most fertile churches in the area. The nursery is being expanded, it seems, every couple of years, and it's a wonderful place to serve. In case you're newer to Canyon Hills, or maybe it has been a while since you've had a volunteer ministry, you've just been out of service for too long, it's a great place to start, connect, and get back in, making a difference in your church and ultimately in people's lives. I hope you'll fill out that form and get ready to be involved a little bit more. Last Sunday, if you weren't here, we finished 1 Peter. We spent many months going through 1 Peter verse by verse. I said the Sunday after Labor Day, we're going to jump right into 2 Peter together, but between now and Labor Day, we want to deal with some issues I think are very specific and very practical to having healthy relationships, how to keep friendships and relationships strong. It's no secret that the words we choose and the timing in which we choose them have the power to heal. The words we choose and when we use them have power to heal broken relationships as well as having the power to destroy or permanently ruin relationships, if we use our words wrong. Words can help and heal, but words can also hinder, hurt, and humiliate. Today we're going to talk about the necessity for godly, good communication amongst Christians first, and then with anyone with whom we have a relationship. These principles are biblical, and they are also pretty familiar. We teach them often here at Canyon Hills, usually within the context of our counseling ministry and within the context of counselor training. If you've been in either one of those, you will recognize these, but if you're like me, you have to hear these over and over again, as you grow up in your Christian faith. So we're going to talk about them very specifically today because the Bible very fearfully warns us. In Proverbs, chapter 18, we're told, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue " We're also told, in James, chapter 3, verse 8, " no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison." I think one of the greater miracles of the Christian life is that these Canyon Hills Community Church 1

restless, evil, poisonous tongues of ours could ever be used as vessels of blessing anywhere. Yet by God's grace and mercy, and the sanctification of change that goes on in our lives, we find ourselves not only able but willing to bless people with our words. If your Bibles are open to Ephesians, chapter 4, let's go ahead and stand for the reading of his Word. If you're new with us, that's what we do every Sunday, just out of expectation that this is God's Holy Word, without error, perfect, and able to change us. We're going to pick it up in chapter 4, verse 25, of Ephesians. You follow along as I read it. "Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil. Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." God in heaven, I just pray in the name of Jesus that you would use these words today to change us from the inside out. God, I confess, not only for myself but for many here, we do not do good with our words. I pray, God, that you will convict us of our sin and give us hope that in any broken relationships and conflicts, with godly words, we can heal and be healthy. God, do your work today. We give you permission to do whatever you need to do to change us. I pray in Christ's name, amen. In this little passage, we have some rules for godly communication. There are a couple of other things sprinkled in here, but we're going to focus on the communication rules in this passage. I want to say to you that these rules work. They especially work in marriage between a husband and a wife. They work in incredible ways between parents and children, and between adult children and their parents. These rules I'm about to give you, that Paul writes here, work in the workplace between coworkers, between employers and employees. These rules will apply very carefully and very courageously to relationships between coaches and players, and players and coaches, between business partners Wow. What you're going to hear today can revolutionize the way you communicate with those you're in business with. Between neighbors Certainly, these rules apply in relationships within the structure of our Life Groups. Virtually wherever there are human beings trying to talk to each other, these rules work, relate, and apply. I'm going to tell you this. No hyperbole I don't want to exaggerate here, but I really believe if you listen to these rules and take them seriously, they have the power to help you avoid Canyon Hills Community Church 2

or heal 80 percent of the potential conflict that comes into your life due to ungodly communication. That's how strong they are. So are you ready for these four rules? Do you want to hear these four rules? Nod at me and say, "Please give me these rules!" Are you ready? Okay, here we go. The first rule is going to blow you away. You've never heard this before. 1. Be honest. Be truthful. Honesty is the cornerstone to all loving communication. Look at how he starts out this dialogue. "Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor " those with whom you communicate. As far as I know, church, nobody has invented ways to read each other's minds, so we have to be truthful with each other. Truth requires us to love, and love requires us to be truthful. In my devotions this past week, I was reminded of this when I read something. The author wrote, "The most loving person who ever lived, so loving that he died a cruel and bloody public death for sins that others committed, was at the same time the most forthright and honest truth speaker that the world had ever known His commitment to truth speaking was propelled by his love," speaking of Jesus, of course. Jesus even proclaimed, "I am the truth." Jesus is truth personified. He came to tell us the truth about God, what God is like, by the way he lived and by what he taught. He came to tell us the truth about us and our desperate need for peace with God because of the sin in our hearts. It's this same Jesus, in this same Scripture, who is calling us to be truthful with one another. Godly communication has to start by being honest with the other person, especially when there is a potential misunderstanding, especially when there has been confusion in our communication. Email and texting are great, except when it comes to misunderstanding each other. Honesty has to be up front when we feel hurt by someone, when we sense someone has sinned against us, and when we have disagreement. Being honest means things like the silent treatment, or pretending to agree just to keep the peace, even though you don't agree, or being passively aggressive to get your own way, or agreement in order to win someone's approval or to get your own way, or not saying what you mean, or exaggerating about what was said so you can justify your emotions or your anger All of these are forms of dishonesty. Most communication breakdowns start with one person not being completely honest. What happens due to that is that disappointment turns into discouragement. Ultimately, left undone, it turns into anger and even bitterness. Often, the coworker, the person in our Life Group, our spouse, or our neighbor has no idea that anything is wrong in the first place. We are all upset and bent out of shape, but we haven't been truthful, and nobody knows what's going on inside of our hearts. Being honest is a loving thing to do because it has the power to eliminate so many of our conflicts, or at least prevent them from going on too long and destroying friendships and relationships. Canyon Hills Community Church 3

I was sharing this concept of being truthful and honest in the context of counseling a couple recently, and the husband looked at me after I shared this, and he said, "She doesn't want the truth. Every time I'm honest with her, she cries and the conversation is over." That's interesting. So I turned to her and I asked her for some examples of what that might be like. Wow, did I find out some things He thought just because he was saying the truth that he was off the hook for things like gentleness, respect, or kindness. Remember honesty is more than not lying. Honesty is speaking the facts and speaking the truth lovingly. Look at Ephesians 4, verse 15. It's just above where we just read. Verse 15 says, "Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way " All righteous, godly communication, healthy friendships and relationships, must have honesty in communication. 2. Keep current. Paul is basically reminding us in this passage to deal with problems today. If you look at verses 26 and 27 "Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil." Notice Paul says there are occasions for anger, yet Paul also says, "Don't let the sun go down on your anger, because one sure way to let our anger turn into sin is by not dealing with stuff right away." I wonder how many of us in this room have done that. We haven't been honest. We haven't dealt with an issue or a potential misunderstanding or conflict in a timely manner, and before you know it, we find ourselves angry. I'm wondering how many of us are carrying around a hurt right now that is due to unresolved things that go way back. It's right underneath the surface. We don't think about it that often, but when it comes up, it immediately brings emotions that stir anger within us, and it's because something happened a while back, maybe a long time ago, and it wasn't dealt with appropriately, and now we carry with us this sense of conflict in our hearts. See, when we don't deal with it honestly and quickly, we stew and we dwell, and we open ourselves up to a bunch more sin. A lot of times, it's sin that is way worse than what caused the original hurt or disagreement, things like resentment, bitterness, and even hate. This goes on in the church as well. We get all bent out of shape with someone, and before you know it, it's causing disunity in our family or it's causing division in our Life Group or gossip starts or there's a lack of love. How do you keep things current? How do you approach a potential disagreement or conflict in a truthful, current way? Let me give you just some very simple, practical ways to start that dialogue. Sometimes it might be as simple as saying, "Hey, remember earlier today? That really surprised me when you " and finish that sentence truthfully and currently. It could be, "Hey, I'm not sure if I interpreted you correctly yesterday, but when you said this, it made me think " Bring it up truthfully, honestly, and currently. How about this? "When you laughed at me today, I felt really demeaned. Did you mean to do that? Did I interpret that right?" Another way to be honest: "I was hurt when you insinuated that I lied to you. Do you think I lie to you? Do you think I'm a liar? Please tell me if there's anything Canyon Hills Community Church 4

I've ever said that has caused you to think I'm not telling you the truth. Let me see if I can clear it up." Honestly, currently, now. The question is, do we have to do this every time we disagree with something? Every time we have a potential, "Eh, we're not really on the same page," do we have to quickly be honest and current? Some of you are so literal that the second you sense anything might be a disagreement, you're going to jump all over it. The question is, do we need to do that every time, every single time we have some kind of dialogue in which maybe we just don't agree with the person? I'm glad you asked that question, because I want to give you some questions to ask yourself before you enter into resolving differences and conflicts. Let me give you these questions quickly. A. Do I have the facts right? There's the potential for misunderstanding or hurt feelings, and before you approach it, ask yourself, "Do I have all the facts?" Someone has said, "Assumptions are the termites of relationships." I like that. It's true. Solomon says, in Proverbs 18, "He who answers before listening that is his folly and his shame." He's a fool. We can really look foolish if we don't take the time to get the facts. I have to brag on my wife just a little bit. She is so much better at these communication tools than I am. Every once in a while, I'm reminded of how lousy I am at this. Here's a situation that came up a few years ago. I came home from work, and as is typical, if I haven't seen or talked to Tammi all day, I'll find her and give her a kiss. That's what I did. I came home and found her in the kitchen and gave her a kiss. As soon as I kissed her, she kind of pulled back, kind of looking at me. I thought, "Wow, I didn't think that kiss was that bad. Did I have Thai food for lunch?" It was obvious. She kind of looked, and she didn't say anything. She kind of got herself together and said, "I'm sure there's a good reason for this." I'm like, "For what?" I'm looking around, and Oh. There is bright red lipstick on the inside of my collar, and it's not hers. I'm looking at that Man, there was no doubt. It was the perfect shape of two lips. I mean it wasn't even a smudge. It was like a full-on, plant-your-red-lipstick-on-my-collar, and for the life of me, I could not think of where this came from. My backing up and my eyeballs going big was not helping her confidence at all, because I didn't know it was there. She just stayed perfectly calm, and I'm thinking, "Where was I today? What was this?" I realized it was Tuesday. Tuesday means the Senior Saints meet at the church. The Senior Saints, who gather at our church every Tuesday for their big weekly get-together, means Marion Countryman is here. Some of you know Marion Countryman. If you're in the presence of Marion Countryman, you are going to get kissed. Apparently that Tuesday morning, I bumped into Marion, gave her a big hug, and she planted a big, wet, red lipstick kiss on me, and she missed. So when it finally dawned on me, I was so Canyon Hills Community Church 5

relieved, and she believed me, because Tammi has been kissed by Marion Countryman. It's a great example of getting the facts before she ripped my lips off on the spot. Sometimes that's what it requires. Let's say your teenage son comes home late again, 30 minutes over curfew, and you've had it. You've been having it out with him for a while anyway. He comes home 30 minutes late, and you're just sure it's absolute disrespect, and you just tear him apart. You didn't take the time to find out that when he was coming home, the freeway off-ramp to your house was closed. He had to go another couple of miles and get off and come back, and it was an honest issue. Yet because you didn't get the facts, you went crazy. B. Should love hide it? What's the issue? Is it sinful or is it just personal preference? All right. So what? Your husband puts ketchup on everything. Do you really need to turn that into a conflict? So what? Your mother-in-law thinks your spouse is perfect. Okay. Let her live the fantasy. Do you need to make that a major issue in your marriage? First Peter says, "Love covers over a multitude of sins." Sometimes it's just preference and you don't have to constantly be bringing something up just because you want it your way. It doesn't matter. Getting your way is not the goal. C. Is my timing right? I find that communication in relationships is usually the biggest issue, but within that subject, it's the timing of communication that really is messed up. When it comes to keeping current, we need to try to figure out when the right time is to bring something up so we can deal with it in a helpful way. For instance, you have something you need to work out with your spouse. Do you need to bring it up on the way to church today or five minutes before your Life Group shows up at your house? "Oh honey, by the way, I've been meaning to tell you " "Yeah, but they're coming " "I know, but we need to talk about it right now." No you don't need to talk about it right then, but you can establish a time to talk about it when the time is right. Proverbs 25:11 says, "A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver." You may be at work and you have an issue with a coworker. Maybe you were in a meeting and they said something that sounded a little disrespectful, like they were actually blaming you for the deadline not being met. Do you jump up and rant and rave right there in the meeting or do you pull the person aside right after the meeting and say, "Hey, it sounded like you thought maybe I was the reason for that. Do we need to clear something up here?" D. Is my attitude right? Am I really trying to help the other person or am I just trying to prove I'm right again? Am I trying to resolve something or am I just venting? Proverbs 15:1 says, "A gentle answer turns away wrath " so we need to ask ourselves, "Is my attitude right to bring this up right now?" Sometimes that will slow us down a little bit and calm us down. Canyon Hills Community Church 6

E. Have I prayed for God's help in this disagreement, conflict, or misunderstanding? It's amazing how many times praying for the situation or the other person can change our hearts toward the situation. I want to encourage you to keep these five questions close. Know them as you're trying to resolve potential conflict with others. Proverbs 3:5 says, "Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding." We need God to help us sometimes in relationships or friendships that are just a little touchier than others. 3. Attack the problem, not the person. This is the key idea in verse 29 that Paul writes to the Ephesians. He's talking to them about building each other up and giving grace, all in the context of how we communicate. Look at verse 29. "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear." Building up and giving grace Using gracious words is what he's talking about here attacking the problem, not the person. First, using gracious words means we don't attack the person's character. When we're trying to resolve a difference, misunderstanding, argument, or disagreement, we don't attack the person's character. Instead of, "You have no self-control! You're always spending too much and causing us financial stress," how about, "It seems like we've been really tight on money lately. Should we take another look at our budget?" It's attacking the problem, not the person. Secondly, using gracious words also means we don't attack their motives. Attacking a person's motives does not do any good. You can't read their minds or their hearts, and you're almost 100 percent wrong in attacking the motives. Instead of dealing with a person at work, saying, "You're really making a lot of mistakes lately. Are you trying to make my life miserable?" how about, "You haven't been at your best lately. Is there something distracting you?" It's attacking the problem, not the person, using gracious words. Thirdly, it also means we must be solution-oriented. The problem is we're tight on money. A solution may be, "Let's work on the budget. Maybe our expenses are up," or, "Let's get some wise counsel. Maybe we're not saving right, or we're trying to save too much, or we're spending too much in an area. Let's see if we can get some input." Problem: a employee or coworker is not performing up to the needed standard. Solution: going to the person and saying, "Hey, is there a part of the job you're struggling to understand?" or going to them with another solution: "Hey, do we need to take another look at your time management? Maybe we're spending too much time doing one part and we need you to be doing more over here." Fourthly, being gracious also means we give grace but we confront the sin. Sometimes the issue that comes between two people is a sinful attitude or an action that brings conflict into the friendship or relationship. Nowhere are we Christians expected to ignore sin or to pretend the sinful behavior is justifiable. We're not expected to do that as we are trying to get along in a godly way, ever. We need to graciously and honestly deal with sin when we see it come up in our friendships and relationships. Canyon Hills Community Church 7

Example: "Honey, I know you're under a lot of stress lately at work, but I'm not your enemy. I need a little bit more respect than that." Another example: You have a friend with whom you've had some disagreements. You talk to them and you say, "I know we've disagreed on some things, but that doesn't mean you have to ignore all of my voicemails or my emails. If we need to fix this, let's talk, but giving me the silent treatment is not going to help us." Example: Someone in your Life Group is just going off. It's prayer time, and they're just talking about somebody they're really mad at, and this is like the third week in a row, and they're still just as mad, and for good reason, but now they've stepped over the line of gossiping. It may mean you pull them aside, if the moment is right, to be gracious and deal with the sin. You look at them and you say, "Hey, listen. I know you're really angry, and there's good reason, but it's starting to sound like gossip." They might not even know you're upset with them, so I want to encourage you to go to them and be honest about what happened, being gracious, but being honest about the sin. Fifthly, another way to be gracious with our words is to lead with questions, not accusations. If you learn this one thing, it may be the most practical thing you leave with here today. Again, we're talking about this point of attacking the problem, not the person, and in order to do that, one of the best ways is to lead with questions, not accusations. Here's why. You learn this trick, church, and I'm telling you your conflicts, your resolution, and your relationships are never going to be the same, because accusations always condemn. When we accuse someone, we immediately put them on the defensive. Wife says to husband, "You never put your clothes away." Accusation. What is going to be his response? It's going to be defensive, immediately, because he's going to immediately remember that one time, back in 1989, when he picked up his clothes. "Therefore, what you just said is wrong, and now we're not dealing with my clothes. We're dealing with your exaggeration." Husband says to wife, "You're always nagging and grouchy!" What is typically going to be her response to that? It's not going to be pretty. Typically, a good communication principle is to never ever use the words never and always when trying to resolve a difference, conflict, disagreement, or misunderstanding. Accusations automatically condemn a person. Instead, we use questions, because questions convict. They bring conviction. When we really want to fix a friendship issue or a relationship conflict, we start with questions. Husband says to wife, "It seems like you're upset about something the last couple of days. Was it something I said, something I did?" Ask the question. You may find out it was something you said, and it was something you did, and she could not figure out a way or hadn't figured out a time to talk about it. You can have a big part of the fix. It may be that she didn't even realize she was just being a little grumpier or a little more out of it, and it dawned on her, "Wow, this has been going on for two days. Okay, I need to deal with this." It will bring conviction, if indeed it needs to. Canyon Hills Community Church 8

The coworker at work who has just been rude and seems like they're just ticked off at you and you have no idea why You could go to them and say, "Do you know what? You're rude. Why are you so rude?" or you could say, "I noticed you aren't yourself. Is there anything I can do to help?" Talk about conviction! It took me a long time to learn this principle, and there was a time I've never forgotten. It happened, again, a couple of years ago with one of you in our church. It's a person in our church who I knew very well, and she was just an Eeyore. The glass was not just half-empty; it was always three-quarters of the way empty. If it was sunny, it was too hot. If it was raining, it was too cold. Light was dark, dark was light, and she loved Jesus, but she was just a negative person. I had just had it with her, so I made up my mind that the next time I saw her, I was going to speak some truthful words to her, because obviously nobody had. Sure enough, I bumped into her somewhere in the life of the church, and there she was again, just negative. I looked at her and I said, "Do you know what? What's wrong with you? You're acting like your dog just died." That morning. Not only was it that morning She ran over the dog. I know! It was stupid, and I've never said those words to anyone ever again! I had just kind of had it, and I didn't deal with it. I could have done it so much better, knowing what I know now. Lead with questions, not accusations. They make all the difference in the world. 4. Act; don't react. This is such a good rule. Think about it. When we react to something, it's usually spontaneous and emotional. Your favorite team scores a touchdown, and what do you do? Without thinking, we scream, we're jumping up and down, we say and do crazy things we wouldn't do anywhere else in our lives. At my house, it's nuts. We're jumping up and doing the belly-bump. We're getting each other in headlocks. We're knocking each other down. We're giving each other noogies. We're screaming. We're punching each other. Don't come watch a Seahawk game at my house. You're going to leave with an injury of some sort. Emotions are spontaneous. Reactions happen. When someone cuts in front of us on the road, without thinking, we do and say things we wouldn't normally do and say. A few years ago, I got in my car, and on the way home from the office that night I called one of our elders on my cell phone. That was back before you couldn't do that. It was a while ago. I call him, and his voicemail came on. Right about when the voicemail came on, telling me he wasn't there to answer the phone, I was next to an 18-wheeler on the freeway. The 18-wheeler didn't see me, and just changed lanes very suddenly and rammed me off the freeway into the emergency lane. At that part of 405, there wasn't enough room for a car to fit, so I was right up against the rail and he was coming all the way over. I had to slam on my brakes, and I screamed and I yelled some Canyon Hills Community Church 9

crazy, emotional things. It scared me so much I lost my mind. By the time I caught my breath and my heart rate came down, I didn't get rear-ended, and I could get back going again, I had had the phone right here the whole time, and I never heard the beep. I realized, and now I'm freaking out. I'm like, "Sam, I don't know if you're still there. I don't know if this is your recording, but an 18- wheeler just ran me off the road and I don't know what you heard. I'm really sorry. Please call me." I mean it was horrifying, and it was a good thing I didn't say everything I was thinking. By the way, he kept that voicemail for years, and he gleefully threatened to play it. At elders' meetings, anytime I was wanting my way, he'd just pull his phone out, and it worked. He never let me listen to it. I knew he didn't think I could handle it. By God's grace, I don't think he let anyone else listen to it, as far as I know. You all are still here, right? Guess what. When we react to a comment or a person who says or does something we don't like or we disagree with, or hurts, we can let our emotions take over quickly and we say and do things. We react. If you look at the Scripture Let me just show you where it is. If you notice here in Ephesians 4, you'll look at verses 30-32. It says, "Do not grieve the Holy Spirit, by whom you were sealed. Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and slander be put away from you. Instead, be kind." Here's the acting. This takes time. We have to think to do this. "Be kind, tenderhearted, and forgiving." That's what we're supposed to do. Those are action-oriented. They're thoughtful. They're loving. Reactions are usually emotional and based in anger. If we can learn to feel those emotions and stop ourselves before we react, we could save ourselves a whole lot of pain and conflict. Well, I'm out of time. There's a little bit more to say about this, but let me just say this to you. These rules, if you take them seriously and you commit them to memory, have the power to change everything for you. The way you relate to your boyfriend or girlfriend, the way you relate to your kids, your spouse, your boss, your employees, your coworkers, your neighbors, your inlaws They have that kind of power to work in your life. So let me just ask you, as we get ready to leave here, is there one of these rules you can obviously look at and say, "Boy, I can use some improvement right there"? Is there a rule here where you might be saying, "You know what? I haven't been honest. I'm carrying around in me something that happened a long time ago, and it's embarrassing, to be honest with you. I have to deal with being current. I have to be honest"? Do you need to go to someone to who, maybe in the last few weeks or months, your reaction was way overboard or out of line, and you need to go back to them and say, "Would you forgive me? I reacted emotionally and I didn't think about that. If I could go back and rewind that, I would not do it the same way. Please forgive me"? Canyon Hills Community Church 10

If you're in a relationship right now, I would encourage you to sit down with your wife, husband, boyfriend, or girlfriend, and say, "Hey, let's look at these rules together and let's identify with each other where we can use some improvement," and take ownership for yourself. Start today. Now let me pray for you as we get ready to go. Father in heaven, you are a good God. You are patient and gracious. Thank you that you are always honest and always current. Thank you, God, that you invite us to keep current with you by confessing our sin. You will joyfully and faithfully forgive us and cleanse us from our unrighteousness. God, I pray that we would do the same with each other. God, may this be a church full of people who are committed to relating to each other in a godly way. We love you and thank you. In Christ's name, amen. If you came to church today and you have been thinking about turning your life over to Jesus Christ and asking him to be your Savior and forgive you of your sins and give you eternal life, if you haven't done that yet we are going to have some people standing right here in about 10 seconds with whom you can come up and have that conversation before you go home. God bless you. See you next week. Canyon Hills Community Church 11